Oh! Good to see you are still here, after such a long wait! Thank you! And, as usual, a mega thank you to my beta, kbinnz!
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Severus had no intention of going to lunch. He felt like he might explode if another conversation with Albus or Minerva was forced upon him. His Slytherins obviously noticed that something was wrong with their Head of House, and they proved their common sense by avoiding him the whole day. Snape tried reading to distract himself, but he put down the book after a while and restlessly paced in his office.
The headmaster's stern words wouldn't leave his mind. Albus had practically accused him of abusing his authority to physically punish the boy, and Snape was still angry at the charge. To the headmaster, Potter was a likeable boy who could do no wrong (or, if he did, was so full of regret as to be instantly forgiven). Snape snorted. He was only too glad that at least this one time Dumbledore had seen Potter's willfulness for himself - getting thrown out of detention and then merrily walking off to Hogsmeade as if he had not a care in the world! Really, the boy had some nerve!
Snape drew a deep breath, his thoughts unwillingly returning to Albus' accusations. When you intended to cane Harry, for whose benefit was this punishment intended to be, for Harry's or for your own?
Yes, that seemed to be the criteria by which Albus judged the appropriateness of a punishment: whether the punished person would benefit from it. So the first time he had caned Potter, for whose benefit had that been? For Potter's?
Albus would deny it, Snape was sure, as the boy had already been shocked and remorseful about his deed. Snape, on the other hand, still thought that it could only have done good to the little brat to suffer a painful punishment, and after all the boy had accepted it without complaint. Had it been for Severus's own sake? Partly, yes. It had felt good to be finally able to give the boy what he deserved, but only at first. I actually might have been too harsh, he admitted to himself. But it wasn't mainly for my benefit, it was for Draco's, and so I would do it again in this situation!
But what about the second time he caned Potter? Grudgingly he admitted to himself that it would be difficult to justify the second thrashing to Albus. He had been furious with Potter when he had threatened him with his punishment, but later, after his anger had dissipated and some misconceptions had been cleared out of the way, he had still carried out the caning, fearing his reputation would suffer if he didn't follow through. Looked at it in hindsight, he had to acknowledge that he had been wrong to cane the boy under those circumstances.
Snape shook his head. What was the matter with him? So what if it had been a bit harsh? The whacking had undoubtedly done Potter no harm. The boy wasn't some delicate waif, after all. Besides, he had healed him the next day and more importantly, the lad had so often got away with breaking school rules that it was just poetic justice that for once he got a whacking that might have been not entirely deserved.
Fury rose inside him once again when he thought about his detention with Potter. How dare that boy yell at him like that! What would Albus do to punish him, he wondered briefly. Whatever it was, it surely would be too lenient.
Reluctantly the man decided to attend dinner, lest anyone imagine that he had been upset by the argument with the headmaster. Glaring at everybody who looked at him, Severus was successful in discouraging anyone who might have wanted to speak to him. He levelled a dark scowl at the table where his Slytherins sat and an even darker one at the Gryffindor table.
Potter was present, pushing his food from one side of his plate to the other, while his little friends babbled on around him. Snape focused his attention on his own food and left for his office as soon as he decently could. He definitely was in no mood for idle chit-chat.
Back in his office he picked up the Daily Prophet, only to curse and drop it a short time later. Isn't it even possible to read a blasted newspaper without being molested by people's thoughts and concern about the Chosen One? he fumed.
There was a knock on the door. Wondering which one of his Snakes was foolish enough to come near him this evening, he went to the door. When he saw who it was, his irritated frown was immediately replaced by a deadly glare.
Potter cleared his throat. 'Sir, may I talk to you, please?' he asked.
'And what makes you think I would want to spoil my evening by talking to you, Potter?' Snape spat. Not that there was much to spoil, but the mere presence of the boy made him want to break something.
Potter flinched, but didn't go. 'Please sir, I'm sorry!' he pleaded.
'I'm not interested,' Snape replied coldly and considered smashing the door in Potter's face, but the boy had the impertinence to put up his hand to forestall his professor's closing the door.
'I'm sorry, sir!' he insisted. 'Please....!'
Snape suddenly became aware that their dialogue was almost identical to the one he had had with Lily all those years ago when he had begged for her forgiveness. But this time it was him standing with his arms folded on a threshold, and this time green eyes were staring pleadingly into unforgiving black. How often he had wished Lily would have given him another chance back then... He sighed and stepped aside to let Potter pass. 'Come in and sit down, Potter.'
After closing the door behind his pupil, he settled behind his desk and peered at the boy seated on the opposite side. Slowly Potter drew his wand and, head bowed, laid it on the table, carefully pushing it over to Snape's side of the desk. Then he folded his hands in his lap and stared down at them without saying a word.
Snape didn't know what he had expected, but it wasn't that. In the wizarding world, handing over one's wand was a distinct sign of submission. Doing so voluntarily was about the greatest demonstration of trust one could think of. He stared at the wand on his desk, just a few inches in front of him, then back at Potter, who hesitantly looked up and met his eyes.
'What did you want to say to me, Potter?' Snape decided to swallow his anger – at least for the time being – and hear him out.
Potter swallowed. 'I wanted to apologize, sir, for shouting at you and for drawing my wand. And I wanted you to know that I wasn't going to attack you. I really wasn't! You just looked so angry and I thought you were going to hex me, so it was a reflex action.'
'A reflex action,' Snape echoed sarcastically, although his instincts told him the boy was telling the truth.
'Yes,' Potter insisted. 'But I'm still sorry, and I know I shouldn't have shouted at you like I did. And…' He dropped his gaze, his voice barely above a whisper, 'I'm very sorry for mentioning the memory. I shouldn't have done that. You – you've never used any of the memories you saw in my head against me, and I'm sorry that I did.' He still kept his gaze on the floor. 'And it's not as if I've never said anything stupid when I was furious. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions.'
Snape realized that he had never before seen Potter so full of repentance and guilt, except perhaps when he nearly killed Draco. Albus must have really outdone himself in punishing Potter – something Snape would never have thought possible. Forcing down his astonishment, he coldly asked, 'So, Potter, to what do I owe this sudden, remorseful display? Have you suddenly matured? Or are you simply here because the headmaster ordered you to come? I trust he has expressed his displeasure and punished you?'
Potter visibly swallowed. 'He didn't tell me to come here... Sir,' he hastily added. 'And he didn't punish me, either. But he did "express his displeasure" and make me see that what I did was wrong. I hadn't seen it like that before.'
'Oh?' Snape drawled, curious despite himself. 'How had you seen it, Potter?'
The boy fidgeted a little in his chair bedore he answered, his speech interupted by pauses when he struggled to find the right words. 'Well ... you were ridiculing Hermione, and that made me angry. I was already annoyed about having to be in detention when everyone else was off at Hogsmeade and I just decided that this time I wasn't going to sit there and take it. I knew I wasn't exactly being respectful, but ... I didn't feel like I had to.'
Rage rose inside Snape once more. You arrogant little whelp, he thought furiously, I knew you've always considered yourself superior to the rest of us, though Albus never wanted to believe it, but now you dare to admit it to my face? He decided not to say anything yet, though. Let Potter finish what he wanted to say; there would be time to flay him afterwards.
Potter looked at him nervously and hastily continued. 'You see, sir, I know you've saved my life several times, but you've also treated me unfairly right from the beginning. I mean, on my very first day at Hogwarts, you made it clear that you disliked me, and I hadn't done anything to you! Then after that first potions lesson, everyone knew you hated me, but I had no idea why! Well, now I know it's because of my father, but honestly, I was just a scared and nervous eleven-year old!
'Was it just because I looked like him? There was nothing I could do about that! And I never wanted my fame. I hate it when everybody stares at me. But you've always assumed that I enjoyed it, always said I was arrogant.... You've never treated me with any respect, so I didn't feel like I should treat you with any!'
Potter's voice had risen considerably. Snape was just deciding whether to tell him off when the boy swallowed and, of his own volition, continued in a calmer tone.
'You won't believe it, but Potions was one of the subjects I'd been looking forward to most before coming here. When Hagrid took me shopping for my school things, I loved the scales and my cauldron and those interesting ingredients and I couldn't wait to learn how to use them. Well, until that first lesson, anyway.'
Snape was actually taken aback. He wasn't a passionate teacher, but he felt a deep devotion and enthusiasm for the subject of potions. Yes, he knew that the students feared him and his lessons, and he didn't mind that. Still, it was distinctly unpleasant to be told that he had put a previously interested child off potions – probably for good - with just a single lesson.
Could Potter possibly be speaking the truth? Had he really been looking forward to Potions? Maybe he had, but it took more than just curiosity to learn to brew, it took hard work and concentration. Snape thought of all the times Potter had been messing around with Weasley in class. No, he needn't blame himself for Potter's performance.
Potter's thoughts seemed to drift in the same direction, because he sighed and looked at the professor. 'Sir, I know I haven't been a model student. But I'm also sure that many times my potions weren't worse than the others', but I was the only one who got a zero. And I know that you have always been angry at my rule-breaking, and I understand that, I mean, you are a teacher, but...' He struggled to find the right words. 'I mean, I'm a student and everybody breaks a rule now and then, and when we get caught we serve detention...'
Of course you do, what are you babbling on about? Snape thought impatiently.
'What I mean is, the other teachers don't like it when I break the rules, but they just punish me and that's it. With me you always take it personally, like I do it deliberately to make you mad. You've said I consider myself above the rules, but that's not true!'
'Isn't it, Potter?' Snape had finally had enough of the boy's justifications and reproaches. 'It appears to me that when it comes to rulebreaking, you have broken all the records. Well, at least if we leave the Weasley twins out of the competition. And, to use your own words, not many "scared and nervous eleven-year-olds" make a habit of wandering the castle at night, in the restricted section of the library no less! You, Potter, broke the rules again and again, and when you heard that your father had also done so, it got even worse. After Lupin gave you that infernal map that insulted me, there was no stopping you!'
Potter muttered something but Snape wasn't listening, he was now in full stride.
'Do not interrupt me! This map that your father co-manufactured helped you feel immune to being found out, didn't it? Oh, you were only too glad to follow in your wonderful father's footsteps, weren't you, Potter?'
Potter was visibly struggling to control his emotions, but when he spoke, his voice was surprisingly level. 'Sir,' he said, 'it's true that I used to like it when people said I was like my dad. For the first eleven years of my life, I didn't know anything about my parents except the lies my aunt and uncle told me. When I got here and people told me my dad was brave and smart and good at Quidditch –then of course, I wanted to be like him. But, please believe me, when I saw the memory in the pensieve I was shocked to see him behaving like an idiot! When you caught me in the pensieve you asked if I was having fun, but you never let me answer. Well, let me answer now: absolutely not! I may break the rules, but I am not a bully. I know what it's like to be bullied, thanks to my cousin! And I found it horrible to see my dad treat you like that!'
'I'm aware of that, Potter', Snape said quietly, thus halting Potter's impassioned speech.
It took a moment before the boy spoke. 'You are?' Potter asked, sounding utterly bewildered.
'Lupin informed me that you had told them off for their behaviour.'
Snape's thoughts went back to that evening at Grimmault place when Lupin had cornered him. The man had tried hard to persuade him to resume Occlumency lessons with Potter and had tried to invoke Severus's pity by maundering on about how much poor Harry was suffering from being disillusioned about his dead idolised father. The fact that Snape had never forgiven Moony for never trying to stop his friends didn't help Lupin's cause, and the ensuing debate had not been a pleasant one. Well, there was no need to tell Potter any details, so he merely commented, 'He said you were devastated by what you had seen.'
'I was,' Potter admitted miserably. 'Everyone except you had always said he was a good person, but then I saw him act like such a prat... ' He added, hardly above a whisper, 'I wish I had never looked.'
'Yet it never occured to you to apologize. It took the headmaster for that.' Snape stated coolly. That was indeed a fact that had always angered him a great deal. He had come – albeit reluctantly – to believe that Lupin had told him the truth about Potter's reaction to James's bullying, and - even more reluctantly – he had admitted to himself that while the boy was undoubtedly a troublemaker, he was by no stretch of the imagination a bully. Still, the fact remained that Potter had wilfully violated his privacy and had never even uttered so much as a simple "sorry".
'Yeah, you're right,' Potter admitted miserably. 'I felt more sorry for myself for seeing him like that than for you at knowing I had seen it. But the headmaster made me see how selfish that was. I'm truly sorry, Professor,' he said, dragging his eyes up to meet Snape's. 'Please believe me. I know you must hate the thought I saw you like that. I can understand why you were furious – and still are.' He swallowed hard.
Snape stifled a sigh. The boy's remorse was patently sincere, and it was much less fun to taunt a penitent child than a defiant Gryffindor. 'Yes, Potter, I was furious. And believe me, had I then had the authority to cane you, I would definitely have made use of it. Who knows, it might have saved both of us some trouble and grief,' he added, then wondered what would have happened if he had in fact done so?
He remembered with mixed feelings the emotions that had swept through him during Potter's first punishment. After giving the boy a sound thrashing he had felt a mixture of reluctant pity for how much the boy was undoubtedly hurting, along with distinct satisfaction at forcing the boy pay so dearly for his recklessness. Maybe if he had done the same thing after the penseive incident, he would have found it in himself to wipe the slate clean and continue their lessons. Then there would have been no need for the horrible confrontation with Albus that had followed.
The old wizard had been livid when he had heard that Snape had stopped the lessons and accused Snape of acting like an immature teenager. However, as frightening as an angry Dumbledore was, Snape hadn't given in – for what was one of the first times ever. He suspected that the headmaster still hadn't completely forgiven him.
When he refused to resume the lessons with Potter, the boy had been lured to the Ministry, placing himself and his friends in mortal danger, and – indirectly – leading to the death of his beloved godfather. The whole debacle might have been preventable, if Severus had been able to teach him Occlumency.
Of course, that would only have worked if Potter had bothered to practice and put in a real effort, which Snape doubted would have been the case. More lessons probably wouldn't have made a difference in the end…although if Snape had been able to punish Potter's laziness with a few strokes of the cane,. surely that would have provided the boy with some strong motivation! But he hadn't had the option, and now they would never know. Black was dead, and it was no use to dwell on what might have been.
So he added sarcastically, 'At the very least, it would undoubtedly have made one of us feel much better afterwards.'
Contrary to what he had expected, his snide remark didn't provoke an indignant reaction from Potter. He merely nodded silently and looked down at his hands once again.
'You could still do it,' he said quietly.
Oh yes, and be killed first by Albus and then by Minerva, was the first thought that shot through Severus's brain, to be replaced quickly by a sense of utter shock that Potter would even make such a suggestion. He stared at the boy who finally managed to look up, pink-faced and obviously feeling anxious, but there was no doubt that the offer had been honestly made.
Unlike Albus, Potter seemed to find the idea that Snape would hand out a thrashing to make himself feel better, and not to help Harry learn something, completely understandable and not morally contemptible. Snape shook his head internally. Boys!
'A whole year later? I don't think so, Potter. I may hold a grudge, but even for me that's a bit much.'
Potter's relief was obvious. He asked tentatively, 'Sir, would you mind telling me…My dad, was he generally like that? You know, a bully?'
Snape considered him for a moment. Why did the boy ask him, of all people, not Lupin, not Minerva, not Albus? Because he wants to hear the truth, a small voice said inside his head, no pretty sidesteps, but the naked truth. Respect for his pupil rose inside him and stifled the temptation he felt at first, to answer with a simple "yes". But that wouldn't have been true, he had to admit. James had treated most students well.
'No, Potter. Not generally,' he answered and Potter breathed another sigh of relief. 'Just with me,' the man continued coolly, not wanting the boy to get the impression that what he had seen had been a single, uncharacteristic lapse on his father's part.
'Oh.' Potter looked at him uncertainly and then changed the subject.
'Sir, I just wanted you to know, when I looked into your pensieve, I didn't do it because I wanted to see embarassing things from your private life. Really! It was just that nobody was telling me anything, and I thought you might have some information about the Order in the pensieve, and I would find out what it was all about with the Department of Mysteries, but then when I saw my dad in there I just couldn't leave...'
'Let me see if I understood you correctly,' Snape said slowly. 'You didn't want to embarrass me but rather looked into my pensieve in order to find out about Order business that I might have wanted to hide from you.' He paused and said quietly, 'I see.'
'Yes,' Potter confirmed in tones of relief, and Snape felt overwhelmed by the boy's complete lack of common sense.
'And it didn't occur to you,' he went on, still quietly, 'that any information hidden there would have been there for a reason? You are aware what the Dark Lord would have done to me if he had broken through your non-existent occlumency shields and found memories concerning my work for the Order in your mind?' His thoughts went to the most recent of Voldemort's torture sessions that he had been forced to witness while performing his spying duties, and he shuddered. He shook his head. 'Really, Potter, I know that you dislike me, but I have been unaware until now how cunningly you have worked to bring about my painful death!'
Potter was just staring at him. 'I.... I didn't think!' he stammered.
'That, Potter,' Snape said icily, 'is exactly your problem. You never think!' He wanted to scream in frustration. When will you stop your foolishness and learn to think about consequences? Too many lives depend on your ability to consider your actions!
'Well, Hermione does!' Potter said flippantly.
Snape said forcefully, 'Yes, thank Merlin, she does! I am only glad, Potter, that you prove more sensible in your choice of friends than in your choice of actions!'
Potter blinked stupidly at that.
Snape drew a deep breath and continued. 'In fact, you should listen more closely to what she says. Especially during the next few weeks, when she will be explaining those relaxation techniques to you.'
Potter shot him a bewildered look. 'But earlier you thought that the whole idea was just ridiculous!' he protested.
'I never said that, Potter,' Snape snapped. 'And if you hadn't been in such a foul mood from the moment you entered my office, you might not have jumped to that conclusion. Although, I forget, jumping to self-righteous conclusions about other people is a speciality of yours!'
'But,' Potter protested feebly, 'you did make fun of her wanting to teach me meditation! Sir.'
'And you blame me for that?' Snape remarked drily. 'You fail to see that the thought of you of all people sitting on the floor, meditating, is about as bizarre as the idea of Professor Trelawney playing Quidditch?'
'Maybe she'd see the snitch with her Inner Eye,' Potter grinned.
'Maybe, Potter.' Snape supressed a grin. Yes, that would be about the only chance the madwoman would have. But what was happening here? Was he actually sharing a joke with Potter?
'So you mean you weren't laughing about Hermione, but about me?' the boy inquired hopefully.
'Indeed, Potter.' Snape eyed him for a moment. 'You become incensed at the thought that I might be mocking Miss Granger, but can find it amusing if you are the target of my humour?'
Potter shrugged awkwardly, but didn't reply. Snape dropped the subject and came back to what they had discussed before.
'Given your personality, I am sure Miss Granger has immersed herself into what may well prove her most challenging project.' Well, maybe not, he thought amusedly when he remembered the girl's crusade for the liberation of house-elves. Several poorly-knitted hats had made the round in the staff room after Albus had reassured the upset house-elves that they were under no obligation to be freed. 'But given her dogged persistence, I believe she is well suited to the job.'
He gazed at Potter and hesitated before continuing. This was going to be hard to say. 'I realize, Potter, that my methods to train you to control your temper have been somewhat... drastic. And it might well be that Miss Granger's approach will work better for you, especially since you obviously trust her and don't suspect her of "just wanting to make you miserable".' He quoted Potter's outburst from the morning.
Potter just stared at him stupidly.
'I have better things to do on Saturday mornings than have you yell at me, Potter,' Severus continued quietly, 'so I will suspend your detentions. Instead you will work with Miss Granger. But mark me! I will keep my eye on you to ensure that you practise and make progress. If you do, we will consider your detentions with me finished. If you don't...' He made an ominous pause. Better not to make any specific threats....
'I will!' Potter assured him hastily. 'I promise!' Snape believed him. And even better, he knew he could count on Granger: the girl would never leave Potter in peace until she was satisfied with his progress.
'Is there anything else about the Sectumsempra affair or today's events that you would like to tell me?' Snape asked, looking into Potter's eyes.
'No, sir,' the boy said softly, not bothering to hide his relief.
'I see. Then we will complete this now.'
Snape got up, walked over to the cupboard and opened it. On the lowest shelf lay the cane. Snape picked it up. Was he doing the right thing? He knew he never again wanted to use it on Potter, or any student, to be exact. But was it wise to tell Potter that? Wouldn't he need the deterrent in the future? He had to admit, Potter had in their present conversation shown him unprecedented respect, so why shouldn't he be able to handle Potter from now on? He easily managed with everybody else, after all.
Snape turned around and crossed the room to where Potter sat. Looking into the boy's anxious face, Snape suddenly became aware that the boy was misinterpreting his intentions. Understandably so, he had to admit.
Potter's wide eyes were fixed on the cane. He drew a deep breath, stood up and took a step towards the desk. 'Yes, sir,' the boy whispered and started undoing the fastenings of his robe.
'Potter,' Snape said calmly, holding the cane out to him, 'take this and put it back where it belongs.'
'What!?' Potter spluttered.
'Take the cane and put it back where we got it from,' Snape repeated impatiently. 'I trust you remember where that was?'
'Y-yes,' Potter stammered, 'but aren't you going to… you know?'
'Cane you?' Snape shook his head. 'No. I have no intention of doing so again.' He hesitated. 'It might have been a mistake the last time as well.' There. It was out. That was the closest he would ever come to an apology to Potter and he hadn't liked to say it, but the boy had impressed him several times during their conversation, showing a side of himself – self-deprecating, penitent – that Snape would have sworn didn't exist. He had also been willing to submit to another thrashing and had - finally - apologized for his actions with the pensieve - actions Snape would never have expected the boy to do willingly.
Potter stared at him for a moment before mumbling 'That's okay.' He seemed to feel as awkward as did Snape himself. 'Erm, I did tell you that Professor Dumbledore didn't punish me, didn't I?' the boy asked. He obviously couldn't believe his luck.
Snape was amused and couldn't resist teasing him. 'You never before appeared to be someone who minded getting out of a punishment.' Snape raised his eyebrows. 'And last time I looked, you were no house-elf. But, certainly, if you insist... ' He flexed the cane meaningfully.
'No!' Potter shouted hastily, then blushed crimson. 'Of course not,' he muttered, hurrying to take the cane from him.
Snape gave it to him, thinking of Potter's gesture of handing his wand over at the beginning of their meeting. Handing the cane over at the end somehow seemed appropriate.
'Thanks,' Potter mumbled.
Snape nodded. 'Don't forget your wand, Mr. Potter.'
Potter picked it up and walked to the door. As usual Snape couldn't resist throwing a last remark at him.
'Potter?'
His student turned around once more. 'Sir?'
'I just wanted to warn you, Potter. There is no need to indulge in your usual disrespect. I said "put it back", not "snap it in two and feed the pieces to the Giant Squid". After all, I might have need of it again, mightn't I?'
To his surprise, Potter didn't take the bait and snap back indignantly. Instead his lips twitched. 'Don't worry, sir,' he said, straightfaced. 'I'll stow it away neatly so you will have no problem finding it.'
Snape suppressed a laugh, hiding his surprise. Potter had obviously understood that his threat wasn't meant seriously. Was it possible that Potter of all people was among the few – the very few, Albus would say – students who understood his sense of humour? Arrogant Potter is even able to joke about being caned again? Where is his grudge about his whackings? Where is his injured pride? Since when are arrogant people able to laugh at themselves? He looked into the boy's eyes, and Potter cheekily grinned, adding, 'After all, you might need it for Malfoy.'
Snape rolled his eyes. You wish. 'Good night, Mr Potter.'
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A/N: That was almost the end. There is just an epilogue missing. As I still only have a somewhat vague idea about what it will be like, I can already say it will take a while – well, it's not as if I can claim having updated soon in the past, I know.
As I said at the begining of this chapter, thanks for following up to this point! And maybe you have a couple of minutes to spare and can motivate yourself and leave a review?
