A/N:
I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY! I'll save it until the end, though I really really would like you all to read it. It has all my 'thank you's' there. For now I'll just say that this was very hard to get through because I keep having ideas about future chapters that I want to write about making it REALLY hard to focus on the present. Also, sorry it took so long but, ya know, see previous sentence for my excuse.
DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.
Chapter 12
Slip You Into A Trance
Oikawa couldn't believe the events of the past weeks. Each time he sat across from her he felt unprecedented contentment. It seemed that to be in proximity of Naka-chan was to be fulfilled. It was as if the days that passed were the pins of a long rusted lock, shuddering and scraping away from the narrow tunnel that led to her true self. He could feel each one close behind him, locking him forever onto that path.
He realized that each day after the first had solidified his affection for her to another degree and that soon mere friendship would become as painful as forcing himself to dissolve their connection. Memories of the passing days held more highlights of her than anything else. He was no longer the subject of his own life, she was.
Although Iwa-chan had stressed the necessity of keeping their relationship platonic it was difficult not to outright show his deeper feelings for Naka. Many times he received an overly stern glare from his friend, a warning that his flirtatiousness was becoming too apparent. Worse still was his inability to focus completely during volleyball practice, finding his eyes roaming too many times over to her.
It became like a fix. He was impatient all morning waiting for the clocks to signal the lunch hour. He left his class too quick now for his admirers to accost him, though they still had opportunities before and after school. Every time she would be sitting in her desk and looking directly at the door as if she was as eager as he. The chair he sat in was already pushed up to her desk and a space had been made for him next to her bento. For the moment, those little gestures were enough to fill the gaping void she had left in him. For the moment.
But that changed one Thursday. One week before the Inter Highs.
Outside his classroom in the morning he noticed Sato standing expectantly in front of classroom 5, arms crossed and a sour look on her face. He nudged Iwa-chan and nodded in her direction.
"I wonder what Naka-chan did now." He asked, smiling.
At that moment Sato-chan's impatient glare swung their direction and she made a beeline toward them.
"Have you seen Mari-chan?" The irritation was clear in her voice.
"She tutored this morning. She's probably still in the education wing."
Iwaizumi would be the only voice of reason in Naka-chan's absence and attempted to imbue the same soothing certainty she always had.
"Well she was supposed to have breakfast with me. I had to eat both of the omelets I brought!"
Oikawa laughed.
"Surely you didn't have to, Sato-chan?" She glared at him.
"It's getting close to the start of class and she's ignoring my angry texts-"
"I wonder why?"
She ignored Oikawa's interruption and continued.
"So, Iwa-kun you'll just have to chastise her for me" She demanded.
"You're in a grumpy mood today Sato-chan."
Oikawa leaned against the wall and gave her a winning grin. Sato found no humor in his words and rolled her eyes.
"If you think this is grumpy then don't catch me before 8 in the morning."
"Oh! That's like Iwa-chan! He can't stand waking up before-"
Oikawa s quieted as Iwaizumi growled next to him. Though he had stopped talking his smile did not fade. He leaned closer to Sato-chan and held a lazy hand up to make a show of 'hiding' his words.
"Actually, he's grumpy all the time."
"Oi, shittykawa I can hear you." Iwaizumi grumbled and his friend looked at him sweetly.
The warning bell rang signaling to the group that they would have to pick up their conversation at lunch. With small waves they departed into their respective classrooms, all waiting for the appearance of the friend that tied them all together.
Just fifteen minutes into the lesson Oikawa felt his phone vibrate. He 'strategically' looked down to see that it was a group message between Iwaizumi, Sato, and himself.
Iwa-chan
'Has Himari responded to you yet?'
Sato
'No! Did you tell her how upset I was?'
There was a break in the messages for just a minute before his phone buzzed again.
Iwa-chan
'She hasn't come to class.'
Sato
'WHAT'
Shittykawa
'...'
He tried to keep his face impassive to hide the fact that his attention was elsewhere. Forcing himself to pick up his pencil he jotted down the words of his teacher robotically. Why was her absence so unsettling? Was he because it had been Iwa-chan to first show concern? Or that Naka-chan was not the type to shirk her schoolwork? His phone buzzed a few more times.
Iwa-chan
'Maybe she's in the bathroom'
Sato
'For 15 minutes?
Sato
'After class started?'
Sato
'She didn't skip our breakfast plans for the BATHROOM!'
Shittykawa
'I don't think we can speculate on that. After all what DO girls do in the bathroom anyway?.'
He was trying to convince himself as much as he was Sato while trying to keep the mood light. There was no reason to jump to conclusions. There were plenty of reasons for Naka-chan to be late to class. Plenty of normal, non-anxiety-inducing reasons. The best thing to do was to remain as much like himself as possible.
Sato
'Is her bag in the classroom?'
Iwa-chan
'Yes.'
Sato
'Okay, now I really am worried. That means she left it there to come back to.'
Sato
'Will someone text Matsukawa? He tutors with her right? I don't have his number.'
Shittykawa
'I will.'
His response was quick, he was too wrapped up in the conversation, forgetting to pretend to listen to the lecture. Mattsun's number was punched in with too much energy and his message was abrupt and very unlike him.
Shittykawa
'Did you see Nakahara this morning?'
Matsukawa, like many people, was not very likely to look at his phone in the middle of a lesson. Minutes ticked by with Sato-chan sending nervous messages about Naka-chan but the reply still didn't come. Fidgeting, his pulse rising with every message, Oikawa had just about made his mind up to leave his classroom when they were released for lunch.
While his senses were shocked at the amount of time that had passed, his body moved rapidly out the door. He bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet as he waited for the flow of students to subside. As soon as it abated he rushed into the room and found Iwaizumi holding Naka-chan's bag, looking inside of it. He pulled out her phone.
"Okay, this is bad."
They both turned to see Sato striding with purpose toward them.
"She doesn't have her phone. She always has her phone."
Oikawa wasn't able to confirm that but he saw Iwa-chan nod his head and the situation felt a little more dire. His phone vibrated.
Mattsun
'Yes. She was tutoring with me.'
Shittykawa
'Did you see her go back to class?'
Mattsun
'I don't know if she went there right away, I didn't see her when I left. Oikawa why are you asking me this?'
Oikawa didn't respond. He was thinking of the first part of the message. 'He didn't see her on his way back to class.' He saw the way his friends looked to him for information, for an easy explanation as to where Naka-chan was. Words and phrases to ease the tension crossed his mind but with the worry creeping up his back they all felt wrong. He wasn't strong enough to bear the brunt of it alone and put on a show of normalcy.
"Mattsun said he saw her leave the tutoring room. He said he didn't know if she went to the classroom right away."
"Well, she obviously didn't. She's not here." Sato-chan's voice began to waver.
Between the three of them he was sure he wasn't the only one thinking about getting a school staff member involved. She had been missing for hours with no way to contact anyone, no way for anyone to contact her. The memory of her frantic, anxious, and hyperventilating on the bench in his neighborhood accosted him and would not fade.
"Let's go to the tutoring classroom." Iwaizumi spoke into the thick of their nervous tension. "We'll see the routes she could have taken from there."
Oikawa could have kissed him for being so level-headed while his stress muddied his brain; for being strong when he could not. As the group made their way at a near run he thought that Iwa-chan might have been the most frantic out of all of them. It must have seemed familiar, the worry they were all feeling for this girl. He had felt similar worry for his sister before her passing. Iwaizumi had blamed himself for being too late to help Sakiko; he would surely be burdened by that as they searched for Naka-chan.
It wasn't entirely the same, Naka-chan didn't have the same depression as Sakiko, but it felt similar enough that Oikawa brought a hand out to touch his friend's shoulder when they finally stopped at the classroom. They didn't bother looking inside. If she had been there for some unprecedented reason the administrator in charge of the room would have had her collect her things.
"Okay, let's just go down the hallway and think of where she could have gone." Iwaizumi showed some strain then.
They were all unsure of whether or not they would actually find anything as they fanned out in the hallway as if they were a search party. 'I guess we are.' Oikawa's thoughts unsettled him. Calling themselves a 'search party' made the whole situation seem so much worse.
"No way." Sato-chan suddenly spoke and started running.
"Hey! Wait, do you know where she is?" Oikawa shouted after her.
He and Iwaizumi quickly caught up with her.
"There's a girls bathroom around the corner. I know I said she wouldn't be in the bathroom but-" She cut herself off when she realized that no one was questioning her.
Any idea as to Naka-chan's whereabouts was worth pursuing and where else could a student have gone unnoticed for this amount of time? They rounded the turn and Oikawa's stomach flipped over. What would they find, if anything? Were they overreacting? Sato-chan threw the bathroom door open and his insides froze at once. They had been right to worry.
Naka-chan was there, shaken, disheveled, bruised, bleeding. The obvious suffering in her eyes paired with her appearance nearly made him cry out in shock. He moved forward quickly, the instinct to hold her in his arms and assess any damage had taken control, but the movement behind him made him stop. Iwaizumi and Sato quickly rushed around him.
Of course, she would want someone she knew better to comfort her. After all, what could he do after knowing her such a short time. Iwa-chan and Sato-chan had years of friendship to guide them on what to do. Oikawa could do nothing but stand and watch them worry over her. She was paying dumb but the distress on her face was a dead giveaway that she lied. Even after showing her the blood coming from her lip she stubbornly sat on the sink counter, denying them a true answer.
It seemed obvious to him that she was sitting in order to hide the weakness in her legs. She held onto the counter, knuckles white as the curled over the edge. 'Why is she lying?' A simple fall wouldn't have detained her for so long. No. She was hiding something, something very painful.
In that moment his body could no longer obey his brain, the need to take care of her was too powerful and the blood on her face too frightening. As if on instinct he wet a towel to wipe her cheek clean taking the utmost care. He tried to focus on easing the tightness in his throat so he could speak to her.
"You don't think we'll buy that do you?" He asked as gently as he could.
It took only one beat of his heart for her eyes to fill with tears. She leaned forward, closing the space between them, and her hands tugged at his vest. The napkin fell from his grasp and his hands busied themselves in her hair. The reaction was automatic; a learned behavior from his childhood when his mother would do the same for him. The finger strokes through his hair always calmed him.
Thankfully, her breathing steadied, the sobbing quieted, and he stopped moving his hands, prepared for her to raise her head but she didn't. She stayed locked between her arms with her hands resting on his abdomen so he left his hands to lay gently on her head. Iwa-chan and Sato-chan had stayed just behind him, quiet, unwilling to disturb Naka as she rested. No one seemed to want to speak either to keep from upsetting her or from uncertainty of what to say. Oikawa knew he had no words for someone in distress outside of the volleyball court. He was also content to sit in silence for, although the moment was rife with worry and concern for her, he selfishly enjoyed the feel of the mutual touch they shared.
Minutes ticked by and the lunch hour was half gone. Turning his head to look at Iwaizumi, Oikawa tried to let him know with just a look that he was going to try and rouse Naka-chan. He received no resistance and turned back to her. His hands moved slightly to the sides while still touching her soft hair and he leaned forward, pushing her head farther up his chest. He rested his cheek close to her ear.
"Naka-chan, will you speak to us?"
The whisper sounded so unlike him. Oikawa had never spoken in such a gentle and careful manner to anyone before which may have been the reason she finally stirred.
I felt him move away from me when I lifted my head from his body but the loss of touch was too disconcerting and instinctively my hands grabbed the sleeve of his dress shirt. My demanding pull didn't seem to bother him and he rested his hand on my arm. The three gazed at me expectantly but reserved. I knew none of them would push me overmuch but they all had hope that I would enlighten them as to what caused my sorry state. The minutes I spent crying had been mostly focused on working through what I was feeling in order to properly and logically decide what to do.
The shock I felt when I turned around to an unknown face was all too familiar and had me reeling from the start. Flashes of my previous trauma interrupted my vision, juxtaposed against what had gone on in the bathroom. From the moment I saw them the instinct to flee had been all consuming but quickly I registered the intent of their intimidation. They were attempting to blackmail me into staying away from Oikawa, threatening to expose what they thought was happening between the volleyball club members and myself.
Though untrue, the threat had been extremely effective playing on the darkness inside me that insisted I was dirty and less than whole. If the rumors began and the student body believed them I would receive looks and hear whispers that I already fought against in my own head. Seeing them brought to life in the eyes of my peers would no doubt be devastating.
I swallowed bile that burned my throat and looked at my friends. They had walked closer, surrounding me with love and protection and I felt that fighting this battle alone wouldn't make any sense. I had to have people I trusted or the loneliness would be crippling. With Oikawa's hand, warm and comforting, on my arm I drew a breath.
"My lip was bleeding because I bit it," I saw Aoi begin to protest, thinking I was again trying to lie, but I held a hand up to stop her, "but not during a fall. When I was in the bathroom three girls surprised me and threatened me."
The fingers on my arms twitched and I looked at Oikawa but he said nothing.
"Why did they threaten you?" Hajikun asked before Aoi-chan could begin her outraged string of expletive.
His voice to many people would have seemed to hold his usual surliness but I could hear the anger building with every word he spoke. I looked nervously at Oikawa and then looked at my fingers pulling at the hem of my skirt.
"They heard a few members of the volleyball club had my number. They think it's because," I had to stop and bite my lip.
Incredibly, I felt laughter bubbling up in me though I was still emotionally ragged and afraid. It seemed so ridiculous to say out loud and my nerves were frayed at the thought of telling my friends about such a horrible and embarrassing thing. But I had gone this far and forced myself to remain as composed as I could be before speaking again.
"They think it's because I sleep with them. That they have my number to call me to have sex. And I- I just couldn't handle it. I was so upset that I kept throwing up until I eventually fell asleep. I had just woken up when you arrived."
Oikawa maneuvered his arm away from my touch only to shift and hold my hands in his. They all had shock and outrage and anger plastered on their faces and immediately I felt better. They believed me. They were concerned for me. None of them tried to downplay it or tell me to 'just ignore it'. I hoped for as much from Hajikun who had heard my story first hand in our support group, as well as Aoi-chan who knew just the basics. But Oikawa... As usual, Oikawa, who knew nothing of my past, continued to surprise me.
"Why? Who are these girls and why do they want to do that to you? That's insane! Ugh, if I had been there I would have said words that would have them running for days."
Aoi-chan was rigid and her hands were clenched into fists. I reached out to console her, to brush away some of her anger and she responded minimally. I sighed.
"They want me to stop having lunch with Oikawa."
The atmosphere shifted greatly. The dark mood had for a moment been replaced by absolute surprise.
"Oh." Oikawa said quietly as he slid his hands from mine.
It felt like a slap to the face. He turned away from me and I felt dread in my belly. I knew what he would do, of course I knew. He and I had no deep connection to each other. He knew nothing of how I felt about him, not that it would have had any bearing on his actions. No, all we had was an awkward friendship that had frankly baffled me. Whatever intrigue might have prompted him to continue the friendship would have been squashed with the drama I had incurred. The value of the meager relationship we had was too ridiculously small for him to endure the impending whispers of why he was associating with the harlot of the volleyball club.
Yes, I knew what he would do, should do, and I still fought against it.
"Listen, the initial shock is gone and I've realized I overreacted. It's not a big deal, who cares what they say? I can just ignore it."
My stomach turned as I spoke the words I had scoffed at mere minutes before. It would be a big deal but at that moment the idea of severing ties with Oikawa seemed much more unpleasant. I realized with despair that though I had tried to trick myself, told myself that it was just friendship, I had fallen a little more every day. Fallen so far that climbing back out seemed impossible.
Each time he had smiled, the smile he saved for those closest to him, he put a chink in my armor. Every laugh we shared weekend my resolve. Any look cast in my direction slowly carved a path directly to my heart. We were friends but he was now infinitely more important to me than the threats of a few girls. His presence in my life was rooted deep that his absence would leave a scar.
It wasn't fair. I hadn't even had time to bask in the thrill of liking someone. My insecurities and trauma tainted every emotion and, just as I was about to lose him, I was swearing that if he didn't end our friendship, if he sat down and tried to work through this then I wouldn't shy away from the terror of attraction. I promised myself that I would enjoy every moment and let myself grow. Accept the discomfort of liking someone and work through my issues instead of pushing away the best feeling I had ever known. But as I promised that to myself Oikawa turned toward the door and the new sensation of rejection coursed through me painfully.
"It's not worth it."
The quiet words were fireworks in my brain. Deafening and bright and angry red. They stayed in my mind's eye, stark fiery crimson against black, and spelled his words. Self loathing permeated all of me down to my bones and the glare of the fireworks still did not fade. Of course it wasn't worth it.
Before I had time to react physically Oikawa was halfway to the door. He was still faced away when said that he was returning to his classroom to eat before lunch ended. Looking at me with regret, with barely contained anger, Hajikun whispered a promise to me.
"We'll talk about this Sunday."
Then, he too left leaving Aoi-chan and myself alone. Our eyes locked and I could tell she wanted to say something. To speak soothing words perhaps. Comforting words that would attempt to make the situation less than it was. I had run off our new friends with a few sentences and nothing she could say would change that.
"It's not a big deal." I spoke a little too brightly. "Now those girls have no reason to spread lies."
I surprised myself by shrugging my shoulders and headed for the door. Aoi-chan followed me, wary, and mentioned quietly that we still had a few minutes to eat our lunches. I responded with a forced smile though my stomach was turning at the thought of food.
The hallways were busy with students talking and eating but the sound was muffled like they were all contained inside of a shell being held up to my ear. 'It's okay. Just make it back to the classroom.' I looked over at Aoi and smiled as best I could, trying to convince her that my casual attitude about what transpired wasn't a show. I could tell she badly wanted to talk to me about what happened but my demeanor or possibly the look on my face kept her at bay. At least until we arrived at my classroom.
Hajikun's bag was gone and I ignored the steel in my belly as I walked to mine. I held it up, ready to take out my lunch, when I asked myself if I could continue to act as if nothing had happened. Could I make it the rest of the day? My teacher would question my absence. Could I lie without breaking down?
"Himari, don't you want to talk about it?"
My hands gripped my bag tighter. I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to stay at school. No, not just that I didn't want to. I couldn't. I couldn't last five more minutes let alone the rest of the day.
"Aoi-chan, I'm still feeling sick from earlier. I think I'm going to go home."
Without waiting for a response, without looking at her, I left. She called after me, she may have even taken a few steps intending to follow but I didn't hear her. I wasn't really there. I was under the fireworks trying to hold the painful darkness of my mind at bay.
A/N:
I see what you guys are doing. I see RIIIIIIGGGGHHHHTT through you. You just KNOW that your reviews make me want to write nonstop to put out more chapters for you. Well, it's absolutely working, so keep it up (please)! 3 much love to you all. And also please bear with me on the updates because with many admirers comes more perceived pressure on my part to make sure the writing is up to snuff. I might be overly critical and scour each page many times before I post. I'll try to cut back.
LilweenGalatrass: You are hilarious man and I AM SO SORRY because this chap definitely didn't go the way you probably wanted.
darkwryter: also really really sorry to you because Oikawa is so UGHSDLFJ in this chapter.
ICan'tThinkOfACleverUsername: Why THANK you :) I'll try to post with more frequency now that this road block of a chapter is out of the way.
Sekai Kun: Dude, I hope like, a week or so was enough time for you to get some damned sleep. I totally promise that this story isn't going to be all sad. Fluff to come! Let's just all get over this terrible mountain of feels and angst and then the other side will certainly be greener. Right?
TheChildishWriter: Thank you! That's such a big complement for me because I totally tend to skip right to the meat of a story. I hope you didn't skip this one too much (I did)
Minki: I totally get where you're coming from and honestly I had reservations about adding more of Himari and Mattsun's relationship. I ended up adding it because I liked it better than what I had originally wrote. I also think that, as reserved as Himari is, she wouldn't talk about all the things she is interested in/does. Partially based off of my life and how people don't usually know much about me though they consider me a close friend because I always steer the conversation toward them. I do agree that the inclusion could have been more smooth. It was hard for me not to be impatient since I scrapped the original scene and rewrote it. Also, because I was just so damned ready for some physical contact between the two. T^T
Another note is that, as most probably know, PTSD, anxiety, and other mood disorders are different for each person. Often, the busiest people or the ones we think are the most put together are the ones struggling the most. It's important for me to have my character have a full, ordinary looking life from the outside while she struggles with her inner demons.
As always, your reviews (dare I say, critiques?) make me stop and think about what I'm writing. Thank you.
