"Forty-seven bottles of Tang on the wall … forty-seven bottles of Tang. Take one down, pass it around, forty-six bottles of Tang on the wall."

Dib sighed. He was still strapped in a seat of Zim's spaceship on autopilot to Irk. But don't feel too sorry for him — he'd actually started at forty-seven, not one hundred bottles of Tang. I'd say he was pretending to have sung that long for pity, but there was no one else aboard.

'I should try to figure out how to escape from these seat belts,' he thought. 'Most of Zim's stuff is voice-activated. If only I could figure out what the trigger word for release is …'

"Release." Nothing. "Unlock. Free. Unfasten. Detach. Sixth synonym. Ohhh," he groaned. "It's hopeless! I'll never figure it out! … unless, it's a random word. Like … banana. Amoeba. Noodles. Arsonist."

Still, nothing happened.

Dib frowned and sank a little in the seat. "I give up."

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

"Oh, boy! Did I say the secret word?!"

The ship gave a rumble, and a red light flashed on and off.

"Cruiser is under attack," said a monotone computer voice. "Please employ escape pod or await doom."

Dib grimaced. 'This can't be good …'

"Cruiser is being boarded by intruder," said the computer. "Weapons activating. Weapon activation failure. Prepare snappy or meaningful last words for death."

"Oh, I've done that lots of times. I like 'Agent Mothman — The Final Chapter Ends,' or the classic, 'Goodbye cruel world!' or 'Look for me when I'm a ghost!'"

"Sensors indicate terrible last words. Total failure."

Dib furrowed his brow. "Hey!"

On the outside of the ship, a small vessel had attached itself to where the entrance was. The hatch opened and a silhouette's figure hung in the doorway.

"Look for me when I'm a gho—" Dib was forced to stop when the intruder jumped on top of him and struck his face. "Hey! What was that for?!"

"Shut up, you insignificant insect! Prepare for a merciless death!" snapped the intruder.

"You know how many times I've done that today?" said Dib casually. Then he did a double-take. "TAK?!" Once again, Dib had a "??" moment.

"Yesss," she hissed. "How stupid of you to fly your cruiser right in my pod's projected path. I told you I'd come back, but it looks like you've made my job easier."

"Tak … you're alive?"

"Of course I'm alive!" She rose onto her spider legs. "I was blasted into space, not into bits!" She smirked and looked down. "Wow, Zim, you've really let yourself go."

Dib glanced over himself. "What?! No, I'm not Zim! This is a disguise! And a crappy one at that!"

"How dumb do you think I am?" she said, narrowing her eyes.

He hesitated. "I'm not sure. Less dumb than Zim but—"

"I AM A GENIUS!" she screeched. "And of course you are Zim. My pod indicated an Irken vessel, with Zim's tag on it."

"This is Zim's ship, but I'm not Zim! I'm Dib!"

"Nice try, Zim." She paused. "Actually, no it wasn't. Terrible try. Why would that Earth kid be out in the middle of space in your ship disguised as you?"

"It's a long, long story. Probably boring too — if it was typed up and put on the Internet I doubt anyone would even read it unless they were crazy. But it all started with seahorses. Did you know the male has the babies? Did that just blow your mind? Because that feeling, well it has a name—"

"UGH! SILENCE!" she screamed, grabbing his mouth shut. "I want to hear myself talk for a change. Now I will now proceed to tell you my plan. Do not question it."

Dib whined, his mouth still clasped closed.

"First, I'm going to kill you. Then, I'm going to hijack this ship, turn it around, and go back to Earth. There I'll take over your mission, but with an even better plan than before. You see, I originally thought that Earth was useless. Just a waste of time. Until the meat …"

Dib's eyes widened.

"Through my research on Earth, and with you as my guinea pig, I have learned that our species does not tolerate this substance well. You have personal experience with its flesh burning abilities. Its potential as a weapon is immense. So I thought to myself — well, this planet is crawling with meat. And not just from what those humans consider 'lesser animals.' Why, the humans themselves are full of meat!"

'Holy crap, is it possible that she's even crazier than Zim? Maybe it's an Irken thing …'

"I shall round up all the humans and animals, put them in a huge meat grinder, and use that to further our Irken galactic conquest! The Tallests will surely be impressed."

"Ummph! Ummph!"

Tak finally let go of his mouth.

It took a second for Dib to catch his breath. "Tak! Don't go through with it! I mean … come on, humans taste bad, I'm sure!"

"What, do you know from personal experience?" she snapped. Then she rolled her eyes. "And besides, we're not going to eat them, idiot. We're going to throw it. Surely you remember when I did this to you?"

"Yes, but that was Zim, not me!"

Tak reached inside her pocket and pulled out a large Deelishus Weenie. Without a pause she smacked Dib upside the head with it. "Knock that off already."

Dib's pupils rolled around a bit under his contacts, as his balance was thrown off.

"I see you're not smoking with pain. Guess I'll have to pull out the big guns." She grinned evilly and pulled out an even larger weenie, this one dripping with hot sauce. Once again, she hit his face with it.

"Hey! Cut that out!"

"Your flesh? It's not … burning in agony?" She narrowed her eyes again. "What is this?"

"I'm not Irken, I'm Dib! Dib Dib Dib Dib Dib! Dee-eye-bee, DIB!"

"If you're Dib, then why are you mostly green? With Zim's clothes? And antenna?"

"Isn't it obvious they're made of licorice?! Please, get me out of these restraints and I'll prove I'm Dib!"

For a moment, she thought about it. But then she wondered what the point was. "You realize I'm going to kill you regardless, right?"

"I figured as much. But that's okay, I guess. I already went through the five stages of grief so I'm good."

"Wait." Her eyes widened. "If you're Dib, then you're made of meat! Valuable, useful, filthy meat!"

His face fell. "Umm …"

"I can kill you and harvest your flesh right here, right now!"

"Yeah, um, that's a little disturbing …"

"Is it? Is it really?" She edged in closer. "I'm apparently speaking to a member of a species who enjoys putting these in their mouths." She hung the weenie in his face. "By the way, do you want this? Because I have a ton of them leftover from that whole weenie stand thing, and they're starting to stink up the pod."

Dib shook his head. "Not anymore."

"You sure? It could be like a last meal type of thing."

"No, I'm good."

There was an awkward pause.

Finally, Tak narrowed one eye. "I guess I should kill you now," she said with a shrug.

"It's your job … I guess."

"Very well then. Goodbye, Dib."

"Look for me when I'm a ghost!" he shouted, bracing himself.

Suddenly, Tak jammed her gloved hand deep inside Dib's abdomen, almost like she had super strength. She pierced his flesh and reached deep inside of him.

The boy only gasped in pain.

Tak poked her tongue out as she felt around. "Mmm-hmm … mmm-hmm … yes, very nice, full of dangerous organs … hmm, squishy …" After a few seconds, she finally pulled one out. It was his spleen.

Dib opened his eyes to see her looking over his organ in deep thought. "It's funny," he said weakly. "Zim did something a bit like this once …"

Dropping the spleen, her eyes immediately locked with his. "What did you say?"

"He … he gathered up our classmates' organs once … he collected them one by one and…."

"I have a plan similar to one of Zim's?!" she asked in shock. For a few moments she just stood there, frozen.

"Tak …?"

Suddenly she crammed the organ back inside of Dib. "UMPH!" he grunted.

"I … can't believe it … have I really sunk that low?"

"Y-yes!" Dib stammered. "You should abandon it, unstrap me, get back in your escape pod to never return, let me go back to Earth, and maybe give me some bitchin' alien gadget to take back with me as a souvenir. Yeah, that'd be great."

The Irken before him was now shaking. On her out-stretched arm formed a small device with the words, 'Self-destruct.' Her trembling finger hovered above the button.

"Yeah, do it!" he said after reading the words. "… NO WAIT!"

She glanced over to him, still wearing a wild expression on her face.

"Will that destroy just you or will I be killed too?"

"There will be an explosion of enormous immensity! It has the power to destroy twelve Earth moo-cows!"

"Oh. THEN DON'T DO IT!"

"Too late," she said. "I can't go on living knowing I'm only slightly better than Zim."

"Aw, come on!" Dib was grasping for straws here. "You're more than slightly better than him! In fact, I'm sure you're even somewhat better than him!"

"What do you care? You're going to die no matter what. At least this way I won't destroy your planet and harvest your species' meatiness."

Dib blinked. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Go ahead and do it then."

They both winced as her finger drew closer and closer to the button.

And then, she pushed it.

And the whole ship exploded.

And both Tak and Dib were killed.

And then Dib woke up.

He looked around. Still strapped in the seat. No Tak. No ship outside the door.

"Holy deus ex machina! Another terrible nightmare?!" He sighed. "Oh well. Probably for the best."

Just then his chair fell over. Dib was now on his side, but unable to get up due to the restraints. Briefly he squirmed in vain to escape, but then simply let his muscles fall limp.

"… crap."


Damn, I love messing with my readers.