Nothing Ever Goes As Planned- Chapter 12
This chapter is a bit angsty, as Steph deals with the aftermath of her ordeal. Please leave reviews, as I live for them.
Steph's POV
I finished hugging Lester, then invited all the guys to come over. They had been treating me like a fragile, antique lamp that had been broken and glued back together. Like they were afraid I would fall apart if they even said the wrong thing.
" Guys, I know …well, I ..know that you have been trying to avoid me so I won't feel uncomfortable around you. But, it…made me feel like, that you were mad at me, or that you hated me." All the guys protested at that.
" Bomber, you know we don't hate you," Lester said, appalled. All the guys looked uncomfortable.
Zip's " Well, we figured you don't want a bunch of guys hanging around you, reminding you of…what, happened…" I noticed that none of the guys used the words "rape" or "sexual assault" they always said " what happened" or " when you got attacked." I knew they didn't want to remind me of it.
I looked at all the handsome faces. Hell, was that on the Rangeman job application? Applicants have to be drop dead gorgeous? All of the handsome faces were looking at me with confusion and concern.
" I love you guys. And I know you all care about me. I honestly don't know what I need. Sometimes, I get tense when someone touches me. Sometimes, I get nervous just around you guys because you are guys. I know you all care for me, that none of you would ever hurt me. I can't tell you what I need from you because I am not sure myself. But I do know that I need you all to treat me like you did before the r..incident. I don't want you all to feel uncomfortable around me or avoid me. I couldn't bear it. Please, just treat me like you normally would. And I definitely would like a hug now and then."
I wound up crying again, dammit. There were choruses of 'sure, Steph." And Lester gave me another hug.
I have been going to therapy since it happened. Ranger found the best therapist in Trenton, a woman who specializes in sexual assault victims. The guys have been great about taking me. I know Ranger is concerned about me, but he has been going out of his way to respect my privacy. He never asks me how therapy is going or what I talked about. Probably the guys have been told to respect my privacy , too. Ranger or Bobby will ask me " How am I feeling?" or "Do I need anything?" , but that's about it.
I don't really want to talk about what happened, not to a therapist or anyone. In fact, I really don't remember many of the details. Just the feeling of being scared and violated. In fact, I am not even sure that I was raped, since I don't remember it. The hospital assured me that the rape kit was positive. My therapist says I have "blocked it out." Or maybe I am just in denial. Maybe I am. Maybe in my mind the rape never happened because I can't remember it. Then, why do I feel so scared and violated?
Ranger's POV
It has been so damn hard for me since Steph got out of the hospital. It kills me to see her crying, and hurting so much. But I am afraid to give her any comfort, because, well, I am a guy. The last thing I want is to remind Steph of him, of what happened. I have been very careful to respect her privacy. I have gotten her a therapist, and encourage her to go, but I never ask her about it, and have ordered the guys not to, either. I am frustrated because I want to support her, but I don't know how. I spoke with Dr. Marsden, her therapist, about what I can do to help Stephanie through this, but she really wasn't much help.
I had just finished with some paperwork when there was a knock at my door, then Steph popped her head in. "Um, Ranger, can I talk to you?"
" Oh, shit. Here it comes. I need to be supportive", I thought to myself. "Sure, babe, have a seat." She hobbled in on her crutches, and sat down. I pulled over another chair so she could put her leg up.
I could tell she was nervous, and she wanted to get to the point before she chickened out. "Ranger, I know that Monroe, well, that he sent you tapes of him torturing me." Shit. I was hoping she wouldn't remember that Monroe taped a lot of what had happened. "Is there a tape, of, the actual, you know, …the… rape?" I worked hard to remain expressionless. Yes, there was a tape of the rape, that fucker Monroe had taped everything he did to her. But why would she want to see it?
" Yes, but.." I started, but she interrupted me, wanting to get it out before she lost her nerve. " I want to see it." What the fuck?
"Steph, I don't think that's a good idea. No one has seen it, not even me. As soon as I realized what it was, I shut it off. I only kept it in case the cops needed it. I don't think it's a good idea for you to watch it. Why do you want to relive that again?"
" Ranger, I have to see it. How can I get over the rape when I can't even remember it? My mind blocked it out, according to Dr. Marsden. Part of me doesn't even believe I was raped. I need to see it so I can remember , then I can get over it. " She looked so fragile and delicate, but damn, that was gutsy, wanting to watch herself being raped. Still, I didn' t want her to ever see that, ever. " Did Dr. Marsden say you should do this?"
"No, but she said I blocked out the rape so I wouldn't have to suffer the pain. I am already suffering the pain, but I don't exactly remember why. And If I don't remember it, then I can deny it happened, and I don't want to do that. I need to know what happened so that I can get over it."
That sounded like a completely silly argument to me, but if she thought it would help.
I sighed. "Ok, if Dr. Marsden agrees that you should see it, then you can." Shit. How was I going to do this. " I wanted her to do it on 7, in my apartment, so that no one could see her, but I could be there if she needed me. But then, I didn't want her associating my apartment with those bad memories. Maybe we could use a conference room, but cut the camera feeds. NO WAY did I want my guys seeing her watch herself get raped.
I had to think about this. " Why don't you go grab some lunch, and I'll make arrangements." She gave me a tiny smile and hobbled off to the breakroom.
No sooner did she leave than I called Dr. Marsden. " Dr. , This is Carlos Manoso. I am Stephanie Plum's employer and friend. She may have told you that when she was kidnapped, the kidnapper made tapes of much of the torture and rape to send them to me to bait me. Steph says she doesn't really remember the rape, and wants to see the video. I don't think it is a good idea, it'll be too traumatic for her. If she doesn't remember that is a good thing, right? Should I let her see it?"
Dr. Marsden said, " Mr. Manoso, I have told Stephanie often that she is lucky to have a friend like you. It is obvious that you care for her a great deal. I cannot tell you what we discuss in therapy, but you know she doesn't remember the rape, and that is frustrating for her . You also know that Steph has repeatedly denied being raped, because she can't remember it. If Steph feels that watching the tape and remembering will give her more power, then you should let her. If she wants to see the tape, I believe you should show it to her. But give her as many choices about the details as possible, so she feels in control. Just make sure to schedule the appointment with me for the first thing the next day so she can talk about it."
Fuck. I was hoping she'd say NOT to let Steph see it. This was not going to be pretty.
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I had Steph come to the conference room on 4 at 7:00. Hector had fixed the cameras there , so that the only one who could see in was me in my office. I wanted to know if Steph needed me. No one in the control room could see in the conference room. None of the guys, except Bobby, knew what was happening. I only told Bobby so that he could give her something afterwards to make her sleep. I did NOT want her having nightmares about this.
I got the chairs set up so she could put up her leg and be as comfortable as possible. I gave her a bottle of water and some tissues. I figured she might need them. Getting comfortable to watch yourself being raped, weird huh? She chose a seat near the door of the conference room and settled down, putting her feet up.
She looked so fragile, yet determined sitting there. I was proud of her for facing this, but worried about her at the same time.
"Are you sure you want to see this, babe?"
" No, I don't WANT to, but I HAVE to," she said determinedly.
I put the video in, preset to the part about the rape, and gave her the remote. Dilemma time. Do I stay, in case she needs me, or let her have total privacy? I kissed her on the forehead, then, said, " Just call if you need me."
I was halfway out the door when a wobbly voice said, " Ranger, will you please stay with me?" Fuck. How could I not? " Sure, babe," I said. I so fucking did NOT want to sit here and watch her get raped. But if she wanted me here, then I would be. No question. I sat down in a chair across the table from her.
Nothing that has ever happened to me in my life, not my Ranger training, not being tortured, was as unbearable as watching that Fucker Monroe rape Stephanie. My hands were gripping the armrests of the chair so tightly, I was pretty sure they'd leave dents. I could feel my blood throbbing through my veins and my blood pressure was probably high enough to make my head explode. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was keep a neutral expression on my face. I didn't want Steph to see me react to the brutalities done to her. My head was turned toward the screen, but I watched her out of the corner of my eye.
At first , she watched herself get attacked dispassionately, as if she were seeing it happen to someone else. Her body was tight and she flinched a couple of times when Monroe hit her. The room was filled with nothing but the sounds of her screaming on the video and Monroe yelling and hitting her.
During the worst part of the rape, I noticed tears in her eyes, and she curled up her good leg on the chair next to her and wrapped her arms around herself as if to comfort herself. She hugged herself, and cringed back in her chair, crying , making little gaspy sounds.
I wanted so badly to go to her and hold her, but I knew that my arms around her wouldn't be a help right now. She tensed with every time Monroe plowed into her, and she cringed as the scene got more violent. I could tell that she now remembered this as actually happening to her.
After about 25 minutes or so, she was crying and shaking. She hobbled up, grabbed her crutches, and said, " I have to go," and hobbled out of the room. I shut off the video. Watching her get raped, and seeing the pain in her eyes as she watched it, made me want to break things. I wanted so badly to break Monroe's into a million pieces, but I settled for throwing a lamp against the wall.
Part of me wanted to follow Steph, in case she needed me, the other part wanted to let her have her privacy. After a couple minutes, the phone in the conference room rang.
"Yo."
"Ranger, is Ram in the control room. I just saw Stephanie take the elevator to the roof. Is everything ok?"
"What is she doing there?"
"She is just sitting there leaning against the concrete of the HVAC unit. I can't see much since there are a lot of dead spots up there."
"Let me talk to Bobby."
"Yeh, boss, " Bobby came on.
"Bobby, I had Steph watched the video we talked about earlier."
"Shit. Is she ok?"
" Yeah, she went up to the roof to be alone. Turn off the cameras up there to give her some privacy. You go up there and keep an eye on her but don't intrude unless you think she is in danger. And don't let her see you."
I felt bad sending Bobby up there. I wanted to give Steph as much privacy as I could to deal with her emotions, but I was not going to leave her totally alone. Bobby would be discreet.
Forty minutes later, Bobby reported in, saying Steph was still on the roof, just sitting there, crying. I had let her have enough privacy. Besides, it was cold and she'd freeze up there.
I got to the roof and saw Steph, sitting on the concrete, leaning against the wall to the HVAC unit, between the entrance door and the HVAC. It was one of the few places where the camera wouldn't be able to see her. Bobby was standing in a doorway across the roof from her, where he could see her, bus she couldn't see him. I dismissed him with a nod.
She was huddled on the ground, shaking with the cold. She looked as vulnerable as a child. I put the blanket I had brought around her shoulders and wrapped her tightly in it. I just sat there quietly for a few minutes, watching the sky, listening to her sob. Letting her know I was there if she wanted me.
Finally, after a few minutes, her sobbing lessened and she sniffed, " Ranger, I remember everything now. But, does watching that video, seeing what happened, does it make you want me less? Like I am damaged or ruined." She started to cry at that last word.
I couldn't resist anymore, I grabbed her and held her, letting her cry into my shoulder. I could feel her shaking, even through the blanket. It was a cold night.
" Steph, watching that video was torture for me, because I hate seeing you hurt. And I think it took a lot of courage for you to watch that. "
I grabbed her face from my shoulder and held her chin gently so she had to meet my eyes.
"Babe, what he did to you is on him, not on you. HE is the one who is damaged. You are strong and courageous. He wanted to have power over you and kill you, but who has the power now? Who killed who? Who is alive and who isn't? You totally took the power away from him by blowing his brains out. By surviving. And that doesn't make you less attractive to me. It makes you more so because you are brave and courageous. Nothing HE did is going to make you less attractive to me. "
"The guys are afraid of me," she sobbed. I had to smile at that. Shit. Part of me was afraid of her, too.
" Its only because they want to help you heal, but they don't know how. And they are afraid of doing the wrong thing. We men are stupid about emotional things, you know." She grinned slightly at that.
" But you know, me and the guys, we'd do anything for you. Hell, they all confessed to murder for you. And we all wish we could kill Monroe again, more painfully this time, for what he did to you."
She grinned again at that. I was glad to see a grin on her face. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her lips were swollen. She had circles under her eyes.
" Lets go down to 7 before we freeze our asses off." I grabbed her and helped her up and helped her wobble to my apartment.
She wanted a bath first, so I set her up in my Jacuzzi tub with lots of Bulgari, since that seemed to soothe her. Hell, watching that video made me feel dirty too.
I gave her a t shirt and sweats and tucked her tightly under my blankets. She took the pill Bobby gave her, that he guaranteed me would make her sleep all night with no nightmares. I shut out the lights, but she protested the total darkness. Stupid me, I should have known that would upset her. I put on a small lamp in the living room whose light came dimly into the bedroom. I wanted to get into bed with her, but after what she had just relived, I didn't think she'd want any guy near her.
I pulled up a chair next to the bed and sprawled in it, listening to Steph's breathing turn deep and even as she fell asleep. I could have slept on the couch, but I wanted her to know I was here if she needed me. As I watched her small form lie still under the covers and listened to her soft breathing, I decided I was glad she had watched the video. It gave her power and would help her to heal.
