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Chapter 12. Inspired to be better.
Q. What's a soul mate?
A. It's uh... Well, it's like a best friend, but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soul mate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you'll always love her. Nothing can ever change that. Make sense?
-Dawson's Creek.
I left early the room early the next morning, sleep having escaped me all night. I arrived at the breakfast hall early, before any of my family and managed to eat for myself and gather Bella a breakfast of fruit so that I could leave it in my room for her yet she would be able to sleep as long as she wished without her breakfast being ruined.
I couldn't get over the fact that I had had so little self control as to give into my desires for her. She deserved to be honoured, courted, serenaded. And instead I had dived in, literally, without even kissing her. I hadn't even held her hand yet, and I had, not even touched her, but licked her in her most intimate places.
She would hate me now. She must.
It was with those thoughts that I sat down in my father's office to write a reply to Tanya's letter. I couldn't not shut down now, I would just have to tell her the truth about Bella, that she was a bed slave and meant nothing. I was just going to have to revert back to being cold and hard, that was all. And it would be easy. I had spent my whole life doing so. She had broken that down for a small while, but it had been a mistake. A mistake.
And even if she wasn't a slave and it hadn't all happened the way it had, I wouldn't know how to write of her anyway.
My dear cousin,
I do not wish to shut you out as you put it, but I do not know how to write of Bella. There is nothing much to say, nothing much I can say. She is a slave, gifted to me for my birthday, she is highly unimportant; she just required attention the day on which you were leaving as she was new. Again, I ask your forgiveness though you have already given it so graciously.
In response to your post script, the meeting has been put off for a while. I do not know for how long.
Ever yours,
Edward.
I didn't know what else to write. I couldn't explain about how I had been meeting my father every day but that something was wrong. At least, I couldn't explain it in a letter. I didn't know how to write about what was happening there just as much as I didn't know how to write about Bella.
Guilt ate away at me as I rode to the post office, sending the letter before that day's lunch with my father. I felt awful for not telling Tanya everything I was thinking, as I usually did. But it wasn't that I didn't want to tell her, I just didn't know how.
"You look like you're thinking hard," my father said, regarding me over the tops of the glasses he only wore when his eyes were tired, as we sat down in the dining room of the Royal Headquarters.
"I've had a lot to think about," I replied.
"I know," he sighed, "And it's time for me to explain to you what's actually going on here."
In all honesty, I hadn't been talking about the Isabella situation when I meant I had a lot to think about, but I welcomed the idea of finally being privy to the information.
"They've decided I'm important enough?" I asked sarcastically, helping myself to a plate of soup from the tureen.
"I argued, convincingly, that if we wanted you to agree to an engagement to a girl you'd never met, you deserved to know the reasons behind why you had never met."
"She's got small pox and is disfigured?" I muttered, clattering my spoon against the bottom of my bowl much louder than was necessary.
"No, but she has disappeared."
I dropped my spoon and snapped my head to question my father across the table.
He sighed and took off his glasses, placing them on the table next to him and rubbing his forehead. He was exhausted, that much was clear.
"The Princess arrived here on the morning after your birthday party, with the boat settling into harbour at approximately 3am that morning. It seems she was definitely on the boat that evening as the King bade her good night himself. When her maids rose to dress her at 9am that morning, she was gone. No one seems to have any idea what happened in between then."
"Did she not have guards?"
"Usually, but the security team were gathered in the hull all night discussing the security plans for her time on our little Island."
"So the fact she disappeared when they were doing that-"
"Suggests it was someone who knew what they were doing, yes," Carlisle finished my sentence.
I pondered this.
"It seems definite that she has been kidnapped?" I questioned.
"Yes."
"There is no possibility she did not just wander off herself; you have said that her nature is-"
"Her nature is headstrong and it probably would be in her personality to wander off on the first morning of a time on a new island, yes. However, one of her ladies in waiting has also disappeared. The Lady Jessica is not of this personality and would not leave without the men to guard them."
"I see."
We ate in silence for a while, allowing me to turn over this information in my mind.
"If she has been kidnapped then why must I be engaged, there is a possibility she will never return."
"No one is to know of the situation."
"You are a mighty politician, father, in that you avoid my questions," I raised my eyebrows at him and he gave a smile, acknowledging what he had done.
"We were hoping that if you were to agree to an engagement then we could say in the days that the Princess has been supposed to be dealing with public affairs that she has been at our house getting acquainted with you."
"Because there are no problems associated with that lie," my sarcasm dripped off my every word.
"If there were no problems then it would not be a lie," he said simply in response.
"What if, for one, as I just said – she never turns up?"
"We are not discussing that as an option Edward, the King will not have it," my father replied in a voice that closed the matter entirely. I guessed I understood the King not wanting to think of it, he had already lost his wife.
"Well then," I continued, "What of Alice and Jasper's anniversary ball? Or Emmett's birthday ball? All the local Lords will be there, they will surely notice her absence if she is supposed to be with us."
"We will say she returned with the King to her own headquarters those nights, wishing to be introduced to society in a more formal way."
"A ball is a formal introduction to society."
"Not a ball that is held for someone else's anniversary, or indeed their birthday."
I nodded, conceding this argument.
"Besides, we do not intend to announce it until after she has returned or until questioning becomes too great for us to give no public address to the matter, whichever comes first. Therefore, it is a lie that may never need to be told if we work quickly to get her back."
"And who will know the truth-that she is nowhere to be found?"
"Myself, the King, your Uncle, Tanya's father, some of the more trusted men of the court, and, now, you."
"Surely you will tell Mother?"
"If she is not returned to us soon we will head to Narnia to deal with it and your mother will accompany us."
"You think there will be no public notice that all the Lords have suddenly disappeared to Narnia?"
My father sighed, "Edward, I have as much of an issue with this as you. Of course I realise that there is little point in telling blatant lies, we merely need to have a cover in place right now. The King refuses to accept that she might indeed not return. And you cannot blame him for that."
My stomach turned to ice. For the first time in the conversation I stopped thinking of myself or Bella or what me being engaged would mean to me or Bella and instead considered the Princess. There was a real possibility she was dead. She was seventeen, a year younger than myself. I thought of Alice. Bella was even younger than my twin and to think of my twin dead... Or even not dead, to think of Alice being kidnapped being scared and alone and frightened and...
"I will not help to cover this for the sake of covering it up, but will covering it up and keeping public knowledge down help her be found quicker?"
"It should, it would mean we could concentrate on finding her rather than thinking of what to do should someone notice that she seems to be nowhere."
"Then on the following conditions I will agree: firstly, if no word of this is ever needed to be given then I do not need to ever actually be engaged to her."
He nodded, "Agreed."
"Secondly, if this goes as far as you all going to Narnia, I will not agree to be a cover any longer, the people deserve to know what is happening. I will agree to be a cover for as long as you sure she is still on this island, if you need to go any further than I will be no part of hiding it."
"Agreed."
"Lastly, if we do at any point use this as a cover I will accept that I have been publically announced to be engaged to the Princess, but this does not mean I have to go through with any marriage."
That was the big one for me. I couldn't marry her, I just couldn't. As much as I was sure Bella hated me and never would speak to me again I could not treat her one way in a day and be engaged the next.
Again my father nodded, "Agreed."
"Then I shall agree."
My father reached across the table and took my hand, looking into my eyes, "Thank you, son."
It was later that evening, after I had given Bella her dinner that I began thinking again of Isabella Swan.
I was in the library sitting at the table, my head buried in my arms. I was not the only one between the two of us who would possibly have problems with the marriage arrangement. She was being forced into marrying me, much more than I was her. She didn't even know about it, our fathers were concocting it so that we could meet "without the pressure" of thinking that we were supposed to marry each other. Except my father had told me the truth. And my parents weren't going to force me to marry anyone, I didn't need to marry anyone. She had to marry, had to produce an heir. At least I didn't need to deal with that kind of pressure. And all I had done was think of me.
I jumped as I felt a light hand on the back of my head.
"Mama?"
"I wondered if you were asleep," my mother said, settling herself on the table, her eyes taking me in.
"No, just thinking."
"What about?"
"Myself."
She smiled.
"I'm being serious, mother, I was thinking about myself and how many times a day I purely think of myself."
"Most people think of themselves most of the time."
"You don't."
"I have children and husband to think of."
"I highly doubt even if I married Isabella Swan that I would love her the way you love father, therefore I probably wouldn't think about her."
"Then don't marry her."
"What if it made her life easier?"
"What if it didn't make your life easier?"
"Mother – you are the most unselfish person I know, why do you encourage me in my selfishness? I am always selfish, it is ridiculous that I am this way compared to you and father and Emmett and Alice."
"Edward, you are not selfish you are closed off and logical."
"I cannot be that logical- until recently I would only marry for love."
"The one emotion you wish for."
"I also wish I had compassion."
"Edward, without suffering there can be no compassion, you have never suffered."
"Then how is it that Alice and you have compassion?"
"Alice has suffered, as have I."
"How has Alice suffered?" I snapped, but regretted it. I remembered when Alice and Jasper's relationship had begun, the rockiness of it, the time she… I shook my head. Alice had suffered. I knew that.
My mother raised her eyebrow but I connected my eyes with hers, letting her know I was sorry. Because I still couldn't say the words, because I was too prideful.
"The other way one learns compassion is by example."
"But mother you have set me example after example."
"Have I?"
"Of course."
"Edward," my mother sighed, "I am aware of my failings, I-."
She stopped and I realised she was wiping tears from her eyes. I stood and placed a hand on my mother's arm, unsure of how best to deal with this.
"I know that when the Queen died your father and I spent more time in Narnia than we did at home with you three, I know we left you with nannys and staff and-"
"Mother, hush," I ordered her, "You did not leave us, we knew who our parents were, we saw you often enough. I am a failing as a son, not you as a mother."
"You never failed me Edward."
"You never failed me, ever."
"I did."
"No you didn't," I gabbed her arm tighter and shook her slightly, willing her to believe it.
Her arms enclosed me and her head was in my chest and mine on her shoulder and despite the fact that I was around a foot taller than my small mother I felt comforted to be once again held in maternal arms.
"You're so much more open recently Edward, you… you used to be so silent, and I didn't know how to bring you out of it. And then since your birthday you're-"
"Better?"
"Not better, I… I don't want to say you're better because it implies that before you weren't good, but now…"
"Mother, how did you know you loved father?"
"Because he gave me a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to live each day to the full, to be the best person that I could be for that day."
"that is when you have found someone to stay with, someone who inspires you to get up every day and try to be better than the day before."
That was what Carlisle had said.
It was not my mother's fault that I was useless; I would not allow her to think that. If nothing else, then this incident between us had encouraged me that from now on I would think more of others, I would stop being selfish and I would have compassion. From now on, I would be a son worthy of Carlisle and Esme Cullen.
And maybe, if I worked hard enough, that would make me worthy of Bella.
And even if I never had her, never got her back, if I managed to make myself a better person for her then I would know, even if I ended up married to Isabella Swan, that Bella had been the one for me.
Because, for the first time, I was inspired to try and be a better person.
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