Love You Like a Sister:
Regrets
Michelle PoV
I wake up in my own bed. I don't know how and I don't know why. But what I do know is that I'm aching, everywhere. My head feels as if it's split in two and I have a surging feeling in my stomach. I was going to throw up. Now.
I race to the bathroom and flip the toilet seat up before chucking last nights remnants into the basin. I felt like pure shit. I had the sudden urge to check if I was on my period because I had intense abdominal cramps. Instead I slope down against the wall, pulling the chain hard and burying my head in my hands.
That's when I remember. I remember because I feel like an idiot. I feel dirty and I feel weak and I feel used.
I'd had sex with Dean last night.
"Ughhhhh!" I let out a groan, rolling onto my side, just wanting to curl up into a little ball and hide away in the dark. Unfortunately someone hears me because there is a fist banging on the door in seconds.
"Michelle?" Liam yells and I try to block it out. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to hear anyone. I just wanted to be alone. "Michelle get out here now."
Shit. What if he knew? He was one of Dean's best friends. What if he had told mom? I would be screwed.
Deciding it to be the safest option I reluctantly stand up, legs shaking from the strain they had underwent last night. I slide the latch across and push the door open to face Liam.
To my surprise. It isn't the lecture I was expecting.
"Oh thank God." He lurches at me, wrapping me in a big hug which just makes me want to hurl again. "Dean said he'd walked you back."
"Dean?" I freeze; unaware of how hoarse and broken my voice was until now.
"Yeah, you disappeared; I couldn't find you all night." He frets, holding me at arms length. "I had to deal with Carla, get her home so he told me he would take care of you."
"Oh he did that alright..." I mutter.
"Ey?" He frowns.
"Nothing." I brush him away, heading back towards my bedroom. I was going to hide under my covers all day, try to salvage memories of last night in my head. I shut my door behind me and throw myself down onto my mattress.
I felt so emotional but I couldn't cry. I didn't have the energy to punch anything. I just wanted to lie there, eyes closed, all day long.
Memories slowly flood back to me. It was horrible. But at the same time it was exciting. It was something I couldn't make my mind up about. I remember crying out several times. Out of pain or pleasure was something I wasn't sure about.
"Mmm." I moan as the feelings run through my mind.
This was the most impure I had ever felt. After all the countless times I had listened to Carla talk about how amazing sex was, how deep and passionate and alive it made her feel. I didn't have quite the same reaction. To put it bluntly it had made me feel like shit. It made me feel embarrassed. Embarrassed? Ashamed. I should feel relieved... Maybe I did... But maybe I just wanted to skip back to twenty four hours ago when I was an innocent child rather than a matured woman. Because that's what it felt like. It felt like overnight I had changed completely. I had grown up in a single night of bewilderment. I wanted my childhood back and I wanted it now.
"Michelle! Get ready for church please." My mother calls out and the words take a second to sink in. Church? Why today of all days were we going to church? Granted, it was a Sunday. But we only went a couple of times a year.
Right now I was not feeling the vibes of walking into a church. I wasn't even in the right state to be walking out of the door, never mind a place of worship. I needed to see Carla. She was the only person I wanted to see right now. She was the only person who would understand. I just wanted her to hold me and tell me it would be ok. That I hadn't done anything I would regret.
"Michelle?" Paul storms into my room and I sit upright, my tummy somersaulting as I did so.
"AY!" I yell at him. "I could have been naked, get out you pervert!"
"Well it's a good job you're not then isn't it?" He snaps. "You gonna tell me what happened last night?"
"No." I scoff, as if I'd tell Paul anything. He was the last person on Earth I would want to talk to.
"Right, well get ready for church." He sighs, clearly not equally in the mood for a family outing.
"I'm not going to church." I raise my eyebrows at him.
"Why?" He spits.
"Um, because I don't want to?" I sass, making him angrier.
"And you think I do?" He rolls his eyes. "Look I don't care. Sit around being a lazy cow all day if that's what you want. But you take it up with mum."
He slams the door in my face and I fall back on my pillows. There was no way I was going out with my family in the state I was in. Instead, I slowly rise, my limbs aching. I pull a jacket out of my wardrobe and slip a pair of boots on. I could hear raised voices in the hallway so there was no way of escape out of the front door.
Plan B. I pull my window up before stuffing my pockets with a few quid out of my piggy bank, a tube of foundation, mascara, a packet of jelly beans that were on my desk and a clean pair of underwear before I climb out of my window onto the trellis that hangs down the wall to the first floor. The flowers were wilted and rotten by now but it made good material for an escapade. My legs could hardly move they ached so much. What the fuck had Dean been making me do last night? A yoga workout?
I jump the remaining two metres and land flat on my feet. I'd had practice at that. Then I turn the corner and head off to East Block, a lot less fussed about being there today than I'd ever been. I just needed to see my best friend.
Carla PoV
"Rob get the flaming door will ya?" I yell, trying to cover the dark circles under my eyes with some shitty concealer I'd taken that was a tester from Boots. I hear him get up off the sofa reluctantly and make his way through the hall. It was most likely George, hung-over and without a key. No wonder he was bashing the door down.
"It's Chelle." He informs me, loudly and I practically jump up from my bed. "And she doesn't look good."
"Cheers." She gives him a weak smile as I open my bedroom door. Rob takes the hint and leaves us to it. He was right though, she didn't look good. She looked as if she could burst into tears any second.
"Hey." I smile at her, breathlessly. Her mascara had run down her face from last night, her hair was a mess and she was still in her pyjamas. "I was worried about you." I am not afraid to tell her. She looks shattered, like she could collapse at any second. I move towards her without further hesitation and wrap her in a hug. I could feel her shaking, she was terrified and I didn't know why. "Baby, you're freezing." I rub her arm to warm her up and then lead her into my bedroom closing the door.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know where else to go." She mumbles, lip trembling. I sit her down on my bed as she always does with me and kneel down to her level. Surprisingly, she's not crying. She just looks shocked, petrified. Suddenly a horrible thought crossed my mind.
"Has someone hurt you?" I raise my voice slightly, squeezing her shaking hand that's cold as ice. She doesn't respond which worried me even more. "Chelle? Stop shaking sweetheart, it's ok I promise."
But she won't, she looks as if she's having another panic attack. She hadn't had one in years and this worried me more than ever. She raises a hand to her mouth to try and steady her breathing and she finally makes eye contact with me, steadying her gaze with mine.
"I don't..." She stutters. "I don't know... I just... Please just hold me Carla, please."
I don't need telling twice because she has slid off my bed and onto my lap, her head resting beneath my chin. I sit with my back against the metal framework of my bed and rock her gently from side to side, soothing her as she shakes in my arms. I can feel her heart pounding in her chest. Her breathing slowly steadying as our gentle movement calms her. I don't question her further. I know not to do that. "You're safe I promise." I whisper into her hair, which is what I know she wants to hear, because it was true. When she was with me I wouldn't let anything happen to her. She was my best friend, my little sister, my rock. She came before anyone else and that would never ever change.
She doesn't move for a very long time. My left leg is completely dead and something in her pocket is digging into my side, but I don't care because slowly, she is calming. Her shaking decreases and she just becomes numb in my arms. She clings onto my sweatshirt as if it is a life jacket. It's then that I hear her muffled whimpers and I know she's finally crying. It comes as a relief because I would much prefer tears than panic. I place a kiss softly into her hair and breathe in the scent of her shampoo.
After what seems like an eternity, she removes her grasp and lifelessly moves away from me, sitting in a broken heap on my carpet.
"Hey you." I place a finger lightly under her chin and she raises her head to look at me. "Time to talk? Who do I need to go beat up?"
"No one." She musters a slight smile, shaking her head in the process. "I'm just being silly."
"I doubt that." I tell her as yet another tear escapes her eye. "...What is it Chelle?"
She opens her mouth a few times before burying her head back into my hands.
"It's really pathetic and stupid and minuscule." She frets and I reach out to take her hand, squeezing it to show that I was listening.
"I don't care." I virtually whisper.
"...Last night." She hesitates and I nod. "...I had sex with Dean."
