CASTIEL MASON

I couldn't pick out a word Nelly just said.

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I know it's hard to believe, but just hear me-"

"No, really, what did you just say?"

"Oh." Nelly looks around in a circle and starts doing that weird thing with her feet again. "Castiel, Deborah doesn't really like you. She's just using you." My blood instantly turns hot. I knew she was jealous, and I guess I really should apologize for leading her on, but it's not my fault my girlfriend came back to school.

Don't hurt her, don't hurt her...

"Nelly," I say as calmly as possible, "that's ridiculous. I've loved Deborah for as long as I can remember."

"But love isn't always returned," she replies softly, picking at a fingernail.

"This one is."

"No, it's not!" she insists. "Look, I know you're not going to believe me, okay, but at least hear me out!"

"No! You're being a bitch, Nelly!" I raise my voice, angry that she would make up a story like this to make me upset. It's working, but not in the way I'm sure she intended.

"Oh, yeah, I'm the bitch!" she shouts back, standing in order to get some leverage. "I'm the one who kisses someone one day and calls them my girlfriend and then ditches her the second someone with slutty clothes and big blue eyes shows up! Oh, no wait, I'm not. That's you!"

"I'm not the one who makes out with a man-whore just because she's a little jealous her crush's real girlfriend came back!" I stand as well and cross my arms, staring her down.

"She broke up with you! And you know why? Because she thinks she's out of your league! Some girlfriend you got there, hotshot! She turned your friends against you so she wouldn't have to deal with you anymore! Ever wonder why they just started hating you without explanation?"

"They were jealous of me! That's why they kicked me out and had to resort to Sam!"

"Well, according to Sam, you're the better guitarist, and you only got replaced because Deborah manipulated everyone!"

"Oh, I see," I say, pointing my finger accusingly in her face. "I get it now. Sam put you up to this! He wants me gone because I'm a threat!"

"Sam is the only respectable personin that band!" Nelly shrieks, stomping her foot angrily. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Castiel, why can't you see that!?" She's practically sobbing by now. Serves her right for making up a story like that.

"Oh yeah?" I sneer. "What exactly are you doing then?"

"I'm trying to protect you!"

"And what the hell makes you think I need protecting?"

"I don't know! I-I...I love you, damnit!" she shouts.

"And I hate you!" Nelly stares at me in horrified shock for a split second before bursting into tears and running inside the school, leaving her backpack next to the bench. I don't know where she thinks she's going to hide in there, but I tell myself that I couldn't care less.

Wait...what did she just say? She loves me? Where the hell did that come from?

"What was that about?" Lysander's calm, smooth voice comes up behind me.

"When did you get here?" I snap, not turning around.

"Just in time to see Nelly run away," he responds. Does Lysander actually sound angry?

"It was her fault," I say defensively. "She started it."

"Grow up, Castiel," Lysander says tensely. "And don't talk to her again until you have. I'll have you know, she was telling the truth."

"And I suppose you know what she said?"

"I don't pretend to know everything, but I have a pretty good idea, judging by your reaction to the news."

"It's not news, it's a lie."

"Think what you want; the truth always comes out," Lysander says smoothly. He almost sounds as if he doesn't care anymore. He bends over and picks up Nelly's back, slinging it over his shoulder on top of his own.

"Lysander?" I ask, just now remembering something. "Before the band came back on Friday, Nelly was trying to ask me something. Do you know what that was?" I don't know why it suddenly matters to me now.

"She wanted to know if you really liked her, or if she was just Deborah's replacement," Lysander replies coolly. "I guess she got her answer." Rosalya joins him on his way inside, and a few moments later she rushes in ahead of him, no doubt to console the little princess.

I can't believe them. I'd have thought my friends would be happy for me, but apparently now I'm the bad guy.

But...is that true? Was Nelly just a replacement for Deborah? I can't compare them like that; it makes my head hurt. I know I liked Nelly, but Deborah and I have so much history. Nelly just can't compete with that. Sure, she's great, and fun, and smart, and beautiful, and I love...Deborah. I love Deborah, don't I? What I felt with Nelly was amazing, yeah. But I tried to let Deborah go two months ago, and I just couldn't. Not when I believed that she was still in love with me.

But Lysander said that Nelly was telling the truth, and he's never lied to me before...could it be possible that Deborah's really just using me?

No. No, it's not.

I'm so confused. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? If Nelly kissed Victor to make me jealous, then it worked, which has to mean something, but there's just some part of me that can't get my mind off of Deborah. I travel the maze that is my mind and eventually end up back at my original reason, which was 'I'm scared.' It sounds just as wimpy now as it ever did, but I think it's still true.

Ugh, why do my emotions keep swinging back and forth?! One minute I'm telling myself I love Deborah, and the next I'm saying that Deborah is just the only way to stay in my comfort zone. Do I really love her, or do I just love the idea of her? The safety of her?

Nelly loves me. She told me so. Has Deborah ever told me she loves me? ...Now that I think about it, I don't think she has. Not out loud, anyways, only every in texts. And she's had plenty of opportunities. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever told her, either. I read once that telling someone you love them is a big deal, because the person is basically giving their heart and everything along with it to the person they love, not knowing whether or not it will be broken or cherished. It's a risk. But it's also something that's very hard to say if you don't mean it.

So what does that mean for me?

I don't even pay attention in first block. My thoughts are still too absorbed with Nelly and Deborah, Deborah and Nelly. And the fact that Nelly isn't in class.

It's not until second block that I find out why.

"Mr. Mason?" Mr. Faraize calls, leaning in the doorway of the study hall classroom. "I need to speak with you about your homework records." Everyone snickers as I stand and go outside. I've actually been turning in my homework, so this is about something else, and I think I know what it is.

"Mr. Mason, do you know where Nelly is?" Mr. Faraize asks sharply, closing the study hall door.

"No, sir." I find it best to imitate Lysander in situations like this.

"Well, I do," Mr. Faraize shocks me, crossing his arms. "I received a notice that she wasn't in first block, so I went to the roof. I gave her a key this morning with strict instructions to go only during study hall, and I thought that she had disobeyed me."

"Can we please get to the point?" I ask impatiently, growing increasingly nervous.

"Yes, Castiel, we can. I went up to the roof, and you know what I found?"

"No, but I'm guessing you're going to tell me..."

"I found her lying face down on the bench, crying her eyes out," he snaps. "I asked her what was wrong, and all she was able to say was your name, but that was all I needed to know. Now, Mr. Mason, I asked very little of you. I didn't ask you to not see my daughter anymore or to ask my permission before taking her out, I didn't ask you not to have secret make out sessions, I didn't ask you to stop smoking or drinking or whatever the heck you do, and I didn't even ask you not to sleep with her. The one thing I did ask was that you not break her heart, and that's precisely what you've done."

Why is this geezer making me feel so guilty!?

"Now, I realize that there's nothing I can rightfully punish you for as a teacher and that there's really no point in talking to your parents, but I just hope you understand what you've done," Mr. Faraize continues. "Make sure that Nelly's is the last heart you break." He storms away, and I stand speechless for the second time today.

Is he serious? I did that to her? Just a few days ago, I was imagining how awful I would feel if I ever made Nelly cry, and Mr. Faraize is right; it's my fault that she's crying now. It feels even worse than I imagined. How did it even happen? I trace the events backwards in my head.

Deborah does this to me, I realize suddenly. The thought comes out of nowhere. Deborah makes me hurt other people, whether we love each other or not. She's driven Lysander and Rosalya and Nelly away, and who have I gotten in return? Nancy and Victor and Trent. I see it now, and I curse myself for taking so long. I could've stopped all this! This isn't love, this is destructive and awful and ugly, and I feel like that prince from that stupid "Swan Lake" story when he realizes that he's declared his affection to the wrong girl. All phantom feelings of love for Deborah vanish, and I know this time for sure that they're never coming back. Losing everything I truly love isn't worth the dim spark we have, especially not when there's fireworks with Nelly.

This also means...Nelly was telling the truth, wasn't she?

But she'll never want to see me again. I told her I hated her...how can I ever redeem myself from that?

I can't face her. I can't face any of them. What the hell am I going to do?

When the current study hall supervisor comes out into the hall and asks why I'm staring into space, I go back inside and sit next to Deborah. She plants a kiss on my cheek, but for the first time I don't want to kiss her back. I have no desire to hold her, or even to talk to her. If what Nelly and Lysander said is true, then I don't ever want to see her again. Even though I've made my decision, that doesn't necessarily mean I believe everything Nelly said this morning. People say crazy things when they're upset; I would know. She might have exaggerated, but there had to have been some truth in her declaration, after all, Lysander backed her up on it. I don't know. The only thing I'm certain of right now is that I'm not in love with Deborah; I was just hung up on the memory of her. It was an infatuation, and now it's over.

When I don't blink an eye in response to her kiss, Deborah rolls her gorgeous blue eyes and takes out her notebook. She writes in it furiously for the rest of class, and when the bell rings, she rips out whatever she was writing and tucks it into the pocket of my jacket.

"Read it alone," she whispers against my ear. "Read it now." She gives me another lingering kiss before leaving to go to the cafeteria. I really don't want to sit with her and the band, so this is the perfect excuse not to. Instead of going to the lunch room, I head outside to where Lysander and I used to sit.

My heart jumps to my throat when I walk out. There, on the bench, are Lysander and Rosalya, a red-eyed Nelly sitting between them. How could I be so stupid? Of course they came out here! They probably thought I would be in the cafeteria with everyone else.

Rosalya and Lysander are both laughing and talking, trying to cheer Nelly up. Lysander even does a Shakespearean monologue for her, and she actually cracks a smile. When Rosa looks up and sees me watching them, the smile melts off her face. When Nelly notices my presence, she meets my eyes with a steely glare, her jaw clenched, and hatred written all over her face. She doesn't show any signs of crying. At this point, all I want to do is apologize, but I know that her two bodyguards won't let me anywhere near her. In fact...

"Get outta here!" Rosalya finally shouts. I feel like the first step to earning their friendship back is probably respecting their wishes, so I turn around and go back inside, finally deciding on hiding out in the bathroom to read whatever Deborah gave me. No one ever comes in here, so I'm probably safe in assuming I'll be alone the entire time, but I lock myself in a stall anyways and lean against the door while taking the note out of my pocket. I unfold it and read in my head.

Cas-

Had so much fun with you this weekend. I still can't believe we're back at school- it's so surreal. Everything felt like it was back to normal when I stayed with you on Saturday night...almost. I say 'almost,' because you seemed really out of it. I know I'm kind of out of it too, the school gossip, I mean, but I've caught up. I know you've been cheating on me. Or maybe you're cheating on her- I'm not entirely positive, but I'm not going to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks that's okay. Yes, you read it right, Cas, and it means exactly what you think it does.

Truth is, I was probably going to end it soon anyways. I should've ended it for real a looooong time ago, if you get my drift. But I have to admit, you're a good enough kisser to make me want to keep you around ;)

So...goodbye, I guess. I know you'll avoid all of us for the next few weeks, but if you're nice maybe I'll clear your name and we can all be friends again. But then again, I don't know how long we're staying in school...oh well. Goodbye.

XOXO- Deborah

Lord, have mercy. After all that, she still has the nerve to sign her name with hugs and kisses.

I crinkle the note in my hand and punch the wall of the stall with my fist, creating a loud BOOM that reverberates off of the other stalls. Sam was telling the truth about Deborah. Nelly was telling the truth about Sam. Lysander was telling the truth about Nelly. Every word each of them said was true, and I lashed out because I was caught up in a fantasy. I was caught up in a love that never existed. Deborah used me.

It's impossible to describe what that realization feels like. It's a hell worse than anyone could ever imagine. All along, she never felt anything. She played with me because it was amusing for her to watch me melt at her feet, and that's exactly what I did. And the band...she really did turn them against me. All that time I thought they were jealous of my relationship with Deborah.

How is it even possible to be so blind?

The only thing that I know for certain right now is that I have nowhere to go anymore. The band hates me, and Deborah's no longer my key into their exclusive club. Nelly hates me now, too. Rosa's going to hate me by extension. And I don't think Lysander hates me, but he's pretty pissed. There's only one person I might be able to talk to.

Sam isn't hard to find, being a loner himself. Loners always hide in the same, cliché places, and Sam is back behind the staircase in the corner, doing his math homework and snacking on a bag of potato chips. I've learned from Lysander how to walk without making a sound, so Sam doesn't notice my approach until I make myself known.

"The Pythagorean Theorem is A squared times B squared equals C squared, not..." I peer over at his paper, "whatever the heck that is." Sam jumps at the sound of my voice and turns around.

"Oh, hi, Castiel," he says nervously. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, you can," I say decisively, crossing my legs and sitting down across from him. The surprised look on his face is priceless. I hand him the crumpled note from Deborah. "You can tell me exactly what you told Nelly."

"About...?" Sam's voice fades away as his brown eyes skim the note. When he looks up, his skin is considerably whiter. "Oh, that."

"Yes, that. I want the whole story."

Sam tells me the whole story. To his credit, he finishes it off with saying that I am, in fact, a much better guitarist than him and that he's sorry I was kicked out. I nod curtly and gather my things to leave.

"Where are you going?" Sam asks.

"Home. I've got better things to do than rot in this hellhole," I snap. His story hit me where it hurts, so to speak, and even that would be an understatement. In a single morning, I've had my heart ripped out and crushed, become my friends' worst enemy, hurt the girl I think I might actually love, and basically turned myself into a complete outcast. There's no way I'm sticking around.

Lysander, Rosalya, and Nelly are getting ready to come back in for third period when I leave, but I don't so much as glance in their direction. I drive way over the speed limit to get home, and the second I walk in I hunt down a can of beer from Dad's secret home stash and chug it down. I've actually never drunk before because I was always scared of ending up like Dad, and it tastes disgusting, but hopefully the side effects will be worth it. And at this point, I don't care whether I end up like Dad or not. Maybe Dad has the right idea. If alcohol really can wash away the pain, then I say it's worth a go.

When I'm on my third can, I start to feel the effects. I consider stopping, but it's making me forget. All I want to do right now is destroy things to vent my anger, so I rip open the cabinets and throw Mom's good china at the wall, at the windows, and at the TV, eliciting panicked barks from Demon downstairs. I scream at him to shut up and grab a pair of scissors, running up to my room. Lost in my impulsive rage, I pick up my red electric and purposefully cut the strings Nelly gave me in half, handing the memory of us playing C major chords over to the alcohol.

A few cans later, the anger is gone, but the deep down hurt is still there. Not even halfway in control of my actions, I strip down to my underwear and throw myself on the couch, the not quite empty can rolling out of my hand and staining the white carpet.

Who cares?

Who cares about anything?

My mind is a jumbled mixture of words and letters and numbers and images and sounds, and I can't discern the dreams from reality.

Demon barking...A squared...Lysander...Romeo and Juliet...death. Life...love...Rosalya...Leigh...C major...C minor...Deborah...lies...truth...Sam...Mom...Dad.. .abandoned...hate...love again...Nelly.

Nelly.

Nelly.

Nel-

Well, we all knew Castiel was bad at dealing with crises...what do you guys think?

Love yah!

Ava