A/N: Didn't think I would get this out on time, but I did! My other fics have been so stressful, and it's nice to just sit down and do this for once. No slash this time, I promise ;)
Summary: He truly hoped Blair never realized the unfair advantage she had over him. Because he would never be able to deny her anything. Not now. Not ever again.
Disclaimer: Of course, all credit goes to comewhatmay.x who betas like crazy for the millions of things I send her. And of course, quotes and such got to my beloved GG.
Always
Love me?
Always.
He never had any recollection of change. He was always too smug, too self-assured. And even when he found himself drowning in his obsessive desire for her, he knew it wasn't true. Because the truth was, he still hadn't changed. His feelings for her hadn't changed—the feelings of admiration and awe. The only difference was that instead of just thinking those things, she allowed him to act on them now. Maybe a little reluctantly at first, but ever since the night in the limo and the ones that had transpired afterward, all of her reluctance disappeared as easily as it had come.
That was the frustrating thing. From her bored eyes to her stupid perfection, he couldn't help but hate himself because he was starting to realize those feelings had always been there.
"Three words. Eight letters."
He had feared it so much. He had feigned ignorance because her gaze was just so trusting and he couldn't have that. He had feared her seeing who he truly was, even when she was the only one who had ever seen that person to begin with. He couldn't have her trust him too. Because he knew how he felt. He just didn't want to admit it. Because if she broke his heart again, he could get out. And he knew he would break her heart again too. He just couldn't help but hurt the one he loved.
He couldn't say it. Because then he would be truly doomed.
"Three syllables. Eight letters."
The way she looked so beautiful, her fevered breath hitting his lips. He had to convince himself that whatever had transpired that night was due to her jealousy. He had to believe that. Because when she ended the game, all he felt was the familiar rejection she always enacted whenever she was done with him.
But watching her lie there with her bored expression, all he felt was anxiety. He felt it then, but when he heard the real words come from her sincere mouth, all he felt was undeserving. He was falling apart and she deserved better than someone who loved her too much to realize the border between pleasure and pain.
"I want to be there for you."
"And why would you do that?"
"Because I love you."
It was the beginning of the end. The end where he could finally admit that there could never be anyone else for him.
And there never had been before.
"I love you too."
For the first time in his life, he knew he was exactly where he was meant to be. And nothing could be wrong ever again.
He said it once. He said it twice. He said it four times and now he just couldn't stop saying it. As though she would forget because now the only thing that he could keep her with was his love.
"Blair."
"Hm?"
It was the validation he needed. That she was still right next him. That she was still with him.
Her voice was drowsy in the dark, and he relaxed for a moment as her hand stroked his hair from his face.
"I love you."
Her arms wrapped around his neck and he settled back on his pillows, calmed by her bare skin pressed against his. Her light laughter was soft in his ear as she laid her face in the crook of his neck.
"I'll always love you."
At first, he wasn't sure if that was still in his head or he had said it out loud.
He was answered immediately as Blair sat up suddenly.
"Chuck."
He knew it was too fast too soon, but only to her. Because they weren't feelings that had changed in him. It had always been that way. It was just the first time that Blair knew it.
"Don't say it if you don't mean it."
That was exactly the opposite thing he had expected her to say. He sat up slowly, not needing even a light to know exactly what her expression was in the dark.
"Do you want me to mean it?"
"Charles."
He hated it when she said his name like that. The way Bart used to say it, with that exact same stern disposition.
"Don't do that," Blair said. "I thought we were past this."
Instinctively he grabbed onto Blair's wrist. But she wasn't pulling away. He just couldn't stop habits that died hard.
"I love you, Blair," Chuck said quietly. "Always."
His breath was taken away, and he relaxed into her embrace that never ceased to comfort him.
"We're not simple," Blair said against his mouth.
"We're not boring, you mean," he said. "Who wants to be simple?"
"We're not simple, Chuck," she said again. "And I know how possible it is that we'll break each other again. But I think I can be okay with it. As long as you don't stop loving me."
Her voice was secretive, but it was at that simple sentence that made him feel more relief and love than he ever thought possible.
So he kissed her.
Because months went by in instants. Because forever wasn't long enough to love her for.
Refusal
Whatever you need him to do, do you really think he would have refused you?
No. He'd never say no. To anything.
He almost walked right by the bathroom. It wasn't because he was selfish (he was) or that just wanted to ignore it (he did). There was one reason, and one reason only, as to why Chuck almost forced himself to pass the bathroom echoing with sobs.
Blair Waldorf was crying in that room and he knew the moment he went to investigate, he would just be pulled in. He knew she wasn't doing what everyone on the Upper East Side would pretend that they didn't know she did.
Whether she knew it or not, Blair had a strong hold over him, and even after everything that had happened, he just couldn't help it. Those wide watery eyes—and it was too late because he had closed the bathroom door behind him and there she was.
For a horrifying moment, he couldn't help but suspect her. She was crumpled in the corner of the room, her black dress sparkling around her thighs. In an instant she sensed his presence, and when she looked up, his prediction was proven true. Her long hair curled around her shoulders, and when she forced herself to look away, hiding her face from him, he couldn't help but find her endearing.
"Hey."
He slid down the wall next to her, and she shifted uncomfortably away from him.
"Go away, Chuck."
"I didn't think you were coming," Chuck said, ignoring her.
"Serena asked me," Blair sniffed. "She didn't want to be alone. I didn't mean to encroach on your territory."
He wasn't sure if her voice was meant to be scornful or not.
"I just didn't think you'd-"
"Because of you?"
She had pivoted towards him suddenly, her eyes searing into his, and he was suddenly very aware of how her warm body was pressed against his.
Their gaze held for a long moment before they both looked away. He watched her bent head, focusing on the cream color of her headband. He wanted to stroke her hair away from her wet face.
But he knew he would be crossing the line they had drawn, no matter how much he regretted it.
"I'm so selfish."
He knew she wasn't speaking to him willingly. He was just there. But there was a side of him that had always been able to understand her more than anyone.
"Serena is having a breakdown and here I am crying in a bathroom."
Chuck knew that he had no right to say anything on the topic.
That didn't seem to suit Blair well, however. At his silence, her sharp eyes penetrating him, he felt as though he were being scanned.
"Why are you here?" Blair asked. "Planning to take advantage of my misery when the opportunity presents itself?"
"No."
But that was all he said.
"Everyone's selfish," he said after a moment.
"So what are you doing here?"
"Self-deprecation."
Blair narrowed her eyes at him, but after a moment she sighed in something that sounded a lot like defeat. He stiffened in surprise as he felt her head drop to his shoulder.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For not humiliating me this time."
Chuck had to move away this time. Blair let him go, looking at him with that unreadable expression that he was sure she used for his benefit.
"I don't understand you," she said after a moment.
"Me?" he asked in surprise. He was sure she was still holding a grudge because of that, but then again, so was he. They were both the most stubborn people and if it weren't for Serena, they wouldn't be speaking right now.
"Why did you come?"
"Which time?" he smirked.
"Chuck."
It was always something that got to him. The way she said his name to incur any reaction out of him. He just wished he could be strong enough.
Maybe strong enough for her.
If she would have him again.
But she wouldn't. And that was that.
"I asked for your help," she said. "And you didn't have to help me. You hate me."
"I don't," Chuck said. "You hate me."
"There are reasons."
He hated those words, but she was nearing him again and he felt the both of them relax.
"You could have left me," she whispered into his shoulder.
"No," he said. "I couldn't have."
She looked up in confusion, but he didn't know how to make it any clearer.
Not without revealing himself to an uncomfortable degree.
Her wide eyes were wavering and he had to laugh. Because she was just so unaware of what she did to him.
"You are going to have your husband wrapped around your finger," he said in amazement.
"Why didn't you torture me?" she asked. "Why didn't you just leave me hanging?"
"Because it's Serena."
"Oh."
He knew that was the exact wrong answer. She was shirking away from him and it was breaking his heart.
"And because it was you asking," he said reluctantly. But it made her eyes light up, and he would do anything to make her face do that again. "And you know..."
"I miss this."
It was a sudden confession, but he would be lying if he said he didn't feel the same way.
"Being this way with you."
But then the moment was destroyed. Because she looked so devastated at her own words that he had to wonder what his own face looked like.
She jumped to her feet, adjusting her tights in a manner that made her insecurity of her red knees clear. She hit the door of the bathroom and Chuck just sat there in stunned silence.
He waited several moments before pulling himself up onto his own feet. He straightened his tie in the mirror of the women's bathroom of The Palace before exiting.
Watching Blair with her best friend, he knew the exact reason why Blair had found herself on the bathroom floor. Because he felt that emptiness that made her push him away, making him insecure and volatile.
"Thanks for coming with me, B. I'm really not up to being social right now."
"Of course."
Blair looked behind her and her eyes locked with Chuck's for a split second.
Then Serena pulled her along and Chuck knew in an instant.
He truly hoped Blair never realized the unfair advantage she had over him. Because he would never be able to deny her anything. Not now. Not ever again.
