The secret's out:
Grace remembered feeling so good. Alight and glowy with a new found joy.
They seemed to move about each other like a harmony - her son and Anastasia. The pretty and shy, blue eyed girl her son had just announced he would have as his wife and she stood by with a big smile and rosy cheeks.
How tender and sweet Grace felt as she pursued them with blessings and happy words.
Grace had nightmares before, bad bad thoughts that her son would die all alone and never reveal what was hidden inside him, that secret she knew he kept bottled up and tucked neatly in the cabinet of his mind. Grace knew her son, knew he carried about a sadness. For it was written not just his dreams but by the distance he had always had to keep. Now, it seemed Ana had slowly begun to ply herself under the rusted armor, decayed by years spent too long in the waters of self-loathing.
Christian was smiling, it was hard to believe he was that same, frightened boy in the hospital, the boy behind the blue door...
"I'm so happy for you my son" Carrick came up behind his wife, his hand on her lower back, catching her elated grins as she nodded enthusiastically, in fervent agreement.
"Thank you" Their sons voice soft and gentle, it had seemed a moment too beautiful to be ruined. But it turned out it was..
Grace would think over that moment for the rest of her life with a stirring rage and betrayal, sadness, hurt...regret. It was almost too much for any mother to bear. But grace was strong, very strong and she always was.
As she had passed down the corridor, leading from her white stairs, she heard a ruckus, following the sounds to the door where the noises were erupting from...
Christian's voice like venom...Was that Elena's she also heard?
Grace fell into a creeping silence, the argument catching her with an awful pit in her stomach, an essence of a sixth sense, when a realization dimply occurs in your subconscious...You are about to hear something you do not want to know...
But you must hear it, for as it's said, curiosity is greater than fear.
The door itself had been left unshut, the hinges slightly peeking open and she slid her skinny fingers through the cracks, silently opening it.
Her sons back faced her, no one had noticed her entry, as there was a tight whispering coming from Christian, she could barely understand...
What she did understand and without a doubt miss was the sexual tension underneath it all, how Christian was mumbling about them being "done" but he was looking at Elena...Odd...The way she looked at him... Grace's hands began to shake as her blonde friend kept talking and talking about how she was the one for him...How she knew how he liked it.
Grace couldn't hear any longer, her ears rang with a fury, nearly blinding her. That was her fucking friend.
Elena was her fucking friend! Grace had confided in her with all those concerns over Christian and his childhood and she took advantage.. She took advantage of her son. Of her beautiful and sad and lonely little boy.
Possessed by the gripping anger and pure, unforgiving vengeance - Grace finally spoke.
It was barely a sound...Nothing if not a whisper and in it, was the ancient instinct of ones mother to protect her child, a fierceness that when reckoned with, was as mighty as the fury of a king.
"Get out of my house." Was all she could pour from her soul, there was too much...too much of this hollow sadness in her heart.
Three heads whipped with a staggering speed at the sound of a new, emerging voice in the room, and all Christian could take in was the shaking figure of his mother. Of all people, this was the very worst. Not his mom... Not his angel.
God...God no. He cried to himself in his head. Utter shame engulfing him.
Grace walked over, her head held straight, looking only at Elena - for now, her eyes did not even catch her sons... The betrayal was clear, the anger not mistaken and Christian briefly looked to his Ana, her face was of sympathy as she eyed Grace.
Who in a swift and utterly stunning move, slapped the blonde across the face. A burning sting plaguing her right hand, as it met with a great force to the ladies cheek. It was a satisfying sound, echoing off the silent walls.
Elena reached to feel where she had been hit, wide eyed and bewildered with shock and pain. The secret was out. She saw the once hazel, brown eyes that looked on her with friendship and compassion was now only the hard, cold stare of a stranger.
Elena left without a single glance to her old, young lover. Grace watched her go in silence, wishing there had been retaliation, so she could shed all the angry thoughts brewing in her head.. The vicious ones. To call Elena a molester, a rapist, a disgusting old woman who used and abused pretty boys like her son. HER son. She wanted to yell at her, to scream and shout out the years old frustrations. But there was no chance, her friend was gone and she would not speak to her again.
"Would you give me a minute alone with my son?" Grace had locked eyes with Christian, who was abashed in mewling disappointment with himself and Ana snapped back into the room, as she had been somewhere off in her mind, lost in the intensity and drama unfolding before her.
"Of course" She blinked at the sweet woman who barely gave her a glance, she couldn't take her eyes off of her son, as if she had, he would disappear forever, sink to the depths of the ocean, like her nightmare, where she could never again reach him...
The boy was scared as his Anastasia left the room The same fear as the fear from childhood.
What is she going to do? Does she hate me? She has to hate me. No. No. I ruin everything. I ruin everything. Why do I break everything? I must do it on purpose... She hates me. I hate myself. I wish I could cry, but I do not deserve the release. I deserve all this pain...
"When did this start?"
"I was fifteen." Though Christian was hesitant, he owed her his answers, his honesty, he could not abandon her with this look on her face and all the questions she must have.
The woman swallowed hard. "For how long?"
"About five years."
"Christian." She gasped, hurt spilling from her every pore. "I let you go there! Christian oh my god for all those years..." Her voice broke and she fumbled with her strength, that seemed to be wearing thin. "Oh my god, baby I' am so sorry. How - How..." Her voice churned with chagrin.
"It is not your fault at all. Don't blame yourself. Please, mom, please."
"How could you not tell me?" She grasped the boy by his shoulders, still always trying to get near him and he froze, frightened. He did not know how to answer her. What should he say? That he was too fucked up and he liked it? Because he felt undeserving of her? Why? Why? He never knew why.
"I'm sorry mom." Christian said, holding back his own verge of tears. "I' am so sorry."
"Why? Why do you feel like you can't tell me anything? I've been here for you long enough haven't I? Have I ever done anything to make you feel you can't trust me? I-" Grace halted her rant, her honest, heart wrenching rant and regained her strength as she saw her son falling to pieces before her.
"I'm so sorry." He repeated. "I'm so sorry. I know you must hate me I -"
"Listen to me" Her voice harsh, trying to make clear her honesty. "I could never hate you. Ever. Understand?"
Christian stayed quiet until his mom stomped her little foot "Christian! What must I prove to have your trust!" A bitter exhaustion claiming her as her eyes pleaded to him.
He choked over his words, backing up from her like he always did when she opened too much to him. It was physically and mentally draining, he could barely suck in a breath, the overwhelming need for solace. All due to his belief that he was undeserving of this truth, of this love.
"Mom - " A silent beg, one showing he was near the edge, she was reaching to close...
It would have been ideal to let it go, she knew she could not force trust out of the scared little boy, but her patience was a rubber-band, it could only stretch so far before it would snap back onto itself
Her sigh was sad and lonesome, she shook her head, absent minded, trying to wave off the demons that must be making this awful reality.
"I just - I- I' am so sad" Grace let her face fall into her palms, silent tears running through the creases... "So sad that even when you were finally my son, I couldn't protect you, I couldn't make you see my love, I failed you. I failed you and it makes my heart so sad."
Christian hugged his mom and kissed her forehead. A brief description of his love and sorrow. "You have never failed me, mom."
He had never seen Grace so undone, so utterly hurt and...such a mess. All of this, due to him. It seemed he had been her greatest heartache and it bothered him, wounding him in a deep place that could never be recovered.
Grace smiled, a tiny feeble grin to her kid, putting on her soldier's mask. "Okay, we are going to go back out there and finish this party." She wiped her tears away and her determination to make it through all of this made her son feel brave and he smiled down at her.
"Okay." He agreed and they walked out hand in hand...
