Chapter 12
It clicks. It fits the puzzle. Though there must be many unknown pages of L's past waiting to be discovered, it is definitely one of the missing pieces. It sounds like a generic first name that applies to both genders, but it could be a surname. Raito assumes it's a person since he doesn't know any desserts by that name. It would not be surprising if the detective is dreaming about cakes getting stolen. Nevertheless, there was a hinted reference to an individual during his confession, which seemed like ages ago. No matter, he will know soon enough.
x x x x
"I have a confession to make."
L waited and he appeared to have dozed off before Raito continued. "I feel afraid."
It takes great courage to acknowledge one's fears. It would be one step beyond to share it with another person. L respected that.
"I have no doubt that this is a dream." L was half looking forward to 'I'm Kira.', but it was such a poignant gesture for Raito to be disclosing his vulnerability that the detective had refrained from voicing out his inappropriate train of thoughts to ruin the moment. They would never have this conversation in broad daylight. Only in dreams are secrets revealed.
"When the investigation is over, where will we go?"
"We continue to serve justice."
"No, where will WE go?"
L did not respond. Raito went on. "Life drags on. Nothing means anything. Everything seems uninteresting. I have never felt so much alive before partaking in the investigation."
"It has been a rather remarkable investigation. Our subject has been the most elusive one thus far." L's tone was neutral. He was being cautious not to give anything away. After all, he was the confidant and it was not necessary to confide in return.
Raito breathed in L's scent, which had been magnified by their spent passion moments ago. He rested his face in the crook of the detective's neck and started in a toneless voice. "We go on our separate ways after this case is over. The future seems ambiguous."
"Raito-kun will be a man of achievements." L's fingers combed gingerly through Raito's hair, feeling the strands, warm and smooth. Raito leaned into the comforting hand, seeking much needed console from the man that he barely knew, the man who understood him better than anyone else on earth.
"It'll be lonely without you around." Raito raised his left hand, feeling the weight of the cuff. Initially, he had come to loathe it. Now, he knew there would always be a connection between them, with or without the metal link. His throat constricted, yet there was a rush to express himself. There were many unspoken words. Too many. He lacked the courage.
"What is the meaning of life?" Out of the blue, L asked an impossible question.
"That's an expression, L. It's supposed to be rhetorical."
"I believe not. I am confident that with your intelligence, you can certainly answer it."
"Under whose perspective?" Raito had never considered the question seriously. Life is just a state of being. What else could it mean?
"That's 50 percent correct."
"What's the other 50?"
"If I had to dictate it verbatim, it would not be your life. It is for you to uncover. Only you alone have the key to it." L's answer left Raito with more questions. L thought, hoped, he had found his other 50.
The surreal moment continued. Their stressed daily operations allowed little room for respite. It was only fair to relax from the influence of this insane world, if only for a short while. Raito felt too comfortable to move.
"L?"
"Yes, Raito-kun?"
"I have come to respect you, like you even." Like? Nice try. The term was too weak. Much too weak to convey his true emotion. He was beginning to understand the untiring drive behind Misa's obsession.
"Social etiquettes would require one to feedback in a positive manner."
"Then have good manners." It would be painful otherwise. Raito didn't care if L couldn't recall any of this afterwards. He wanted lies, sweet lies to soothe his fragile heart.
"Consider your feelings reciprocated, Raito-kun." L's tone was solemn. It was difficult to discern the emotional authenticity behind it.
Perhaps that was as close to prying any expression of feelings from L as he ever could. Maybe that was faked. It cannot be a lie! This was supposed to be a dream. People speak truthfully in dreams. Dreams are the last resort humans have to display their genuine selves without apprehension, without receiving criticism. It would be pathetic if someone has to lie in a dream. Simply inhuman. The person should be locked up in an institution. L did not fit the type. L was human. L was his. You and I, we belong together. Raito could feel warm liquid twirling around his eye sockets. He dared not shut his eyes for fear of the overflow. He held onto L tightly. Only in a dream would he allow himself this show of weakness.
"Care to explain your feelings?" Raito murmured against L's pale neck, the words felt rather than heard. Tears threatened to break free.
"They have yet to be analyzed. I have a theory."
Raito groaned. A theory? Now? L simply had no regards to others' emotions. Raito put two fingers on L's lips when he felt vibrations at his neck signifying air passing through his vocal cords. He feared the truth.
"Shhh..don't give a speech in a dream. It's only an illogical state of mind. You can save your theory."
L drew his lips together to kiss softly on Raito's fingers. There was nothing erotic about it, yet Raito felt as though he had been licked down there. The cum sodden silken cocoon still held their lengths prisoners. He grew hard.
"You amaze me in many ways."
"Am I being compared?"
L said nothing. The silence was a tricky response that could be interpreted as a simple 'no' or a guilty 'yes'. It fueled Raito's curiosity.
"Everyone is unique." In other words, 'yes' in three words. All this time, he wanted to understand the detective. He had been given the chance at this pretense of a dream. Raito decided not to pursue further though. L seemed far too coherent. He suspected L believed this to be a dream as much as he believed Raito not being Kira. It was a shame that they could not communicate their true intentions and feelings in a normal environment. They needed a make-believe dimension. It was ironic that only under a false state could they share true emotions.
Time stretched on. Raito planted a feather light kiss at the detective's neck.
"L?" Now or Never. There was a bursting feeling deep inside and he could no longer contain the flow.
"Hmm?"
In a shaky whisper, the young genius finally confessed, "I love you."
"As do I, Raito-kun." Without hesitation, L breathed out the words while maintaining the gentle massage at Raito's scalp, fingertips tracing pathways to set the young man's spine tingling. "As do I."
A drop of lukewarm liquid slid off Raito's cheek to land on the detective's throat. It contained joy, pain, hope and bitterness. He had feared the worst. He had expected to be ridiculed. It didn't matter that those three words didn't match his. He knew they meant the same thing. They had finally reached a common ground, though it seemed rather late in the stage. At any rate, exhilaration bubbled through him. Their hearts beat together, steady and strong. He felt content at this moment in time, in his lover's arms.
L envied Raito. Unlike the young man, his mechanisms for initiating tear flow had long rusted. It should be a fundamental instinct, a birthright. Babies could do it. He just couldn't. Over the years, he had shunned emotions. Human weakness. Mere hindrance in the face of crime. Raito had somehow lit up his life. Being happy is not a sin. Being sad does not bring Armageddon. He had learned much from the young man. He had been saved. He had dared to love again. No, that was nothing compared to this. What happens next? The future seems ambiguous indeed.
x x x x
"Tailor-!"
While Raito is thinking up a strategy to guide L awake without gaining a black eye, the detective has opened his eyes. They are open but he is not seeing the present. He reaches for Raito's silhouette in the near darkness and embraces him with surprising strength.
"Don't go." L's voice is slurred.
"I'm here." Raito is resting on his side, face slightly below the detective's jaws.
"It was my oversight. I should have never agreed to it." L has definitely mistaken him for someone else.
"Shh...everything is all right." Raito speaks softly, rubbing his palm along the detective's spine gently, soothing the visible anguish.
L's body relaxes and yields to the tender strokes. His rising erection digs into Raito's stomach. Then he tenses.
"Raito-kun?" His words are sharper with a higher level of alertness.
"The one and only." Raito's reply is rather dry.
"What happened?"
"You were yelling your lover's name." Raito is taking a wild shot. Is it a hit or a miss? He braces himself.
L tenses further. It's a hit. It is a miracle his muscles are not developing spasms.
The midnight stillness contains much potential. It is a restful time for the tired mind. It is a perfect period to carry out criminal deeds. It is a horrifying state for ghosts from the past to resurface. He has kept everything useless and obsolete categorized and shut away with his sheer mentality. He berates himself for allowing his heart to loosen the filing system within his mind. L attempts to unwind the tension. He places a kiss at Raito's forehead, which aligns with his own lips.
Raito experiences a dull ache in his chest. Not from jealousy. He has established that there's no current lover lurking in the shadows. It pains him to know that L has been burying his hurt all along. The great detective is respected by all with his astonishing abilities to solve mind wrecking cases but he is unable to resolve his own issues whatsoever. That's a ripple in an otherwise mirror still pond. It is only a matter of time before the disturbance reaches the outer edge. Only then would it become still again. He has everyone fooled with his expressionless stare and flat tone of voice. Was it his plan to keep everything locked up for the rest of his life? Were his moments of passions merely facades to throw him off too? He believes not. He hopes not.
Raito reaches between their bodies to grip at the erection pressing at his stomach. L holds his breath, "Leave it. I might hurt you."
To a mere stranger, it is quite touching. Yet to Raito, the simple expression of concern seems like a solid statement of their roles in this relationship. Though it annoys him, he decides to let it pass. There's the shadow of a doubt. Besides, it is a rather delicate moment. Perhaps L is indeed expressing concern.
"No, we wouldn't want that."
Raito proceeds to unfasten the pair of pants that's in the way. He reaches inside the boxers to touch L. The detective inhales sharply. A little release of stress should give them both a few more hours of sleep.
Raito slides his thigh in between the detective's legs to place his arousal against the top of L's thigh. He hitches up his own t-shirt and positions L's hard flesh at his stomach, pointing up. L lifts his left leg to swing it over Raito's hips, closing in the space for better friction. They are still in an embrace and the effect works pleasurably fine. They rock up and down in each other's arms. Tiny gasps and moans escape from their lips.
Soon, L has laid a sticky trail at Raito's stomach. The smooth path enhances the blissful sensation and he quivers pleasantly as the shot of hot liquid gushes out. He clutches onto Raito, an instinctive response that he finds immensely satisfying. Raito's bulge is still evident, pressing at his thigh. The breathing patterns and the heated cheeks signal to L that Raito only needs a few more strokes of encouragement. He glides in his palm to cup Raito through his shorts. No underpants. He kneads at the outline of his clothed erection.
"Nnnn..no, let me...ah..ahh..ahhhh- " Raito comes in L's hand.
"Did Raito-kun say something?"
"I hate you." Raito groans. He was about to undress to finish it. Now he has to take everything off.
"I love you too." L understands this should be a humorous response to a supposedly unfavorable expression of one's feelings. He has always wanted to apply it to a situation. He is pleased to have finally found the very person he could use it to and truly mean it in a serious way.
L senses a smile from Raito, since the young man has pressed his face under his chin earlier. Is he perceptive enough to decipher the actual feeling behind the comical front?
Being with Raito is an entirely different experience. His past lover, if he could call him lover, was basically an acquaintance that worked in a different sector. Both of them were detached emotionally, even when they were attached physically. Their relationship was merely a convenience at the time. Though the other man had committed capital offense, L still blames himself for hastening his death. Their intimacy had made him blind and the criminal activities were accomplished right under his eyes. When asked, the criminal lover did not hesitate to offer his assistance to serve justice for one last time, knowing there was a high possibility of dying. It was conceivable that the criminal had wished to redeem himself, nevertheless, L has felt guilty ever since when the service ended in predicted fatality. The recent bombardment from Raito's overwhelming emotions has melted his icy fortress and sets loose a series of unpleasant memories. Was it a nightmare he had awoken from? It doesn't matter now. It was in the past. Raito is in the present. Raito matters.
x x x x
"Higuchi, how have you been killing people?" L asks through the amplifier, necessary to be overheard from the noises the helicopter makes. Raito is sitting beside him, watching intently.
Kira is cornered. He has been handcuffed and blindfolded. Police are everywhere. There is nothing Higuchi could do except to confess his secret. Yagami-san is then asked to pick up a certain notebook from the crushed car, which Higuchi claimed can kill people. He almost suffers a heart attack from seeing a monster suddenly looming over him. Mogi is next when he touches the black notebook. He recovers more quickly than Chief Yagami and hands the notebook to L, who is in the helicopter.
"Indeed..a shinigami. It...really...exists.." L stares unblinkingly at a vague spot behind the crushed car, where Higuchi is currently surrounded by the authority.
"Ryuuzaki, is it true?" Raito leans close to L and makes a grab for the notebook. "Let me see that."
L has superhuman reflexes and immediately stretches it out of bounds, to Raito's surprise. Disappointed, Raito fumbles with the seatbelt and hopes to get a good look at it when he retrieves it from L. Watari is in the process of disassembling his sniper rifle. L could wait the 60 seconds. He tucks the notebook at the top of his pants where it lies next to his stomach. His sweatshirt covers it and he folds his legs to himself tightly, circling his arms around to reinforce the temporary shield. He puts his chin on his bent knees for good measures. Somehow, he has an ominous feeling that he'll lose Raito if he is allowed to make contact with the notebook.
"Ryuuzaki, this is not a game." Raito attempts to reach for the notebook without appearing to be molesting L.
"Patience is a virtue, Raito-kun." L's mood is dark, so is his voice. "I will stop guarding it when the appropriate time arrives."
"You know I'm not exactly virtuous when I am determined to get what I want. Give it!" Raito has to attack from the sides. L's legs and feet are formidable weapons, hard lessons learned from their intense fighting sessions. He stands behind L's seat and bends to grip at the sides of his waist. He could feel the rectangular outline of the notebook through the clothing as his fingers search deeper. L refuses to budge and he prepares to raise his head to knock Raito square in the face.
"Ryuuzaki, Higuchi is under official arrest and is being escorted to the police headquarters." Watari has appeared magically next to Raito. The old man still wears his sniper's outfit. It would be unsettling if he had already changed into his normal clothing in such a brief moment.
Raito blushes and steps back, mouth agape and about to explain the situation when words fail him. Watari holds open a briefcase made with a waxed burgundy leather exterior. He appears nonchalant, as if it were an everyday occurrence to witness two males frolicking in a helicopter. L has two fingers at each upper corner of the notebook when he brings it forth to drop it inside. The lid is shut with an audible click. To access the briefcase, two sets of combination code are required.
Fuming in frustration, Raito stares venomously at the top of L's skull. Even with all the commotion of capturing Kira, the detective is still wary of him. All he wanted was merely to take a look. Is that a crime? He doesn't claim ownership to the notebook. What harm did L see in that? Then it dawns on him that L holds onto his ridiculous theory of the ability transfer of Kira's powers.
L hops off the pilot's seat and mumbles he needs to get off the helicopter for a while. His slouch is worse than usual.
"What's the matter?" Raito hasn't noticed anything out of place. If L could pilot the helicopter, surely motion sickness should be a far away possibility.
"The vibrations. They are aggravating my conditions." L shifts uncomfortably as he shoves his feet into his only pair of shoes, not bothering to tie up the shoelaces.
"You could trip and break your neck. What a pathetic end to the great detective." Raito kneels to tie the loose shoelaces. When done, he tugs smartly on the legs of L's pants to confirm his thoughts. The pair of pants stretches tight across a bulge up above. Confirmed.
"That was unnecessary." L has an interesting way to express gratitude. Or was that a reprimand for pulling on his pants?
"I expect to get unchained today. Kira has been caught." Raito glances at the line of vehicles disappearing into the night.
"In that case, some celebrations would be in order. I look forward to tonight."
A thrill of anticipation travels through Raito. It's a celebration party, isn't it? Or did he mean something else? Then a wave of sorrow crushes him. It's finally over, isn't it?
Note: -prepared to dodge tomatoes and rotten eggs- Thanks for reading this far. This chapter's not as good as I'd hoped it should be. But at least, I'm moving things forward. It's summer. I can't think. I hope to shorten my lapses in between chapters. Not many left. According to the manga timeline, it's a week before you-know-what happens. I'm nasty for even mentioning it here. I know my faults lie in being confusing. If you ever find anything confusing, ask me.
-M.H., 070707
