"Seeing you so pissed off this early in the morning is unusual," said Tarc and sat down next to her with a food tray.
"It's that obvious, huh?"
"How many times have I told you that you're a terrible Sabacc player? Come on, your face is like an open book."
Rose massaged her temples. She really was in a bad mood. Ever since Hux had turned out to be the fanatic moron everybody told her he was, she was on edge. She was disappointed, angry. What the kriff was she supposed to do? She couldn't pretend to agree with him, but returning to the casual banter they had established over the past weeks seemed impossible now. Perhaps it would help to talk about it?
"I had a row with the technician last night."
"You did?" asked Tarc with a little too much enthusiasm.
"I mean, I knew that these Order types actually believe their own propaganda. But yesterday he actually held a speech about their great ideology and how crappy everybody else is – it just made me so mad! Uh, what a jerk!"
Tarc patted her shoulder. "You're not the first one. We're cooped up with them and eventually we get to know them," she flashed a knowing smile, "sometimes we even 'work on projects' with them. But sooner or later you need to decide if it's worth it."
"You lost me – what are you talking about?"
"You need to decide if the pros weight out the contras. For example: Do you like talking to him?"
Rose shifted in her chair. "Well, yes. If he's not-"
"Is he nice to you?"
"Uh, I guess- I-"
"Does he respect you?"
"Yeah."
"Is he good in the sack?"
Rose felt heat crawl up her cheeks. "Uh…"
"I would be a yes I assume. Does he make you laugh?"
Her face still felt hot, Rose only nodded.
"Does he annoy you regularly?"
"No."
"There you have it! You two are still good to go." Tarc leaned forward. "You still aren't going to tell me his name, are you?"
"No, I'm not! And I already told you, there is nothing going on between us!" By the stars! Why ever had she thought it would be a good idea to tell Tarc what was going on?
"Alright, alright. I'm sorry, okay."
Rose sighed. Perhaps she had been too harsh. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. It's just … my family is really taking an issue with me being here – working for the people who raided our planet. I figured it was okay to take their money to look out for my family. I want to keep this strictly business."
"You didn't expect that you would meet people you would eventually like, huh?" Tarc's voice had a surprisingly serious undertone in it.
Rose scanned her face. She had never thought that Tarc was shallow, but the way she said it … it didn't fit, there was a deeper understanding behind it. But she was right. "I'm supposed to dislike, even hate them. But I don't."
"There is nothing bad about liking people. The point is that you don't forget who you are and why you are here." Tarc gave her a loop-sided grin. "Life is shitty, there is no point in making it harder for yourself. My advice: enjoy it as long it lasts – everything is going to shit sooner or later. Why not have a good time while you can? Forget about what people think about you! You just have to care about yourself."
Rose gave her a small smile. "Perhaps you're right."
"Of course I am."
"Is this why you are here? To earn money to have a good time?"
Tarc shrugged. "You could say that." She paused for a moment. "I used to be like you, you know."
"What do you mean?"
"I used to care about other people. I busted my ass to do right by them. I thought that," she laughed, "I thought that it would pay off. That one day it would stop being so hard."
"I take it something happened to change your mind?" Rose asked cautiously. Tarc was usually all smile and laughter, she had never seen this side of her – bitter, contrite.
Tarc bit off a large piece of bread. She chewed and gulped it down and said: "The galaxy happened. There is no big pay off, no parades for a gal that tried her best. So I said to myself 'why the kriff even bother?' – the galaxy is a shithole and in the end we are all alone. Nobody really cares about others, some are just better at pretending than others."
Rose wanted to say something to soften Tarc's bitterness, but before she could open her mouth, Tarc continued: "Sorry, I'm just a little tired."
Tarc didn't look tired at all, suddenly her usual perky mood returned. "Don't make such a face, Rose. Little old Tarc is just moody."
Rose smiled at her. "I hope you're feeling better."
Tarc winked at her, but it felt little off. "Sure do!"
-o-
As she scrubbed the ventilation filter on deck 73 Rose mused about what Tarc had said. Of course she didn't know what really was going on, but her advice concerning Hux sounded good. Her mission could still succeed … if she looked at the pros it didn't sound so bad.
Pro: She actually liked working in the lab and could use her engineering strengths to motivate Hux to keep her around. He clearly valued her opinion was and surprisingly often ready to follow her advice.
Contra: The biggest negative point was her inability to pretend or to lie about something, and that she despised the First Order.
Pro: She kind of liked talking to Hux. He was considerate and polite. He was also highly intelligent and had interesting ideas about engineering projects. He also seemed genuinely interested in talking to her.
Contra: He was a fanatic who believed in the First Order. They were bound to clash, he went off the rails because of something trivial like Lifeday.
Pro: He had mentioned the new weapons programme and the presentation. As the head of the WDD he had very valuable intel that could change the course of the war. He was rather relaxed around her and there was a possibility that even a guarded man like Hux would slip up eventually.
Contra: She had to stick around and avoid certain topics while trying to coax information out of him. It's possible that he would kick her out after their spat.
She wiped sweat from her brow and lowered the cleaned filter back into the shaft.
Was there some point she had overlooked? No, that was it. Wait … she hadn't even thought about the evening when he had invited her into his quarters. She had conveniently forgotten that she had well, wanted to fuck him.
Come to think of it, his behaviour had been awkward and strange. First she had thought that he wanted to get her in his bed. That's what people in power are used to after all – taking what they wanted.
She had decided to follow through, had been curious about him. She felt the familiar knot in her stomach just thinking about it. It was kriffing embarrassing but if she was completely honest … she had been very tempted, horny and tempted.
He had looked so soft that evening, without the product in his hair. It's colour had been slightly brighter than usual, like the leaves of a Vossian Birch. When he laughed he looked different … handsome.
But way he had flinched when she touched him. Told her that he wouldn't advance her before sending her away. Perhaps she wasn't attractive enough for him? After all Paige was the tall, slim and beautiful of them.
Then she thought back how he reacted yesterday after she had agreed with him – albeit through gritted teeth – he had the same shocked expression like when she had cupped his cheek. This wasn't the look of someone who didn't like her touching him. It wasn't the look of somebody who had won an argument; there had been something oddly poignant to the way he looked at her. He had even tried to smooth over their dispute by offering her tea.
He liked her. Yeah, it was nothing new … she already knew that he liked her. He laughed at her silly jokes and …
She sat back in the narrow ducts she was in and muttered "Kriff" under her breath.
He- he didn't only 'like' her. The way he looked at her, smiled at her and occasionally blushed … Was it possible? Had he really fallen in love with her? It would certainly explain him telling her that she didn't need to come to the lab, the fact that he brought her tea, took her to a hangar in the middle of the night to show her interesting engines … was this his way of flirting with her?
When he had … feelings for her it would also explain why he had sent her away that night in his quarters. Despite him looking at her with this silly half-smile of his, he had felt bad because he had thought that she just wanted a promotion …
Her heart began to beat faster. Crap! No, no, no that couldn't be!
Tarc had gotten to her, that was all. Messed with her head. Yes, Hux had only been polite. He needed her help with his side-projects, that's why he had been showing her the engines. Yes, this explanation made much more sense.
She grabbed her tools and move along the duct to the next filter. She opened the panel with her hydro-spanner and started to clean the next filter and did her best not to think about it anymore.
