I find Tali in the engine room (where else), engrossed in a bird's nest of circuitry spread all over her workbench and dangling down onto the floor. She is muttering at the components, a withering monologue on their intractability, fickle behaviour, possible irregular parentage and general inability to perform their intended function, peppered liberally with little bosh'stets. It is a scene so entirely Tali that I can't help but smile; somehow, in all of this chaos, she has kept her centre. Possibly this is her coping mechanism, to lose herself in the world of tech, but somehow the brief glimpse of how things should be lifts my spirits a little. "Hello, Tali," I greet her quietly, not wanting to startle her.
I fail. "Oh, Liara!" she gasps, dropping her tools and turning towards me. "Keelah, I didn't even realise you were up and about." She steps forward, opening her arms, but then hesitates. I take the choice from her, hobbling forward and into her embrace. Her suit smells of ozone, engine grease, hot plastic, and, very faintly, Garrus, and I smile into her shoulder as she squeezes me tightly. I am pleased that my friends have found happiness together, even if jealousy at how they must be feeling in this time of new love cuts me like a ragged knife.
"What are you working on?" I ask as she sets me carefully back on my feet and I shuffle to the bench to lean against it.
An amplified sigh echoes from her suit. "EDI. I'm trying to figure out what happened. This is part of her memory core, I removed it this morning. It looks intact, and the code is good, but I need to check the rest of the cores. Whatever caused her to fail - whatever that red beam was - it must be fixable. However advanced she is, she's still a machine. It might not restore her back to her full capability, but even half-way would be a start." She looks at me for a long, silent moment, inscrutable behind her mask. "But don't tell Joker. Unless I can really do something, it wouldn't be fair."
"I won't," I agree, reading the unspoken words in the silence. I wish I could fix things for you too. That bringing Shepard back was as easy as checking code and memory cores.
Tali is still watching me, and after a moment, she reaches up to the base of her mask. "This is probably a bad idea, but..." She presses a button, and with a soft pneumatic hiss the mask comes away. I hold my breath as she lifts the purple visor clear of her face, and for the first time I'm looking at her face, seeing her eyes, her shy smile, and she's so very beautiful. "Liara," she says softly, her voice warmer and richer, stripped of the suit's pickup reverb, "I just don't know what to say. Sorry isn't enough."
"There are no words," I reply simply, stepping close to her again and granting the greatest comfort I can bestow, stroking her cheek gently with my palm. Her skin is warm, warmer than Shepard's even, and very soft. Tali can't help herself; she nuzzles into my touch, sighing softly, revelling in the sensation. I lean in and press a kiss to her forehead, then break her hold on my wrist. "I don't want you to get sick." Lifting her mask, I slot it carefully back into place, and she seals it again with a slow, reluctant gesture.
"Thank you, Liara," she says, squeezing my hand. "I'm here if you need to talk."
"I know, Tali. I hope you know that I would gladly do the same for you."
"I do. I do, I just... Keelah, how is it possible that I miss her more than I miss my own father?"
Moved by Shepard's insight and my own, I settle myself back against the bench. "Your father loved you, but he had a hard time showing it, I would guess, constrained by his rank, his responsibilities, by the fear of showing too much favouritism. My mother was much the same, particularly when I became older; her expectations forever drowning out her affection. But Shepard... had no reason to hide how she felt about you, about your abilities, your cares, or how much you meant to her. Tali, she thought of you as a sister. She loved you, and she was free to show it."
Tali's head bows, and a sniffle escapes her mask. "You should have seen her blaze away at the Admiralty Board at my trial. No one had ever said anything like that about me before. I felt so special, so... loved. But… ah, keelah, listen to me, telling you how great she was. Of all people, you'd know that best." She pats my hand, too hard, her suit pickup no longer hiding the tears in her voice. "You always know just what to say, Liara. I hope it's not too presumptuous of me, but - we all knew how much Shepard loved you. Towards the end, we could all see that you were what kept her fighting, when everyone else would have given up. She wanted to save the galaxy... for you. It's so unfair that after all this, she's... she's gone. She deserved to be happy, and so do you."
Tears swamp my vision, and steal my breath as Tali's words strike a harmonic with the feelings I know are Rachel's, swirling in my mind. Quickly, I recall the persona of the Shadow Broker, cold and aloof, emotionless. Lock it down, Liara. I will not add to Tali's burdens by breaking down on her. Choking off the groundswell of grief, I pat Tali's shoulder mechanically, and retreat to Shepard's cabin as fast as my mangled leg will allow.
And suddenly, she's there. I can smell the citrus perfume she likes, sharp and tangy, the fresh smell of a clean BDU, a hint of perspiration. Her arms are around me, protecting me. "It's OK," she murmurs against my crest. "You need to deal with this. You need to let it out. Let it go."
My shell cracks, just that quickly and I fall sobbing into her embrace, dragging her to the floor. "I can't let you go," I protest, voice torn with anguish.
"I didn't say let me go. You can't, in any case. Not yet. But you can let go of that charade, that cracked mask you're trying to put on. It doesn't suit you, Li. What you said to Tali just now, that compassion, that love, that's you. That's why I love you. Don't retreat from that, don't go back to what you nearly became on Ilium. I couldn't bear for you to become that, not again. Not because of me." The pain in her voice is acute. "Christ, Li, if I'd known, I'd have..."
"What? Not died?" It's a low blow, but suddenly my anger is stoking, flaring up. My emotions are running wild, and the blue-white crackle of unfocused biotic power begins to wisp along my arms. Irrationally enraged, I remember her cheap crack at my anguish in trying to explain how much her death had crippled me "I got better."
"I was going to say, I would have come for you sooner." Her arms slacken and she sits back, crossing her legs and resting her hands on her knees as she watches me. "I know it would only have been weeks, but..."
"But that time would have made the difference?" I half-snap, half-sob as I sit up. "You were dead! It was bad enough then, when I knew you less well, when we were still new to each other, but now... G-goddess, this is infinitely worse! You made me a promise, Rachel Shepard! And this time, I can't... I can't... I..." Words fail me, and I throw myself at her, knocking her to the floor as I capture her mouth in a savage kiss and her mind in a savage meld. I can't help you. I can't save you. I'm not there for you. I love you. I want you back.
Don't blame yourself, Liara, her voice soothes. It was my choice, and everything I have accomplished, I have accomplished because of you. You helped me stop Saren. You took me back after two years and in so doing gave me the chance to know you better, to love you more. You gave me a reason to rebuild my life rather than throw it away on the Collector base, and to endure the fallout from my actions at Aratoht. When the Reapers attacked, finding you was the only thing that mattered to me more than saving Earth. And with you at my side, I was able to do the impossible. Cure the genophage. Ally the Turians and Krogan. End the war between Geth and Quarian. Bring down Reapers in single combat. Finish Cerberus. And whatever happened after that, we had a fighting chance because of you. I may have carried the galaxy, but you carried me. You did enough, more than enough, and you deserve to see the galaxy heal and grow again in peace. I can only hope I did what I had to do. I'll love you forever.
She picks me up and carries me to the bed, then lays down beside me, fingers intertwined with mine. Slowly, my sobs ebb, my energy drains, and I pass into a tortured sleep, safe in her embrace.
