Flagg takes a swig of milk straight out of the carton and spits it onto the living room floor. "You need to cut back on the salty foods, kid," he says to Lincoln. "You're gonna wind up with hypertension or something."
He drops the milk carton onto the floor and sits in his armchair with a contented sigh. The phone rings and he picks it up. "F91 here, what's the haps?"
".. go and take a vacation."
"A vacation?" Flagg glances thoughtfully at the ceiling. "Actually, that sounds kinda nice." He hangs the phone up and stands. "You got this for a while, Kenny? I'm gonna go on holiday."
"Take your time," Kenny says. He's sitting on the couch next to Luan, who is upright but still unconscious. He runs a strand of her hair through his fingers and smells it.
Flagg nods. "Alright. I'll catch you cats on the flip side. Heil."
A montage set to the song "Vacation" by the Go-Gos follows: Flagg riding a roller coaster, his hands thrown carelessly into the air and his mouth open; Flagg on the top of a red double-decker bus, touring London; Flagg reclining on a tropical beach in sunglasses and a pair of swim trunks, sipping from a coconut half; Flagg touring Auschwitz with a giant boner in his pants; Flagg strangling a Thai prostitute with her own underwear; Flagg meeting the pope. Two weeks later, he comes through the door in a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat. He is carrying two suitcases with stickers all over them. A lai is around his neck. "What it do, Louds?" he cries, throwing his suitcases aside. "Did Kenny take good care of you while I was gone?"
Luan is sitting sullenly on the couch, her arms crossed and her gaze downcast. Luna sighs, annoyed. Lynn shots daggers at him. Lincoln shivers. Everyone else does something too. Flagg doesn't pay attention because fuck them.
"You know," Flagg says, shutting the door and coming into the living room, "I feel good. Really good. That vacation was just what I needed." He walks over to the couch and looks down at Lisa. "I'm in such a good mood." He hits her with a devastating haymaker; her head jerks to the side and her glasses fly off. "A very good mood." He slaps his right elbow and drops it onto Lana's head.
Kenny comes in from the kitchen and smiles. "You're back! I was just making some pizza rolls. You want one?"
Flagg crinkles his nose. "I hate those things. I'd much rather..."
The phone rings.
Flagg looks at the fourth wall. "...take a call."
He drops into his chair and picks up the handset. "You know what this is."
"You wanna know why I'm angry with you?"
"Not fucking really."
"Two reasons. One, you decided to flip off someone. I feel like that was uncalled for..."
"You mean Max Hero? Hey, newsflash, asshole: Max Hero isn't real. Neither is Lincoln fucking Loud, neither am I for that matter. I am an exaggerated caricature of the guy writing this story. Not even that, really, because he doesn't have the balls to do what I do. None of this is real. Hey, you know Kenny Rogers? He's real...but the Kenny Rogers I'm hanging with is the Kenny Rogers from those old MadTV skits. He's a parody of a real guy. It's all fake. All of it. Watch this."
Flagg gets up, walks over to Lincoln, and punches him in the chest so hard his hand sinks into Lincoln's body. Lincoln screams and thrashes as Flagg rips his still beating heart out. He takes a bite, blood spurting out of it. Everyone starts to scream and cry. "Now," Flagg says, going back to his chair and sitting down, "look."
Lincoln's all better. He gasps and runs his hands over his chest. "I-I'm okay!"
"Because this is fiction, Lincy. I can make unicorns come through the ceiling if I wanted to. Don't take it so seriously."
Flagg hangs up and takes another call. "Yeah?"
"Ask Lincoln what his biggest wish is, and turn it into the exact opposite of what he says."
Flagg hangs up and looks at the fourth wall. "Okay...I guess." He gets up and goes over to Lincoln, who cringes.
"Hey," Flagg says, kneeling, "what's your biggest wish?"
Lincoln blinks. "M-My what?"
"Your biggest wish. Like...what do you want from life?"
Lincoln thinks for a minute. "I wanna be a comic book artist!"
Flagg puts his finger to his chin. "Hmmmm. What's the exact opposite of that? Oh, I know."
He pulls out a kitchen knife and stabs Lincoln in the leg with it as hard as he can. Lincoln throws his head back and screeches in pain, his hand flying to his leg. Flagg laughs so hard he falls back on his ass. "How's that for comic book artist, you little homo?"
Lincoln rolls back and forth, tears streaming down his face.
"Fuck this!" Lynn yells, and throws herself at Flagg. Flagg has been anticipating this, however; he grabs her by the neck, throws her onto the floor, and rolls onto her, pinning her between his knees. He backhands her. "Always that one fucking hero, huh? Remember that, bitch? Or was that on another level of the Tower?" Flagg thinks for a minute. "I dunno." He wraps his hands around her neck and squeezes. Her eyes bug out. "I'd kill you if I wasn't planning on raping you," Flagg says. "But you know what? I'm a dead man, it's not necrophilia if I fuck a dead body."
Lynn squirms under him, scratching his hands. Everyone is screaming for him to stop. He laughs as her eyes roll back into her head. He reaches down, unzips his pants, and brings out Lil' Flagg. He then yanks her shorts down and thrusts into her. "This is what happens when you play hero. Just ask Max. I fucked him up his ass the last time he messed with me."
Flagg thrusts in and out, finishing just as Lynn dies. For a moment, he lies on top of her, panting. Then he pushes himself up and pulls up his pants. He goes over to the couch, jams his hands into Lynn Sr.'s mouth, and pulls in opposite directions until his jaws separate and the top of his head comes entirely off. Flagg holds the severed half above his upturned face and lets blood drip down onto him. On the couch, Lynn Sr.'s body sits rigid, his hands clawing at his ruined bottom jaw. Everyone's screaming, crying, or passing out.
Flagg spikes the head like a football, his face smeared with blood, and goes back to his chair. "I told you assholes, I'm not fucking around this time. Next caller."
"Hey Flagg so I heard you hate the Louds! That great cause I have idea! I think we can help each other don't you? You see I've been reading this for a long time and chapter 8 has to be my favorite! Know why? Because I hate Lola! With like a passion dude! None of the fires in Hell could burn hotter than my hatred for the beauty pageant little bitch! So here's what I'd like to see! You know I kinda like the dead version of you! Because if it wasn't for dead you then I couldn't ask this! I want you to make Lola have fucking lesbian sex with Lana! I mean some good ass pussy licking! Then? Then I don't know... Have Kenny beat the shit out of her! That last parts up to you I don't really need anything to happen after the sex I didn't know if you had any ideas! If you do this I'll buy you whatever the hell you want? It could be some new torture device or a car or some fucking Starbux just anything! So please do this for me! I'll keep asking if you want so plz! I'll buy you anything! I'll give you a human sacrifice just anything! For me my dude!"
"I'd rather drink Lincoln's cum again than drink Starbucks, but, lesbian sex is nice," Flagg says. He pulls out his gun and aims it at Lola. "You heard the man, eat your sister's pussy!"
"Fine," she sighs.
Lana looks uncomfortable.
"Take off your overalls," Flagg commands.
Swallowing hard, she unclasps them and pulls them off, followed by her underwear. She spreads her legs.
In his chair, Flagg twitches. "Wait a minute!"
Everyone looks at him.
"I'm getting a psychic vision here," he says, putting his fingers to his temple and closing his eyes. "Max Hero is back in the comments section, using it like his own personal inbox and sending reply after reply after reply. I thought you could only comment once per chapter."
Flagg shakes his head.
"Something about holding down the fort...keeping me from killing people...well, I've already killed two people today, but you know what? Before we continue with our regularly scheduled programming, we're gonna deal with this shit. I'm going to kill someone else and you, dear reader, are going to choose who." Flagg touches his chin. "Should it be Leni...Luna...Lisa...or Lincoln? Cast your vote now."
