A/N: Thank the stars for this update which was much faster than the last one.
The fic that I'm riffing today is nightdragon0's short, "Sir Sceptile and the Charizard". It hasn't been uploaded on FFNet yet (I think) and was written specially for MST3002. Thanks a bunch, nightdragon0. Your short was the only one I could access while my internet was down.
Story:-
Sir Sceptile and the Charizard
"Huh," said Charizard.
"Maybe Deoxys' favourite movies aren't all that bad after all," mused Sceptile, leaning back and tossing a bunch of greasy popcorn into his mouth.
It was barely the crack of dawn, and yet, one particular mountainside was streaming with activity.
"Is 'streaming with activity' right?" asked Beautifly.
"DON'T YOU START!" yelled Bulbasaur.
Well, somewhat at least.
At one particular cavern's entrance, an intimidating Sceptile
"WOOT!" cheered… no, you guess who cheered.
stood cracking his knuckles and taking a deep breath.
"You! Vilest of most fiends!" Sceptile yelled. "Show thyself!
"What's Deoxys doing in this fic?" asked Steelix.
And prepare to meet thy doom!"
"Boss!" A Blaziken called from his position, crouched behind a set of boulders. "Are you really sure this is a good idea?"
"Faithful squire, have no fear. Sir Sceptile here knows exactly what he's doing." 'Sir' Sceptile
"Hey! What's with the inverted commas?" demanded Sceptile.
proudly waved the metallic shield that was strapped to his left arm. "I will…yarrghh!"
The only thing that saved the Grass-type from being charbroiled by a sudden fireball was his ability to raise his shield. Still, that didn't stop the impact from sending him off the edge of the cliff, rolling down the fortunately low mountainside and ending up in a ditch at the bottom.
Miraculously, the only thing damaged was his shield, which had been burnt to a crisp.
"How's that miraculous?" scoffed Sceptile. "A mere fireball couldn't hurt the likes of me!"
"Precedent says otherwise," smirked Charizard. Sceptile shot him a death glare.
"And so it begins all over again…" groaned Steelix.
"I knew Deoxys' favourites were bad news," muttered Swellow.
"They are cursed," declared Corphish.
"Boss!" Blaziken called, jumping down to help Sceptile. "That's why the textbook says not to stand right in front of a Dragon's Den!"
"Arrrr!" Sceptile shook the swirls out of his eyes, completely ignoring his squire. "How dare thee insult me like this! No one is supposed to interrupt me while I'm giving my grand hero speech!"
Yawning, a Charizard emerged from the cavern, shaking the ground with his heavy footsteps.
"YEAH!" cheered someone. Guess who.
"Garrrww…that's kinda iffy." Charizard rubbed his eyes. "The ad quite clearly states my challenge hours are from 9am to 5pm, Mondays to Fridays. And, 10am to 1pm on Saturdays. So rack off mate! It's bloody 4am in the morning!"
"Eh?" asked Charizard. "Since when do Charizards talk with a British accent?"
"Since they got their butts whooped by Sceptiles," said a certain green someone.
"I'm going to miss life," sighed Glalie.
"The blades of justice wait for no one!" Sceptile declared, powering up the leaf blades on his forearms.
"Well, good on ya. But blokes like you never read the fine print." Charizard turned and waved a claw. "Catch ya later mate."
"Who the blazes set that rule anyway?" Sceptile demanded.
"Humph, I work for myself. Go figure."
"Well your boss sucks!"
"Come again?"
"If you're too dumb to get that dig…" said Sceptile.
Charizard suddenly stood up with a menacing look in his eyes. Sceptile leaped up from his seat, glaring furiously. Steelix quickly intervened.
"Hey, you're not insulting each other, you're insulting the characters in the fic, right?" reasoned Steelix.
Charizard and Sceptile thought about that for a moment, then sat down.
"Get ready for some serious riffing, guys…" warned Crobat in a low whisper.
Taking advantage of the distraction, Sceptile seemingly defied the laws of physics and bounded off the ground, lunging straight towards Charizard with his leaf blades ready.
Time seemed to slow down at Charizard whirled round
"It should be 'as Charizard whirled around'," said Foretress.
"What, has everyone been infected by the Squirtspeare Virus or something?" asked Bulbasaur incredulously.
and reacted to the sudden attack by dropping his head, neck and chest backwards, barely allowing the leaf blade to pass over his head. As time returned to normal, Charizard sprang up and drew into a fighting stance.
"MATRIX RIP-OFF!" yelled the Pokemon. Well, most of them did. Two certain Pokemon actually yelled out insults that nobody else heard.
"I think that was a dramatic moment." Blaziken blinked from his position on the lower ground. "It could've been just me, but for a moment, I swore time went in slow motion…"
"No duh," said Crobat.
"Now that was entirely uncalled for!" Charizard snarled. "You ain't supposed to attack the Dragon with his back turned!"
"Sir Sceptile seems to be an unethical cheating little vermin," commented Charizard mildly.
"Well, if the Charizard is actually stupid enough to turn his back on such a dangerous foe…" Sceptile trailed off.
"Are you referring to the Blaziken?" Charizard asked innocently.
"Somewhere, someplace, Deoxys is exchanging high-fives with the Antichrist," said Donphan.
"I come to rescue the Princess Meganium!" Sceptile growled. "And I don't have time to waste arguing with the likes of you. I've already got a press conference scheduled later this afternoon."
"Lose the phony accent will ya mate?"
"He's one to talk," said Sceptile.
Charizard blew a ball of fire into each of his palms and rubbed the flames around his scales. "Either way, I'm mad as a cut snake! You want a duel? I'm game!"
"Grrr…" Both fighters faced each other with ferocious snarls.
"DUEL!"
Just then, a Meganium happened to appear from the cavern, walking into plain sight.
"Ah the all essential damsel in distress." Blaziken noted. "Couldn't have an anime without one."
Sceptile's jaw dropped. This was a painful blast from the past for him. He remembered the Meganium for whon he had evolved and by whom he had been ditched for a Tropius.
Charizard noticed the sudden change in attitude of his opponent. He frowned.
"Princess Meganium!" Sceptile gasped. "Fear not! For I have come to…uarrghh!"
The reptile was once again sent flying, this time by a well placed tail swipe from Charizard. Sceptile found himself with his head stuck in the ground and his tail and rump sticking comically up into the air.
Sceptile shook his head and tried to divert his attention from heart-wrenching memories. "Who's the unfair one now?" he said snidely.
"Well, if Sir Sceptile's stupid enough to give a speech in the middle of a battle…" Charizard trailed off, grinning.
Sceptile glared at the dragon, but couldn't help chuckling himself.
"Not the full quid, are ya? Which fruit loop actually waits for the villain to finish giving his speech?" Charizard huffed. "You really need to shut up and stop talking so much. You're letting off too much air…which your brain seems to need."
"Infidel! Who's the hero and who's the villain here?" Sceptile pulled his head out of the ground.
"Don't go big-noting yourself, dipstick." Charizard replied. "Obviously, I'm the hero from my own point of view."
"Are you making fun of me?" The temple of Sceptile's head was severely bulging by this time.
"Wouldn't dream of it." Charizard shrugged sarcastically.
"We'll see about that! On guard!" Sceptile declared, readying his leaf blades.
With an equally loud roar, Charizard leapt down to meet the challenge. Sceptile charged in, slashing his leaf blades faster than eye could see. Charizard nimbly dodged about, barely seeming to touch the ground. As the two were so caught up in this dance, neither one noticed the dozens of rocks and boulders being sliced to pebbles by the leaf blades.
As the battle reached its climax, the two combatants ended only slightly away from each other, posed in their battle stances. Sceptile with his leaf blades in a 'ready' position and Charizard with his fangs baring fiercely.
"It should be, 'fangs bared fiercely'," said Donphan.
"IT'S AN EPIDEMIC!" shrieked Bulbasaur. "SAVE YOURSELVES!! THERE IS NO CURE!!"
A huge explosion occurred in the background, sending the tons of pebbles and rocks flying everywhere.
Squire Blaziken had to duck for cover from the massive storm of showering rocks, but strangely Sceptile and Charizard were completely unaffected.
"Wow, it's another rule of anime physics!" Blaziken noted. "Those attacks completely destroyed the scenery…but left absolutely no damage on the two of them."
"Stole the words out of my mouth," said Glalie.
"Sure…" nodded Foretress.
Both stood panting for a moment before Charizard, who had somehow escaped all possible damage, raised his head and sprayed a huge Flamethrower attack into Sceptile's face. The latter ended up charred and black, coughing as he collapsed to the ground.
"Obviously you haven't heard of STABs mate." Charizard huffed. "That, in addition to the fact that you're at a 4x type disadvantage to me. I'd say you've got Buckley's chance mate."
Despite being charred with a fire attack that could melt boulders, Sceptile rose shakily to his feet.
"We'll see who's at the disadvantage!"
With that, he drove his knee into Charizard's groin. The Dragon's eyes instantly bulged out as his laugh turned into utter shock.
"Cheating vermin!"
"He's at a 4x type disadvantage, remember?" said Sceptile innocently. "That entitles him some liberties."
"Rarrghh! When did walloping a guy in the goskies become fair?"
"Well, you know what they say. If violence isn't solving your problems, you're obviously not using enough of it." Sceptile stepped back and leapt into the air. "Now for my ultimate technique! Leaf Storm!"
A whirlwind of leaves materialized and began spinning rapidly around Sceptile. Charizard however, aimed a Fire Spin right at the base and spat. Sceptile's tornado of leaves was abruptly turned into a tornado of flames, leaving the Grass-type to jump away screeching.
"Impossible!" Sceptile panted. "How did he counter my ultimate technique?"
"Of course I could mate." Charizard replied. "Thanks heaps for telling me what it was in advance."
"Grrr…then how about this?" Sceptile broke into a charge with his leaf blades drawn.
"Rage on, drongo!" Charizard mirrored the same move, only with his claws outstretched.
"It's the climax!" Blaziken gasped, watching from above.
Charizard and Sceptile charged until they'd almost made contact before the screen turned dark. Two white slashes appeared in different directions before the combatants found themselves back on the ground, facing opposite directions.
Both stood posed there for a moment before collapsing.
"Garrghh! My spleen!" Sceptile gasped, clutching his stomach.
Charizard's only response was coughing up the blood from his mouth.
The two continued moaning and groaning for a while before they looked up at one another.
"What are you doing you stupid lizard?" Sceptile hissed. "You're supposed to fall down and die!"
"Give it away Mongrel! The hero's supposed to sprawl and scream in pain for dramatic effect, before his arch-nemesis kicks the bucket. You're the one that should be falling!"
"I'm the hero of this story!" Sceptile screeched angrily.
"Pig's arse!" Charizard retorted. "Reckon I'm far more popular!"
"A fat Dragon like you can't be more popular than me!"
"Why shouldn't I be? Christmas tree-tailed ratbag!"
"Chimney-rump scum bucket!"
"Big green piece of turd!"
"Oversized orange bat!"
"Brainless vegetable!"
"Hey, is all dat comin' from da movie?" asked Meowth.
Charizard and Sceptile turned around to look at everyone else.
"Erm… yeah, the movie," mumbled Sceptile.
"I'll…rarrgghh!" 'Sir' Sceptile stepped forward, but unfortunately tripped and fell flat on his face. "Arrghh! My ankle! I sprained my ankle!"
"Very suave, 'Sir' Sceptile," grinned Charizard.
"What's with the inverted commas, eh?" whined Sceptile.
"Well, Good onya." Charizard smirked, dusting his claws off. "All ya yabbering ain't gotten you nowhere after all. Hooroo!"
Meanwhile, the groaning Sceptile on the ground felt his world fade to black.
I'm supposed to be thinking of a lot of dramatic things in here. He thought. Because I'm the hero, I have the privilege to have these scenes. All I need to do is think of a bunch of things to say about why I'm fighting and how I can't afford to lose. Then, I'll be granted an even greater power by the rules of anime. But screw this, the end result is the same anyway!
Suddenly, Sceptile let off a roar, struggling to his feet, much to the amazement of Charizard.
"I absolutely won't lose to you!" He declared, charging up a massive beam attack.
"Crikey! That whacker just doesn't know when to cark it!" Charizard muttered, preparing to counter with his own breath attack.
"Is that Charizard even speaking in English?" asked Charizard.
"Seems to be spouting loser talk," said Sceptile.
The brilliant glow of Sceptile's Solarbeam met with the blazing fury of Charizard's Flamethrower. For what seemed like hours, the two beams continued pushing against each other. Both combatants were grunting and sweating as the scenes flashed back and forth between them.
Fair suck of the sav! My lungs are…giving…it…away… Charizard realized.
"This seems to be the type disadvantage effect." Blaziken remarked. "The underdog always has to triumph."
BOOM! In a massive explosion, Charizard was sent flying backwards so hard that he hit the mountainside, leaving the impression of his body in it. Groaning, he peeled off the wall and slipped to the floor in agony.
Sceptile grinned broadly and turned to Charizard. "Seem familiar?"
"Shuddup," muttered Charizard.
Sceptile wasn't much better off, although he was still standing and panting hard. His vision was blurred and his ears ringing from the explosion. But what did it matter? He'd won after all.
It was then that he saw Meganium rushing over towards him. He was still too dazed to make out exactly what she was saying, but he could guess nevertheless.
"Ah my princess…" Sceptile stood up wit hearts in his eyes, holding out his arms to embrace her. "Now, we'll finally have our happily ever aft…"
That was when Meganium dashed right past him and nuzzled Charizard's side instead.
"W…what?" Sceptile gasped, a huge sweatdrop forming on his forehead.
The whole theater went silent. Only one sound could be heard: Sceptile's jaw had once more dropped and now a long, drawn-out, gargling, choking sound was emerging from his throat. Nobody said anything. Even Charizard had enough sense not to say "Seem familiar?"
"Are you all right, my dear?" Meganium asked softly.
"Now that you're back in my arms, certainly." Charizard chuckled, pulling himself to his feet.
As Sceptile continued to stare, the two began nuzzling and engaging in a passionate kiss.
"SOMEBODY RIFF THIS THING!!!" Sceptile seemed to have regained the power of speech.
"Ur, urm, mumble, glaff," the Pokemon said several incoherent things, unable to think of anything to say without ticking Charizard off.
"Um, the lighting is terrible," offered Bulbasaur.
"Yes, awful lighting," agreed Crobat.
"I ─ I can barely see the, the scenery… in the background," mumbled Donphan.
"Very helpful, guys," said Steelix sardonically.
"Hey, looks like they were in it together from the beginning." Blaziken walked over and slapped Sceptile on the shoulder. "Ain't that cool boss?"
Sceptile once more began to make that choking sound. Charizard was starting to get uncomfortable. Nobody knew this, but he was awfully scared of that movie, "The Grudge", and Sceptile sounded exactly like that dead Japanese chick from that movie.
"I…I…" Sceptile's jaw had practically hit the floor by now.
Steelix observed Sceptile's face. "Ditto."
The huge explosion had the unfortunate side effect of shaking up several large rocks on the mountainside. And those rocks chose this moment to come rolling down upon the lovers. Charizard sensed the vibration moments before the rocks hit and had the sense to shove Meganium away.
However, he was promptly smacked on the head by a large rock and saw stars encircling his vision before he collapsed. Although Meganium had been pushed away from the first rockfall, another one was on its way.
It took Sceptile a moment too long to realize this, only to have Blaziken rush in and tackle Meganium, taking them both out of harms way.
"Whew…" Blaziken panted. "You all right there?"
"Ohh…thanks to you of course." Meganium stared dreamily into his eyes. "My hero…"
Blaziken returned the warm look as the scene around them turned into one of flowers in a grassy field. A moaning Charizard got to his feet just in time to see the other Fire type embracing his princess instead.
"How bout I hang around with you instead? My hero." Meganium decided.
"Erm…hehe…sure." Blaziken scratched his head nervously.
Charizard opened his jaws as if to say something, but he just couldn't get the words out.
"WHAT??!!" demanded Charizard. "She chose a stupid Blaziken over me?!"
"Join the club, mate," muttered Sceptile.
"You know, the Charizard from the movie isn't exactly him…" Psyduck began to say, but was interrupted when Bulbasaur slapped him with a vine.
"If it gets them to shut up…" said Bulbasaur pointedly.
"Humph." Meganium snorted as she stomped past him.
"Hey, consider this my resignation." Blaziken waved a claw as he walked past Sceptile.
A trail of hearts seemed to follow the new couple as they walked off into the light of the early morning sun.
"Crikey…" Charizard finally blurted out. "I've…I've been flicked off!"
"That makes both of us." Sceptile muttered dryly, walking up to his side. "So…how about we hit the pub?"
"Ace, I wouldn't mind hitting the Turps." Charizard brightened up. "But spare me a stash of Moolah would ya?"
"Well, just this once." Sceptile heaved. "It's no fun to be drinking alone."
"Too right mate."
THE END
Sceptile and Charizard looked at each other.
"Meganiums suck," said Sceptile.
"Ditto," said Charizard.
The two shook hands.
"On a related note, has anyone noticed that tomorrow is Valentine's Day?" asked Steelix.
Nobody really cared about the day or the date anymore, so this announcement aroused little enthusiasm from the Pokemon ─ save for three certain unrequited lovers.
A/N: CLIFFHANGER!!
Next Chapter: Valentine's Day. The question of 'who ends up with who' will finally be resolved. Plus, a secret crush will announce itself. Also, there will be dancing, festivities… and did I forget to mention that we haven't seen the last of Da Jesta Rappa?
