Chapter Twelve: Inner Demons

Panic moved through my veins. I wasn't going to make it. The headlights were directly behind me. The engine was roaring. The gas pedal was against the floor. What did I do? The question kept repeating itself over and over again in my mind. It finally stopped when the truck slammed into the back of my car. It jostled me, sending more panic to run through me. I quickly pulled my seatbelt on. I didn't want to die, despite my actions tonight. What was I going to do now? I wasn't going to get out of this unless one of us was in the ditch. The truck hit me again. I could see his face in my rearview mirror. The grin that was smeared on his face made my eyes narrow and part of the fear was replaced with anger. I may have taunted but he was the one who brought the rain. Only no one messes with me. Fear is a part of life. Fear is normal. But I'm a hunter and you don't mess with hunters. Especially when their afraid.

The next thing I knew I was hitting the brakes. He slammed into the back of the car. I turned the wheel as the car shifted to the side. Hitting the gas again I headed the opposite direction. He skidded to a stop as I did the same. I could've just driven away, could've just let it go. Instead I whipped the car around. I raced toward the truck. He hit the gas, smoke streaming from behind his tires. My eyes narrowed as the game of chicken ensued. Was I crazy? Yes. Was I more than likely going to lose? Yes. So why was I doing it? I don't know. I guess I was more screwed up then I thought.

Giving the wheel a sharp jerk, I hit the truck on its left corner. The headlight exploded and I skidded across the side of the truck. As my car rounded the end of the truck, I started to lose control. I managed to get it back, speeding down the road, away from the truck. But the headlight was back in my rearview and he was coming fast. I had moved him past fun and into pissed off and out for blood. He slammed into the back again before coming up along the left side. He veered away before slamming into the side of the car. I raised my arm to shield my face as the glass shattered. He did it again. I surprised myself that I was still on the road. But that small realization was enough for me to lose my concentration. He backed off enough to hit my back corner. As the car moved to the side he hit the gas and now was pushing me along the road. The headlight was blinding me as I tried to focus on what was happening.

Memories flooded my mind. I died the last time this happened. The semi…the blood…the leaving. I left Dean that day. I left him. What the hell was I doing? I jerked the wheel and managed to get out from in front of it. Only the action made it unstable. A bump in the road just added to it and pretty soon I felt the car tilt and soon I was bracing myself as the car started to roll. I instinctively put my hands on the roof of the car. I felt pain as the roof caved in and I felt metal puncture my hand. After the fifth roll the car finally settled on its left side. I could feel the pulse of pain as I lifted myself from the pavement. I could feel the blood from the road rash that covered my arm. I was dazed. My breathing and heartbeat were the prominent sounds in my ears. I looked up, seeing the moon and the stars. I nodded to myself as I slowly climbed from the car. I managed to crawl out of the window before falling to the pavement. For a second I just laid there. Just laid there and was just happy to be alive.

Then footsteps caught my ears and I turned to see the man from the truck limping toward me. I rolled to my feet. My legs were fine. I held myself high and moved towards him. I wasn't going to go down without a fight. If he still wanted to go then we were gonna go. I widened my stance and ducked as he threw the first punch. He swung again, I leaned back to avoid it. He yelled with anger as I avoided another blow. He rushed forward and grabbed me. He threw me to the ground before kicking my abdomen. Grabbing his foot as he came at me again I managed to put him off balance, getting to my feet. Then I threw my own. I hit him hard across the face. Hard enough to make him fall. Hard enough to knock him out. No more playing. No more, just…no more.

Stumbling a few steps I fell to my knees. My body was full of pain. Bad, bad pain. Which meant I was alive. I was alive. Usually death was a little more peaceful so, for right now, I was still very much alive. I felt in my pocket for my phone. I had put it on silent. There were twelve missed calls from Dean. Some from both Sam and Bobby. I just put the phone back in my pocket and looked to the sky. I had started the night in the hopes of being alone. I wanted to continue to be alone. I wasn't going to call. None of them. Only one could find me with ease and I didn't want to see him. Of all people, I didn't want to see him. Not him.

"What are you doing?" The familiar husky voice asked.

I practically broke down at the sound. I shook my head as tears fell down my cheeks. Looking up I saw Cass. "Please go away." I told him breathlessly.

"What happened?" He asked walking toward me.

"No." I said putting up my hand. "Just stop."

"Let me help you." He said holding out his hands.

"No." I said and slowly got to my feet. "I need you to go away."

"Why?" He asked.

"Because you confuse things. You confuse things and I can't have you confusing things." I said and tried to walk but ended up on my knees again. He moved to me, reaching for me. "No." I said shaking my head.

"Evy, please." He said kneeling in front of me.

I continued to shake my head as I averted my eyes. I didn't want to look at him. I couldn't look at him. I wanted to just be alone. Wanted some sort of relief. I wanted my husband. Instead I had an angel kneeling in front of me.

"Please look at me." Cass said sadly.

"I can't." I told him. "I can't."

"Please, Evy, just look at me." He said slowly lifting my chin. I shut my eyes, frowning, wishing that they wouldn't open. "Open your eyes." He said gently.

"I don't want to." I told him.

"Open your eyes."

I tried to resist. Tried to keep them shut. But I couldn't. I opened my eyes. His eyes were a piercing blue. They were looking through me. They were seeing everything I was. Everything I am. Tears filled my eyes and all I wanted to do was look away, but I couldn't. They held me. Held me and wouldn't let me go.

"Where's Dean?" I asked him.

He sighed and lowered his eyes. I took a deep breath, feeling his hold on me release. "Let me heal you." He replied.

"No. Not yet." I told him.

"Why not?" He asked with a frown.

"Because he needs to be here first. I can't have you heal me without him."

"Why?"

"Because I can't be alone with you anymore. I just can't. The pain will hold me back. But if you heal me…if you…touch me…if you…if you just…" I said and couldn't go on. He didn't listen. In the next second the pain was gone. I stood and frowned at him. "Go away, Cass."

"Let me take you to your husband." He replied.

"No!" I yelled and moved away from him. "Don't touch me."

He sighed and disappeared. I turned and ran my fingers through my hair. I almost wanted the pain from the accident back. The pain without it was worse. The conflict within my own body. Wanting things I shouldn't. Feeling things I shouldn't. Why couldn't things just be cut and dry? Why couldn't I just be happy? I had the guy. I had everything I wanted but still I couldn't find my happy place and stay there. I sat on the pavement and looked at the scene. Two cars with small fires. A man unconscious on the pavement. Tire tracks everywhere with car parts littering the road. I couldn't help but laugh. I caused this. This was my fault and I did it for nothing. There was no motive. There was nothing to push me to do any of this but my own misery. My own demons led me to this. I wasn't any better than the demons we fought.

"Evy!"

I looked up to see Dean running toward me. "I'm sorry!" I told him quickly getting to my feet. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

He didn't say a word; he simply took my head in his hands and kissed me. Kissed me like it was the first and last time. Kissed me till I couldn't breathe.

"Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded. "Good." He said and kissed me again.

"I'm sorry, Dean." I told him again.

"Why are you so sorry?" He frowned at me.

"I…caused this. I was out and then I got into a bar fight and then it turned into a car chase and then…this." I said motioning to the scene.

"You weren't hurt?" He asked.

"Oh, no, I was." I told him nodding. "Not life threatening or anything but…there was blood."

"But…" He said looking me up and down.

"Cass…" I said running my fingers through my hair.

"He always seems to show up doesn't he?" He replied sounding agitated.

"He really does." I told him. "I told him to leave but he wouldn't."

"You were going to just stay here hurt and alone?" He frowned.

"No. I would have found a way to get back. My phone still worked." I replied.

"You couldn't even walk." Cass stated from a few feet away.

"Shut up." I frowned at him. Dean just looked at me. "I was fine. I was just shaken up. Once the adrenaline ebbed out I would have been fine. I would have called and gotten back to you. I didn't plan this." I told him.

"You're lucky an angel saved your ass." Dean told me.

"I don't think he should be around anymore." I said quickly.

"Why not? Is there something else going on?" He asked.

"No!" I replied angrily. "And yes! I don't know!" I said pacing away from him. "And this is the problem."

"I just don't make you happy anymore do I?" Dean said with a small laugh.

"What?" I said turning back to him. "That is so far from true you have no idea."

"Then what is it between you and him?" He shot at me.

"Ask him!" I yelled pointing at Cass. "I can repeat myself only so much. I said no. I said no closeness. It can't be anything like before. I told him that. How many times do have to tell him that?"

Dean sighed and put his hands on my arms. "I'm sorry. This whole thing is…I don't even know what it is."

"Neither do I." I replied putting my hands on his chest. "He makes things confusing. I don't want to be confused. I already know what I want and I have it. I just was not prepared to deal with all of this. Between you being alive, and Sam using powers from demon blood, and an angel showing up all the time…" I said and shook my head. "I wasn't prepared to deal with all of this."

"I'll take you both home." Cass told us.

"Just, go away." I told him.

"Evy." Dean said gently.

"What?" I shot at him. "Now you want me to be nice to him? He's the reason I'm struggling with all my feelings and shit and you want me to be nice to him?"

"Evy, just calm down." He told me.

"He knows what he's doing. He keeps showing up and it's always when I'm all alone. When I'm vulnerable and should be in your arms. Instead he shows up with his words and brings up before and…and…and I'm done." I said pacing away from him again.

"What exactly are you done with?" Dean asked. "Just to clarify."

"Him!" I yelled pointing at Castiel. "And for being the damsel in distress. For being the one who has to cry all the time. For being weak and scared and unable to deal with shit. Hell, I'm done with life in general. I'm just done." I said and walked away from them.

"Evy, stop." Dean said annoyance in his voice.

I whipped around and pointed at him. "Don't talk to me like that. Don't talk to me like I'm being ridiculous. Like this is just a tantrum that I'll get over in a few minutes. I am tired, Dean. Can't I have just a small amount of relief?"

"Was this what it was? Relief?" He asked gesturing to the scene. "Was this the relief you were looking for? Nearly killing yourself?" I just looked at him. "What happened to you, Evy? What happened to my wife?"

"I don't know." I said shaking my head. "Maybe this was my way of asking for help when I didn't know how."

"You can talk to me. You've always been able to talk to me." He said sadly.

"I know." I said nodding. "Then you died and I was put through hell. An emotional hell that this man helped me get through. Then he gets just about as close to me as anyone has and, without preparing me, takes me to you. I had no time to get used to any of it. To having you alive. To saying goodbye to him. There was no in between. I went from feeling for one man to feeling for the man I lost. How do you do that?" I asked him with tears in my eyes.

"I don't know." He replied shaking his head.

"Exactly. Neither do I." I replied. "But I'm in love with two men. I love you more. I know that. But he holds more of me then I thought and it hurts. Maybe time apart is in order. You all fight the apocalypse and I'll just keep fighting." I said falling to my knees. "I'm tired of trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I'm hurt and I'm confused and I'm tired."

He knelt in front of me and took my hands. "You're not going anywhere. Let me help. How can I help?" He asked. I looked up at him. "I'm not giving up on you. You're mine. Not his. I don't care if you love him. I don't care if he loves you. I didn't go to Hell and back just to lose you. Not now. Not ever. I'm keeping you and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I do."

"Since when are you so understanding? I feel like you're letting me get away with too much. I love you. God, I love you so much. I'm sorry I'm all broken inside. But thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me." I told him, squeezing his hands. He just winked and kissed me.

As much as Cass seemed to hold a part of me Dean still had all of me. With Cass it was lust. With Dean it was love. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gently cried. I was shaking and he simply held me against him. But throughout all of this there was one thing we hadn't thought of. The fact that there was a man on the ground that I had knocked out, who we hadn't added into the equation yet tonight. Smiling at Dean we both got to our feet. He put his arm around me, turning back toward Cass. I rested my head against Dean's chest but for a second my eyes met Cass's. I had been trying to be so angry at him even though I wasn't. I didn't want to be angry at him even though I frowned at him. Then time seemed to stand still. There was a gun shot, then pain in the middle of my chest that faded almost instantaneously. Everything was moving in slow motion as Dean caught me in his arms. Cass was in front of me in a second. I put my hand on his face as he did the same. Putting my other hand over Dean's arms, he slowly lowered me to the ground. I could see the panic in Cass's eyes. Yet they told me so much more. In the next second he wasn't in front of me anymore and Dean's voice was a whisper in my ear. It was already hard to breathe.

"Dean." I said as the fear threatened to take control.

"Baby, you're gonna be all right." He said holding me tight.

"I'm just screwing up everywhere lately." I smiled as I tried to breathe.

He actually laughed before kissing me deeply. It was then that I saw the pain written all over his face. I ran my fingers down his face, staring into his eyes.

"No, you're not." He said shaking his head. "You're not screwing up. You could never screw up enough for me to ever think less of you."

"I doubt that." I smiled.

"Just hang on." He told me. "Cass!" He yelled.

"Guess it's a perk of having…an…angel around." I told him and tried to take a breath. "Even if I die." Shallow breath. "He can bring me back." I said and lifted my chin toward him. He smiled and kissed me sweetly before there was a small shudder in his breathing. "Don't worry. Cass will bring me back." I smiled before I couldn't see him anymore and everything fell away.


My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I saw was Dean's face. He was staring at me. A smile crossed his lips and I quickly kissed him. He was holding me. Everything seemed perfect. Despite everything that had happened this man still loved me. He still loved me and would have me for the rest of my life whether I deserved it or not. I didn't deserve him. I always thought I did. That I had changed him for the better and that that somehow made me deserving of him. He had always been the one shining light in my life. I gave everything to him. I would give everything for him. But I didn't deserve him. I just got lucky.

"You are a wonderful man." I whispered to him.

He gave a short laugh and shook his head. "I'm not that wonderful."

"You really, really are." I smiled and kissed him deeply. "How long have you been laying here with me?" He put his hand in between my breasts and frowned. "Clearly, I'm fine." I told him.

"You weren't fine." He replied.

I remembered the fading. Remembered what I had told him. "So, Cass had to…he, uh…" I said but couldn't get the words out.

"It's not any more comforting watching you die knowing you can be brought back. There's no comfort in that." He told me sadly.

"I'm sorry." I told him.

"Don't be. It wasn't your fault." He replied.

"Yes it was. I started it. I was freaking out. I'm pretty sure I am still freaking out. But I didn't want to die. I would never want it to go that far." I told him comfortingly.

"I know." He nodded. "And you're gonna have to thank Cass." He said softly.

"Dean." I said shortly.

"He saved you. I thought you looked bad when he was in trouble. He was in agony. You're gonna have to talk to him." He told me.

"You actually want me to." I frowned at him. "I would think you'd want me to stay as far away from him. Both me and him seem to have declared a certain level of love here. Why would you want me to talk to him?"

"Because I know that at the end of the day you come to my bed. Not his." He smiled and kissed me.

I narrowed my eyes but smiled at him, kissing him again. "Fine."

"Thank you."

"You're being awfully diplomatic and understanding and that's just not you. You're really starting to worry me." I frowned at him.

"You're my wife. I support you. I'll help you through anything you need me to. This is one of those things." He told me, running his fingers through my hair.

"I love you, husband." I said and kissed him repeatedly.

"Love you too, wife." He smiled.

"And, again, fine. I'll go talk to him." I said and rolled out of bed.

"Right now?" Dean frowned.

"The sooner the better. Then he can go do his angel work and we can do our work." I said and kissed him before stepping outside. I took a deep breath. "Cass?" He didn't come. "Cass, please."

"I'm here." He said from behind me.

Turning, I crossed my arms and looked at him. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I felt like I owed him for then two words. I owed him more. "Thank you." I told him.

"You're welcome." He replied with a sad expression.

"I'm really grateful for what you did. I'm also sorry that you had to do it." I said gently. "It was never my intention for anything like that to happen."

"I know." He replied and his hand looked like he wanted to reach out for me.

"Cass…" I said and paused, tears filling my eyes. "I love you. Part of me loves you and that scares me. I'm in love with Dean and I'm married to Dean but…there are times…when you're here that that feeling is shared and I never thought that would happen."

"I shouldn't have shown myself. Not at the beginning." He told me.

"No. You shouldn't have. If you hadn't then whatever there is between us would never have happened." I replied. He lowered his head, a frown clear on his face. It was harsh and it hurt me to hurt him. But I had to hurt him. I had to hurt myself in order to put an end to this. Only what I was really feeling seemed to always get in the way. "But I love what happened. You were there and you made me feel again. You were the guy who helped me get over Dean and now he's back and I can't have you. I can't have both of you and that's scary and confusing and makes me really sad. Because…I love you."

"I love you too." He replied quietly. "I'm not even sure what that really means. But I do. I have never felt this way before." He told me, meeting my eyes. "Being in this vessel makes me want you in ways I've never known. I can't have you and they won't let me have you. Dean is yours and you are his. I understand that. There's just this feeling that makes me want to fight him for the right to have you. Even a little piece."

I closed my eyes, tears running down my cheeks. "You already have a piece and it's not so little." I told him and opened my eyes again. "But I am Dean's. But I also want you around. I want you to be here. It sucks. It sucks and I know that but…I can't help it. I'm hoping it'll pass. I'm sorry if that hurts. But I do. I hope that it passes and I can just be happy with Dean. But for right now, I need you here. I need you. I'm scared because I need you so much." I told him, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

He just looked at me and slowly moved toward me. "Let me…hold you…just for a moment."

I understood the look in his eyes. I've had the same look in mine before. It might have been the tone of his voice, or the way he moved, but my heart broke with every step. He understood what I was saying and I knew that he would try and see it my way. Try and keep distance without leaving. Try and do what I asked. But right now, in this moment, him holding me, that's all I wanted.

I tried to hold in the sobs but he had me in his arms a second later. Wrapping my arms around his neck I breathed him in, closing my eyes, feeling his muscles underneath my hands. Feeling his hair in between my fingers. I could feel him doing the same. He held me so tight. He was shaking. I was shaking. This whole thing was just too much. In the next second there was a cool breeze flowing over me. I opened my eyes to see woods. To see the moon behind me. The stars brighter than I could remember ever seeing them before.

"Cass…" I said hugging him tighter.

"You have a thing for the moon." He replied softly.

"I really do." I smiled and released him, taking his face in my hands.

A small smile crossed his face and he kissed me. It was hot. It was passionate. It felt amazing. Leaning into him I kissed him back, feeling his tongue against mine. My heart was racing, my mind empty. In this moment it was just me and him. Me, him, and the moon.


We were laughing. It was honest to god laughter. There were leaves and pinecones. The trees around us, the moon and stars above us. This wasn't what I had planned and I should have been so guilty. I had no doubt that the guilt would come. But in this moment I was happy. Maybe it was the itch I had needed to scratch and we could go back to the way things were. I had been trying so hard to not feel this way. Maybe this would put those feelings to rest. But I was laughing. Our problems weren't as big as they appeared to be. Not in this moment.

"Stop, okay, stop!" I yelled grabbing his hands away from my sides. I held his hand in mine. "This is so wrong." I told him, though a smile was still on my face.

"Yes it is." He said though his smile faded some.

I stared up at the moon. It was beautiful. Cass was running his fingers back and forth across my chest. I turned my head, resting it against his. He kissed my neck sweetly. Sighing, I placed a kiss on his forehead. He sighed and rolled onto his back. I frowned at the small distance that put between us.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"Dean is calling." He replied.

"I guess the dream is over." I told him as I sat up, reaching for my clothes.

"It doesn't have to be." He said pulling me back down.

I laughed and kissed him. "Yes it does." I told him, running my fingers through his hair. "I needed this. I think we both needed this. To see it through. But now it's over. It has to be. I cheated on Dean. It can't happen again."

"He'll forgive you." He told me.

"Yes, he will. But I'm not going to tell him if I can help it. Not yet. He's being very supportive of all of this and it's time I support him."

"That's it then. One more night." He said sadly.

"Yes." I said and kissed him once more.

He nodded and stood up. I ogled him as he got dressed, sad when it was over. Sighing, I stood and did the same, making sure all the foliage was out of my hair. When we were ready Cass pulled me against him.

"Time to go." He said sadly.

"Yes it is." I replied and the city appeared again.

We were still in the shadows. I could see Dean, hear him calling for Cass. I just watched him for a moment before taking a step toward him. Cass grabbed my hand. I stopped and looked up at him. He pulled me to him, putting his fingers through my hair. That sad look was back on his face. He lowered his face toward mine, paused right before giving me a long kiss. I smiled at him, kissing him sweetly before running my hand across his chest as I walked away from him.

"I can do this." I told myself as I walked toward my husband.

He turned and saw me. Relief moved across his face and he smiled at me. I smiled back before running the distance between us. I threw my arms around his neck.

"Where have you been?" He asked.

"Silencing the chaos in my head." I smiled.

"Did it work?" He smirked at me.

"Let me think." I said and looked into the sky. "Hmmm, you're the only thing I can think of so…yeah, I think it worked." I smiled and kissed him. He grinned and kissed me deeply.

"You taste different." He said sadly.

"I know." I replied. "Come on." I said and led him toward our room.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" He asked as he fell backward onto the bed.

"Do you want me to?" I asked as I crawled on top of him.

"I can guess." He replied.

"Please do." I told him.

"You slept with him." He said flatly.

"Don't start with the easy ones." I frowned down at him.

"It's okay if you did." He told me.

I sighed and rolled off of him. "Dean, are you even you anymore?" I asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He frowned.

"You die, go to Hell, come back, and are more understanding of the hard things then you normally would be." I told him.

"You did, didn't you?" He replied.

I just looked at him for a moment. "Yes. So, how is that okay?" I asked.

"Because it needed to happen." He replied. "I came back in the middle of you two. I could tell. Everyone could. It needed to happen."

"So you just sat back and let it?" I frowned.

"You were tearing yourself up. Between lust and guilt you were drifting away from me." He replied sadly.

"Not on purpose. The last thing I want is to hurt you." I said putting my hand on his face. "But I think you were right. Tonight was what I needed. It was the closure to the whole Cass thing. I'm hoping that I can just see him as a normal Joe from now on."

"Does that mean I get my wife back?" He asked hopeful.

"You'll have me forever." I told him, kissing him deeply.

"So, I can stop being jealous?" He asked.

I smiled at him, "Never."