A/N: There's this state you kind of go into when writing, when you really get into the character's mind and the story flows and your brain is working ten times faster than your fingers ever will. For some reason, this state of being is hard to obtain (for me anyway). But I think I reached it by the end of this story. It reminded me why I write in the first place. Expect updates more regularly now. ;)
She stared into the mirror, turned to her side and her shirt pulled up around her breasts. Her hand pressed against her stomach, pushing it in then letting it sink back out.
Fat.
She could see it everywhere and it drove her insane. Was this how other people saw her? She pinched the area around her hips.
She'd lost exactly five pounds while her parents were gone, which should have made her proud. But it didn't. She couldn't tell any difference in her body. She was still the same old predictable, average, fat, out of control Emma she'd always been. And she was tired of it.
Sighing, she pulled her shirt back down, feeling extremely weak and pathetic. She turned away from the mirror and grabbed her food diary out of her dresser drawer. This was the last time she was going to hurt anyone else besides herself.
--
It was thirty minutes later when Manny came down the stairs, all dressed up and smiling.
"Okay, hey, I thought we could go out tonight."
Emma gave her a surprised look, but didn't move.
"Like to dinner," she continued. "And then the park or something... or we could come back here, since it's our last night home alone. What do you think?"
That's right, she thought. Her parents were coming home tomorrow. She wasn't sure if she was looking forward to it or not.
"Actually," Emma said, patting the spot next to her on the bed. "Can we talk first?"
Manny pressed her lips together, looking at her curiously, but sat down anyway.
"Okay, um, I don't really know where to start," she said nervously. "But you're a really good friend, Manny."
Manny laughed. "Okay, cool, you're a good friend, too. Let's go," she said as she stood.
"No, I'm not."
Manny's smile faded.
"I'm a horrible friend. I've always been a horrible friend to you," she said, feeling disgusted with herself.
"You're not horrible, Em. You're far from horrible." Manny said, her voice soft. "Where is this coming from?"
"Nowhere. I just- I'm tired of lying to you."
Manny looked cross for a moment. "You've been lying to me? About what?"
Emma shrugged, her eyes glassy. "Everything."
"Like what?"
Manny looked irritated now. Emma stood from the bed and handed her the journal almost reluctantly. "Just, read this, okay?"
Manny stared at her for a second, then leafed through the pages as Emma waited. "Your food diary?" she asked quickly and Emma nodded.
She sat down on the bed, still reading. Emma followed.
"You haven't been eating?"
Emma shook her head and felt the welling of tears, the familiar pressure against the back of her eyes and throat begin. She swallowed it down, trying to keep herself calm. This was no big deal.
"Why?"
She was floored. That's it?
Emma shrugged lightly, feeling uncomfortable. "I don't know," she said, the pressure building. She felt her heart racing again and the lightheadedness take over. No, she told herself. Stay calm, damnit! You pathetic cow. Don't cry. Don't you dare have a panic attack. Not now.
"Em, you feeling okay?"
She felt herself going pale, her breathing irregular Stop it, she chanted as Manny felt her forehead, her eyes concerned as she glanced over her friend. Don't pass out. Don't pass out.
"Breathe, Em," she heard Manny say.
There was a ringing in her ears. The kind that blurred out the present and kept it at a comfortable distance. The kind that she remembered looking forward to when she first started dieting. It had meant she was doing well. It had meant she was losing weight. It had meant that for once, she was doing something right other than good grades and saving the environment.
Now it just meant she was a failure. She couldn't control herself, her emotions, her mind.
"Em, please."
She could feel Manny's cool hands on each side of her face as she tried to breathe. She faintly heard herself saying she was fine over and over, before her vision started dimming.
