Before chapter 12 begins homage to the fallen spy - by Autumn Moon Fae:
Once there was a brave, noble SHIELD director
Who valiantly tried to give Tony Stark a lecture
It didn't end well
Thor sat on his skull
And his eye patch and sanity suffered many a fracture.
Bravo my friend bravo – we are inspired.
A/N: I know it has been a while since my last update – but I am still alive and I haven't abandoned you all! (Yet…) DON'T KILL ME I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE MOBBED TO DEATH!
RECOMMENDED: Reread last chapter for context. ACADEMY AWARDS BABY!
Chapter 12
Day 32: How to crash a party
Bruce was sitting on the couch quietly reading the newspaper – he only got through the first couple paragraphs before he angrily chucked the thing across the room.
NEW YORK TIMES: WHERE HAS THE LOVE INTEREST OF MR. HULK GONE?
"Can these people not get a life?" Bruce huffed.
BANG!
He looked up at the door that had suddenly swung open and slammed into the wall beside it. Unsurprisingly Tony Stark waltzed into the room with the air of something Bruce did not want to get involved with. Tony looked ready to stir some chaos – with apparently some formal style.
"Why are you wearing a tux?" Bruce asked suspiciously.
"I like tuxedos - tuxedos are cool, they make me feel fancy," Tony said as he flicked his collar up with a mischievous grin. Bruce stared at him point blank.
"How much of that statement is utter bullshit?" Bruce asked plainly. Tony shrugged.
"The real question is how much are you willing to know my curious clothing challenged friend?" Tony said wagging his eyebrows at the wary doctor. Bruce scowled at the jab but ignored it either way.
"Depends...are you going to blow anything up James bond style?" he asked.
"Not likely..."
"In the tower?"
"Nope not today,"
"Will your shenanigans maim, kill, explode, castrate, tazzer, poison, hypnotize, scar, boil, lick, spontaneously combust, tickle, drug, sting, blind or god forbidden convert crazy Americans to the fake religion of superheroism?" Bruce asked with a straight face.
Tony blinked. He did not see that one coming.
"Ah...What you do not see will not be your problem?" Tony said evasively. Bruce thought about it for a second and then shrugged.
"Eh I'll take it - see ya later Tony," he said as he walked away from the very confused genius. That went well.
"Nice to have your blessings buddy," Tony said dryly.
"Try not to come back in a match box," Bruce called out over his shoulder. Tony froze.
"WE PROMISED NOT TO SPEAK OF THAT INCIDENT!" Tony exclaimed.
"You're the one who angered a kingdom of fire giants ya Looney," Bruce replied before he walked out of the room. Tony stared after him with his mouth hanging open.
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the weirdest of them all...cause that dude has got some serious weirdness going for him all on his own..." Tony mused as he picked up his set of a hundred keys.
"JARVIS! Ready the jet - we got a party to crash. And god damn it we need to name these things! They all look the same!" Tony said irritably searching for the right jet starter key - he had 37 of those.
Damn his genius was even too much for him sometimes. At least he still looked good. Yeah.
30 minutes later.
There was an unidentified blob attached to the side of one of the most heavily guarded buildings in Los Angeles. The compound was designed so that no one would be able to break in through any of the many heavily secured entrances. However no one really designed the building to keep out genius billionaires who have enough cash lying around to afford his own private jet with a cloaking device - the blueprints for which were possibly stolen from a super-secret intelligence agency said billionaire may terrorize every once in a while.
He has no conscience – but he's got the next best thing.
"Sir why are you scaling the wall beside Sir Johnny Depp's dressing room?" the robotic voice of JARVIS vibrated across the earplugs stuck in a genius' ear.
"JARVIS I created you to be smarter than that," Tony said as he hooked himself onto a wire and started walking down the side of the building surrounded by pitch darkness.
"I had to ask for record purposes," JARVIS replied.
"Records of what?" Tony asked in confusion.
"The number of times you did not heed my advice and ended up scorched, arrested, kidnapped, gagged, drugged, exiled or in this case received a restraining order," JARVIS answered in his toneless robotic voice. Tony paused in his descent and stared at the wall in front of him in utter disbelief.
"Sometimes you remind me of Brucie JARVIS – it's scary don't do that!" Tony said with a shudder.
"I shall try not to sir, however if I may say, hypothetically speaking if artificial intelligence systems could bet in their spare time while their masters are off doing ridiculous human behaviors in a backwater data space that doesn't technically exist on the far corners of the internet - I may have voted that this endeavor of yours will not end well," JARVIS said sounding as sheepish as a piece of technology could.
"What! How could you not have any faith- wait did you just say you bet with other AL's in a weird underworld tech scene?" Tony asked incredulously.
"You're about to practically assault one of the most famous men in the world," JARVIS stated skillfully avoiding the question. Tony gaped at him.
"Do you know how much his hair is worth on eBay?" Tony asked. Well that was a stupid question to ask - JARVIS pwns the internet at virtual pool every Saturday. JARVIS has all the internet secrets.
"You're a billionaire Sir..."
"It's called bragging rights JARVIS! Bragging rights!" Tony said waving his arms around to emphasize his point and nearly falling to his death.
"How are you going to get out without having your face identified?" Jarvis asked his lost cause of a master.
"I got a plan don't worry," Tony said patting his pocket that made a crumpling sound. That didn't sound very reassuring.
"Al's do not worry - we just predict accurate percentages of failure and success," JARVIS said as Tony continued his descent as he got closer and closer to his target window.
"Are you trying to implying something you piece of hardware?" Tony asked.
"Would you like to hear the numbers Sir?" JARVIS asked simply. Tony cringed.
"Not quite right now," he replied reluctantly. If robots could snort...
"Now which one…aha!" Tony said as he identified the blacked out window that he was going to skillfully break in to without a sound. He whipped out his silent laser pen and started melting through the reinforced glass.
10 minutes later. He was only half way through his massive Tony sized circle.
"How long is this supposed to take JARVIS?" Tony groaned – his arm was about to turn into a noodle.
BEEP.
"This is a recorded message: My apologies Sir but I am currently unavailable from 8:00 to 8:20 possibly longer depending on how things go. I shall be back right after I recharge from my break," the pre-recorded voice of JARVIS replied. Tony gaped.
"What the heck? Computers don't take coffee breaks!" Especially not when they are supposed to be backup in important missions!" Tony said in disbelief.
"P.S: good luck on your mission and I'll see you at HQ with the proper bail money for transaction," the recorded message added.
BEEP. Tony banged his head against the half cut through window.
"These people seriously need to learn the art of subtlety," Tony grumbled as he continued his laser cutting marathon. He glanced down at the edge of the window and realized that the latch was unlocked.
Cricket…cricket…cricket…
"No one shall ever know I pulled a Thor moment," Tony grumbled as he stuffed his fancy inefficient laser into his pocket and slowly unhooked himself from the wire before swinging himself into the unlocked window. He missed the ledge and with all the grace of an elephant fell flat on his face behind a couch.
CRASH!
Depp woke from the sudden noise and looked around sleepily.
"Wah? Was that an explosion?" he asked bewilderedly. Suddenly Tony jumped up from behind the couch snapped a few strands off the crazy mob of celebrity hair and ran out of the room cackling like a maniac.
"Ha! Take that you betting piece of junk! There goes whatever you programs use as betting stuff down the drain sucker!" Tony shouted defiantly.
Depp stared after the crazy man in disbelief.
"What just happened?" he asked slowly.
"Sir are you okay?" a security guard asked as he rushed into the room. Depp nodded slowly.
"Confirm one thing for me mate - did that man just run down the hall with a pair of scissors, a lock of me hair and a paper bag on his head?" Depp asked blankly. The security guard glanced down the hall and stared at the exact description of the man Depp was describing.
"Ah...that is correct…" the guard said slowly. The only thing was that the paper bag masked trespasser seemed to be making a sharp 180 degree turn and rushed back the way he came.
"INTRUDER!" someone shouted from around the corner. Tony dashed right past Depp and his security guard – their mouths hit the floor when they saw the happy face drawn on the paper bag that was not there a moment ago.
"HALT!" the security guard shouted as he broke out of his shock and ran after the intruder. The happy faced paper bag whipped its head back to see the guard and started running even faster.
"Evasive maneuver!" Tony shouted as he dived out another window and into a bush one story below. He rolled out of the tall vegetation, sprinted across the yard, hopped the fence and ran down the street.
"You'll never catch me I'm the paper bag man!" Tony cackled as his parting words.
The mob of guards ran up to the second story window and stared after the fleeing felon in disbelief. Someone turned around and shut off the alarm system.
"You know what fellas? I think I know that masked vigilante..." Depp said curiously.
"You don't mean it's Spiderman do you?" one of the guards asked incredulously.
"Nah Peter has more important things to do - it was probably Joker," Depp said nodding his head.
"Yeah he didn't seem like he had his screws screwed in properly that one," one of the wary guard said.
"You means he's missing some vital screws altogether," another guard added dryly.
"Well time to get Mr. Depp to the Awards without any more incidents - let's go," the head guard said ushering them all back down the hall.
Another 30 minutes later.
"…and the best actor award goes to…Mr. Robert Downey Jr!" the host said holding up his Q card. The audience exploded in applause. A man danced up on stage that looked strikingly like the well-known actor – the only thing off about him was that he had a piece of brown paper stuck to his hair. "Robert" accepted his award from the host and gave a big bow.
"Thank you! Thank you! I'd like to thank my dog, my computer, my cellphone, possibly the internet and my wife Su...san? Is that what that says?" he asked showing his messy handwriting to the host.
"I don't know it kind of looks like sausage..." the host said as he squinted while looking at the scribbles written across the recipient's hand.
"Does that say 'steal dry cleaning'?" the host asked incredulously. Tony quickly took his hand back and spat on it to destroy the evidence.
"No of course not!" he said shiftily looking around the stage. Suddenly the door to the back of the room burst open and a hogtied man fell through the entrance. Every single overpriced hairdo whipped their head around to stare at the angry looking man clad solely in his underwear. The severely under dressed man ripped the gag out of his mouth and sent Stark a murderous glare.
"What the hell are you doing you imposter? That's my award!" the man who looked scarily familiar to the man on the stage hollered across the room. Tony gulped. Robert was in the house.
"I don't know what you are talking about man who looks just like me sans my beautiful goatee," Tony said as he started inching towards the edge of the stage.
"You stole my clothes!" Downey shouted indignantly.
"Well...well you stole my face!" Tony shot back childishly.
"Wait if that's Robert Downey Jr...then who are you?" The host asked in confusion. The sweat broke out across Tony's forehead as the entire audience stared at him.
Time to retreat.
"Ha ha...um...gotta go!" Tony said as he quickly bowed and dived into the crowd. He fell face first into the flowery dress of a beautiful supermodel. The women around him gasped as he shot up with a head full of flower petals and dashed towards the exit on his right.
"Is he one of those stunt doubles or something?" a certain airhead date asked in confusion. Tony nearly tripped over his feet as he whipped around and sent the lady a look of utter disbelief.
"You people are so blind! Ugh! Must I always do this to identify myself?" Tony huffed as he paused in his dramatic escape and ripped open his shirt superman style to reveal his arc reactor.
Le GASP.
"Oh my gosh it's Iron Man!" the exact same airhead shrieked. Tony rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah Blondie it is I the wonderful, magnificent, dastardly handsome, famous worldwide self-made superhero in the flesh and tech – you will remember this night as-" Tony's brilliant speech was cut short by a single sound.
Click.
"Arrested," a police officer said standing beside the monolouging imposter.
"Man I need to make my escape speeches shorter," Tony said staring at the handcuffs attached to his wrists.
Day 33: The return of the beady eyes
"Stark's in jail," Clint said walking into Avengers common room and joining his other teammates around the coffee table. Thor and Bruce were (trying) to play cards while Natasha and Steve were flipping through some mission files.
"Am I supposed to be surprised?" Steve asked dryly glancing up at the equally unsurprised archer.
"Not really. He tried to pass himself off as Robert Downey Jr. at the Academy Awards. Even tried to accept his award," Clint said with an eye roll.
"No way! Robert Downey Jr. and Tony look nothing alike!" Bruce said in horror, forgetting about his game – he was winning anyway.
"Well actually if you kind of squint a bit..." Clint started off.
"NOOOO! Downey brought Sherlock Holmes to life on the big screen! Why does Tony always have to ruin all my favourite stories?" Bruce wailed.
Cricket...cricket...cricket...
"Bruce...how many fandoms do you follow?" Clint asked warily.
"Don't judge my hobbies you pony collectors!" Bruce shouted as he went bright red.
"A lot is my guess," Natasha said watching the doctor go redder and redder.
"Next thing you know we'll find a massive collection of those geeky comic books under his bed," Clint added for the hell of it.
All the Avengers shared an instant telepathic link for a total of 5 seconds.
Ding. They had an idea.
"To the Doctor's lair!" Clint declared sprinting off towards Bruce's bedroom with the owner himself not far behind.
"NOO! Don't go into my sanctuary! THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY!" Bruce screamed hysterically.
"Thor stop him!" Natasha shouted as she ran after them. Thor promptly picked up the screeching Doctor and threw him over his shoulder.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Bruce shouted in horror frantically waving his arms. Natasha whipped out a tranquilizer just in case.
"Don't make me use it Doctor!" she warned. He looked at the daunting needle and back at his door. He started struggling even more.
"I can still take you all out before the sedative takes effect!" he yelled. They all stared at the usually very calm doctor weirdly.
"Okay now we're beyond curious – onward!" Clint shouted as he shoved open Bruce's door and they all filed in. He got on his knees and peeked under the bed – nothing. That was strange.
They all stared at the only place left to look. Bruce paled.
"To the closest!" Clint declared as he turned towards the large double door beside the washroom.
"Wait! No! No! No! No- oh crap," Bruce said dropping his head over Thor's massive shoulder in defeat. Clint tugged open the massive doors and the evil grin on his face promptly turned into a look of horror.
A thousand pair of beady little eyes stared back at the archer who was suddenly pale as a ghost.
"Hello bug-eyed Blondie! Did you miss us?"
Clint spun around and ran for his life.
"WHY THE HECK DO YOU HAVE THE TIKI ARMY IN YOUR CLOSET BRUCE?" Clint screeched as he ran across the common room with a mob of hysterically laughing tiki dolls hot on his heels.
"TIKI! TIKI! TIKI! TIKI!" was the creepy tikis' response as they marched after the frantically fleeing master assassin.
"Oh yes...I forgot we put them in your closet Bruce. I shall need to send them back to Asgard eventually," Thor said sheepishly. Natasha and Steve shared a disturbed look. They glanced back into the closet and watched with wary curiosity as the tiniest tiki doll they've ever seen poke it's head around the edge of the door. It was about 3 inches tall and it had bubble gum pink hair with a little purple hula skirt.
"Aww...that one is actually pretty cute," Steve said in surprise. Natasha gave the little thing a dirty look - she didn't trust cute things - not one bit.
"Master...?" the baby tiki doll shuffled over the manhandled Doctor and looked up at him with the biggest pink button eyes they had ever seen.
"Can I eat the Blondie?" it asked in a cute little voice. Natasha and Steve promptly took one gigantic step away from the closet.
"No tiki Joe - you can't eat my friends! Go back to your corner!" Bruce said in a no nonsense manner pointing a firm finger towards the closet. Little baby tiki Joe hung his head in shame as he dragged his feet and waddled his way back into the little dark room.
"I take it back! Oh boy do I take my comment back..." Steve said as he inched towards the door.
"There is an army of tiki dolls out there probably mobbing Barton as we speak and only one of them in the closet," Natasha pointed out dryly to the cowardly Captain. He froze with his hand on the doorknob.
They all peeked through the crack of the door and gasped.
"Accept our offering oh great Tiki gods! We give Blondie as our sacrifice!" the largest tiki with the grass hat said sitting on its knees as it stared up at the ceiling.
Barton was effectively gagged and tied to a stick being rotated around a little fire the tikis had started in the middle of the room. Several of them were fanning the flames with their hats as the rest of the hundreds of tikis crowded around in a circle chanting their tiki rituals.
"Tiki walrus tiki goo! Tiki wanna make you stew! Tiki hula hula left! Tiki hula hula right! Tiki fire! Tiki water! Tiki make you want to spit higher! Ooooooom!" they all chanted in unison.
One of the elderly tikis dragged out a little stick and gong to the center of the room. He stuck a pair of earplugs in his tiki ears and picked up of the stick. Everyone respectfully fell silent. He held the stick above his head before he lightly tapped it against the golden gong.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON G!
The entire building shook with the strong vibrations of the little gong.
"TIIIIIIKIIIIIIIII!" They all cheered in one massive uproar.
"I have never seen something creepier in my entire life," Steve said staring at the insanity that was before him. Natasha took out her gun and loaded a full round into the bottom. Click.
"Alright you little bastards! Either you release my husband from his bonds or I'll shoot this little guy right here!" She shouted as she picked up a kicking and screaming tiki doll by their electric blue hair.
"Hey busty! I'm a girl!" the tiki doll in her hand huffed. Natasha simply brought her gun closer to the tiki's head.
"Mommy!" it wailed.
The tiki doll with the grass hat climbed onto the shoulders of 10 other tikis and stared the cold Russian spy right in the eye. It was as threatening as they were going to get.
"You want to mess with us?" he asked narrowing his eyes. She stared back at him with a bored expression and promptly tapped the middle tiki in the ladder of tikis and watched them loose their balance and tumbled to the floor.
"Oh you asked for it strawberry – we're going to rumble now!" the grass hat tiki said in outrage.
"How many shots do you think I could get out before you took me down?" she asked blankly as she pulled out a second hand gun and flicked the safety off. They all stared at the shiny black object warily.
"You'll never win!" the mass of tikis around her squeaked.
"And why is that?" she asked dryly.
"Because we bribed a barrel colony with a life supply of Asgardian bananas!" one of the baby tikis shouted out.
"A barrel colony of what?" Thor asked in confusion. The colour drained from all the faces of the rest of the Avengers. Poor Clint was about to burst into tears – or be barbequed – whichever came first.
They all froze as they heard the rumbling sound rush down the hall behind them. They all spun around and stared at the army of monkeys rushing at them from a hidden source in the wall.
"WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE MONKEYS?" Clint shouted before they were effectively swarmed.
4 hours later.
Tony Stark dragged his sore body that had been mobbed by hundreds of people for all the wrong reasons through the Avenger common room door and nearly collapsed onto the carpet right then and there – until he saw the chaos that lay in front of him.
"I go to jail for 3 hours! Not even a whole night! And you already had a party without me?" Tony asked as he stared at the common room trashed with food and garbage all over the place. He paused in his rant when his loud statement was met with silence. He glanced around in confusion.
"Um…where did everyone go?" he asked slowly. He followed the trail of garbage into Bruce's closet and gaped when he found his entire team gagged, bound and unconscious lying on the closet floor.
"Oh it was that kind of party..." Tony said slowly closing the door. Well...everyone was entitled to their own brand of kinkiness.
Madness Madness madness madness madness
A/N: AUTHORS LIVES! I am however drowning in homework and will be updating sporadically. But the good thing is that short stories means you don't need to remember what happened to the last chapter (usually). ISN'T THAT AWESOME? Though if you forget the little references I make to the past stories I fear for your memory XD
REVIEWS KEEP THE FLAME ALIVE LOVELY READERS!
Until next time :)
