Nobby forages through a large cupboard in the storage room; once served as a guest room. Guests never arrive. Nobby's family never visit. Mum always visits them; alone. The large cupboard contains Nobby's father's effects. Not that Nobby's father is dead. Or alive for that matter, nobody seemingly or knows cares. Told to pack up, piss off , another domestic. He pissed off, not taking much gear.

Stupid's on a lead and Nobby's packed a kit bag when O'Possum comes to collect them. 'Do you have room in the bag for Stupid?' asks O'Possum. Nobby appears mystified. 'You don't want Mother McGaw or any of the other busy body's to see him. Do ya?'

Stupid licks Nobby appreciatively when released from the bag, half a mile into their journey. 'What's in the bag?' enquires O'Possum. Nobby explains. O'Possum regrets asking the question and reflects upon the previous evening.

"Why didn't you marry Splinta?" Although she took his side, Mother-In-Law's homosexual innuendo angers and consumes O'Possum. Splinta? Her own son? A homosexual? Doesn't the old girl, or indeed any woman understand mateship?

Nobby meanwhile detects eyes, stranger's eyes, driving past in cars, looking through windows. Eyes admiring and hypnotised, commenting "Have you ever seen the like? Such a disciplined, intelligent dog and proud worthy master?" Even fearless Splinta won't fail to comment upon seeing Stupid.

Nobby's pride and purpose swell. Yes! With Splinta's help, Stupid will father super pups and save the environment. Riches beyond belief bestowed upon saviour's master. Two brothers, a sister and their families crawling and begging for a slice of the action. Nobby's chest is puffed, head unusually erect, slouch missing from shoulders. Kit bag dangles over one shoulder; much like a haughty seaman. No accidents today.

'How does this dognapping caper work anyway?' Nobby begins conversation involving dogs, conversation eventually leading to one particular dog. Stupid!

'When Splinta sees a valuable dog he nabs it. Watches for a reward notice in the newspaper. That's all.'

'Sounds simple enough. ... He wouldn't try and nab a dog like Mother McGaw's Alsatian would he?'

'Course he would. It's his profession. Guard dogs bring good rewards. People value savage dogs.'

'He must be brave.'

'Has a natural way with dogs.'

'So does ya wife. Dogs must run in ya wife's family?'

'Ya might say that? More so, the female side.'

Nobby momentarily ponders, before saying 'You haven't said anything yet 'bout the way Stupid walks.'

O'Possum eyes follow Stupid's gait, looking for a limp or injury. Finally he says 'Dog walks all right. Nothing wrong with it.'

'Look again.'

O'Possum looks and imagines Stupid's fleas holding desperately by one arm like passengers forced to stand in crowded bouncing bus. 'You mean he's not scratching at fleas?'

'What fleas? I told ya. He only scratches because his skin's sensitive to sunlight.'

'Whatever you say Nobby.'

After a pause Nobby asks 'Notice his tail, the way. It bounces from side to side?'

'It does Nobby; does too. I wonder why?'

'Watch carefully! His tail bounces opposite the foot going in front. See? When his left foot goes forward, his tail bounces to the right. Left right, left right. Always perfectly balanced. Bet he can walk all day.'

'Is this the reason you're so keen on breeding from this ... Umm?'

'Could be.'

The conversation pauses. Smug Nobby knows a secret somebody else wants to know. O'Possum waits for Nobby to blurt whatever bullshit some so-called Bluey bastard loaded onto him. Frustrate Nobby, don't feed the ego.

Silence prevails until, 'This is Splinta's street.' Announces O'Possum. They pass a public telephone box and walk a further four houses.

'I don't believe it. Splinta's car's not here.'

'What? Five miles for nothing?'

'That's funny!' O'Possum comments with suspicion and concern. 'The back gates are open. Better check this out.'

Bang Bang ... Bang Bang ... Bang Bang.

A loud, frightening cracking sound from Splinta's backyard.

Bang Bang ... Bang Bang.

A dog barrage, all shapes, colour and size, mostly pedigree, charge through the open gates. An Irish Wolfhound leads a confused and startled pack. Soldier brings up the rear, his massive frame gaining momentum, smaller dogs scattering from his path. O'Possum realises danger and jumps the neighbouring front fence. Stupid scoots behind the letter box, surprising Nobby who finds himself pulled into the middle of Splinta's driveway.

Wolf .. Wolf Wolf.

Nobby successfully side-steps the Irish Wolfhound and maintains his grip on Stupid's lead.

Ruff Ruff. Ruff Ruff.

Nobby pirouettes, a Border Collie runs harmlessly past.

Wooooolf. Wooooooooolf.

Pirouette leaves Nobby stranded in Soldier's flight path. O'Possum covers his eyes. Stupid winces. A Rottweiler at full speed, likens to a laden super-tanker under full steam and minus a rudder. Soldier's rock-hard head slams into Nobby's gut. Every airy atom escapes back into the atmosphere, eyes bulging, air molecules stream between eyeball and socket. Stupid's lead quits Nobby's grasp as Soldier stampedes straight over him.

Irish Wolfhound charges into the street, wheeling left. The pack follow. Soldier navigating the widest turn, charging down the footpath opposite, brushing flaky white paint from a picket fence.

Prostrate and motionless Nobby lays in the gutter. Stupid fears the worst and wanders dolefully to master's side. O'Possum acts quickly and sits Nobby up.

'You're winded mate.' says O'Possum, forcing Nobby's head between limp legs. 'Kit bag broke ya fall. Otherwise you'd be a hospital case. ... Come on Nobby take a breath. Just a small one first.'

'aaaaaaaaargh.' Nobby's mouth opens wide, managing only a hoarse throaty gasp.

'Come on mate. You'll be right in a minute.'

'aaaaaaaaargh. ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh'

'Keep your head down. You'll get ya wind back in a sec. I better go and see what's happening 'round the back.'

'Splinta! Are you there Splinta? You-who! Are you there Splinta?' calls O'Possum walking through open back gates.

'Oh! It's you O'Possum.' calls Splinta, slinking out from under the house.

'What's goin' on? Why ya hiding?'

'The worst thing that can go wrong in this business, went wrong this mornin'. I've chased out all me stock. Easily a thousand dollars worth; a fortnight's income and not only that! I'm out of business.'

'I saw all the dogs. What happened?'

'I went to collect a reward this mornin'. A lousy fifty bucks. Gave the usual story, how the kids got attached to the mutt.'

'What kids?'

'Pretend kids. Sometimes gets me a bonus.'

'Didn't work?'

'I've got a spot on memory for dogs and streets and houses. But I'm not so good with people, especially women. You know! They can put on weight or just as easily lose it. Change their hair. The style, the colour. They only have to wear different clothes to confuse ya. Anyway! I knew I'd never nabbed a dog from this house before, not even the same street and I'd definitely never nabbed the same dog before. Well ya not goin' to believe it. The dirty dog lovers moved house. Not to another town or suburb. Na! One measly block they moved and changed dogs to boot. Thought she went for her purse after I'd strung her the story about the kids. Was hoping for a bonus. But when man mountain come to the door. I twigged. He hadn't come to exchange pleasantries. I ran.'

'Man mountain?'

'Man bloody mountain all right. Six foot six and easily twenty stone. I hear him call out to the missus. "Ring the cops." Me car's a bit down the road but couldn't go near it. Doesn't pay to advertise one's rego. So I ran in the opposite direction. Man mountain must be one of those mongrels who don't drink or smoke 'cause in no time he's right behind me.'

'But you got away didn't ya?'

'I was duckin', turnin', weavin' like a Kelpie. Couldn't shake him. Began jumpin' fences and runnin' through back yards, it's me speciality. Still couldn't shake him. Then I remembered a house nearby, three Dobermans in the backyard. I was in and out before they knew what happened. They were ready for man mountain. Pity I didn't stay and watch the fun. When I ran into the next street, there's his missus in her car waitin' for me. So it was back over fences again.'

'Yeah! But ya got away?'

'Over into the next street I went. There she was waitin' for me again. And a bloody cop car cruises by. She started blowing the horn, yelling to them and pointing at me.'

'What did ya do?'

'Needed a breather, so I pulled me shirt over me head so they wouldn't recognise me and just stood there until they got close. Then it was back over the fences again with two pigs in hot pursuit and ordering me to halt. One was a sheila. I was twisting and turnin' like a Kelpie again so they couldn't get a good shot at me and I didn't want them getting too far behind me. 'cause it was back in with the Dobermans again. I waved to man mountain.'

'Did he wave back?'

'Na! Busy. So were the Dobermans. I got through again but they were ready for the coppers.'

'You must 've stuck around this time?'

'Had another breather. Heard the sheila cop screamin'. Then gunshots. Got me second wind. Quick! Real quick.'

'So what's the problem? You got away.'

'Not if the Dobermans did a good job on them coppers. I'll be hunted for sure.'

'What can they get you for? Nothing serious. All the evidence is gone.'

'Not completely. Still got one to go. That rocky bitch ...' says Splinta pointing '... chained to the gum tree up the back. Soon as she comes too. I'll be behind her with a wet newspaper like the others and just hope she runs off. 'cause if she don't? She will fight to the death.'

'Overdosed her valium mate?'

'Na! Got her blind drunk last night.'

'You what?'

'That's how we nabbed her. Got her pissed.'

'Oh!'

'She'll have one hell of a hangover. And the bitch is easily the crankiest, most savage thing I've ever nabbed.'

'Where's your car?'

'The Wizard's getting it. Soon as he gets back, valuables are packed. I'll load up and be off. ... Cripes! .. Who's this comin' through the gates?'

'Don't panic! It's Nobby, me nextdoor neighbour.'

Feeling dizzy, Nobby supports himself against the gates with one hand. He holds both kit bag and dog lead in the other. Stupid, a most unwilling visitor remains unsighted, pulling in the opposite direction. 'What's wrong Stupid? Come on!' Nobby calls feebly.

'Stupid? Who's he calling stupid?'

'His dog.'

'Not a little ...? Ahh bullshit! Mate! I'm trying to get rid of dogs and this moron's bringing one back.'

'But Splinta?'

'What does he want?'

'He's hoping you've got a bitch here on heat. To mate with his dog.'

Splinta's bug eyes stare menacingly.

'Splinta! He's desperate to get pups from the mutt. Don't ask me why! He'll go to any length, suffer any injury, do anything to mate the scroungy little mutt.'

'O'Possum! Get rid of him.'

'You've got a bitch here. Let's have a bit of fun'

'I just told ya what's happened this morning ...'

'Splinta! Timing couldn't be better. If uninvited guests arrive Nobby will create a perfect diversion. Ssssh! Here he comes. Don't say anything about the police.'

Splinta sits on shaded back steps, face in hands.

'Gidday!' says Nobby feeling a little recovered, dragging Stupid toward Splinta.

'Gidday!' replies Splinta without enthusiasm. 'And what 've we got here?'

'A dog.'

'Mmmm! What breed is it?'

'An n- n nackerman.'

'Can't say I've heard of that breed before.'

'He's the only one in the world. That's why I have to get pups from him. Do ya have a bitch I can mate him with?'

'O'Possum are you sure, really sure the timing is right?'

'Mate! Do it.'

'Well Nobby. See that Rocky bitch up the back? You can mate him with her. If he's stupid enough?'

'He's Stupid all right.' interrupts O'Possum. 'That's his name.'

'Who do you think bloody named him?' retaliates Splinta. 'I mean he's much too small for her.'

'Who named him?' O'Possum questions Nobby.

'The C.S.I.R.O.' responds Nobby before realising his mistake.

'An ackorym? C.S.I.R.O.? This sounds like that pub competition. You remember? Don't ya Splinta?'

'What's all that got to do with mating dogs. All I'm saying, the little mutt's much too small to mate with that Rocky bitch.'

'Little blokes like to prove themselves. Let him have a go.'

'Little Blokes? Prove themselves? What are you getting at O'Possum?'

'Splinta! Don't take everything so personal. Let him have a go. Do you have a crate or something he can stand on?'

'Ahh! Okay. ... What have I got to loose? There's a milk crate 'round the side of the house.'

'Thanks Splinta.' says Nobby. 'What do we do first?'

'Sorry Nobby! Splinta and I have business to discuss. You and Stupid will be right. Let nature take its course. Grab the crate.'

'You're a sadist.' mutters Splinta rolling a cigarette.

Nobby and Stupid collect the crate before making their way to the gum tree.

'Mate! Wait to you see! To you see my neighbour in action.'

'What's in the bag?'

'Dog mating accessories ...'

'Accessories?'

'... but the little mutts got no ...'

'Are the dogs balls in the bag?'

'... balls. That's what I was going to say. The dog's denutted and stupid Nobby hasn't even noticed.'

'Stupid! Come on!' calls Nobby dragging the dog. 'What are you? A dog or a mouse?'

'it it it it '

'Stop making mouse sounds and come on.'

'The rocky will notice.' says the dognapper gravely. 'The very first thing she'll notice. Without balls she'll chew him up and spit out little pieces. ... I'm just goin' to have a peek out front.' Splinta enters the house and spies through front windows.

"Nothing suspicious?' asks O'Possum when Splinta returns.

'Na! I hope Wizard turns up soon.'

'Yeah! I want him to see the fun as well.'

'I was thinking more about my get away. .. What's? What's this clown up to?'

'Yesterday Tried mating Stupid with Mother McGaw's mad Alsatian. He's missing a few pieces from his arse.'

'What? Puttin' on another pair of jeans?'

'There's more.'

'A jumper? In this heat?'

'There's still more.'

'Jeez The dog's shivering with fright.'

'Splinta! Sit down. The dog'll be okay. He's got more brains than Nobby. He'll get out of the way when the fun starts.'

'Holy Moses! Shorts on top of jeans.?'

'Luv to know why he's doing all this. He won't let on.'

'Where did he get them overalls from? Biggest pair I've ever seen. You wouldn't wear that much gear down the South Pole.'

'His old man was a boilly.'

'He's having a bit of trouble getting the safety boots on.'

'Yeah! Steel capped boots I told you's about. The metal detector. Remember?'

'You weren't havin' a lend of us.'

'Don't need too. Not with Nobby. Now wait. There's one more item. 'And if you think ya eyes are playing tricks?'

'They are!' Splinta rubs his eyes. 'Have to be.'

'No mate.'

'By God!'

'His old man's welding helmet. Face protection.'

'But he won't be able to see.' ... 'Shhh! Did you hear a noise?'

'Na!'

'Quick O'Possum. Over the side fence.'

Nobby sits Stupid on milk crate positioned behind Matilda. 'Now! You know what to do.' Nobby tries lifting Matilda to her feet. 'Aaagh! ... Aaaaaaagh!'

Two police enter through the side gates.

'What do we have here Constable?'

'Not the midget dognapper Sarge.'

'Let's call her Juliet.' says Nobby 'And from now on! Romeo! Yeah! A much better, more romantic name than Stupid. Romeo! Live up to your new name.'

'Yelp.'

'Should'nt we question him Sarge?'

'Hang on a bit. Wait 'till he brings out the welder.'

'What's he going to weld?'

'Unspeakable suspicions.'

Matilda senses intruders, heavy eyes fail to open but she utters a deep dry menacing gurgles.

'Get back on the crate Stupid. .. I mean Romeo. You now have a reputation. Live up to it.' Again Nobby places unwilling Romeo on milk crate then tries standing Matilda.

'Raaagh.'

Matilda's jaws almost reach Nobby's hand. Gravity and a stinging, excruciating, jaging pain penetrates her skull; immobilising savagery.

Romeo decamps the crate, tightly wrapping all fours around Nobby's leg.

'Not me!' cries Nobby. 'You won't get pups from me. Back on the crate.'

'Look Sarge! Chains everywhere, water dishes too! Definitely a dognapping operation. Shouldn't we question this ...?'

'Patience Constable.'

Nobby bends to release Romeo but vast clothing impedes. So he stands, hand balancing against the gum tree trying to kick Romeo free. Nobby's head tilts back, kicking, calling for assistance. 'O'Possum! O'Possum! Help me.'

'Constable! Do you see any possums in the tree?'

'No Sarge.'

'Take notes.'

The Constable pulls out a notebook.

'O'Possum! I'll give you a pup. A pup all for yourself if ya come and help me.'

'You getting all this Constable?'

'Yeah!'

'Splinta! Splinta will ya help me? Help me unite Romeo and Juliet.'

'Who's Splinta Sarge?'

'Might be the possum's name. Write it down word for word.'

Matilda slowly lifts weights on eyelids. She stands. Stupid sees her, forgoes the leg, and scuttles up Nobby's back, into gum tree's lowest fork.

'Now there's a dog worth breeding from.' suggests Sarge.

'That little mutt?'

'Ever see a dog climb a tree?'

'Can't say I have. ... Right!'

Nobby's hands reach up to tree's fork. Romeo climbs higher.

Matilda targets Nobby's arse.

Yowwwww. Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'What will we do Sarge?'

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'Shouldn't we help him?' continues the Constable.

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

'Been enough police mauled by dogs today.' replies Sarge, chin rubbing.

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'We could shoot the dog.'

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'Been enough dogs shot today. Besides!' continues Sarge dryly 'If the intention was? What I think. He's reaping his just rewards.'

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'You mean welding them together? Bizarre stuff Sarge.'

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'Inhuman! say Sarge walking toward the gates. 'Totally inhuman.'

'Shouldn't we check the house?'

Sarge keeps walking.

The Constable catches up. 'What about the midget? He could be hiding inside.'

'Doesn't matter. No evidence.'

'The chains and water dishes.'

'Circumstantial. Without dogs or a reliable witness ...'

Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

'Shouldn't we interview the boilermaker?'

'What? Be laughed out of court ? A deranged sadist, crown witness? Besides! Hasn't it occurred to you yet Constable?'

'Occurred? What Sarg?'

'If we arrest the midget? He could make serious allegations. Point the finger of corruption at you.' Sarge pokes vigorously Constable's chest. 'And involve me. Let it go.'

'But the midget hospitalised two fellow officers.'

'They'll recover. ... I'm not doing my superannuation over a bloody pup.'

'But the midget didn't take the Doberman to my sister's. The real owner did.'

'Great! Another witness supporting the midget's accusations.'

'What about the dog owners? They can identify him.'

'He returned a lost dog. Let it go. Or we'll both end up in shit. Or worse!'

She rips through layer upon layered clothing, Matilda's morning-after mouth dehydrates, dangerously so. Must find water, blood lust subsides. She quits savaging Nobby's arse, trudges off and discovers a quenching water dish.

O'Possum follows Splinta over side fence when the police exit. 'Told ya! Didn't I Splinta? Perfect diversion. Even Nobby's good for something.'

Splinta in disbelief, picks up a newspaper, wets it with the hose. 'Didn't even search the house.'

Sneaking behind Matilda, Splinta bangs the newspaper loudly. Matilda turns, growls, returns juiceless tongue to water dish.

'You over grown bitch.' decides Splinta loudly. 'I'll give you water.'

Splinta uncoils the hose and turns it on full. 'Cop this!' menaces Splinta, approaching Matilda from the rear, aiming water torrent.

Matilda turns, faces him, mouth open wide ,accepting the torrent.

'Good! Stay and drown.'

Thirst quenched, Matilda trundles off through side gates. Splinta follows, hosing her until Matilda exits the premises.

Nobby's cheek, scratched and scraped against tree bark, bleeds openly. The welding helmet ripped from his head , offered minimal protection. Arms encircle gum tree's trunk. Eyes tightly closed, mouth sucking in air; fearing another attack.

'You'll be right mate?' comments O'Possum approaching Nobby. 'We've chased her off.'

'Will I live?' mumbles Nobby.

O'Possum inspects Nobby's rear. 'Ahhh! ...Yuck!'

'Am I? Am I bleeding to death?'

'Can't see any blood. But ya undies! They're full of shit. She ripped through everything else. Stopped at the shit. Probably saved ya.'

'Where's Romeo? Is he all right?'

'Romeo? What Romeo?'

'Stupid! I changed his name to Romeo.' answers Nobby, arms frozen around tree trunk.

'You're remarkable. Truly remarkable Nobby. Faced with certain death you found time to change Stupid's name.' O'Possum calls Splinta returning through the side gates. 'Splinta! Splinta! Bring the hose up here.'

O'Possum takes the hose from Splinta and shoves it into Nobby's underpants. 'We'll clean you up mate. See if there's any damage.' O'Possum removes the hose, winks at brother-in-law saying, 'Splinta! Do you have any metho?'

Nobby swoons, slumps, slides slowly down tree trunk.

'What? What are we going to do with him?' asks Splinta rolling a cigarette.

'He'll be right. Dry out in no time. I wonder what happened to the mutt? Stupid! Stupid!' calls O'Possum.

Stupid whimpers, both men look up into the tree.

'Told ya he'd get out of the way.' O'Possum's arms inviting . 'Jump boy. Come on.'

Stupid jumps. O'Possum catches and quickly places Stupid on the ground, avoiding appreciative licks on the face. Stupid goes to unconscious Nobby and licks bloodied cheek.

Splinta points at Nobby ready to revive. 'He might be a hospital case.'

'Hang on.' says O'Possum quickly looking in Nobby's underpants. 'He's f9ine. Only yesterday's wounds. And they're healing up okay.'

'Take him home then.' demands Splinta.

'Me!'

'You brought him here.'

'Mate! The arse out of his pants. I'm not walking across town with him. Anyway! Going to the dole office. Put my form in, otherwise no pay tomorrow. Which will make somebody real bloody happy.'

Rolling up the hose and returning to the tap, O'Possum calls back. 'No money otherwise? Shove him in a taxi; cost about ten dollars.'

O'Possum returns, Splinta considers a taxi. 'If Wizard would only return with me car. Drop Nobby home. Where can Wiz be?'

'Might have turned up when your visitors were parked out front.'

'Well where would he go?'

'Splinta mate. Where's our usual meeting place?'

'This time of the day.'

'Have ya got ten dollars? We'll send Nobby home then go find The Wizard.'

A few beers, very appealing, Splinta approves 'Yeah! The Wizard. Go and find Wiz. No point hanging around here.'