Chapter 12

Negativity

Phil walked into the living room barefoot, wondering where Dan was. He woke up this morning and he wasn't asleep next to him as usual. Phil worried less now, Dan had been coping well, but he still didn't like waking up on his own. Not because he was worried about Dan, but because he was lonely. He found Dan on his laptop in the living room, and he gave him a quick peck on the top of the head. "Fancy a coffee?" he asked. "Hmmmmm… What, oh yeah thanks" Dan replied, distracted. Phil padded into the kitchen, waiting for Dan to remember his promise, waiting for him to tell him. He finished making the coffee and walked back into the living room, handing Dan his. He sat on the floor in front of the sofa, leaning on Dan's legs for support. He was boiling, and he glanced up at Dan to ask him if he wanted him to open a window, when he noticed Dan rubbing his arms. Phil knew something was up. Ever since the incident, Phil had noticed that when he was upset or agitated, he would rub his scars. Phil had asked him about it once, worried that it was to cause himself pain. Phil would let Dan work through his emotions in any way he wanted. He would listen to him talk, he could paint, he could write, he could trash the apartment for all Phil cared, he just couldn't let him cause himself pain. Dan had reassured him though, saying it was just something he did. He didn't even realise he was doing it. Phil reached up and gently pulled Dan's hand away from his arm to stop him. Dan looked down and smiled at him sadly before saying "Sorry, I'm moping aren't I? What do you want to do?" Phil sighed "Whatever you want" he said, looking straight ahead, waiting. Dan spoke again quietly, sounding sad "I don't want to argue Phil, please? Let's do something. Whatever you want." Phil looked back up at him, trying to stay calm and said "I don't want to argue either Dan, but I don't want to pretend everything's fine either. Wasn't pretending what kept you from me for so long in the first place? I want you to tell me whats wrong". Dan sighed and said "I'm fine ok, I'm just being silly." Phil was hurt that Dan even thought he would give up that easily. "Don't you even try that with me. You're not fine, and whatever's upsetting you isn't silly. If it hurts you, it's serious, whatever it is. Dan, you promised me" It was the reminder of his promise that made Dan tell him. He patted the seat next to him and Phil climbed into it. Dan took a deep breath and turned his laptop to face Phil while saying "I told you it was silly" Phil looked at it. It was another negative YouTube comment. They'd been getting many, and none of them really bothered them. Dan laughed most of them off, and he promised Phil they weren't upsetting him. He didn't lie. It was just this one comment. It affected him because it was so similar to what he had thought to himself when he tried to escape.

Fag

Phil closed the laptop, and studied Dan's face carefully. He took his hand and whispered "Tell me". Dan sighed before saying "It's just… that's what I used to call myself… when I was pretending. I convinced myself that being in love with you was bad… that nobody would love me if I was… a fag. It's one of the things I was thinking about when I… when I…" He didn't need to finish the sentence. Phil pulled him to his chest and slowly rocked him backwards and forwards, waiting for Dan's sadness to pass. "It's ok" he whispered over and over as Dan slumped exhaustedly into him. "I'm so tired Phil" Dan said. Phil carried on whispering into his hair "Your amazing. Don't listen to them. They are wrong and you were wrong, ok? There's nothing bad about this" he said, kissing his forehead. "This is sweet and pure, just like you. It's just a word. I love you, and that's all that matters ok? These idiots can't hurt you. They can't take you back there" Dan pulled away smiling. "I'm fine now Phil, really." Phil smiled "Promise?" "Promise."