A/N I apologize that I failed to update last week, I was in a very un-update oriented mood last week.

Thanks to all Reviewers!

Dedication: to ariex 04 for her lovely review.

Disclaimer: I own nada.

September Edition

Key:

Bold- Sirius
Italicized- Remus
Underlined - Peter
Regular- James

Bold/Italicized – Brevis

Bold/Underline-Marcas

Italics/Underline-Marlene

Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie

Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).

Here we are at the start of a new school year-

Not just any school year! It is the school year to end all school years!

Must you insist on starting off every year's edition of the Magazine by interrupting me?

Well, now that you mention it: yes.

Do you enjoy having your own hair?

What does that have to do with anything? And stay away from me with those scissors!

What scissors?

The ones you're hiding in a completely obvious fashion behind your back, while your eye twitches and you contemplate ripping out my eyeballs and cooking my entrails.

It's actually roasting your eyeballs, and severing your entrails.

Which is comforting I'm sure.

Did he just utilize sarcasm in a semi-effective manner?

No way, it had to be a hallucination.

See side-bars like this are why nothing ever gets done around here. We can't even begin the introduction to the final year's set of magazines without launching off into a million different tangents.

You started it.

You want to repeat that?

Remus, I'm going to have to request that you stop brandishing those scissors threatening in Sirius' general direction, it causes him severe mental trauma and puts him off his game for Quidditch, and in this, James Potter's Seventh and Final Year at Hogwarts I demand extreme focus and attention from my team!

Does anyone else find it disturbing that he refers to himself intermittently in third person?

Regardless, the real fault with his statement is the claim 'final year at Hogwarts.' If he spends all his time focusing on Qudditch like I know he will it a rather tenuous notion to believe he will actually graduate.

I will so graduate! Although if I didn't pass I could be the longest Quidditch captain in history…

Merlin, he's actually considering it…

Well, you are always telling me and Sirius to weigh the costs and benefits of our decisions…

I loathe you.

As much as it pains me to do this, and really it truly does, because it goes against my most strongly held notions, but don't we have a point we should be getting to somewhere?

Did he actually suggest we stay focused on a task?

We must be hallucinating. Why don't you come over here so I can punch you and see?

Generally, I believe you're supposed to pinch yourself, not punch other people in such scenarios.

Has anyone ever told you that you suffer from disturbingly violent tendencies?

Yes. Your point being?

That you suffer from disturbingly violent tendencies. Didn't I just say that?

I do believe that you did.

Oi, we have a prank to be getting on with! And you people say I can't focus on anything?

I really do believe something strange is going on here. Does the prank this month have to do with abrupt personality switching spells?

No. But that does sound like a brilliant idea, we should really try that.

Alright, we have a lot of important stuff to get to this issue, so we had better just tell them the prank! Take note however, this is just a completely RANDOM suggestion if you happen to notice this occurring within the next few days we are INNOCENT, INNOCENT, I TELL YOU!

It appears that your skill at subtlety has increased by leaps and bounds in the past few months, Prongs.

I'm glad you think so, Moony, because I've really been working on it-

I honestly cannot believe that you believe that I believe that you are subtle.

Uh, what?

I believe he said that he cannot believe that James believes that he believes that James is subtle.

That makes no sense, at all.

For once he actually made sense: He said that he believes that I cannot believe that you believe that I believe that you are subtle.

Can you run through that one more time…?

No.

He was being sarcastic. I think.

When he said he wouldn't run it by us again? Because wouldn't that then mean that his no was actually a yes and that he will run it by us again?

I am surrounded by idiots.

No, he was being sarcastic when he said that he thought James had gotten more subtle. I believe.

Oh, no, not more believing! Anything but the believing!

I really don't get paid enough for this.

You don't get paid at all for this.

This wouldn't happen if you would just hold up that sign we talked about-

I am going to throttle you until you turn purple, and your eyes bulge out and then just when the tiny pockets of air in your lungs are just about to explode I'm going to let go and allow you to have a few moments of precious, precious oxygen and then I will reach down your throat and pull out your larynx so that you can never, ever speak again, and then I will laugh, oh how I will laugh, and there will be cackling, and perhaps even gleeful exclamations.

What did I say about scarring my Quidditch players for life, Remus?

You requested that I refrain from doing so. However, I have a far more important question for you, James, how did I respond to your request?

Well…you laughed in my face and said something about waking Marlene up at six a.m. on a Saturday and then laughing manically while holding coffee out of her very tired, very short reach…

Exactly.

You know we've written close to a thousand words already and there is still no prank? People are going to begin to talk! They'll say we're washed up! Losing our edge, you know?

PERISH THE THOUGHT!

It does appear that your beater has quite recovered from his earlier semi-comatose state hiding in the corner clutching a stuffed toy.

Shut up, Remus, you're going to ruin by suave and debonair reputation with the ladies.

I think we are witnessing a first-hand demonstration of someone actually dying from laughter.

I don't see what was so funny. He must not actually be laughing! I've got it; he's collapsed in a fit of awe over how suave and debonair I am!

That's –gasp- exactly –guffaw- it. I can't –chuckle- believe you actually –snicker- figured it out.

Well, I am practically a genius after all.

I can't even believe this.

Not again with the believing. Let's make a solemn vow right now never to ever, ever, use that word, ever again!

Are there un-solemn vows then? And if so what makes a vow un-solemn?

When it's the opposite of solemn of course! Geez, Pete, you're so slow sometimes.

Sometimes, (read: ninety percent of the time) when I'm with you guys I wonder why I ever come out of the library.

We have a library?

I think it's that place with all those really heavy objects we like to drop on unsuspecting Slytherins from several floors up.

Ah, the armory. I do love the armory.

Are you three serious?

No, only one of us is Sirius.

And that is ME!

I hate my life.

That's the spirit, Remus!

I'll show you spirit.

Is it going to be the kind of good Quidditch team supporting spirit?

No. It's going to be the malevolent sacrifice you to the giant squid spirit.

I was afraid of that.

This is the point where I oh-so-subtly (note the subtlety!) redirect the conversation in a completely non-transparent attempt to stop Remus from killing us all and feeding us to the giant squid. THUS, This week's prank is the following: When a new school year begins we, the Marauders, are seized by an er, quite innocent, inclination to uh, welcome the new first years to the school.

Haven't you ever heard of picking on someone your own size?

That's why I am just devising the plan and then allowing Marlene to carry it out.

Oi, I am not the size of a first year!

…keep telling yourself that.

I guess if I'm like a first year I can't play Quidditch…

Did I call you short? I mean you're erm, tall! So tall!

How is it she managed to show up just as Sirius implied she was short?

My short senses were tingling!

Did I do something to offend the universe to wind up trapped in this eternal torment?

There he goes being a negative Ned again.

Aren't we supposed to be relating the prank? I really think that this is probably the most unfocused we've ever been…and that's saying something.

The prank? Oh, yes, that! Anyway, the prank is a multi-step plan, Step One: have the luggage of each first year student sent to a person from a different house (this is mainly just for kicks), Step Two: capture first years-

They aren't animals you can't just pen them up.

Well. Actually you can pen them up, I know, I've tried.

He's got you there, Remus!

Honestly, why do I even bother.

Step Three: separate them, lock Gryffindors and Slytherins in rooms together, Step Four: take bets on which ones will emerge alive. Step Five: Force Ravenclaws to watch books being burned in front of them while they are bound with a Perfictus Tortolas spell. Step Six: Hufflepuffs injure themselves so you really just have to leave them alone in a room and they'll take each other out.

Lovely.

I rather thought so.

Just give the disclaimer.

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.' Also, an addendum for this week, despite Sirius Black's mentions of setting Marlene McKinnon on the first years she is not in any way involved in this prank, and does not condone any of the above described.

And now onward and upward to brightening up the sad and pathetic lives of the general Hogwarts Populace with ADVICE FROM THE MARAUDER'S!

Dear Mauraders,

I am a Ravenclaw who has her eyes on two Gryffindors. I see one of these Gryffindors in the library all the time. I have been hesitant to talk to this Gryffindor because I have had bad luck with relationships and I really want to say something. The other one is a nice man named Sirius. Can you please set one of them on a blind date with me in the room of requirement. The other Gryffindors name is Remus Lupin. (I'd prefer him. Tell Sirius I think that Lupin needs someone to help him calm down and not shave Sirius' head)

Love,

InNeedOfRomance

(the above letter is credited to Mistress of Magic22)

Sirius, shouldn't you be saying something arrogant about how you are the best choice right about now?

Huh? I was busy staring at-er, admiring, uh, no, I mean, uh talking to, yeah talking to, that's definitely it, Marlene. What are we talking about?

You are among the most ridiculously unsubtle people I have ever met.

What are you talking about?

Just read the letter, you can read can't you?

Obviously.

While he's doing that I'll answer the question for now, shall I?

Dear InNeedofRomance,

Remus doesn't date…ever. True fact. The only girl he spends any time with (excluding my Lilyflower, and Marlene) is Dorcas Meadows which doesn't even count because they are always shut up in the library (which I only recently learned our school has,) studying and other weird stuff like that. I'm beginning to be worried that Remus is asexual, it seems to be a distinct possibility at this point.

Would you like to see your precious broom grow acquainted with the Whomping Willow?

Not particularly, no.

Then kindly cease speaking.

You know Remus threats like that are why InNeedofRomance wants to date you in an attempt to cure your inner rage.

I HAVE NO RAGE!

Of course not.

Don't patronize me, Sirius Orion Black.

Ooh, middle name!

Shut up, Prongs.

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Aren't we supposed to have a point of some kind somewhere in here?

Well in general I suppose having a point would be nice, but I don't see how it's required.

I thought when you write an advice column you had to give advice thus necessitating, like a point? I could be wrong though…

We have a point, I'm sure of it…

Of course there's a point, James, it's uh, uh, I've got it: Remus dates no one, so you should really choose someone else.

Well then I guess that leaves you.

What are you talking about, Peter?

She said that you're her second crush, so if she can't date Remus logic would dictate-

It always weirds me out when he uses big words like that.

It's called expanding your horizons, James. You should really try it.

Really? We always thought it arose from prolonged exposure to you, and could only be cured by hours of mindless pranking.

What did I do to deserve this?

Well, are you going to date her?

Date who?

In Need of Romance.

Nah, she sounds too bookish. I prefer the prankster type-

Let me guess, your ideal girlfriend would prank, be smart but not too smart, a Gryffindor, likes Quidditch, loud, enjoy coffee…

That sounds about right, yep.

Do you think he realizes that you just described…?

No.

Who? What?

Never mind, let's move on shall we, we do after all have other people to help.

I want to know!

Never mind, Padfoot.

I will not be ignored!

Moony: Causing an epidemic of misery is quite awesome.

Wormy: Oops. I think the second to left bed is Pads' right?

Padfoot: If you said that, you lost too.

Prongs: First off, ask her off to Hogsmeade without ruffling your hair. And use her first name this time.

(the above letter is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)

I can't believe you guys just ignored me like that and went on to the next question.

Really?

Isn't that what I just said?

They do kind of ignore what you say a lot of the time for it to still be shocking to you.

Are you guys abusing poor Siri again?

My point exactly, James.

I never said you were wrong.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

Hello, Marlene, I see you've decided to join us.

Yeah. Dorca told me she needs to study and said for me to stop bothering her and go bother someone else, she can be so hurtful sometimes, sniffle, sob, sob.

Studying? Already?

I know.

I had better go join her soon. We need to wrap things up!

Sheesh, Moony, you're in such a rush to go studying with Dorcas? The two of you really need to tone it down, the school year only just started.

N.E.W.T.S. are this YEAR James. How can we simply stand around when the biggest assessments of our lives are around the corner?

Only to you is over half a year away around the corner.

Well and Dorca apparently.

Alas, my dear Mars, you and I will simply have to persevere despite the strange, obsessive study habits of our friends!

We shall forge bravely onward despite our abandonment issues, as a result of their seeking out the library (incidentally, did you know we had one of those?)

We only just found out.

Apparently, the library is the same place as the armory.

Ah.

I am surrounded by idiots.

That's the spirit!

Don't we have a letter to be answering? Is it just me or have we been really off focus this issue?

We always seem to off-focus at the beginning of the year.

True, I guess.

Alright, let's just answer the questions then, shall we? My response: An epidemic of misery is never something to be desired; in fact it should be avoided at all costs. Especially when it is my misery under consideration.

He's the second bed on the left as you come in, like if you're facing into the room from the door.

TRAITOR! How could you sell me out like that, Peter?

He asked.

How can you betray the Marauders Code like that? I feel so betrayed!

Er, sorry?

You should be. Anyway, Evil Spoinkle Attempted Killer-I cannot lose the game. Only you can lose the game, you loser who has just lost the game! Bw. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Should I use her first name as in just Lily? Or is calling her Lilyflower acceptable? Or how about 'my dearest love, Lily? Or my future bride, Lily? These are key, very important questions, please respond as soon as possible.

You need serious help.

I agree! He does need my help! I, Sirius Black, will induct him into the Sirius Black School of Love (1).

This cannot end well.

Yes! I will accept any and all help that could possibly help me with my Lilyflower!

Which is perhaps not the wisest course of action.

Eh. We'll see. Now, don't we have other stuff to be getting to?

It is now time for a word from our sponsors:

To all seventh year! Do you want O's on your NEWTs? Then meet me at the seventh floor right corridor for some very valuable items, memory-boosters! 5 Galleons a shot!

(The above ad is credited to ElementUchihaMaster)

I think it's absolutely despicable that people prey on susceptible students like that, those drugs almost never work and are harmful besides, there are no shortcuts to achieving high test scores! You must simply study, study, study.

I've been dreading this day for years.

What day?

The day we became seventh years and Moony stared freaking out about N.E.W.T.S.

You just need to learn to grin and bear it. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, etc.

You're just a regular fortune cookie today, aren't you?

You know what is much better than a fortune cookie? A magical fortune cookie.

Magical fortune cookie?

Yeah, they show you visions of the fortune coming true, it's pretty awesome.

Cool, I want one.

Anyway, that is all for this Word from Our Sponsors, it' snow time to get on with our feature for this issue.

A New School Year: Puzzling Puzzles, Predictions, Proposals! By James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew.

Mystery Number One: Why is James Head Boy? Humongous Bighead I can see, Head Boy not so much.

I wondered that myself, until I realized that Dumbledore clearly believes that Lily and I are 'Meant To Be' thus he appointed me Head Boy in order to insure that we can be together always.

I'm sure that's it.

I'm glad that you also realize that Lily and I are 'Meant to Be'

Why must he always say it capitalized?

Because we are Meant To Be.

That makes perfect sense.

Really?

No.

What did we say about hurting with our words, Remus?

I can't recall, I remember that at the time I was busy hurting Sirius with my wand at the time.

What did we say about hurting with our wands, Remus?

I can't recall I was busy strangling Peter at the time.

What did we say about hurting with our fists, Remus?

I can't recall, I seem to recall I was busy verbally destroying James' dreams of dating Lily at the time.

You really need to get some anger management therapy.

Don't make me hurt you James.

Let's just discuss Mystery Number Two, shall we?

Mystery Number Two: Why does Remus like the armory (aka library) so much?

You're attempting to dispel his anger by bringing up another topic guaranteed to make him angry?

That does pretty much sum it up.

CONTINUING ON, if it were anyone else I would think he was having some kind of secret relationship with some girl, but it's Remus, and the only person he ever studies with is Dorcas and we both know that the two of them do nothing except study. Study, and study some more.

I sometimes wonder if you have a death wish.

Eh. I like to live life on the edge.

It is now time for Prediction Number One.

Prediction Number One: The Gryffindor Quidditch Team will win the Championship Cup! Again!

Aren't you afraid you just jinxed it?

No, I am not, because I have an Anti-Jinx Insurance Policy.

There's a sucker born every minute.

Prediction Number Two: At least one teacher will have a nervous breakdown and quit, my money is on our Muggle Studies professors, what's her face (2).

I sort of feel bad that we still don't know her name all the way in seventh year.

I dunno, I personally think that it might be Slughorn he practically cried when he found out Remus was continuing with Potions for another year.

He did cry.

Did not, we've been over this before; he was simply overcome, as I told you before.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Prediction Number Three: Lily Evans Will Go Out with Me!

No comment.

Ditto.

I reserve the right to remain silent.

Which brings me to Proposal Number One: Lily Evans, will you marry me?

She said she won't go out with you and you think she's suddenly going to decide to marry you?

I live in hope!

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Anyway, this concludes September's issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine!

Until Next time…

This has been Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!

A/N Review! Update next Tuesday!

I think the Sirius Black School of Love would make a great one-shot, and I should really write it at some point. Would you guys like to read it? If so, I may actually get around to writing it, lol. :p

The Muggle Studies Professor who they do not know the name of can be seen in the story co-authored by do i need a pen name and myself under the penname SiRiUsLyPiNkAnDgReEn

For those of you who read my other stories and are awaiting updates, I will probably update many of them tommorow because I will be spending most of the day sitting in a hospital waiting room with nothing else to do.