Sorry for another delay, but this one took a little bit to get how I liked it. :3


Jim returned to her room with a sigh. The anger had slowly faded to a dull pilot light inside her, overshadowed now by a deep feeling of sadness and hurt. Walking over, he pulled open the drawer of his desk and took out a bottle of liquor and a glass. Pouring one, she tipped it back and drank about half in one go, grunting at the slow burn down her throat to her stomach. She usually saved this for a day with losses or bad news, but she figured as down as she felt it was appropriate for now. She sat in her desk chair, nursing the rest as she thought to herself.

Why…what did I do wrong? I mean, it was going so well…he was so open…did I push too much? She grimaced, realizing she sounded like one of those desperate girls she used to meet up with who didn't understand he wasn't looking for anything serious. Oh irony…ha, that's not right though. I mean, I'm not in love with Spock. That would be silly! In love with Spock. He's a Vulcan, he's not into romance. They mate for life, and probably do it all logically…except his dad…And I'm not a girl, not really, I don't want romance. I Captain Kirk, I don't commit to anything by my ship. She's the only lady I need…

She took another sip and glanced over at her table that stood between two chairs. The chess board was set up on top, all ready for what she had hoped that morning to be a match later if she could track down Spock. Standing, she took her glass over and sat in one of the chairs, looking down at the chess set. They had started playing on the computer, but she (he at the time) had surprised them both by buying a real set when they were at a station one day. It was a simple set made of plastic, nothing expensive or showy. It had been just right for them to play with, quieter than the computer game with it's sound effects. She smiled when she recalled Spock's annoyed frown at the computer when a good move was made and the "audience" would clap, the "wa wa" music when someone lost a piece and so forth. He'd laughed and told him to just turn the sound off, but he had argued they wouldn't now if an important message came through then. There was never a time one did come, but he humored him.

The night Jim showed him the actual chess set though, he'd been happy to see a little twinkle and warmth in his eyes. Spock evidently preferred real chess to computer. Jim thought slightly it was because he could touch a real chess set, see what was really happening. The fact there were no obnoxious sound effects was a plus too for him, he was sure.

Reaching out, Jim picked up the black king and looked it over. She recalled when it had taken cover under the bench on the observation deck and both she and Spock had gone after it. The feeling of Spock's hand on hers was still vivid. It hadn't felt normal, the way his fingers buzzed over her skin like little charges of static were going through them. Yet it hadn't been unpleasant. She missed the feeling, honestly. And that brief moment their fingertips touched had felt like a current being completed and she could feel the tingle all the way up her arm.

Why did it seem familiar?

Sitting back, she pressed her glass against her temple as if to ward off the coming headache her whirling thoughts was producing.

Why…why do I keep thinking about it…why do I keep thinking about him…when did he become such a big part of my life that I feel so lost when he says he doesn't want to be around me anymore? Why do I care? Why do I miss him? Why do I wish he was here? WHY?

I need a shower.

Setting the black king down without looking, she didn't notice it fall over and the black king fall on top as she headed for the shower.

She was glad the private rooms had water based heated showers. She turned it on, listened to the slight whine then his as it came out the shower head and stripped her clothes off. Stepping in, she sighed and turned it to what most would consider a little too hot, but she felt oddly cold and wanted to scald that feeling out of her skin.

I'm cold…always cold lately...Spock's so warm…

She moved on autopilot, cleaning her hair, then her skin. Sometimes she would take a little time to enjoy the sensitive parts of her body during a shower, but this time she didn't feel any pleasure as she washed. Her mind was still revolving around Spock, what he said, the hurt, and the chess board that was probably going to collect dust now.

Turning off the water, she just stood there and rested her head against the cool tile wall, shivering as the cold came back. The humid air actually had her relatively dry soon enough, but her face still felt oddly wet. Reaching up, she gasped when she felt the twin tracks of moister down her cheeks. She pulled away and reached up to scrub her arm across her face, trying to erase them.

"Goddamit, James," she growled to herself. "Pull yourself together, you are not some weepy little girl who got rejected by her crush. You are James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, renowned ladies man, awesome man of action…you don't…cry…" The last was a choke of disgust as she grabbed the towel from the rack and cupped her face, cursing herself in all the languages she knew (curse words and insults, along with flirtatious compliments, having been the first thing Jim learned). The cold and the tightness in her chest wouldn't go away even when the tears stopped though.

What the hell is wrong with me?


Spock entered the office with a blank face, not enthused to be there. He and Dr. McCoy had never seen eye to eye, and though they weren't violent with each other arguing was the usual outcome of their conversations. Whatever he wanted to discuss, he was sure it meant a rant on the doctor's part.

"Spock, sit down. You and I need to talk."

"I would prefer to remain standing, Dr. McCoy. And to my knowledge we have not pressing matters to discuss."

"Shut the hell up." The doctor cam around his desk and leaned against it with his arms crossed, glaring at the Vulcan even more heatedly than normal. "Where the hell do you get off?"

"Doctor?"

"Don't you "Doctor?" me, you pointy eared jackass. Where do you get off treating your friends like this?"

Spock's face became even more deadpanned if that was possible, his eyes half closing. "I see. You have spoken with the Captain?"

"No shit, now answer the question."

"The feelings and emotions elicited by my companionship with Captain Kirk would interfere with my duties-"

"Since when? Site me an instance in the last week you've been "interfered with" because of your emotions?"

"If you had paid attention, Doctor, you would've noticed the future tense of my statement in inferring that with the…development of any attachment to my captain would eventually interfere with my duties."

"So you're a fucking coward is what your saying?"

Spock's eyebrow twitched and his lips tightened slightly. "I am merely taking preemptive measures."

"No, what you're doing is being a Vulcan moron."

"Dr. McCo-"

"Shut the hell up. You actually broke off your friendship with Jim because you think it could have a bad effect on how the ship is run?"

"Essentially yes. The probability is-"

"I don't care about numbers, Spock. Numbers can't tell you everything, despite what you may think."

"I find that unlikely."

"Alright, then can a number tell you how Jim felt about this?"

"…Probability is that the captain was more than likely slightly upset. However I estimate she will get over this in a few days."

"Uh huh. Now what would you say if our Captain came to me bitching about you, not understanding why you did that, and actually cried a little?"

Spock's eyes widened, his amazing mind actually halting at a loss for a response to that. "T…The captain cried?"

"Just a little, but yeah. She likes you…a lot."

Spock's ears turned green and McCoy arched his eyebrows. He turned away from McCoy, looking thoughtful. "…Our professional relationship is more important than any personal."

"Yeah, cause lord knows being friends with your captain, knowing him well enough to anticipate his moves, understand his meaning behind certain words in a high risk situation and both of you wanting to keep each other alive through whatever happens in this floating deathtrap is not a good thing. Unless this is part of your master plan to get Jim killed in action so you can take over the-"

"I desire no such thing!"

Bones' eyebrows rose quite high. Though his voice wasn't a decibel higher, the words were clipped and rushed. He had a feeling that was the everyday Vulcan equivalent of yelling. "…Okay, so you don't want Jim dead anymore."

Spock winced at that, which was just a twitch below his eye, and remained turned away. McCoy had to admit, the man was in a bad way to have all these tell tale signs of what he's feeling and thinking. He'd marveled at how well Jim could read the Vulcan, and now he got a feeling this must be how it was done. "Indeed."

"…Spock…how do you actually feel about Jim?"

If he thought the Vulcan couldn't be anymore rigid he was wrong. He looked like a wax dummy. "…I…truly do not mind the captain's company…"

"Uh huh, I got that much. I'm wondering how much you "don't mind" his company."

Spock didn't answer, but the fact he didn't answered the question well enough.

"…Well, it might be just as well you cut ties with her. I mean, there's no way you could be the kind of friend she needs."

Spock's lips twitched downward. "What do you mean, doctor?"

"Well, you obviously understand nothing about Jim. At all."

The Vulcan gave him the closest thing to a glare.

"It's true. Otherwise you'd understand Jim calling you a friend was a big honor he didn't take lightly."

"The captain has many friends."

"Yeah, but not many he calls friend. Ya see, before he came to the Academy Jim wasn't exactly a social butterfly. He was more inclined to get into fights and hit on anyone he talked to, not make friends. He didn't really have friends in highschool, wasn't there enough to really make them…didn't have to be there as smart as that idiot is."

"…you are insinuating the captain is a 'loner' as they say?"

"Insinuating nothing, he was. But the other thing is, he craves contact. Being with people. I was with him the most in the academy, the only one who was really close to him, and I saw that while he tried not to be close to anyone, he wanted to be. The kid is fucking lonely. And now he has us, everyone here on the Enterprise who he's coming to call friend. And you pull this shit on him!?"

Spock tensed at the sudden venom in his voice.

"Goddammit, you Vulcan bastard, do you have any idea how much that hurt? For the first time in forever he's letting himself trust a big group of people, get close to them, like them and call them his friends rather than just "a guy I know" or "a girl who turned me down". And then you do this? Do you realize you might've put him at risk of just going back to being that lonely arrogant jerk who keeps people at a distance because you are the one who has a damn problem with being close?"

McCoy couldn't tell from the slight twitch in his eyebrows and the way he stood that he was beginning to be sufficiently shamed.

"Instead, you thinking your damn feelings will get in the way may have just given us a captain that's going to rely on himself rather than his crew and do you realize how much danger that could put himself as well as the rest of us in?"

"…Human psychology is…not predicable."

"You don't have to tell me, jackass. But I guess that doesn't matter to you since you're not his friend." Spock looked down, eyes thoughtful, and Bones sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if you even have a heart." And what that idiot could see in you…

"…I…do not find Captain Kirk's company…disagreeable."

Bone's arched his own eyebrows at him. The soft, barely heard admission was not the norm for the second in command of the ship. "Come again?"

"I do not find the Captain's company disagreeable. I…enjoy the captain's company. He…she is…not like anyone I've ever met…" Spock was blushing a fair shade of green across his cheeks, refusing to meet Bones' eyes.

Bones' eyes widened. Though unremarkable by human standards, he was pretty sure that was the Vulcan equivalent of a confession. "Wait, so you do like Jim?"

"Affirmative."

"…You like Jim a lot?"

Spock was silent and Bones pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath, knowing what that silence meant. Dear god, I got stuck in a stupid romance novel with two oblivious protagonists. I'm a doctor, not a matchmaker! But since these two are probably to stubborn and dense enough to get together on their own…

"Okay, you, come with me. We're taking a walk as we talk and you're going to listen."

"Could we not speak here, Doctor?"

"No, cause I think better when I walk. Now c'mon, most people are on shifts you big baby, no one's going to overhear us. Just let me grab something." He rifled through a drawer quickly and stuffed something in his pocket before heading for the door.

"I assure you, doctor, I have reached Vulcan maturity…" Spock grumbled. He could say it wasn't a grumble, but Bones knew grumbling when he heard it. Jim hadn't titled him the grumbling king for nothing.

"Yeah, woop de doo for you. Now listen, I'm figuring you turned Jim away like that cause A) you're trying to get rid of your "unvulcan" feelings, B) You're scared of what could happen, and C) you're scared of getting your heart broken."

"…The heart is a muscle, not a bone, as I'm sure you should be aware Doctor. It cannot be broken," he said quietly.

"Crushed then," he spat as they walked to the turbolift and he punched a button. "The point is you. Are. A. Fucking. Coward. …you pointy-eared bastard," he added as an afterthought.

"You have said as much before…"

"Well I'm saying it again cause you keep proving me right. Now, no one says you're going to admit to these feelings and everything is going to be crepes in Paris, and Cardashian sunrises on a beach on Vega 6. But hell, is making you both miserable really worth trying to kill it before it starts?" He exited the lift and Spock followed, still deep in thought.

"…I will admit, my previous plan has…not been as fruitful as I had hoped…nor has it had the desired effect."

"I figured. So, you tried it the Vulcan way. Ready to try it the human way?"

"…What is the human way?"

"To suck it up and risk a good heart crush." He stopped and Spock looked up form his thoughtful gaze at the floor to realize he had followed McCoy right to Jim's room.

"…I am…uncertain how to go about such a thing."

"Well, word to the wise, apologizing in this case would be a good start. Telling her you were wrong and that you do want to be friends. And if the mood is right, tell her you have a crush on her."

"I do not wish to harm the captain in such a manner," he replied, sounding surprised for a Vulcan.

"What harm…oh right, you're not good with euphemisms…" Bones sighed and wracked a hand through his hair. "Tell her you have a romantic infatuation towards her you would like to pursue."

Bones had to admit seeing Spock's still straight face turn a sudden shade of green from his ears to his neck was pretty funny. His eyes were a little wider and his mouth a little thinner and if it weren't for the fact he was on a mission, Bones would take a picture and tease him mercilessly for the remaining four years of their mission.

"I…Am uncertain to what you are refer-"

"Don't even try it, Vulcan moron. Playing dumb doesn't suit you and is the same as lying. Other's may not see it, or realize it, but I've had to listen to you enough to know when certain words mean certain things. That being said, either get the girl or still be her friend, but don't you fucking break, or crush, her heart like that again."

"…You…are a good friend, Dr. McCoy."

Bones was surprised before smirking a little. "No shit. And now, my last bit of wisdom." He was suddenly a little too close for the Commander's taste, staring him in the eyes. "This is not encouragement, nor is it acceptance, but dammit I know when you go in there something is more than likely going to happen and I don't want to deal with certain possible after effects. At the least I'm hoping you two finally take your heads out of the sand and get something going that'll make her, or him, happy. That being said, you hurt Jim again, male or female, I guarantee you're suddenly going to have seven different forms of STDs without the S involved, if you catch my drift."

Spock stared in shock, though it looked more like just widened set of eyes at the growl of sincerity in the CMO's voice.

"You heard me." He pressed something into the Vulcan's hand and at the same time managed to override Jim's door with his other hand and open it, shoving the shell shocked Vulcan in. "Now make love, not war, jerk." The door closed and Spock was left standing at just inside his captain's room. Looking down curiously, his he breathed in sharply through his nose to see McCoy had given him a condom.


Okay, will hopefully have the next one done sooner. Also, I decided to have Jim cry more for a few reasons, one of them being that he just doesn't know how to deal with feelings like this and since he has no one else he would probably feel comfortable confiding in (having already talked to Bones) she just kind of broke down. There's another reason, but you will find out later…