Emma
Well, pretty much everything has gone back to normal. The past few days have been hell for me and I truly hope they have been for him as well, although he doesn't act like it. I miss the days of sneaking glances and midnight visits, but all of that has disintegrated. I don't understand him. He says he doesn't deserve me, but...is that what love is really about? I think I deserve the one I love and that's him. In the back of my mind I know the real reason we're not together is because he doesn't truly love me. If he really loved me he'd be with me, not that big busted whore he's been all over the last few days. I swear, Heather Sinclaire? I mean, really! She is the nastiest, sluttiest girl ever to grace the halls of Degrassi and Jay has been draped all over her like some sort of love-sick puppy. He's been more cruel to me than usual as well.
I don't know what I've done to make him so cruel to me. In the past he would walk past me without saying a word most of the time, only once in a while would he mutter some insult. The last few days, every sing time he and that skank walk past me he's spouting out cruel words my way. I believe his latest was telling me that he wasn't sure how any guy would ever want me seeing as I'm just a stick and as flat as a pancake to make matters worse. How can someone who was once so sweet to me, now be so horribley mean?
Sean and Manny have been great. I swear, I couldn't ask for better friends. I wish so badly that I could love Sean. I mean, sure he's a little rough around the edges, but deep down he's probably the greatest guy I know. After we broke up freshman year he was horrible to me and I suppose I was to him as well. It makes me smile, now, thinking of the way we were to each other. We were so immature, but I suppose we were both just hurt and trying to hurt the other just as bad. Anyways, when things with Snake started getting really bad there was one night when I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down completely and when I tried calling Manny half a dozen times all I got was a busy signal, so I called the only other person I could think of: Sean. I remember how surprised he was to hear me on the other end of the line and then I remember being so mad when he hung up on me, but barely ten minutes later he was crawling through my basement window and holding me, telling me everything would be alright. It just goes to show what a wonderful guy he really is, the fact that he put aside all of our differences for that one night because I just needed someone to be there for me. I wonder if Jay would ever do that for me?
Sean and Manny recently sat me down and had talk with me about my eating. They said they're worried about me because I look like I've lost more weight. They said they never see me eat anything anymore, except a peice of fruit or some celery every once in awhile. I know it's not healthy, what I'm doing to myself, but I can't help it. I just can't eat anything lately. I tried, I really did, to eat the baked zitti Snake made last night and I just got nauseous. I know I'm not fat, logically, but when I look in the mirror I see this huge, disgusting blob staring back at me. When I step on the scale and see that I've lost another pound I just get this surge of pride rising up inside of me and nothing compares to that feeling. I don't really have anything left to be happy about. Jay doesn't want me anymore, not even once in a while, and that hurts more than I can possibly say. I can't control anything in my life right now, but I can control what I put in my body. I just have to be more careful...Sean and Manny are worried enough right now. I just have to start eating. It's that simple right?
The last few days all my energy has gone into trying to hate Jay, to truly hate him the way I used to...but I can't. All those nights I spent with him keep running through my mind and I wonder if it's truly over. I have to do this one last thing to assure myself that it's over. I have to try to fight for him this one last time.
Emma Nelson nervously tucked a peice of golden hair behind her ear as she made her way to the picnic bench that Jay Hogart sat on. She barely took notice of the other kids milling around the clearing as she kept her eyes locked on the brown-haired devil before her. Leaves crunched under her tennis shoes causing Jay to look up at her in surprise.
"Emma-" he started, but she quickly cut him off.
"I know what you said, Jay, but...what can I say? I have a hard time letting go," she spoke softly, scared of the words that were coming out of her lips.
"It's over, Emma. Deal with it," the cruelty in his words were not lost on the frail blonde. She cringed, inwardly, at his tone, but kept on with why she'd come here.
"If you don't love me, Jay, I will walk out of here. I will leave you alone forever and never look back. Just tell me you don't love me. Just say it," she pleaded with him. She needed him to tell her that he didn't love her. She needed him to say it, so that she could let go of what they shared. She knew that if she went on thinking that maybe he did really love her she would never move on.
Jay just stared at the girl in front of him, amazed at the courage it must have taken her to come here. He closed his eyes for the breifest of moments and then opened them to stare straight at her.
"I. Don't. Love. You."
Emma nodded as her eyes flooded with tears. She stumbled backwards, away from him. The pain shooting through her was like a thousand knives stabbing at her already bruised heart.
"Goodbye, Jay," she whispered, before turning around and fleeing the scene, much as she had that first night she'd been here with him.
Jay simply put his head in his hands and wondered how everything had gotten so complicated.
