Ana and Christian belong to E. L. James but the train ride is ours

Translated by thenewEmily

Chapter 10 The adoption

It's not common for a 14 year old girl to be adopted. You usually lose hope at 10, because the bigger we are, the less of a son or a daughter we can be. But that wasn't what Mr. and Mrs. Steele thought. After years of trying to have their own kids, and after long and failed fertilization treatments, they decided to adopt a teenager to accompany the good Mrs. Steele… mom.

That's how they came to the orphanage one day and sat to talk to all the girls that were there. I didn't want to be adopted anymore, I had a life already made in that place, and despite the difficulties, I was happy. But mom saw me and somehow, she fell in love with me. She felt we were made for each other, she was a whirlwind of energy, and I was just like dad, a silent enthusiastic. They made a few more visits, but in mom's heart, I was already her daughter.

One day, they ask Mrs. Grace if I could go with them to a beautiful coffee shop for icecream. It wasn't the first time they did that, they had already taken some of the other girls and now it was my turn. I had never been in a place like that; it was so elegant, with the whitest tablecloth, the finest cutlery. It was a beautiful tea room. I ate like an orphan, I tried everything and they seemed happy pleasing me. When I didn't have enough room for another muffin, Mr. Steele talked to me.

"Anastasia, you know we've been visiting the orphanage so we can make one of you girls, part of our family. Mrs. Steele and I haven't been able to have kids, and the truth is that we would like a bigger family. On our visits to different orphan houses, we…"

"Oh just say it! Would you like to become a Steele, Anastasia?"

I was extremely surprised, I wasn't the first girl they took out for tea, but they hadn't proposed an adoption for any of them, I felt my mouth hanging open and my thoughts running a thousand per hour. Yes, I wanted a family, a dad, a mom, but I also wanted Christian, and my school friends. God, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to miss that chance, but I didn't want to lose my life as it was. I stayed quiet for a while, searching for the exact words that would buy me some more time, but unable to keep it any longer I answer what I felt in my heart.

"Of course I want to become a Steele"

"That's wonderful" mom said.

"But…"

"But?" Mom was about to cry and dad was paying attention.

"I would like to keep seeing my friends form the orphanage and not to be taken out of school… I have a life already made here and, even though I'm only 14, I've had more loses than I would like, and I don't know if I could take one more"

Mom smiled and dad understood. In that moment I knew I was going to be very, very happy with them. And I was.

-oOo-

I don't here Christian when he leaves the bathroom and comes to the living room. He's standing in front of me, his hair wet and shaved to perfection. The new clothes fit perfectly, Elliot has a good eye. He's wearing blue sweatpants and a white t-shirt that hugs him in the right places, showing his strong arms. I feel like we are undressing each other with our eyes… I can't keep staring at him so I drop my eyes. I bite my lip without thinking and his hand comes to my face and he releases my lip.

"Don't bite your lip Ana or you'll have to stitch me again, because I won't respond for myself.

I blush, I can't look at him, it's like we are 15 again.

"Can I sit next to you?" and I stand up to help him.

"Sit right here little one"

I obey and let him cuddle me while I lay my head in his chest. He stiffens and I remember that he doesn't like to be touched. I look him in the eye.

"I can stay away if you want"

"No, please… stay right here Ana, just… don't lie on my chest"

God, what has happened to this man… what he says it's not a request it's a pray and it hurts me deeply to see so much pain and not knowing what caused it.

He tries to pull himself together and changes the subject. He doesn't want me to ask about his scars, his fears, his pain.

"You were thinking when I saw you earlier. Something you want to share with me Dr. Steele?" I smile.

"I was remembering the day my parents adopted me, it's a happy memory"

"Not for me", I think this is not going to be easy, everything it's a painful reminder for us.

"You never said anything…"

"I didn't want to ruin your happiness, even if it meant my misery…"

"Christian, I…"

"That was the day I started to lose you"

"Actually that was when I started to lose the Christian I loved"

"What do you mean?"

"I think now it's not the right time to talk about it Christian, you are still a little weak and I'm tired". He sighs; he knows that I won't budge with this conversation.

"Can I borrow one of your books? Do you have something I can read, that I can understand?"

"You mean nothing medical?"

"Exactly"

"I think I have something, they're kind of old, I'm not a best seller's girl, more like a fan of the classics"
"You always were."

I smile and search between my books, the truth is that they're all old, but I find my favorite, Wuthering Highs" and give it to him.

"This one still is my favorite"

"Come on, I'll read it for you", he says and reaches for my hand. I take it and sit next to him. He tells me to put my head in his legs and throws a blanket over the rest of my body. I can't believe this, if Teddy was here with us, everything would be perfect.

I listen Christian's deep voice reading my favorite book and fall slowly with the heat of the room. The tiredness takes over me and I close my eyes, happy.

-oOo-

As soon as I wake up I remember where I am… and with whom. I look up and find his eyes, he's watching me closely. However, I feel something is wrong, that's not the same look he had when he was reading. I sit up.

"How long have I slept?"

"Couple of hours", his voice is hard, dry.

"Are you alright? Does something hurt?"

"No"

"No to what? You are not fine? There's nothing hurting? What's wrong?" he gulps and with those eyes that scream "I don't care" he says "I need to go back to my home so you can move on with your life"

"Can you tell me what happened while I was sleeping?"

"Do you know you talk in your sleep?" Oh god, what would I've said, I'm sweating…

"No, I didn't… what did I say?"

"Who's Teddy?" Shit, damn you subconscious, how much does he know about him? I stand up trying to hide my nervousness.

"What did I say?"

"Who is that Ted? Is he your husband, your lover?"

Relief, he thinks he's my boyfriend. I didn't say anything that could reveal the true identity of our son.

"It's nothing like that; besides, I already told you I don't have a husband"

"Then who is he? Is he a friend?"

"No" I answer really calm, "Teddy is my son. Such a fuss. I had already told you I had a son. I talked to him this morning in the consult, right next to you." Now comes the question about the father… please don't, I don't want to lie anymore.

"I don't remember hearing his name"

"It's fine, you were just waking up"

"Where is your son? He doesn't leave with you?"

"He lives with me; he's just spending some days out of town"

"With his father?"

"No." Silence, I won't give him more information till I find out who's this man in my house.

"I see you don't want to talk about it"

"Our lives have changed Christian, a lot has happened since we broke apart. Am I wrong?"

"No"

"What about you? Do you have a wife, maybe?"
I have been in his house and there wasn't anyone else there, so I left out the option of him being in a relationship, but maybe it has been another woman in his life.

"No, nothing like that"

"What about a girlfriend?"

"What's with all the questions?"

"You started it; I just want to know where we are. We won't lie to each other, we both have lives already made, but everything comes down when we are this close…"

"Always so articulate Ana… No, I don't have a girlfriend, I've barely had a couple of stories in these nine years, just one that really stands out, but it's been over for years… and you? I know you don't have a husband but maybe a boyfriend?"

"Yes, there is someone, but he's not a boyfriend, he wishes he was… it's just sex for me."

I see Christian's mouth opening while I'm talking. The "just sex" thing shocked him and it makes me laugh, I try to hide it and decide to speak with the truth, I'll have to see how he reacts.

"You know him actually. He was in the orphanage with us, Jack Hyde", I watch his reaction, and he's still shocked.

"¿Jack? ¿Jack Hyde?"

"Yes, the same. We've been friends for years. He has always wanted to have something with me and we've been dating for a few years, but it's just that. I don't allow man to stay in my home when Teddy is here.

"Jack… I can't believe it, since when are you friends?"

"We never lost touch Christian. What's wrong?" clearly he doesn't like this news.

"It happens that I've seen Jack more than once these years. I won't say we are as close as we were in the orphanage, but I've look for him, to find out about you, to find you and he always said he didn't know anything about you. That you parents forbade you to talk with anyone from the orphanage. Even Mrs. Grace tried to help me… but it was as if the earth swallowed you.

Jack… that miserable, selfish bastard. I can't believe what I'm hearing, he did try to find me, maybe he did want to change and Jack hid it from me. God, how many more stories are lies? Jack told me horrible things about Christian and his addictions, but I haven't seen trace of anything. No signs of heroin consume, or coke… I don't know what to believe, I only know one thing.

"Jack lied to both of us"

"What are you saying?" Shit, I said that out loud, I'll have to explain now.

"Sorry, I was thinking out loud… Jack lied to both of us. I asked him many times about you, if he had seen you, if you had tried to reach me; and…"

"And that bastard said I didn't?"

"He said you weren't interested in me"

"I don't believe it, that asshole has kept us apart for years!"

"Hold on Christian, it wasn't Jack who left you, I did." Quiet. "I always thought the reason that you didn't run after me was because you didn't loved me, because I wasn't good enough for you… but maybe you did".

I hold his stare looking for an answer. I'm still standing next to the couch Christian is seated on. He's still holding "Wuthering Heights" in his hands. Come on Christian, say you did it, say you run after me, make me believe you did love me; even though I never believe you would die for me, at least tell me you cared… please. He doesn't speak, there's only silence.

I drop my eyes, I can't take this humiliation, Jack is right… he could've looked for me, yes, but he wasn't interested, that's a fact. Finally he breaks the silence… with more silence.

"Ana, I…"

"Don't worry Christian, I understand"

I turn to look at the window, some shy drops start to fall and the land gets wet. The tears start to fall down my cheeks and my skin is the perfect surface for them to fall one after the other.

"Ana, stop it! What the fuck do you understand? What has he told you about me, about us? Do you really think I didn't try to find you? For god's sake, look at me! Do you think I don't know you are crying while you look at that window? Arrghhh!"

He throws the book in his hand and complains because he moved his hand too quickly and the wound hurt him, I turn around to help him.

"No! I won't let you look at it or help me anymore"

"Christian, don't act like a child, this is beyond our past"

"You are right about that… it's our present, broken, hurt, bleeding"

"Christian, please, don't be melodramatic, I just want to check the stitches, take your pain away"

"I've felt worse pain, don't worry about it"

I take a sit next to him. But he has his arms crossed around his body and doesn't let me move them; he's just like Teddy when he's angry. That picture makes me feel so much tenderness; he's an angry child, a child that I love.

"Jack told me you were waiting for me at the hall in the orphanage, that you came alone, without your parents. I was busy so I ask him to tell you that I would be with you in a minute, but when I made it, you weren't there anymore. I ask for you, and went out to find you. I only saw the cab's door closing, and yes Ana, I did run after you. I called your house a thousand times, and stood every day outside your school, but you never came back… you disappeared. I went crazy without you, I became a real zombie. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I fought with everyone. I had nightmares for years Ana, I dreamed with the cab and your beautiful braided hair… the last thing I saw of you in nine years.

Did I run after you? –I did… Every day of the 3287 I've been without you."