Author's Notes: Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This fic is dedicated to the person who still keeps me writing to this day with her cheerleading and willingness to listen to my rambling fic ideas. She motivates me and pushes me and encourages me and I love her dearly, even if all I ever hear from her is "Let them just have sex already!" But kathrynew30, you are the best, and I'm so glad we're still friends. I would be so lost without you.

Also want to thank my buddies Sarah and PromiseMeTheStars for their awesome feedback and helping me to know that my writing gets the reactions I'm looking for. I love you guys. 3

And thank you for the awesome reviews I've gotten so far! I'm slowly replying to them and it's taking longer than normal and with life and stuff...yeah. But I love you and thank you for reading.

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Mom is happy to see both boys climb into her car. She offers to take them by James' house for a change of clothes but he declines, saying he can wear one of Logan's shirts to bed; Logan smirks and smiles at James in the rear view mirror, both of them knowing that won't be the case. The grin James answers with reminds him how much he's missed seeing James smile at him.

"I see you got your crown," Joanna comments.

"I sure did," James beams.

"I'm so proud of you! Did you ask your mom if you can stay the night, James? She might want you home to get ready for the move."

"He's not moving."

"What?" Joanna glances back at James at a stop sign.

James chuckles. "Logan has informed me I'm not going anywhere."

"Well, your parents might have something to say about that, James. No matter what Logan wants."

"I think Dad will be relieved. He tried to talk me out of it, just because he still doesn't have his own place and there's not a lot of room at my aunt's. But he was gonna let me do it."

"I bet he misses you," Logan offers.

James nods slowly. "Says he does. I think...maybe he does. He asked if I wanted to spend Christmas there. Before I told him I wanted to move, I mean."

And just like that Logan has visions of Christmas with James. With everything else going on he hadn't paid it much attention, but it's only a few weeks away. He knows James' mother would never in a million years let James spend Christmas morning with them, but suddenly he wants that so badly it's a physical ache in his chest. "What did you say?"

"I told him I already had some Christmas plans set up, so I couldn't."

"Oh."

"Are you and your mom doing something, honey?" Joanna asks.

"Not that I know of. Probably just gonna exchange a few gifts, and then she'll work from home."

Logan can't keep it in. "So what plans do you have?"

"Well, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise."

Logan tries really hard not to squeal or glow upon hearing that. "But I didn't even get you anything yet."

"Get on it, then. If I'm staying here, I'd better at least get a Christmas present out of it."

Logan has to look out the window because he can't stop smiling. Oh, you'll get so much more than that, James. So much more.

XXXXX

They say their goodnights to Joanna and start down the hallway, but she stops Logan with a hand on his shoulder. "Go on, James. I need to talk to Logan."

Oh shit. We were too obvious. I can't stop smiling, damn it. Stop smiling! Logan takes a deep breath and turns around, following her to the kitchen. "What's up?"

"Didn't I tell you things would work out?"

"Yeah, you did."

"So what happened at the dance?"

Logan shrugs. "James won."

"Obviously. What happened with Kendra?"

"We...it's not gonna work out. She's great, but...I don't know. I'm just not into her like I should be, you know?"

"So you broke up with her?"

"We weren't really together. It was just a dance."

"And what about James?"

Shit. Mom, please don't make me talk about this, please don't tell me he can't stay over anymore. "What about him?"

"Is he still with his girlfriend?"

"Um...no. They broke up tonight."

Joanna nods slowly. "Because of the move?"

"I...maybe?"

"But he's not moving now."

"No. I talked him out of it."

Joanna is quiet for a long time, just staring at Logan.

"Can I...go now?"

"You know James is always welcome here, right?"

"Yeah. You always tell him, and it means the world to him, Mom. You don't know this, but for him to hug you like that tonight in front of his girlfriend, in front of the whole school? That was huge. He has that image thing, you know?'

"And where do you fit into that whole 'image thing'?"

Logan bites his lip.

"Do you two even talk at school?"

"Not really. But that's gonna change. We're gonna talk about it tonight. It's...what the big fight was about."

"I thought you said it was over a girl."

"Well...that too."

"But now the girls are...out of the picture."

"I guess."

Joanna sighs. "All right. Go. But Logan?"

He has already stood up, relieved beyond belief. She may not know for sure, but Logan knows now that she suspects, at least his own feelings for James, and that's bad. "Yeah?"

"If you ever need to talk...you know I'm here. About anything. I'll love you no matter what."

"I know, Mom." He steps back to the table and hugs her tight. "I'm working through some stuff."

"I'm here, okay?"

"I know. I love you."

"I love you, too. And tell James I love him, too."

Logan smiles. "I will. Night."

"Goodnight, honey."

XXXXXX

James is snuggled up under the blankets.

"You took the crown off already? I was sure I'd find you preening in front of the mirror."

"The crown's cool, but not as big a deal as it used to be. What did she say?"

"That she loves you."

"No, really."

"No, really! She said to tell you that."

James smiles, touched. "What else?"

"She asked about Kendra. And Nikki. And...she totally knows I have feelings for you."

"She said that?"

"No. But she knows."

"Shit. Does she want me to leave?"

"No. I don't think she knows how...far it's gotten. Maybe thinks you're not aware of my feelings for you. But she gave me the little 'I'm here if you need me and I'll love you no matter what' talk."

"Ah, the talk every gay boy needs to hear. Sadly, most don't."

"Don't what?"

"Get to hear it. A lot of parents are assholes about it." James lifts the covers. "Will you hurry up and get over here? I missed you."

"I'm not even out of my tux yet."

"And that's a problem."

Logan sits on the bed to take off his shoes. "How are your parents gonna react?"

"I'm not about to go tell the world. Not yet. If you're expecting that-"

"I'm not. Yet."

"Dad's not gonna be thrilled. Mom probably won't care much. Lots of gay guys in the fashion and cosmetics world."

"So you're done with girls? Completely?"

"I'm done with everyone. Tonight showed me. I can't deal with anyone touching you but me. I'm sorry I put you through all that with Nikki. I really didn't get it, how hard it is to watch that."

"You're an idiot."

"I know."

Logan leans down to kiss James once.

"Door locked?"

"No. Hang on." Logan takes care of that and then strips down to his boxers, leaving his clothes in a pile next to James'.

"You're leaving a mess on the floor?"

"Sure. You made your bed for me, it's the least I can do."

"I didn't want to love you."

Logan freezes while reaching for the light switch, shocked at the abrupt confession. "What?"

"I never meant to love you. I wanted you. I always...cared. Needed you. But I never meant to love you."

James is...opening up. And it's so long overdue. Logan turns out the light, knowing it'll be easier for him to talk in the dark. "You told me once that it's okay to have feelings for you. Way back in the beginning. Why wouldn't it be okay for you to have feelings, too?"

"Because I swore. I wouldn't love anyone ever. I've only loved two people in my life, Logan. And they didn't love me back."

"Your dad loves you."

"I think he does, yeah. But I didn't know that, not until recently. All I wanted when I was a kid was for them to pay attention to me. After a while you just...give up. The only one who ever paid attention to me was you. But that was...we weren't..."

"I know." Logan slides under the covers, letting James pull him close and hold him tight. "Why did you kiss me, then? If you didn't want to love me?"

"Because I was gonna die if I didn't kiss you. Told you, I've wanted that since I was ten and knew what a kiss was. A real kiss, I mean."

"So you wanted me, but didn't want to love me?"

"I guess."

"That's why you got so scared?"

"I never expected to have such intense feelings when I kissed you. I've kissed a lot of girls. And I knew it would be different, because you're a guy and you're...you. But I didn't think it would...you know. I totally lost my mind every time you kissed me."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It scared the shit out of me, dude! You were scared, too, but that's because you're you and it was your first kiss and...I just thought it wouldn't be a big deal. We could make out and it would be fun, something nice to look forward to when we do homework together."

"And then I turned into an animal every time you kissed me."

"I know! And I wanted it, fuck I wanted so much more, and that...that was totally new. You messed up everything, I couldn't stop thinking about you like...ever. Even when I was with Nikki. Especially when I was with Nikki. All I ever wanted was to be with you."

"Sorry to be such a problem," Logan teases.

"You are! I had it all down, had everything under control, and then you had to be all perfect and gorgeous and wonderful and...so fucking hot."

Logan grins. "Yeah, it's the new hair."

"Shut up, it's everything. From day one, you've been fascinating to me. Always wanted your life, wanted to be you."

"What? Why would you want to be me? A total nerd?"

"Because I wanted your family. I always saw your mom at the competitions and school events, and you seemed embarrassed when she hugged you but I was so jealous. And then I started coming over here and the way she treated me, just welcomed me like I was a son to her..." James' voice cracks and he buries his face in Logan's hair.

Logan pulls James down and presses James' face into his neck, petting his hair while James cries. "She loves you. Like a son."

"I know. And I don't know why."

"Because you deserve it. Because you're a good person. And you're good for me. She loves the way I am around you, how I smile all the time. I'm not sure how she'll feel about this, but she loves what you do to me, how happy you make me."

"I want to make you happy, Logan. And I...fucked up already. I already hurt you and you didn't deserve that."

"Maybe I overreacted a little. I was upset that you wouldn't break up with Nikki and felt like you didn't care and-"

"I asked you if you wanted me to break up with her. I asked you."

"And you said you didn't want to."

"I would have."

"Really?"

"Fuck yes. Anything to keep you."

"But you pushed me away. I told you I didn't want to share you, told you it was me or her, and you pushed me away."

"By then you were talking about how I was gonna leave you and that hurt. That really hurt. I was having a hard enough time accepting that I love you, that it was okay to love you, that you weren't gonna hurt me like they did, and you started talking about how I was gonna leave you. How could you not see that I would rather die than leave you?"

"Because," Logan answers softly. "Because you always hid everything from me. Gave me that face."

"What face?"

"The thinking face. The one where I say something or you get scared and then you just shut down and I don't know what you're thinking. I hate that face. I don't ever want to see that face again. Just talk to me, James. If you can't talk to me, who can you talk to?"

"I don't like talking about my feelings."

"I don't like it when you hide things. We end up not speaking. And miss out on so much make out time." Logan feels James grin against him. "We wasted ten years. I don't want to waste any more."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"And you know what hurt me? When you wanted me to go to the dance with somebody else. I would've rather not gone at all, or gone alone even. Why did you force me to go with a girl?"

"I thought...I felt bad. Because I had Nikki and you had nobody. I thought you loved me enough that it wouldn't be a big deal, that you would be like me, just go with a girl and not care about her."

"I'm not you."

"I know. That's why I love you so much. And then you actually liked her."

"You didn't like it that I wasn't paying attention to you at school, did you? I figured that out tonight. That's why you kept distracting us all during class."

James is quiet.

"Come on, admit it."

"Dude, you weren't even staring at me anymore! You were all sharing notes and laughing with her, and then! And then. We came home that day and you forgot about making out. You forgot about making out. How do you forget about that?"

"I just...I don't know. You should've reminded me."

"I shouldn't have to remind you. Making out always comes first."

"Not when you're failing tests. What happened there?"

"I couldn't focus. On anything. I just kept seeing you with her, sitting with her at lunch and I kept wondering if you'd kissed her yet and it made me crazy. And that scared me too, how much I cared about that. So when you started saying shit about how I was gonna leave you..."

"It was a perfect reason for you to run away."

"I was scared."

"Don't be scared. I'm right here."

"I saw you kiss her. I saw you kiss her and...something broke inside me. I couldn't let you go. You've been mine forever and I won't...I can't...Logan, I can't lose you. Especially not now, after all of this. I'm sorry I pushed you away, I'm sorry I was gonna leave, I was being stupid and now I just want this, want you."

"You've got me." Logan kisses James and James sinks into it, hands holding onto Logan's head as he climbs up Logan's body to straddle his waist.

"It's all I ever wanted."

"No more girlfriends."

"Hell no."

"No boyfriends, either."

James laughs. "Just you."

"Talk to me when you get scared."

"I'll try."

"I'll hold out. No blowjobs until you talk."

"Damn. Okay. Any other rules, Mr. Mitchell?"

"You have to tell me I'm gorgeous at least once a day."

"Done. Can I call you 'pookie', too?"

"Only in the privacy of our home."

"I can live with that."

"And you have to sing me to sleep at least once a week. And stay here every weekend."

"Will you come with me to visit Dad over spring break?"

Logan blinks in surprise. "You'd want me to?"

"Like I can stand a week away from you?"

"Uh uh. This is what I was talking about. Truth."

"Fine. I want Dad to meet you. Because you're important to me. Also because I can't stand a week away from you."

"Better. See, it's not so hard to just say what you're feeling."

"What I'm feeling right now is horny. Two days without touching you. It's really not okay."

"Won't happen again. So this is it? We're official?"

"Totally."

"Are we...out?"

"Do you want to be?"

Logan thinks it over. "Not just yet. I really don't want Mom to know we're fooling around because then she might not let you stay the night."

"Good, because I don't know if I'm ready for that, either. We can just stick with what we've got going on, right?"

"Except..."

"What?"

"Can we...be friends? At school?"

"You think I'm letting anyone else sit next to you at lunch? Or even in class?"

"You gonna come into the library with me in the morning, get a little studying in before school?"

"If I have to."

"You need to pass these classes."

"I know. I'll be better now. As long as you're with me, as long as I know you're mine."

"I always have been." Logan kisses James on the nose. "And that's not gonna change, right?"

"Nope. You're the permanent one."

"It's all I ever wanted to be," Logan sighs before pulling James down over him.

XXXXXX