"Celebrity Jeopardy: Total Drama Style"
Rated T for Crude Humor
Disclaimer: Don't own Saturday Night Live or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 12: Scott, Dakota and Cameron
(Jeopardy! theme music plays.)
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. My pants smell really bad, and anyone who's watching at home...prevent fumigation at all costs. Today's contestants are Scott, Dakota, and Cameron.
Cameron: Uh, hey! How's it goin', Alex? Time for the jeopardy!
Dakota: I'm bored. Who in the hell watches this show? Pot-smoking chimps?
Alex Trebek: It's watched by everyone.
Dakota: Waste of s***...
Alex Trebek: Anyway, let's take a look at the categories. They are...Potent Potables, Butter Ads, Comedians named Tosh, Can You Smell This, Foreign Flicks, and Dogs. Scott...
(Trebek sees Scott urinating on his own podium.)
Alex Trebek: Scott! Quit that! That's not a bathroom!
Scott: Your bathroom's out of order, man.
Alex Trebek: I am getting so sued...you know what? We'll just go to Dakota.
Dakota: (to one of the audience members) I'll take a pack of gum for 50 cents!
Alex Trebek: That's not one of the categories.
Dakota: Who in the hell asked you, ass? I'm starving for some sugar...
(She takes the pack of gum, chews it, and blows a bubble that floats up in the air.)
Alex Trebek: Well, you certainly are useless...Cameron, you start!
Cameron: Finally! Give me...Butter Nads for $800!
Alex Trebek: Cameron, that's "Butter Ads"!
Cameron: No it doesn't. That says Butter Nads.
Alex Trebek: Wha-?
(Trebek turns over and sees the "N" painted next to "ads", therefore the category is changed to butter nads.)
Alex Trebek: (Fuming) What? Scott! Did you do this?
Scott: What? I did nothing...don't blame me...
(Scott throws the black marker away so that Trebek doesn't see it.)
Alex Trebek: Okay, then...I guess I'll choose a category. Dogs for $400. This is the sound a doggy makes.
(Dakota buzzes in.)
Alex Trebek: Dakota?
Dakota: You got a napkin?
Alex Trebek: No! Why would you need a napkin?
Dakota: Isn't it obvious, I gotta spit my gum out!
Alex Trebek: Why would you chew gum in the middle of a competition?
(Trebek doesn't even notice Scott passing through him.)
Dakota: I just have to. I wouldn't give a damn about the question. Let alone my self esteem.
(A backstage producer gives Dakota a napkin.)
Dakota: Thanks.
(Dakota spits out the gum.)
Dakota: Here you go.
(Dakota gives the gum-covered napkin to Cameron.)
Cameron: Thanks.
(Cameron then puts Dakota's gum-covered napkin in his pocket.)
Alex Trebek: Thanks for that heart-wrenching moment...the answer is "ruff"!
Scott: Just the way your mother likes it!
Alex Trebek: What? Hey, hey!
(Alex Trebek sees that Scott is not in his podium. He is urinating on the category board.)
Alex Trebek: (fuming) Go back to your podium! I told you! This isn't a bathroom!
Scott: I can't help it. Prostate problem!
Alex Trebek: Can someone please get Scott to his podium?
(Dakota gets Scott to his podium.)
Alex Trebek: Thank you. Now that's settled, let's go to...you know what. Forget it. Let's just go to Final Jeopardy, that way we can go a lot faster. Your clue is...oh, why would they do this? The category is "Famous Mothers"?
Scott: HAHAHA! My day has come!
(Alex rips the card.)
Alex Trebek: I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction...instead the new category is "Would you like a cookie?" Write.
("Final Jeopardy!" theme song plays.)
Alex Trebek: If you want one, just write yes. If you don't want one, just write no. Or if you want to draw a cookie getting peed on. Go right ahead.
("Final Jeopardy!" theme song is over.)
Alex Trebek: Okay, let's go to Cameron-
(Alex sees that Cameron is chewing Dakota's gum.)
Alex Trebek: Cameron, spit that out! You don't know where the hell that thing's been!
Cameron: (quietly) Douchebag...
(Cameron takes out his gum and sticks it on Alex Trebek's forehead.)
Alex Trebek: I appreciate the comment. Let's see what you wrote down.
(screen reveals nothing.)
Alex Trebek: Absolutely nothing...we'll it did say if you wanted a cookie and you didn't. Let's see the wager.
(Screen reveals: 11 Gazillion dollars.)
Alex Trebek: 11 gazillion dollars. Cameron, that's not even a real number.
Cameron: (points to Alex Trebek) Yet...
Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. Let's go to Dakota.
Dakota: What's it to you besides that pimple you got in your forehead?
Alex Trebek: That's your gum.
Dakota: Whatever the hell it is, it's creeping the hell out of me...
Alex Trebek: How offensive. Let's see what you wrote down.
(screen reveals Cookie Monster's head and his mouth is opening.)
Alex Trebek: Somehow...you managed to write down Cookie Monster...I guess that means you like cookies.
Dakota: What? No! I hate cookies. I tried to feed my teacup poodle with it, but all I smelled was fricking wine coolers and Red Bulls.
Alex Trebek: How friendly. Let's see how much you wagered...
(screen reveals a large line which inserts inside Cookie Monster's mouth. It is something nasty and too X-rated to be shown on TV.)
Alex Trebek: Ohhhhhh! How disgusting and gay of you...
Dakota: Yeah. I got a new name for him now. He's called Co-
Alex Trebek: (desperately) Let's go to Scott! Scott, you learn your lesson?
Scott: (smirking) We'll say that I have...
Alex Trebek: I don't know why you're grinning like a pee-drinking jackal...but let's see what you wrote down.
(screen reveals 4 cookies lined up.)
Alex Trebek: It's only 4 cookies. You like cookies! That's unbelievable! I am impressed! I mean, how do you do it?
Scott: It just came to me...
(Scott keeps smirking like an idiot.)
Alex Trebek: Well, you must be happy. Anything on your mind?
Scott: (snickering) You wanna see my wager?
Alex Trebek: Sure...I guess it wouldn't hurt. What did my winner wager?
(screen reveals: POOP.)
Scott: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Alex Trebek: Poop...how I didn't see that coming...
Scott: It's because you're full of s**t, Trebek! HAHAHAHAHA!
Alex Trebek: Well, seeing from what I saw here...you three are the most disgusting pieces of s**t I've ever seen.
Cameron: Hey, pimplehead! You gonna get rid of that?
(He looks back at Cameron and back to the camera.)
Alex Trebek: I changed my mind...make that three pieces of retarded s**t I have ever seen. That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth. Good day.
Looks like I did it again! Last up, will be Sam, Dawn and B! Yep, the closer. I was gonna include Staci, but since they're are 13 contestants in the new season, I can only do 12. Which is three an episode. Read and review until then.
