"So if ya don't eat brains or wood pulp, what do ya eat?" Tino asked as he, Berwald and Snowball sat at the table munching on cereal and kibbles together.

"Well 'm eating cereal with ya right now..."

"Well, besides that, I mean."

"The same things ya do, probably," Berwald replied as he took a sip of coffee. "Human food, or whatever ya want t' call it."

"So ya eat human food..."

"Yah, most humans do."

"Aww..." Tino patted him on the shoulder "That's so cute how ya think you're a human. I wonder how that happened. Were ya raised by humans I wonder?"

"Yah."

"Ah, that would explain it then," Tino nodded before taking another bite of cereal. "So was it just this morning ya figured out my disguise or did ya see through it before then?"

Berwald raised an eyebrow "Ya were disguised?"

"Yah, I tried to disguise myself as a clone of ya by wearing your pajamas so ya wouldn't eat my brains. Although I guess that was pretty silly looking back now yah? I should've believed ya the first time ya told me ya weren't a brain-eater."

"...I see..."

Disguising yerself as a clone of m' by wearing a pair of m' pajamas... Suppose there are strategies more ridiculous than that, just not very many.

Berwald finished his cup of coffee and got up from the table. "Well, 'll be in m' workshop."

"Okay!" Tino got up and followed him "I'll come help ya!"

"NH!" Berwald's heart nearly stopped. While he trusted Tino to be an ethical person with a gentle heart and good intentions, he did NOT perceive Tino as someone sane enough to be safe around power tools "Nh, that's fine. Ya don't have to help m'."

"Oh but I want to," Tino replied with a bright smile "Ya have been ever so kind to me, and I've been having all these silly misconceptions about ya, please let me make it up to ya by helping ya out."

"Hm." What was a polite way to say 'I think ya would kill yerself if ya used power tools.'? Was there a polite way of saying that? Probably not.

Think Berwald!

"If ya...really want to help..."

"I do!"

"Then 've always wanted, umm..." Berwald grabbed a stack of paper and the set of paints he'd used on the paper mache can of crayfish. "Lovely pictures of animals t' decorate m' hallway. Ya want to paint m' some?"

Tino's eyes lit up "Oh really? That's more like fun than work to me but alright! If that's how ya want me to help then that's what I'll do!"

"Yah thanks," Berwald replied as he slipped away to work, proud of himself for finding a way of keeping Tino far from power tools for at least a few hours.

Around midday, when Berwald emerged from his workshop tired and covered in sawdust, he caught sight of his hallway wall and nearly fainted.

"Did ya...look up photos off of Google for reference or something?" Berwald asked as he stepped closer to an amazingly lifelike painting of a baby giraffe.

"Oh hi Berwald!" Tino called from the kitchen before running over. "Ah, actually that's not based off a photo, just me painting from memory."

"Yer kidding."

Tino shook his head.

"…'m at a loss of words."

Tino blushed "Ha ha! You're too kind, really. I'm glad ya like it though."

"Amazing…" Berwald's eyes widened as he walked down the hall. The other paintings featured an otter, an ocelot and a poison dart frog, and all were done with as skillfully as the first. "Didn't know ya were an artist."

"Oh I wouldn't say that I was. I just love looking at wonderful animals, so it's fun to paint them too."

"I see…" Berwald stepped into the kitchen and found that Tino had started another painting, this one featuring a large, brown lizard. "Hm. What's this one?"

"Ah, that? That's a picture of the pet Savanna Monitor I had when I was growing up. I think I told ya about him, he was the one who thought he was a human and ate at the table with us."

"Monitor is a type of lizard? That makes more sense. Thought ya were talkin' about a computer screen."

Tino started laughing "Really? Ah ha ha ha! Ya thought I kept a computer screen as a pet? That's so silly. Ah, ya must have thought I was crazy."

Still think yer crazy, Berwald thought to himself as he pulled the leftover sandwich cake out of the fridge Now I just know that yer crazy-talented in addition t' being clinically insane 'nd insanely adorable.

"Ya want lunch?"

"Yah, I'd love some. Thank ya!"

They sat at the counter to eat, since the table was covered with Tino's painting supplies. While Berwald thought it was interesting and neat to learn about Tino's artistic talent, he felt a little guilty about not knowing about it until now.

Just thought he was a cute little insane guy with a kind heart, which he is, but there's more t' him than that. He's kind of a genius in his own way. Underestimated him, shouldn't have done that. What else don't I know about Tino?

"How did ya decide ya were going t' become a wildlife investigator?" Berwald asked, unknowingly initiating a character-developing flashback.

Tino swallowed and set his fork down "Ah, great question!" He smiled nostalgically, not genre-savvy enough to realize he was falling into a cliché. "Ya see, it all started when I was very young…"

Twenty years back in time…

Dear Fake Santa,

I know you're not the real Santa, because that's me. But since you're pretending to be Santa can ya please give me a new set of lungs and make medicine taste more like sugar plums?

Thanks!

Tino

Five year old Tino put the crayon back on the bedside table, folded the piece of notebook paper up and stuffed it under his pillow. A coughing fit made him collapse back into his hospital bed. A severe viral respiratory infection during his infancy had left him sickly and fragile, and the first few years of his life Tino was constantly winding up in the hospital with his lungs infested by some opportunistic pathogen that would take weeks to clear.

A nurse wandered in and, feeling sorry for Tino, decided to switch on the hospital TV.

"Hey kids! Are you ready to see something AWESOME?"

Tino's head perked up as he tried to muster up the strength to look at the television. "Yah! Seeing something awesome sounds good!"

"Then get ready for this weeks episode of ANIMAL AWESOMENESS, hosted by me, Gilbert Beilschmidt and this amazing yellow bird on my head."

"The bird is amazing," Tino agreed.

"Today we'll take you to see Icelandic head puffins-awesome. Amnesiac polar bears – awesome! A guy with 10,000 war ponies – AWESOME!"

"This show is awesome!" young Tino exclaimed, his eyes lighting up like the giant town-square Christmas tree as he got lost in a magical world of bow-tie wearing puffins, forgetful fuzzy polar bears and prancing pink ponies.

The animals all look so adorable! I wish I could pet them all and be their friend, Tino thought as he longingly looked up at the TV screen. From that day on Tino would tune in to Animal Awesomeness religiously every afternoon. As soon as Tino was well enough to go outside again his parents decided to take him to a zoo, where he unknowingly embarrassed the heck out of both of them by pretending to be Awesome Animal Gilbert and yelling out lists of facts to other visitors about the creatures in the exhibit.

"Wasn't-," Berwald suddenly asked, switching the narrative back to present time "-he th' guy that got kicked off TV because of what he said at an elementary school?"

"Yah, that was him," Tino sighed "More than that, I was AT the elementary school when he said it."

Returning to twenty years back in time…

"Hey, Mr. Beilschmidt!" one of the children in the assembly called from the bleachers. "Can you please tell us how you got so awesome?"

"Well OF COURSE little child! Heh heh," Awesome Animal Gilbert smirked as he pulled out a cold one out from behind the podium "Part of why I'm so AWESOME is because I drink beer. Drink beer children! BEER! If you don't you're a total loser and you'll never succeed in life. Give into my awesome peer-beer pressure children! BAH HA HA HA HA!"

Returning to present time…

"That sounds…traumatizing." Berwald noted.

"Yah, it kind of really was," conceded Tino "But it wasn't too bad. My parents just sat me down that night and gently explained to me that I could still be the host of a wildlife TV show, just not a naughty beer-chugging one like he was."

"…I see. So yer parents were supportive?"

"Yah very! Of course, that could've been because my only other career interests were replacing Santa or becoming a professional sniper."

Berwald nearly smiled "Sounds like ya were an interesting child. Wish 'd known ya, we could've been friends."

Tino laughed "I was such a silly kid! But yah, that's how it went. I still remember how cool it was to see all those neat animals on the hospital television, and how happy it made me. So I thought, 'Wouldn't it be great to be able to show wonderful animals to other people?', so here I am! Nice right?"

Berwald nodded and factored this information in with everything else he knew about Tino "Can see why yer job means so much to ya."

"It's my life!" Tino replied with a grin "Seriously, I don't know if I could live any other way. Who knows what I'd do if I lost it? Heh, I'd probably go crazy and run around reporting on made up things instead of facing the truth."

"Hm…" Berwald noted that though Tino was severely lacking in the sanity department, he excelled in the area of self-evaluation of personal weaknesses.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry, I've just been going on and on about myself. I didn't mean to keep ya away from your work for so long."

"Hm?" Berwald glanced at the wall clock, surprised to find that so much time had passed since he sat down with Tino for lunch. "Didn't notice th' time.."

"I'm really sorry! I guess it's just I've been lonely and you're a really good listener! I hope ya don't think I'm rude."

Status upgraded from "brain eater" to "good listener".

"Good listener" = vast improvement

18 levels to go from "good listener" to "father of Tino's babies"

Outlook = Fantastic

"Yer fun to listen t'," Berwald replied as he stood up and pushed his chair in "Thanks f'r having lunch with m'."

Good response, Berwald. Now impress him by subtly mentioning how masculine and attractive the work you're about to go do is.

"Ya want t' have dinner with m' after I spend about six more hours building couches from wooden planks using nothing but m' bare hands 'nd a toothbrush?"

"Oh!" Tino gasped "Building couches from wooden planks using only your bare hands and a toothbrush is so masculine and attractive! Of course I want to have dinner with ya!"

Good work, Berwald. Likelihood of "sweet lovin'" tonight has increased by 17%.

Nh, there's somethin' really wrong with th' narrator.