Author's Note: Thank you for the new follows and favorites! It makes me so happy to know that people enjoy reading this story. I know it's been a little over two weeks since the last update, but I'm done with exams now and on winter break, so hopefully I'll find time to write more. The next update after this chapter will be coming soon, I promise. :) Please enjoy this and leave a review if you can.
Pokiepup: I'm really glad you like the ending. :) It was something I had to really think hard about before writing, because some people really shipped Paige and Audra and some didn't. The parting was sweet though, right? ;) It wasn't something I was planning to write, but it came through in the end. I apologize for not updating right away because of the exams in the past weeks, but I see that you haven't been either so I don't feel so bad. ;) Your story is AWESOME! Why wouldn't I love it the way I do? You need to update! I'm waiting. Thank you so much for your support all this time! I hope that you enjoy this chapter just as much as the previous ones. Have a wonderful day, okay? :)
Rushi: I had you in mind when I was writing the previous chapter. I was like, "Hm, how would Rushi like to see this Paige/Audra scene played out…?" Sean totally reminds me of you for sure. The ending was also for you! :) I knew how much you shipped Paily and it was really hard for me to let Audra go, but I partly did it for you. Thank you for always coming back to read. I really love hearing from you, and I didn't know many way to show you how much I appreciate your support so I decided to write in that "surprise ending" for you. Please enjoy this chapter! I do hope that you have a good day! :)
Rain'sMistress: I LOL for SOOOO LONG after reading your review. Sean may be a cockblock, BUT he is pretty amazing and a likable character. I was hoping that the Paily shippers would enjoy his intrusion on Paige's date with Audra. You need to update your story! I can't wait to read more. I've been waiting and waiting while studying for exams, and now exams are over and I'm done writing this chapter but you haven't even updated yet. :( I'm so glad that you enjoy my story. It's so flattering that you do. Thank you so much for the review! It made my day, really. I hope that you enjoy this chapter just as much as the previous one. You go have a wonderful day too, alright? ;)
H: Thank you for the story even though my writing is not up to par. I really appreciate your honesty and all the constructive criticisms you've given me. I hope this one is all right to read for you. Small improvement is better than none, right? Thank you for returning and supporting this story! It really means so much and I'm glad that I'm fortunate enough to have you stop by and teach me how to improve my writing. I will always be grateful for that. I hope that you'll have a good day ahead. :)
Cici: I'm the bomber?! hahahahaha That's got to be one of the best compliments I've ever gotten. ;) Thank you so much! I totally ship McHastings too. I will keep that in mind for future chapters. I've seen so many Caleb/Paige bromance scenes that I really couldn't find it in myself to write more of that. Therefore I turned to Sean when I was re-watching the episode where Paige goes on a fake date with him. You will find out whether she's the self-sabotaging queen you think she is very soon. You know, I am SO surprised that you love the previous chapter THAT much. I was so prepared to not get many positive feedbacks and hearing from you was like…Wow. I was really sitting in one place for about ten or so minutes rereading your review because it really surprised me and made me so incredibly happy. ;) You are the best! Thank you for all of your positive reviews, they really make my day. Thank you so so so so so much for being so supportive all along! I hope that you enjoy this jampacked chapter too. Please have a wonderful day! :)
Jamscottroc54: I'm so happy to hear that the chapter made your day! Your review made MY DAY. ;) I was so sure that you would LOVE Sean. hahaha No matter how evil you think Sean is, I know FOR SURE that you loved him for being so evil! ;) Am I right, or am I right? hahaha OMG your irritated facial expressions gets me every time. I loved it when I read "She just needs to be awesome somewhere else, with someone else." in your review because that line was just so perfect and holds true for the story. ;) I'm still waiting on "the talk" too, but I hope that you enjoy this chapter nonetheless. I hope that you have a wonderful day! :)
Del: AHHH I was DYING by the time I got to your review because I can't BELIEVE how many people loved the previous chapter. I mean, it was a really nice surprised and when I got to your review, it was like "Alright, if Del says so too, it's got to be true." We do not know what happened between Paige and Emily yet before all of this happen. It will be coming up soon though. :) So…stay tune! hehehe Thank you SO MUCH for your wonderful reviews and kind words. I cannot thank you enough for how much YOU make me happy. Your happiness from reading this story is my happiness. ;) I hope you enjoy this update. Have a wonderful day!
Sazar: I'm glad you understand my justifications for Emily's actions and letting the car incident happen. The 3x08 déjà vu suggestion is really neat! I'll keep that in mind when I'm writing. I'm really glad that you found Sean's part entertaining. I was hoping it was not too outrageous and unbelievable. I mean, who invites themselves onto their friend's date and then invites other people onto their friend's date too? Only Sean would. Hahaha ;) I'm happy to know that you would've shipped Paily/Audra. It would've been a nice pairing. I just couldn't find it in myself to let them get to know each other on a deeper level and then go through all the drama and hurt when I have to break them up, you know? Audra doesn't deserve that. I'm so happy that you continue to love this story. You don't know how much that means to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm sorry for taking so long to update. Please have a wonderful day! :)
TheShawmeister: I just wanted to let you know that I received your virtual tap. Thank you! I finding myself laughing when you said you were flipping out at the McHastings scene. They're awesome together. ;) I'm glad you enjoy Sean's character as much as I do. It was really amusing to write his scenes. It was really hard for me to intrude on the date like that. I mean, I felt ENTIRELY AWKWARD because I was the one writing it. I'm sorry Paige can't remember the car ride! hahaha I kind-of wish she did too. God, I can only imagine what it'd be like when she does recall the car ride… hehe ;) I hope you enjoy this chapter. I wish you luck on your adventure in finding 'her' where you are. Have a beautiful day! :)
Gigabyte1: Can I tell you how much I LOVE your new story? It's so wonderful thus far. Your writing continues to affect me so much. ;) Hahahaha I'm so glad that you enjoy Sean's part and that you're growing to like Audra…now that she's out of the picture. I really love Paige and Spencer's relationship too. You have no idea! :) I apologize that this update wasn't quick, but I hope that you enjoy this chapter nonetheless. It is quite something. ;) Thank you for supporting this story and always coming back to give me positive feedbacks. I hope that you have a wonderful day! :)
Disclaimers: I do not own Pretty Little Liars.
Emily's POV
Hanna, Aria, and I decided to head over to Spencer's after lingering around the café for way too long. It was about an hour before noon, so we assumed she'd already gotten back from Melissa's. Hanna suggested that even if she hadn't come back, we could always let ourselves in with one of our spare keys she's given us and lounge around as we wait for her arrival. Fortunately, we saw her car in the driveway when we arrived and we knocked on the side door of her house out of customary code for polite behavior, so Spencer would come open the door. It didn't take her long before we saw her behind the glass door and heard the unclicking of the door lock.
"Hey guys, I didn't know we were having one of those 'unannounced party at Spencer's place' again today. What gives?" she asked jokingly. Hanna shoved the cup of coffee we got for Spencer into her hands and walked past her without any admonition. Spencer looked taken aback for a bit before regaining her composure and stepping aside to let us in. Aria and I shrugged on our way in and laughed when we saw Hanna's head tucked into the Hastings's fridge and then seeing her back out to place all the food and containers she dug out onto the kitchen counter.
"Oh, and you're welcome to raid my fridge anytime, Hanna," Spencer said sarcastically, and smirked when Hanna turned around and gave her a menacing glare.
"Spencer, I'm hungry. Why don't you guys have anything edible in here? How am I supposed to eat this?" Hanna asked as she lifted up a container with some kind of thick paste in it.
"That's hummus. It's a Middle Eastern dish." Spencer said as a matter of fact.
"Don't you have anything more filling to eat? Like leftover pizza or something?" she asked. Spencer shook her head and then went over to where Hanna was and put everything back into the fridge. Hanna pouted and tried to swat Spencer's hands away in vain. "Hey! I could've eaten that!" Hanna whined.
"No, you wouldn't have. How about we go play some tennis at the country club and have lunch there? My treat." Spencer said triumphantly. Hanna squealed and jumped onto Spencer. Luckily, Spencer had quick reflex and held onto her quickly to balance the two of them before they'd both fall over on the kitchen's floor. Hanna's legs were wrapped around Spencer's middle and her arms around her neck as Spencer held onto her. Aria and I turned to look at each other and then burst out laughing at the twosome.
"Emily, are you enjoying this as much as I am?" Aria turned to me again and asked, trying to contain her laughter. I quickly nodded and bumped shoulders with her. "I need a change of clothes though. Want to ride home with me?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure." I said and then turned to the duo, "Hey you guys, Aria and I are going to head back to her place so she can change. Do you want to come with us too, Hanna?" Spencer let go of Hanna, and she plopped back down onto her feet and turned to Spencer.
"Hey Spence, we're about the same size, well except I might be more endowed in some other areas than you are…but I think I can fit into your clothes. Can I borrow some of yours instead?" Hanna asked sweetly. Spencer turned to her and arched an eyebrow, as though daring Hanna to utter another word, but Hanna just rose up both hands into the air and raised her eyebrows in return. "Hey, I'm just sayin' homes. It's not my fault that I was blessed with these babies," she said while placing her hands over her breasts and giving them a squeeze. Aria and I laughed again and even Spencer tried to suppress a snicker at her.
"Fine, you can borrow my shirt and skort. As long as you try to tuck those babies away so you don't stretch out my clothes." she said to Hanna, and then turned to Aria and me. "How about you guys head over to the country club after Aria changes, and Hanna and I will meet you there?"
"Alright, sounds good. Come on Em, let's go." Aria said and led the way out of the house. When we got into the car, Aria cranked up the radio when we heard Iris by Goo Goo Dolls come on. Aria started singing along with the tune.
And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow,
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now…
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
When sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight…
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am…
"Wow! Aria, where did that voice come from?" I asked eagerly. I've never heard her sing like this before. What a bolt from the blue. That was so powerful, and incredibly heartfelt and true. Aria smiled shyly my way before turning her eyes back onto the road.
"I took some singing lessons in my spare time during the first semester this school year. It's a form of art." she said as we pulled up to her house. She turned off the engine and we both got out of the car and headed into her house. Walking up the stairs, I noticed that not much has changed since the last time I've been here. The mahogany walls have not faded much and the scent in the house remained the same. It was comforting to know that not everything has changed.
When we got to her room, I just sat down on her bed as she went and changed. When she came back in spandex shorts and a loose sleeveless shirt, I couldn't help but laugh at how adorable she looked.
"What? This is as 'jock-looking' as I can get Em," she teased. I threw a pillow her way but she caught it perfectly. So I stood up and walked out of her bedroom.
"Come on, let's hit the road, shorty!" I said as she trailed behind.
On the ride over to the country club, Aria and I talked about everything and anything there was to talk about. She briefly mentioned about three new friends she's made at school and how each one of them seemed to resemble Spencer, Hanna, and me in some ways. It was amazing how the four of us had gone through the last two years apart. Well, by the time she had rambled on about something with Ezra and their apartment, my head was already in the clouds, thinking about the previous night with Paige.
Perhaps we –
"Em, are you listening to me?" Aria's question shook me out of my trance, and I glanced over at her and saw a look of concern.
"Sorry, I had some other things on my mind," I explained and shrunk in my seat from getting caught by her. She nodded her head and did not press on about what had distracted me from our conversation, and turned her attention back onto the road. After a few minutes of silence, I felt as though the tension between us had unexplainably grown at an alarming rate, and I finally burst out telling her about the way I feel because of how guilty I felt keeping all of this to myself.
"Paige and I – we…we did it in the car last night," I quickly turned away and looked out the window in embarrassment as soon as the words escaped my lips. Almost immediately, the car came to an abrupt stop and I looked over to see Aria's shocked wide-eye expression. Her hands were still gripping the steering wheel quite tightly, but she had her entire upper body turned towards me.
"You did what?" she asked tentatively. I gave her the "Are you seriously asking me to explain in explicit details about what we did?" look and she opened her mouth, as if she was going to say something but nothing came out. She closed her mouth and then shook her head as though trying to get the mental picture out of her thoughts.
"Wait, I don't understand. Why was she asking me this morning if you've forgiven her after you guys, you know…last night? And in a car?" she asked, and confusion loomed over all parts of her facial features. That was a really good question. What was there to forgive? If anything, I should be the one apologizing.
"It was… Well, she was drunk…and I…should've stopped it…and…let me start from the beginning so it doesn't sound as bad as it probably does right now…from what I can tell of all those faces you're making."
I proceeded to tell her everything that happened from when I got to the bar until I left Paige in the car this morning. She didn't say a word, but rather nodded to acknowledge every single detail I told her. Truth be told, I was really a bundle of nerves retelling the events that happened the night before. It was like I was reliving those moments once more, and it's strange how my memories were bringing me to tears. In that moment, I had finally understood why she asked Aria if I've forgiven her yet. I let out a breath of frustration from all the sad memories that came back in a rush. No, no I haven't. It was just a moment. I got sucked into the moment and lost control. That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything to her. It never had. I have to remind myself of that. It will never mean anything to her.
"You should talk to her, Emily." Aria said. Talk to her? What was I supposed to talk to her about? What happened in the car? What happened two years ago when she – A honk from a car behind us alerted Aria and I, and she began to set the car in motion again.
"It's just…she left me, Aria. And after last night…it finally hit me that…I still love her and…I really can't go through another heartbreak. There are only so many I can go through..." I confessed. I wasn't scared of the free-fall. I've experienced how amazing it felt to be freefalling in love with her. But I knew the outcome of it. I knew so well that once I hit rock bottom, I would never have the strength to get back up again. I knew how I'd end up. And I know better now not to play with fire.
"What if she tries to talk to you?" Aria asked.
"I'll figure out what to do when it happens. Why worry about something that hasn't yet happened, right?"
"Wow, look at you. When did Emily Fields become so rational? Have you been meeting with Spencer behind our backs again?" she teased.
"Now that you mention her, can I ask you something?" I changed the subject.
"Shoot." she said as she took a right turn.
"Maybe I've been away for too long, but does it seem like Spencer's changed and she's not like her rational self any more? Sometimes, I even feel like she's more in touch with my feelings than I am." I shared.
"Hm…now that you bring it up, I can see why you feel that way. She's definitely grown more…empathetic now if that's what you mean. People change, Em. Spencie's a softie now, so what?" Aria smirked as she said this. I chuckled, realizing that Aria's taken on a much more humorous personality over the years and had changed as well. "I'm really glad that you still trust me enough to confide in me about this, Emily. It means a lot. Over the years, I thought that things have changed so much that we couldn't go back to the way we used to be. We all missed you a lot when you were away, you know?" Okay, scratch that, Aria was still as emotional as she always was. Oh sweet, emotional Aria… We pulled up to the entrance of the country club and we both got out of the car as Aria gave the keys to one of the guys standing in front. Before we walked in, I turned to her and continued from where we left off the conversation earlier.
"I know, and I'm sorry. I just…needed space. I'm here now, and I hope that that is enough. I hope you can keep this between us though. I'm not ready for the girls to know yet." I said. She pulled me into a hug and we held onto each other for a while before letting go.
"Of course. I'm so happy that you've decided to come home, Emily." she said and squeezed one of my hands. Me too, Aria, me too…
While Spencer and Aria were busy playing doubles with another couple on the tennis court, Hanna and I sat at one of the tables near the court and watched them own the other team. It was quite a fierce game with Spencer running back and forth like she had forgotten Aria was standing right there waiting for a chance to swing at the ball. At least Spencer had kept her competitive streak. It was really entertaining to watch. Hanna and I laughed and cheered when the guy on the opposing team missed the ball, but Aria only rolled her eyes at Spencer as she passed her by. Spencer flashed her an apologetic smile and tossed a tennis ball her way. Aria caught it with a surprisingly quick reflex and smiled triumphantly as she made her way over to the other side to serve.
"So, I have to tell you something…" Hanna turned my attention away from the game.
"Yeah?" I said and looked at her in a way to encourage her to continue.
"Okay, how weird is it that I've seen two of your exes in less than a day's time?" she asked out of the blue. Which other ex was she talking about? She must've sensed my confusion because she continued, "I was stopping by the gas station before I went home yesterday and by some stroke of luck, I bumped into Samara. I didn't recognize her at first but then she came over and said hi, and it wasn't until she was up-close that I realized it was her. God, there I was standing, wondering why the hell all these blondes were showing up in our lives out of nowhere. I mean, come on! First, that pretty blonde girl showed up with Paige at the Grille, then Samara coming up to me at the gas station, and then seeing Professor Reed walk past me this morning out of the café with Paige was beyond weird. Em, I think it's a sign. The universe is trying to tell us something. You need to do something about this! There has to be some kind of conspiracy going on here!" Hanna said, and her eyes were now widened. I let out a sigh, trying to process everything she just told me, but my mind only went blank. I really couldn't make anything of everything she had just said. It was even crazier that she worded it in a way that made the entire situation her problem.
"Okay, first of all, it's not your problem," I said, and Hanna suddenly looked crestfallen by my words but I tried to save myself, "No, you know I didn't mean it in that way. Look, Samara…and I haven't spoken in ages and she's an ex, all right? There's nothing going on, and it's the least of my concern that she's in town. Second, weren't you listening when Sammie introduced herself to us as Paige's best friend yesterday? And lastly, I honestly have no comments to add about your 'professor' from this morning, and I'd really appreciate it if we stop talking about this."
"But Emily – " she said before I cut her off.
"No buts!" I gave her an expectant look to drop the subject. It didn't make sense to me why she had even brought that up at all. If anything, it entirely confused me all the more, and I was in no position to analyze all these relationships that was going on. There were so many connections and questions I wanted answers to, but I was also okay with not knowing anything.
"Spencer and Aria might hate me for saying this, but I really need to. Emily, can't you see that you only have eyes for Paige? Even if she weren't in the room or out here on the tennis court with us, we can almost feel her presence here when we look you in the eyes. It's getting that intense. You've been hiding and running away from all of us for the past two years in that insane boot camp at Danby, and I really thought that things have begun to change and you're finally coming out of that shell again when you decided to come home. But you're still hiding. Why are you so afraid to look it in the eye and admit to yourself that you still want her?" she said and looked me in the eye with all the anguish of losing a friend. I could tell that she was afraid that she had scared me away and make me want to retreat back to Danby. A part of me did want to run away, but I knew I was stronger than I thought I was, so I stayed rooted in place.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I have to apologize for leaving the way I did two years ago for it to be enough, but I am truly sorry, Hanna. The hurt from losing her…it made me want to hide away from everything. I didn't want the people I knew to see how hurt I was. I had already felt beaten and damaged beyond repair. I couldn't look at my own best friends in the eye, let alone the people in Rosewood. When I finally got to Danby, it felt like I've really gotten away from everything. I thought that I'd finally feel like me again, but the more I tried to deceive myself into thinking that I was okay, the more it hurts when I actually think about everything that's happened. The only thing I had going in my life was swimming, and I dedicated everything I had to it. It was my rock. It was what held me steady and helped me persevere. Suddenly, everything's being thrown my way nonstop ever since I've gotten back, and I… The last thing I need right now is to think about it. If I think about it, Hanna… I don't think I can go on any more. I don't think…I will ever find it in myself to come back to you guys again, and I can't bear losing you too." I started to tear up and I saw that Hanna was too.
"Don't cry, Em, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up." Hanna said as she lifted up a hand to wipe away a tear that had escaped from my left eye. I reached up to her face and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. I leaned in and gave her a kiss on her forehead before drawing myself back and attempting to smile. Hanna leaned towards me and gave me a tender kiss on the cheek, and pulled me into her arms. I wasn't sure how long it lasted, but I heard someone clearing their throat nearby and I began to withdraw from our embrace. I looked up to see that Spencer and Aria were staring at us.
"Are we interrupting something here?" Spencer asked, sounding unsure.
"Yes, you were. Emily and I were having a moment. Now if you two can please leave and give us…" Hanna trailed off before reaching into her bag and pulling out her vibrating cellphone. "Mom? Yeah? I'm with the girls. You know, Emily, Aria, and Spencer. Okay. What time? And you need that now? Okay, fine. I will, I will. I'll see you in a bit. Bye mom, love you!" Hanna rolled her eyes as she ended the call and looked at us, "My mom wants me home now to help cook for the dinner tonight with daddio. Spence, is it okay if we stop by the grocery store on the way to your home? I need to pick up something for my mom."
"Sure. Emily, do you want to come with us or are you riding with Aria?" Spencer asked.
"I'll go with Aria," I said almost immediately. I needed a favor from her anyway.
"Okay then, meet up at my place in a bit?" Spencer asked.
"Oh, sorry Spence, I have to pick up Ezra from the airport and then drive back for dinner with the family too. I'll just drop Emily off on my way home," Aria said.
"Em? Please tell me you don't have plans for dinner with your mom as well. My parents are out of town and it'd be really nice – "
"Sure, I'll keep you company. Just let me go home and change first. I'll meet up at your place after." I jumped in.
"Okay, good. I'll see you later," she said to me and then turned to Aria, "and I'll see you…when I see you."
"Really, Spencer? Is that all you've got to say to me after I help you win that match?" Aria folded her arms. Hanna rolled her eyes and started pulling Spencer away by her arm as she was about to open her mouth.
"No, not another word from your mouth, Spence. Now let's go before my mom gets on my case about making her wait on me all the time. Now, Spencer!" she said as she yanked Spencer away from us. I turned to Aria and hoped that she had a little bit of time before she had to go pick up Ezra.
"Aria, I know you have to go to the airport soon, but is it alright if you drop me off at the karaoke bar that's a little outside of town so that I can pick up my car?" I asked.
"Sure thing, let's get going so I can make it to the airport on time." she said.
"Yeah, definitely, I owe you one. Thank you so much!" I said.
"What are friends for?" she smiled my way.
After I picked up my car and headed home for a shower, I changed into a pair of jean shorts and a white t-shirt, and made my way over to Spencer's. We ended up watching a movie until the both of us had agreed to go get takeout from the Grille and head back for another film. The first few minutes of the drive were quiet until Spencer decided to break the silence.
"Remember that time when we were sitting in my car waiting for school to start? We got coffee and then decided to stay in the car to keep warm because it was so cold outside..."
"Oh god, of course I remember. I couldn't get you to shut up when you kept on teasing me about Bo because I had gotten a better grade than you did on that group project – " Spencer cut me off before I could finish.
"Oh, come on! Something fishy was definitely going on between you two during those afterschool hours you said you had to go to. Plus, I didn't hear anybody else addressing Ms. Allen by her first name during that entire junior year except for you. We were in the same group for god's sake! It was favoritism, I tell you! It should be added on to the list of the most unfair things in the world!" Spencer pouted in her driver's seat.
"Well, if you would've stopped talking then, I wouldn't have resorted to tickling you, and if you hadn't squirm and fought back – "
"What! How could you even expect someone to stay still and let you tickle them to death?" Spencer asked in disbelief. After a moment of silence, we both broke into laughter as the rest of the memories started flooding back.
"It was totally your fault that Hanna and Aria wouldn't get off my back about the car incident for that entire week!" I exclaimed. The windows had fogged up from inside the car and because we were wrestling from our little tickle fight, Spencer's car was swaying back and forth a bit from the outside. The next thing we knew, someone was knocking on Spencer's window and trying to peer into the glass. She had pulled down her window and there stood Hanna and Aria. They both had surprised expressions imprinted on their faces.
"I still don't understand why they would even doubt our platonic relationship for one second." Spencer laughed.
"One week." I corrected her and I saw her smirked out of the corner of my eye. I heard her sigh from the other side of the car and glanced over to see why. She was leaning her head in her hand as her elbow rest on the car door. I wonder what was going on inside her head. She was always thinking. It seem like it was all she was ever doing recently.
Spencer pulled into a parking space near the Grille and we walked to the restaurant. It was looked a bit magical from the outside. The dark had overtaken the night and the only lights that were visible were coming out from the stores that lit up the street. The lights formed an enchanting halo around the restaurant, and as we walked in, we were greeted with dimmer lights that romanticized the entire place. We walked over to the counter and Spencer ordered our usual take out foods. After we had paid, Spencer and I sat at the bar and just looked at each other as though expecting the other to speak first. That was until we heard someone shout our names from somewhere on the other side of the room. We both looked over to see who it was, and after letting my eye focus on a table of three, I recognized Sean, Paige, and the girl Paige was walking with out of the café this morning. So they're all friends. That is interesting. I looked over at Spencer and she shook her head a bit, letting me know she didn't want to go over. That didn't stop Paige and Sean from coming over though, because before I knew it, they had already made their way across the room and standing before us.
"Spencer! Emily! It's so nice to see you! Where's Hanna and Aria?" Sean asked excitedly. I looked over to Paige, wondering if she was as in a good mood as Sean was, but I caught her rolling her eyes Sean's way. She didn't say anything but waved hello to us instead. I smiled out of amusement, wondering what that was all about. I secretly admired her body in the outfit tonight and wondered what the occasion was.
"They both went home to have dinner with their families. I was home alone and Emily's keeping me company. We were both starving so we came here for takeout." Spencer explained and I saw her trying to look over at the table Paige and Sean was sitting at. The girl was sitting alone and glancing over at us curiously. "And I see that you have company over there. Are you guys having dinner too?" Spencer asked as her eyes shifted towards Paige's way. It seemed like Paige was about to answer when Sean decided to cut in and spoke for the both of them.
"Yeah! We were. Actually, do you guys want to join us for dinner? I mean, you guys have no place else to be, right?" he asked sweetly. Before I could look over to Spencer and asked if she wanted to stay, Paige had rushed off without warning and left the three of us stunned in place. I watched as she pulled the girl, who Hanna said this morning was once her English professor, out of the restaurant. They stood outside for a few moments before I saw them kissed.
I looked away to hide from what I saw and turned my body away from the windows of the restaurant. They had kissed. I thought we were going to talk about last night. She said so this morning at the café. I thought…I thought…no… Why was she doing this to me? I loved her. Why couldn't she see that? Why couldn't she see that what she's doing was hurting me? Why wasn't I ever enough for her? Did last night meant nothing at all? Who does she think she is? I felt my blood beginning to boil. Why did I even think she was ever going to care again? She never did. That was who she became the day she walked out on me. She could just pick up and leave whenever she wanted, because it wouldn't pain her the same way that it had torment me over the years. From the moment she left until now, I've spent so much time trying to understand her reason for choosing to break up with me. I huffed out my frustration at how foolish I've been all this time, thinking that things might work out one day. I'd never realize that when the day came and things would work out, it'd meant for me to finally move on.
"Who is she?" I suddenly heard Spencer asked.
"Ugh, don't get me started. They were on some stupid date…and I totally crashed it! You both should've been there! I pounced on her with so much force, and damn, that chick was a hard nut to crack. But still, it was ah-maze-zing. You guys should've seen her face." Sean said with pride. Date? Seriously? I couldn't help but roll my eyes because I was getting more and more irritated by the second with the thought of Paige going on a date tonight after I had made her cry out in pleasure the night before. She sure likes to get around now.
"Date? As in a romantic date?" Spencer asked more specifically. He nodded and they both continued to look out the windows. I just wanted to go home now. Or go for a run. I'd rather be anywhere but here. I saw one of the waitrons making their way over to us and I stepped forward to take the paper bag away. I thanked them and turned to Spencer, hoping she was ready to leave. She must've felt my eyes burning through the side of her head because she turned around and I gestured for her to tell Sean we were leaving.
"Hey Sean, we've got to go, but it was really nice seeing you again," Spencer said and went in for a hug. After he'd hug Spencer, he came over and wrapped his arms around me as well.
"I know you weren't looking, but it seems like Paige just told that lady friend of hers to scram." Sean whispered into my ear. When we both pulled away, he gave me a playful smile and waved goodbye to the both of us as he made his way back to the table he was sitting at with the girls.
Spencer and I walked outside, and I noticed that neither of the girls was there any more. The car ride back to Spencer's place was pretty quiet. I guess Spencer was afraid she'd say the wrong thing. I just really had nothing to say either. When she finally parked her car next to mine in the driveway, I turned to her while unbuckling my seatbelt.
"Hey Spence, I'm really not in the mood to have dinner and watch a movie any more. Would it be all right with you if I just head home?" I asked almost pleadingly. She must've heard the vulnerability in the tone of my voice so she reluctantly complied with my wish.
"Here, let me just get your food." she said as she turned in her seat to try and reach around for the paper bag with our food. I rested my hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"It's alright. I really don't have an appetite any more. Just keep the leftover in the fridge. I'm sure Hanna will raid your fridge again another day this week." I said and tried to smile a little. She nodded and I pulled my hand back to reach for the handle and open the passenger door. I made the short distance to my car and let out a breath as I backed out of the Hastings's driveway.
After I'd gotten home, I had gone straight up to my room and sat at the window seat. It had been another eventful day, filled with all kinds of disappointment. I leaned my head against the window as the right side of my body leaned into the wall. I brought my knees up close to my chest and then wrapped my arms around my legs. After letting out the millionth sigh of the day, my eyes began to wander outside the window.
The doorbell rang and I sprang up from the bed almost immediately. Paige had called earlier and told me she had wanted to talk. A part of me felt scared. Things have been…weird between us lately. I couldn't put a name to it, but something was different. I wasn't sure if it was on my part or if something has been going on with her that she hadn't told me. I practically raced down the stairs and flung the door open without thinking. When she was finally in sight after the door had opened, I noticed that Paige was looking down at the ground. It took a moment before I saw her look up at me and she tried to smile but it faltered as she saw the concern written all over my face.
"Hey, is everything okay?" I asked as I reached for her arm to pull her into the house. She was quiet, but she let me pull her up the stairs and into my room. When I finally closed the door and turned on my heels to face her, I saw that she was already sitting at the window seat. I walked over slowly, trying to discern her emotions, but I really couldn't tell what was going on in her mind. I sat down next to her and reached over for her hands and brought them into my lap. When I looked over and caught her eyes, I felt her withdraw her hands from mine.
"What's going on, Paige?" I asked again. I really don't understand. Why was she pulling away from me?
"I…I think we should see other people, Emily." As soon as the words escaped her lips, I felt myself losing sensation of the world around me. She's breaking up with me? Why? What have I done wrong?
"W-why?" I had managed to utter aloud.
"No, it's not like that, Emily. I… Don't you think we're too young to be this serious?" She had to be kidding, right?
"It's not like what, Paige? Why are you doing this?" I asked angrily.
"I'm just saying that I think we should leave our options open. We can still be together, but just not exclusive." she said coolly.
"But I don't want to be with anybody else! Can't you see that? I just want you." I quickly exclaim, trying to veil how heartbroken I was that what we had wasn't enough for her. I reached out for her hands again but she pulled away once more. I thought we had a really good thing going here. Couldn't she see how much I love her? Couldn't she see that –
"You don't know that for sure, Emily. What if you meet someone really amazing at Danby? I know how you are. You'd stay faithful to me, and – "
"Is this what it's about?" I interrupted. I let out a sigh of relief. "Look Paige, I don't care about anybody else. I'm happy just being with you." I saw her cringe a little after I finished. It would've gone unnoticed if I hadn't been observing her carefully.
"No, Emily, you don't understand. I… I've decided I'm going to go to U Penn." What? U Penn.? But I thought we've already decided we'd go to Danby together? Why was she suddenly changing her mind?
"U Penn.? …U Penn.?! Why didn't you discuss this with me before?" I demanded.
"It's my decision to make." she said coldly. My heart dropped at the tone of her voice. Why was she being like this? Stay calm, Emily. Control your emotions.
"When did you decide that you were going to go to U Penn.?" I calmly asked after a few moments of silence.
"In May." she gave a curt response. Three months? She waited that long to tell me? What else had she been hiding from me? I felt myself wanting to cry, but I tried to control the tears from falling. Why was she doing this now?
"Why are you telling me this now? Why not tell me then?" Why did she waited this long to break my heart? Why did she decide to draw this out until now? I watched as she tears her eyes away from my gaze and looked out the window.
"I thought that what we had was really sacred then. As time went on, I realized that I couldn't be selfish. We're both still young and haven't seen much of the world yet. I'd feel better about it if we set new boundaries, you know, see other people, not having to be exclusive, and have fun." she said with ease. I looked at her in disbelief. See other people? Have fun? Yeah, selfish doesn't even begin to explain everything.
"I can't." I finally said. I felt so distraught but I continued, "I can't do it. It's all or nothing for me." She was looking at me now, but the look in her eyes was telling me that she had expected it. She knew.
"I know." she said. I know? Is that all she has to say? She's not even going to put up a fight? Not even going to try to tell me to stay? Did she not love me any more? Had she fallen out of love with me? What was I to her all this time? I wanted to hate her for what she was doing to me. I knew I was lying to myself, but I just wished I'd hate her as much as I love her. I hated that I love her so much. After all we've been through, she's just going to let it come to an end like this?
"So go." I said with as much disdain as I can muster. Stay. Please stay. Don't leave me. I wished she'd stay. It was tearing me apart inside. Knowing that she could stay but wouldn't. And I was right. She stood up and put a hand on my shoulder as though to comfort me. I shrugged away her touch and looked out the window, turning my back to her. I felt her moving away from me, footsteps leading to the door, and finally heard the door to my bedroom close. I closed my eyes as tears finally fell, and heard the front door to the house closed. She left me. Just like that. Like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. I opened my eyes and stared out the window, watching her walk away from the house while tears were streaming down my face. I kept on staring at her back, hoping she'd turn around and come running my way, but she didn't. She just kept on walking away. Soon, she disappeared. I had completely pushed her away. All that I was left staring at now was the mess I made. The void space that would never be filled again.
The memories of that day stung a bit more sitting here.
Even after she had tore my heart apart, I wonder if she still feels my love.
I wish she'd stayed.
I still feel her even without touch.
She somehow kept my heart without chains.
