AN: One of my earlier reviewers suggested a "conversation" chapter between Blaine and his professor and at the time I really didn't give it much thought. The further I get into the uncomfortable period between SLS and OS the less Blaine seems to want to open up. I figure this was a good way to explore why. I am a total review!junkie, send your friends on over or if you haven't let me know yet what you think, please do so. It is the only way I get better.


"Professor Miller, do you have a minute?"

Randy Miller looked up from the essays he was grading to see Blaine leaning against the door frame to his office. "Of course, Mr Anderson, come in."

Blaine walked across the office to sit at one of the chairs across the desk from Professor Miller. Unlike his usual perfect posture he slumped down in the chair, leg tucked under him and his hands worrying the strap on his messenger bag. "I don't know what to do" he said abruptly.

"You are going to have to give me more than that to go on Blaine" the older man said trying to hide a slight grin "What exactly is it you are having problems with?"

"It's this whole assignment thing. I don't understand why it was so easy in the beginning. I had no problem writing about what it felt like coming out and the bullying and the beat down, but now I just feel like I can't do it and I don't know why." Blaine was practically speaking into his lap as he sat with his eyes facing the floor.

"Let me ask you a question. How did you feel writing about coming to terms with your sexuality?"

"It almost felt like I was looking back at someone else's life, like I am so far removed from the situation that it's not even me. Really it isn't me anymore, I got past the questioning and came out stronger for it." Blaine replied looking his professor in the eyes.

"OK, how about when you think of Dalton and your time with the Warblers?"

"Dalton became home for me. The guys I sang with were more than my friends, they became people I could depend on. Being the lead made me feel so much more confident, it felt like I had finally found something that I could excel at, both in my own eyes and in other people's. Honestly it made me feel like I was important and popular for the first time in my life" Blaine said with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face.

"So I can easily say that you don't have a problem with expressing yourself or how you feel in general. I can also say both from your writing and listening to you today that you have a very good grasp on your analysis of situations and their implications. What does it feel like when you start trying to explain the situations you are writing about now, the beginning of your relationship with Kurt?"

"Honestly I don't want to look at it, and that's the problem. I know that it is all in the past and that Kurt and I are strong and solid, but thinking about all that really makes me wonder why he fell in love with me in the first place. I mean, he had apparently been interested in me from the first time we met and I put him through so much during the first few months we knew each other. I don't know if I would have held on for that long and it just reminds me that I was only one misstep away from not having him in my life." Blaine had returned to his original posture, almost turned into himself and staring at the floor.

"Honestly looking back I am worried that I am going to do something stupid again and lose everything we have. If I could have been that insensitive and clueless back then, and he just put up with it because of how he felt about me, how do I know that I haven't done the same thing since then and he just swept it under the rug because he didn't want to tell me? How do I know that he would tell me if I have done something to hurt him? It was like he was so close to giving up back then, and he never told me. I don't know if I could make it through that." Blaine had silent tears running down his cheeks as he took a deep breath to try and compose himself. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be dumping all of this on you."

"It's ok, Psych professors end up being part time shrinks or at least I do. Let me ask you a question. Have you and Kurt ever talked, and I mean really talked about all of this?"

"Not in so many words, no. I mean we worked through our issues at the time and then just kinda got on with our lives. That stuff is so far in the past now, I mean 4 years, and I can't see how it is all relevant now. Won't bringing it up just make things worse? I mean do I really want to remind him about all that stuff?"

Professor Miller thought a moment before answering "Honestly, it doesn't sound like you ever really worked through the issues Blaine, at least you didn't. You still sound like you are scared to death that Kurt will decide that you aren't good enough for him. The past is something we have to learn from, whether that lesson is good bad or neutral. You know the saying 'Failure to understand history means you are doomed to repeat it'? They say that for a reason. That is part of what this exercise is about, learning who you are, what motivates you, what drives you.

"I honestly think you need to take the time to talk to Kurt. Maybe explain to him that I assigned this project and that it has brought up some things that you need to talk about. Don't focus on apologies, as you said it is past. Focus on what looking back on the issues has made you think. Make sure he understands that you need him to be honest and not sit back and take things because it is you. Let him know about your insecurities. Let him in rather than dealing with all this on your own. THEN I think you will be able to really look into yourself for the assignment and get what you need to out of it."

Blaine looked at him with a small smile "You know you are right. The one thing that Kurt and I have always said is that we can be completely honest. I need to face this, the fear. I don't know why it scared me so much, because I know he loves me. I appreciate you listening and for the advice. I don't need to 'turn into' that 17 year old again in order to look back and evaluate it." He stood and reached out to shake his professor's hand. "I can't say thank you enough."

"No problem at all Blaine," replied Professor Miller "Just remember that the next exercise is due on Wednesday, and I expect to see some real soul searching."

"Don't worry, you will" Blaine said over his shoulder as he walked out of the office and into the hall.