"Everyone have their swimsuits and towels…and arm floaties?"

Asajj frowned. "Why would we need arm floaties?"

The Emperor scoffed. "In case you go into deep water…duh." Asajj merely stared at the Emperor, not even able to muster the energy to look surprised.

&&&

"I'm excited, today is beach day!" Sly said happily. "I'm all ready, take a look." She pulled up her top, revealing she wasn't wearing a bra. "What? No…I don't have a bathing suit." She told the cameraman. She grinned. "Aren't they just wonderful though?"

&&&

"Anyone need sunblock?" Tarkin asked. "I have SPF 30."

"oh…sorry Tarkin, but I need you to stay behind." The Emperor said.

"But…it's beach day."

"I know…but hey, someone needs to guard the ship. Besides, what's the worse that can happen?"

Tarkin frowned. "The last time I stayed behind, the Rebels blew up the Death Star."

The Emperor nodded. "We can only hope for a repeat."

"What?"

"Nothing."

&&&

"There is another reason for this trip. You see, I'm not getting any younger, and because if have no sons…that I have good relationships with…and I need to insure things are in order. I need to prepare for my retirement. As such, I am going to be holding some contests today." The Emperor smiled. "Nothing too life threatening, but stuff that will help me decide who to name my heir. Oh, and I have Asajj taking notes."

&&&

Asajj help up the notepad in disgust.

&&&

"Whenever life gets you down…has you wearing a frown, and the gravy train has left you behind…when you are all out of hope, down at the end of your rope…and no one is there to throw you a liiiiiiine." Bob sang as the gang rode in the shuttle towards the site of Beach Day.

Mara joined him, as did Sly and Kurt. "If you ever get so low that you have no place to go, come and take a walk in my shoes…never worry about a thing, got the world on string, cause I got the cure for all of my bluuuuues!"

Everyone joined in at that point. "I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start a melting away."

"Ba-oooo-bop!" Veers sang.

"I take a look at my enormous penis and my happy times are comin' to stay."

&&&

"We're here!" The Emperor called out, leading the crew onto the planet. "Ladies and gentlemen…Lake Dagaboh." The crew laid out their beach blankets and umbrellas, even though the entire planet was an overcast swamp. "Ok…everyone up." The crew stared at each other, confused. "We are not just here to relax."

"Oh boy…" Xizor muttered.

"We are here to play so fun, exciting, not worthy anything coughbuttheyarecough beach games. I will be selecting 4 team leaders, completely at random…uh…Piett, Vader, Veers and Xizor, step forward and select your team mates."

Piett thought it over for a moment. "Kurt."

&&&

"Firmus Piett…pros…smart, cool, fun loving, great sense of humor…remind you of anyone?" The Emperor flashed a yellowed stained smile. "Cons…gets really freaked out whenever anyone mentions Princess Leia or ball gags."

&&&

"I choose you, my master." Vader said.

"Nope…I'm not playing, take Mara instead."

"…fine." Vader muttered. He glanced down at Mara. "Don't screw this up."

"I'd cut off your balls if they hadn't been burned off on Mustafar." Mara sneered

&&&

"Darth Vader…my apprentice…I selected him to be the next Lord of the Sith…however…turns out he is a whiny bitch."

&&&

"We are now going to choose team names. Vader?"

Vader held his head up high. "We will be Vader's Fist." Mara rolled her eyes, while Sly merely took out a hidden flask and downed some of its contents.

"Ok…we will be Padme's Fist." Piett announced, Kurt and Bob grinning.

"P…Padme?" Vader stammered.

"Yea…you want to beat us…beat us real bad till we die?" Piett asked.

Vader began to breath harder.

"Ok, ok…Xizor, your team name."

Xizor frowned. "I don't care what you call my team."

"Then you will be the Green Team."

"No…we will be the Danger Rangers." Xizor said smugly, Guri and Creed confused.

&&&

"I am considering Xizor…for all the good things aliens have done for the galaxy."

&&&

"We will be Team Palpatine." Veers announced, Cody and Aurra discussing they mutual hatred of Finding Nemo.

"Good…Asajj, make note that Veers enjoys kissing my ass."

&&&

"Veers…I needed another group leader." The Emperor shrugged.

&&&

"The first contest will be the great piggyback race. One member of your team will be blindfolded, another will ride on their back, shouting directions as you all race through the swamp."

"What about the other person?" Bob asked.

"What?" The Emperor questioned.

"There are three team members…one won't do anything?"

"Correct."

"Then why not make two more teams of those that don't get to play?" Cody asked.

"Asajj, note that Veers can't control his group. Ok, lets get started!" The group quickly began to get settled, deciding who would sit out and who would race. "On your mark…get set…go!"

"Turn left, Piett, left." Kurt said, Piett adjusting the Bothan's weight. "There you go."

"Right!" Mara shouted, just in time for Vader to smash into a tree branch. "no, the other right!" Vader ran into the same tree branch. "No…Texas right, which is ass backwards!"

Veers, meanwhile, was going rather slowly, thanks to Aurra. "Careful…careful…oh my god, there is against snake right in front of us…oh god back up! Back up! Don't let it bite me…oh god…"

Veers, in a panic, ripped off his blindfold…only to find that 1)The snake was 20 meters away, 2) it was 6 inches long, 3) Really a piece of string.

&&&

"Left…" Xizor said, Guri turning right. "What are you…"

"I have built in GPS." Guri said calmly, easily carrying Xizor. "I have calculated the fastest route." She paused, voice changing. "Travel 12.6 meters then take exit path to path I-17, on right, then stay left."

&&&

Kurt paused from giving Piett directions. "Oh, hi guys!" Kurt said happily, waving to a confused Yoda who was riding on Luke Skywalker's back. "Only way to travel, right?"

"Master Yoda…"

"Not want to know, I do." Yoda said simply.

&&&

"Now, keep walking straight." Mara called out, Vader slowly walking towards the large swamp monster that was waiting, jaws opened.

The Emperor sighed.

&&&

"There is nothing better then having a day off…watching other people have fun."

"Asajj, you're missing things!" The Emperor called out. "Less talkie more note takie."

&&&

Later on, the Emperor stood infront of the group, the crew seated at a large picnic able. "Ok…who's hungry?"

The crew mumbled.

"Uh…who's hungry?"

Aurra shrugged. "You took us to McDonalds before we came here, remember? We ate, like…an hour ago."

"…that's right, you're hungry!" The Emperor said quickly. "Our next contest is a mushroom eating contest!"

"Where did you find these?" Bob asked, poking the spotted mushroom.

"In the forest." The Emperor said.

"These could be poisonous!" Sly exclaimed.

The Emperor scoffed. "at worst they will give you nightmarish hallucinations."

Creed grinned and began eating.

"Come on…take that nub in your mouth and work it with your tongue."

"That's what she said." Everyone said.

"NO!" The Emperor roared. "This is no time for games…come on…"

"Why are we doing this?" Veers asked.

The Emperor sighed. "The winning team leader gets a prize."

"But the rest of us don't?" Kurt questioned.

"That sucks." Aurra said, pouting.

"This is very important…"

"What do we get?" Piett asked. "Moustache rides? A rusty trombone? A dirty Jar Jar?"

"The winner gets my job!" The Emperor shouted. The crew stared at him in shock, before Xizor began to cram the mushrooms into his mouth, Vader pulling out a blender and a feeding tube and stuffing mushrooms into the device.

&&&

"I'd let a rancor blow me if it meant I got to be the Emperor." Xizor said sternly. "Game on."

&&&

"Four…three…two…one…DONE!" The Emperor called out. "And the winner is Vader, with 32 mushrooms…Vader?"

Vader swayed slightly. "But I don't want to play find the salami, Watto!"

"oooookay…where the hell in Creed?"

&&&

Creed held out his bowl. "more soup, Mr. Brown."

Luke leaned over towards Yoda. "Uh…Master Yoda…what should we do?"

"Sleep in my room, you must…locks I have on doors. Discuss joining NAJPLA, we will."

Luke frowned as Yoda gave him a toothy grin. "What?"

"The North American Jedi/Padawan Love Association." Creed said, accepting more soup.

&&&

"I'm a founding member." Creed admitted.

&&&

"Simba…" Vader said, wrapping an arm around Kurt.

"Uh…what?"

"You must return and defeat Scar, my son."

"Huh?"

"The circle……the circle of life!"

&&&

"Very simple…" The Emperor said. "You must fight, wearing these silly costumes, trying to push your opponent out of the ring."

The camera panned back to reveal Piett, Xizor and Veers in Darth Vader Armor.

"Why doesn't Vader have to wear this?" Veers complained.

"Dude…my hands are huuuuuge!" Vader said, before giggling, falling out of the ring.

"Nevermind."

"Ready…go!"

Xizor glared at Veers and Piett, roaring in anger and running at them. Piett and Veers looked at each other, then leapt out of the circle.

&&&

"I've never seen any creature look like that." Piett said, voice trembling.

"Piett…would you think less of me if…if I asked you to hold me?" Veers asked, crying.

Piett hugged Veers close. "its ok…its ok…calm yourself tiny dancer."

&&&

"I'm just saying, we are the ow…in now." Vader said as Mara lead him over to the river.

"That's right…now, listen, Padme wanted me to tell you to go swimming in the river, okay?"

"This…is CNN." Vader answered.

"…I'll take that as a yes." She gave him a shove, watching Vader drift downstream. "Bye!" She glanced over at Piett and Veers, who were holding each other and crying. "God…where is a real man…" She froze, noticing Luke and Yoda training. "LUKE!" She screamed like a rabid fangirl, tripping over a root and knocking herself out.

"You hear something?" Luke asked.

"Hear nothing I did…mmm…focus on the rocks…" Yoda looked down at Luke butt. "Mmm…tense more."

&&&

"I knew finding a successor would be difficult…but Xizor has gone insane, Piett and Veers have turned into little girls…and where the hell is Vader?"

&&&

Vader rubbed his helmet, the river having deposited him in an underground cave. He groaned, only to notice a figure approaching…his son."

"Luke?" he called out, though it came out more like, "Noblah?". Luke stepped forward, extending his lightsaber. "Oh…you want to play with your daddy? Come to daddy!" Vader ignited his saber happily, talking baby talk as he swung as Luke, until…"My head, you chopped off my head!" Vader crawled over to the piece of wood Luke had really cut in half. "AAAAA!"

Luke slowly stepped away. "Wow, my mind can come up with some really strange visions."

&&&

"Who has the most points?" The Emperor asked.

"Points?" Asajj questioned. "You told me to take notes…not keep score."

"Damn it…I'll be back."

&&&

"What does a great Emperor need most of all? Courage."

Xizor sighed. "Here we go."

"That is why…I will challenge you all…by making you walk….on FIRE!" As he shouted that, Asajj threw a balloon full of gas on some logs, causing them to explode in flames. "Who among you has the guts to replace me?"

"I do, but I'm not scarring myself to do it." Xizor said. "Not that scars don't look nice on you."

The Emperor frowned. "Piett?"

"Pass."

"Veers?"

Veers blew his nose. "My mother never sang me to sleep!"

Piett patted his back. "He's getting in touch with his feelings."

"Kurt…I can imagine you flaming."

Kurt just stared at the camera.

"I'm gonna do it." Asajj said calmly. "Because I've always wanted to, and I get off on pain."

"no." The Emperor said. "This is for Emperor…not Empress. Come on…someone…"

"My head…my son cut off my head!" Vader cried out, crashing through the bush. He stared at the fire for a moment. "MUSTAFAR!" Vader began to scream in a panic, shaking violently.

"He's having a Vietnam flashback."

"OBI WAN! OBI WAN!"

&&&

"Wow…" The Emperor said quietly, Vader wrapped in a blanket and shivering. "Ok…it is time for the tie breaker…the one that will decide it all…because that this point I am thinking of just cloning myself and transferring my soul to the clone or taking over the body of an unborn, force sensitive child."

"That…makes no sense." Piett said.

"And it really sounds like bad writing…even worse then a fan fiction. Its like some pathetic writer decided to come up with an idea to bring you back so they could have drama in their novel, but all it came to was an abortion on a dirty plate." Kurt said.

"…which is why I need a successor. This will test your most important aspect…comedy. Xizor…tell your best joke."

"Ok…knock knock."

The Emperor grinned. "Whose there?"

"Give me the damn job, I'm most qualified." Xizor said coldly, sitting down. Behind them all, Asajj removed her boots and looked as the coal walk.

"Uh…Veers?"

"I was the one that hit the art teacher's car!" Behind Veers, Asajj raced across, cheering as she finished.

The Emperor frowned. " Piett?"

Piett frowned. "I…I don't think you should consider me, Emperor."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm…"

"I did it!" Asajj cried out. "I did it! I did the coal walk!" She grinned, pumping her fist. "I feel so alive…wow…it…this is just…" She glanced at everyone. "I did it…you all think I'm a nobody…but I'm braver then all of you. Maybe I should be the Emperor." She took a deep breath. "Wow…uh…I just feel so alive…feel like I can just say what I want…Mara's breasts are fake. She brags that they are real, but they are fake, I've seen the scars. Yea, that's right, me and Mara did it…and it was just as nasty and hot as Bob is thinking it was." Bob grinned. "The Emperor wears panties…and I think he stole mine. Xizor was born a chick. The only person not hiding something Kurt…sweet, innocent Kurt." Kurt frowned, looking down at his official Rebel alliance beach towel. "I have a secret too…I'm in love with Piett. I have been for years…but I was too scared to admit it…but now I can…"

Piett cleared his throat. "Retiring."

"What?" Asajj asked, confused.

"I'm retiring…at the end of the month. I…I can't work here anymore. And I can't be around anything that reminds me of this place…and that includes you, Asajj." Piett lowered his head. "I'm sorry."

The crew all sat around, stunned, Asajj near tears.

"I am so horny but I have no balls." Vader finally said.

"Now isn't the time for jokes." Cody hissed.

"Joke?"