Part 12
Flames licked and curled around the logs in the fireplace.
As fall neared, the temperature dipped some evenings to the point of quite cool. Tonight was one of those nights, and Cuddy was actually glad it had. It gave her the excuse to do exactly what she was doing: sit close to the hearth, a glass of wine in hand, the fire's warmth caressing her skin.
Sitting next to her was a backlog of files and reports that she'd spent the evening reviewing and signing. Her half-eaten supper on a blue plate sat atop it. The wine bottle was perched on the brown brick of the low hearth.
While the fire hissed and crackled, Cuddy let her mind drift through the events of the day, which had started out nice enough but ended in a jumble of emotions. The paperwork had eased some of her distress, but not completely.
She'd kissed House.
Not on the mouth. Not in a way that implied an intent to seduce. But it had been no less intimate. And neither had the way she'd brushed her fingers through his hair. They'd been things a lover might do, gestures of caring, comfort and, yes, love.
The memory of that tender moment made her shiver, even as the fire warmed her.
It shouldn't have happened.
It had been enormously awkward when she'd returned to him a short while later with the Reuben he'd requested — well, that she'd offered to go get. She'd considered not doing it but ultimately, she hadn't been able to just forget what she'd promised. He probably would have understood if she had. He might have even preferred she'd done so.
He'd been distant when she'd returned. Not cold, but his guard had been up. That had been hard to see and feel. She would rather face the full brunt of his rage than his distrust.
She'd kept things as professional as possible as she set the food up for him then checked his chart and made a few orders for the nurse. He'd nodded his agreement with her pain management plan and thanked her for the food before she left.
"Call me if you think another adjustment would help," she'd said as she picked up her purse. Only then had she dared a direct look at him and his gaze had been waiting for hers.
"Will you be back tomorrow?" he'd asked and she'd heard his uncertainty in even asking the question. As if he didn't know if he should, and torn on how he would feel about her response, positive or negative.
"I'll check in," she'd said. "But if you need…"
She'd let the rest go unsaid because he knew… He knew that if he needed anything at all, she'd do her best to make sure he had it. He had to know because he knew her. His eyes had told her he did and she'd taken strength from it, enough to actually leave the room and not stand there and stare at her shoes.
"I'll have my phone and pager," she'd said then and he'd bid her good night, so softly.
"Good night."
Cuddy whispered the words now to the memory of his blue eyes staring across the room at her. He'd looked as lost and conflicted as she currently felt. And there was no doubt as to why.
She was his doctor … he was her patient.
He was her employee … she was his boss.
They were friends … but necessarily formal.
They shared a connection … but it was not indulged.
They had been lovers … now they were not.
She loved him … he loved someone else.
Today had muddled all that in some form. An innocent kiss and caress had unleveled the playing field they'd silently and delicately built in his first months at Princeton.
It had been a joy to see him again on a regular basis, even if she was no longer the love in his life. He gave her hell on a regular basis, but she secretly loved butting heads with him, the challenge of matching wits. Sometimes it was as fun as it was frustrating.
Now they were going to have to work their way back there, somehow. Because she respected his relationship with Stacy. Because distancing themselves to the point of excessive formality would only add to the current awkwardness and impede their ability to work together. And she needed them to be able to do that, and not just for professional reasons.
No one would believe her if she told them that his insanity was sometimes the best part of her day. While she enjoyed the challenges of administration and relished those times would she could make a huge difference in patient care, there were times that some of the daily tasks were … mind-numbing.
House was never mind-numbing. And she liked the unpredictability of him, even if she sometimes cursed his timing or wanted to pull her hair out when he'd go overboard and take things just a little bit further than she was prepared to allow on that day.
Sorting out his messes could be a nightmare, but for all the messes he created, he also did amazing things. He saved lives out of the most bizarre, often critical cases. He was doing what she'd witnessed in Michigan, only with a confidence born of experience and not just knowledge. It was extraordinary to watch and she always felt a sense of pride in him that was perhaps not hers to feel — but solely his own.
She felt so privileged to have seen the beginnings of how he practiced medicine. To have worked alongside him even then.
That's why they had to fix things. She knew what he could do. She needed to be in a position to help him do it, and to step in when he needed to be checked. She was his biggest cheerleader, shield, referee, and sometimes obstacle. If things weren't right with them, then they might both be out of a job.
Cuddy wondered if they should just finally sit down and talk about the past and decide on a course of action. But even as she entertained the notion, she dismissed it. They'd never planned a damned thing in their relationship. To start now, would likely be a disaster.
Opening her eyes, Cuddy looked at the fire once more and smiled for the first time since the morning.
"We'll find our way," she said softly. "We always have."
