Phil was in the lounge watching a film, eyes moving lazily, absently over the subtitles blurring at the bottom of the screen. He shuddered and pulled his hoodie tighter around him –had it always been so cold in here? He scrunched his face and missed a few lines while his eyes were closed, but it was no terrible loss that he would dwell on for the next scene or so. He could move on from that.
His mind wandered back to what he couldn't move on from, no matter how hard he tried to just forget it had ever happened. He didn't know why exactly he denied Ethan was his attacker; there was absolutely no doubt in his mind and in his heart that it had been the intimidating young man who'd cornered him on Dan's bed; who had threatened and touched him, and assured that it would happen the next time he saw him. Ethan was the only person with ready access to the room –everything added up without fail.
He'd chosen to stay silent, so to speak. He hadn't told the truth and now a rapist was walking free, free to hurt someone else. The guilt killed him more than the constant reminder that he'd been violated. And still honesty evaded him, and still no one knew. Signs and letters flashed in his mind like fireworks, and Phil curled in on himself on the sofa, clutching and scratching at his head as the horror continued. The film was long forgotten.
It wasn't until he felt a sob escape his sore throat that Phil had to tell himself to calm down. Dan was right in the bedroom next door, and the walls were thin. He'd never be able to forgive himself if he burdened Dan by letting him hear or see him crying. There were a lot of things Phil couldn't forgive himself for. If Ethan hurt someone else, that would be on his conscious forever. Another sob escaped his throat and he resigned himself to it, hoping Dan wouldn't hear it.
He didn't know that Dan was already in the room. He didn't know Dan had come in with two bowls of cereal because he knew Phil hadn't eaten and he was hungry himself. He didn't know that Dan was physically hurting to see the love of his life in so much distress. He didn't know until Dan's arms were suddenly wrapped tight around him, pulling him in close and eliciting a small yelp from Phil.
That went on for a long minute or so, before Dan finally pulled back to sign to him. 'We need to talk.'
That alone would've struck fear into Phil's heart had it not been for that embrace they'd just shared, and he nodded.
Dan was hesitant, but he couldn't put this off any longer. His boyfriend was hurting and he needed to help. 'I really think you know more about the attack than you've told us.' He was quick to add, 'I know it's painful to think about, and I hate making you, but I'm watching it eat away at you and that's not okay. I can't just sit idly by and watch you hurt from bottling this up inside. If you need to cry, I want you to feel okay doing it in front of me and not going to hide away, because I want to be here to try to comfort you, make you feel better even if it's useless. I love you and seeing you like this breaks my heart.' Dan had to stop his hands for a moment to wipe tears from his eyes as they threatened to spill over. He looked even softer to Phil, concern and love in his eyes. 'I need you to tell me. Do you know who hurt you?'
Phil was shaking. This was his chance, maybe the only time Dan or anyone would encourage him again to name his attacker. He could do it, he could tell him and he had nothing to lose because this was just Dan, and Dan loved him almost as much as Phil loved Dan. And maybe it wasn't too late to fix this. He went to answer, but tears were burning in his eyes and he had to wipe them away. He was still crying, and cursed himself for it, but he was scared and the thought –the memory- was just so painful. He allowed himself a few moments to calm down, and eventually came around to spelling out a name. 'Ethan.'
And Dan was immediately boiling with rage against his ex-roommate. There was no doubt in his mind that if Phil was saying who did it, that was who did it. But the police would need more than that if Ethan was going to be arrested. Dan hoped he could convince Phil to press charges –otherwise there'd be no case. 'How do you know? Did you see him?'
Phil suddenly felt very small and uncertain of himself. This was what he really hadn't wanted Dan to know about, and what he'd worked so hard to keep to himself for his boyfriend's sake. But Dan wasn't living on campus, with Ethan, anymore. Though he had started to realize it was awful and irresponsible of him to not say anything, because what if Ethan had attacked Dan instead? Phil was glad to have taken it instead, but tears were stinging in his tired eyes. 'A while before, he touched me, and told me that he would do it again.'
Dan felt sick, and would've left to vomit if it didn't look so much like Phil needed him. He reached out and pulled his boyfriend into his arms, holding him tight, rubbing his back as the tears started to fall for both of them. He held Phil so his back was pressed against his chest, and Dan signed out in front of them, arms still hugging gently. 'I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.' It looked odd like this, but they'd done it before, and Phil would understand it.
He was probably crying more than Phil now. He couldn't believe he'd been so unable to protect him, and now this had happened and it wouldn't have if Dan had never left Phil alone with that douchebag –rapist.
'I'm so sorry, Phil. So, so sorry… Are you sure you don't want to tell the police?'
Phil was in no state or consciousness to make a decision on that at the moment. He was emotionally drained from the crying and stress and knowing his rapist was still free and that he had been raped, but remembered nothing of the attack but being hit in the head. Everything between the blow and waking up in the hospital, there was nothing of it to remember. And he felt sick and tired over that.
'I don't know. I'm tired.'
Dan nodded and, seeing the drained look in his boyfriend's eyes and knowing he probably wouldn't want to go to the bedroom, he laid Phil down on the sofa and hurried off to the bedroom to grab a pillow and blanket. He brought them back out to the lounge, finding Phil was half-asleep or more. Dan smiled softly at him in hopes to put him more at ease, and tucked the blanket around him. Phil's head was heavy and Dan didn't bother with the pillow, setting it aside to put back later. He knelt down beside him, and kissed his nose, and reached out a hand to touch his face and stroke his thumb over his cheek.
Dan tried to stay calm, even after Phil had fallen asleep. He couldn't blow this up, couldn't let it get out of control. He wanted to run that motherfucker down but for Phil's sake, he wouldn't. He'd stay, and unless there was reason to go at Ethan, he'd ignore it. This was about Phil, and they'd handle it how Phil chose to. And if that meant Ethan wasn't put in jail, Dan would accept that gross injustice because it was ultimately Phil's decision, and Phil was his world.
