Yuri sat next to Victor as the human held one of the dead fish over the fire. The smell of it burning, permeating around the cave. The natare was sure he would never enjoy the scent of the cooked fish, but if Victor liked it then he didn't mind it.
The fire was the only thing bringing light inside the cave now that the sun had sunken. Its red dance creating shadows that Yuri rarely saw and giving the space an uncomfortable feeling, not really acceptable for his human.
This cave needs to be cozier. Yuri thought as Victor pulled the fish from the fire and bit a chunk out of it. He chewed slowly, the corners of his mouth lifting, his face displaying little signs that he was enjoying the meal.
The natare felt a deep sense of pride watching Victor eat the food he'd hunted, because of him there was food in the human's belly, because of him Victor was alive.
"This is the first time I cook something for myself." Victor pulled a tiny bone from his mouth. "I tried catching some fish after you left, but it turns out I suck at it, maybe if I had a net or something. There isn't much else to eat on this island—" Yuri opened his mouth to remind Victor of the bugs, but the human placed a finger over his lips before he could. "I'm not eating the bugs. I'm not desperate yet."
Yuri waited until Victor slowly brushed the finger down his lips. "The bugs have the necessary nutrients if you are unable to hunt," he offered eagerly.
"Yuuuri," Victor complained. "I don't want to eat bugs." His forehead bumped against the natare's. "You'll catch some fish for me, no?"
Yuri's shoulders slumped at the words. "I have to leave tomorrow."
"You do?" The human sounded genuinely surprised. Yuri felt a tinge of guilt for not telling him sooner. That he only had two days. It took half a day to travel to his nest, so it was really one day they had with each other. If he wanted to make it back in time, he'd have to leave before the sun was at its highest point in the sky.
Victor released a heavy sigh. He sat back, creating distance between them and continued eating his fish as he stared at the fire with renewed interest.
Yuri missed the contact instantly. He didn't want Victor pulling away. It filled his heart with little bits of turmoil that the natare couldn't comprehend, he just knew he didn't like them.
"Do you really have to leave again?" Victor asked as he placed what was left of the fish on the floor.
Yuri looked down. "Yes. Tomorrow. I have to…"
"Why?"
Victor grabbed Yuri's hand and the secrets the natare been trained to keep all his life suddenly itched his tongue. He wanted to tell those secrets. He wanted to tell Victor everything, but something still stopped him.
The reason why his nest had these rules and these secrets. So they could survive to see future generations. So they wouldn't disappear from the world. The secrets weren't just to protect Yuri alone, they were to protect everyone in the nest. To protect Leo, Guang-Hong, Takeshi, Yuko, their girls, and even that feisty fingerling that shared his name.
When Yuri didn't answer, Victor went back to work on cooking more fish, moving further so there was even more space between them.
Yuri whimpered at the growing distance.
He wanted to tell. He wanted to tell so there would be no secrets between them. So they could close that last gap that remained. So they could—
Yuri inched closer until their bodies touched again. The natare waited to see if Victor broke the contact, but he didn't. He just kept feeding on his fish, enjoying every bite he took. Since he didn't pull away Yuri slowly rested his head on the human's shoulder, waiting for him to finish.
He never felt this close to anyone before, not even Yuko and Takeshi whom he considered his adopted family after his blood family had passed. It was different though, the way he felt he could trust Victor, to the way he trusted his nest.
"I wish I could read your mind," Victor's fingers brushed away a stray hair from Yuri's face. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
It's not that I don't want to... Yuri wanted to. He wanted to more than anything. If he could just choose — I just can't tell. If I do I will be punished. If I do what will you do?
Again the vow came into his thoughts. He'd been trained so well after all. It was clear whomever dictated those words had never met someone like Victor. Must not save humans… must not contact humans… if a human ever loves us…
Yuri held his breath at the twisted vow he recalled. Victor was suddenly there. Lips pressing against his softly.
"It's ok." The human whispered. "You don't have to tell me. Whatever you're thinking you can stop thinking it. I just don't want to see you so distressed."
"Victor…" Yuri cried and reached for the human, itching for warmth.
It suddenly didn't matter, even if it was forbidden. Even if he could never be forgiven. He just wanted no secrets between him and the human.
"The natare have one rule above all others," Yuri's own voice felt distant. "A rule regarding humans. It is the first thing I ever remember learning. The first promise I made." Yuri sunk against the heat of Victor's body, his arms closing around the human's back. Icy cheek just below the human's heart. "I vowed that if a human ever saw me, I had to kill them." Yuri felt Victor stiffened, it filled him with sorrow to know his words gave Victor fear, but he understood. Who wouldn't hesitate if someone that was touching them — a creature unlike them — just revealed to them they were supposed to end their life?
It's over. Yuri thought. There was no way Victor would want to be with him after knowing natare kill humans on sight.
Yuri expected to be pushed into the water again, but instead he felt Victor's fingers on his back. Careful. Just a trail of ten fingertips that slowly traveled down to his fin, then kept touching, pressing, testing…
The fingers traveled down the sides of his fin and Yuri pulled back a little so he could look at Victor's eyes. They were not frightened. "Is that why you have to leave? If it is then I—"
"I'm a monitor," Yuri didn't let Victor finish. If he was going to reveal the secrets he swore to keep, he was going to tell everything. If he was going to keep lying to his nest and keep seeing Victor, he wanted to be no secrets between them. "My job is to scour the ocean and report the things I see to my nest. Things we could use, things we should stay away from, things that could hurt us." Yuri took a deep breath. "I was watching the night your ship sunk. That area was at high risk for an event—"
Victor suddenly moved, hands roaming from Yuri's sides to his arms, squeezing slightly. "Did you know the ship was going to sink?"
Yuri bit his lip. "Not until the last minute. I'm only to watch and report. I don't interfere."
The pressure on his arms lessened. "So it sunk by accident…"
Yuri nodded.
Victor's eyes shifted uneasily. He glanced to his right, then to his left. Like he was searching for something. Like he was reaching for a memory. "I remember now," his voice was distant. "You unbuckled my life jacket."
The natare's eyes widened, remembering that moment like a small wound. Without thinking he starting inching away from Victor, to return to the water, but the human grabbed his arms once more and pulled him back. "I went under, I was going to drown wasn't I?"
Yuri saw the moment again, the way Victor's unfocused eyes stared at him as he went under the water. Like he knew he was going to drown, that he was going to die. "Yes," The natare nodded slowly, feeling his heart weeping.
Victor's fingers dug into his skin. "But then you pulled me out. Why? If you're not allowed to save humans, why did you save me? So many people died in that boat. Yakov, Mila, my friends… Why only I survived? Why did you save me?" The last question was broken and desperate, pain and guilt combined into one. It was a pain Yuri was all too familiar with. When his sister and mother died in the accident. When his father got so depressed he stopped eating and died soon after, because Yuri wasn't enough of a reason to stay alive for.
"Why did you save me?" Victor kept repeating the question in an almost soundless cry. "Why did you save me? Why did you save me?"
"I don't know," Yuri admitted. "But I…" Victor's fingers felt like bruises. He shouldn't have said anything. Why did it matter if Victor knew the truth or not? Their time together was destined to be short after all. Only until Victor returned to the humans, or until Yuri got branded and would be forced to remain in the nest. They were meant to be something fleeting by definition. A relationship between human and natare…
But Yuri didn't want it to end. He wanted to stay here and never return to his nest. "It felt like I couldn't bear it," his voice broke as well, like he was trying to take Victor's pain and guilt away. "I couldn't stand seeing you die. I still can't. I just can't explain why. I just want to be with you. I just want to kiss you." His words had become frantic. Tears blurred his vision. He was so unsightly, he didn't want Victor to see him like this, who would want to bond with something unsightly like him?
Victor's breathing eased. The fingers no longer pressing harshly against the natare's skin. Yuri counted. One. Two. Three. How much longer before Victor told him to leave? How much time left before—
"I need some time to think about this." Victor's voice was soft, but it didn't stop Yuri feeling like he'd been stabbed in the heart.
The natare nodded, slowly pulling away and started to crawl back to the water. He could probably find a safe spot to sleep in an underwater cave nearby. There had to be one or two.
His fin touched the water when a firm hand gripped his wrist and pulled him back. "I said I needed time to think. I didn't say I wanted you to leave."
Yuri breathed in, his fin splashing once in the water. "I can spend the night with you? Even after what I said?"
"Yes," Victor begged, pulling Yuri closer, kissing his shoulder. "I just… I don't want to be alone here."
The natare pulled his fin out of the water and slowly placed it on the dry surface. He rested on his side, watching as Victor arranged some rocks around the fire, then left it burning as he laid next to the Yuri.
"You're not putting it out?" The natare asked.
"It gets cold without it. I don't like the cold."
"But I'm cold."
"Not after I touch you."
Yuri relaxed as prickles of warmth spread all over his body when Victor touched his arm up and down. He wanted to reciprocate and touch the human as well, but was too afraid Victor would reject him again. This was enough for now. This was better than sleeping alone in an unknown cave.
He laid still as the human placed careful and gentle touches upon his skin, slowly warming it until Yuri no longer felt cold and was lost to sleep.
