Authors Note: Guys, don't be mad, please? I'm not going to say what has happened to me after my last update, just know that everything is fine now, and I plan on updating more often. With that said, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, because I do. I had to re-write it 12 times just to get it right, and now I feel it is the best. Also, I have decided to change the Name of This Chapter, for specifIc reasons. And I wanna thank you guys for the reviews, almost to Two-Hundred. You guys are amazing, Keep It Up. (EraBlaise- You two are the best!) I know I've kept you waiting long Enough, so I present you with (In My Opinion) the most Saddest Chapter Yet. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW & ENJOY (:
P.s - Do any of you listen to the songs while reading?haha
Songs For The Chapter: Swimming Pool-Freezepop, Heart Door-Paula Cole, I Will Go Quietly-Shivaree, Whether You Fall-Tracy Bonham
Chapter 11: Anything (Part2)
Tegan POV:
I open my eyes and slowly lift up my head, ready for the answer I knew was comming. I wasn't doing this for a sick reason, I was asking her this because I knew that If I stepped into that shower, I would remember everything, every single thing that guy did to me, and I didn't want that.
She blinks her eyes and takes in a deep breath, the worry expression on her face slowly dying out. Her face was blank now, like she didn't know what to say or do, and it was slowly eating away at my insides, I was making her uncomfortable. I knew when I was doing that, I had gotten used to it with all the other patients, I tried to be friends with them, but they would talk alot of shit, so I knew when I wasn't welcomed or when people felt awkward around me, it was nothing new.
I drop my head and my eyes land on her socked feet on the tile, maroon with vanilla stripes and polka dots. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, especially her, she was the only person who I needed around, I didn't want to make her leave.
"I'm sorry . . . I shouldn't have asked."
I whisper. I shouldn't have, but I needed to. Everytime I shower, I always keep my eyes open, even when I'm washing all the shampoo off, but that day when I saw Sara, watching me undress, I thought it was okay to close my eyes for once, because I felt like I was safe to. But when I did . . . he came back, but when I woke up, there she was, her face hovering over mine.
"Do you mind if I ask why . . . why you need me to shower with you?"
I hear her voice, my mind suddenly going blank. Have you ever wanted someone to stay, for specific reasons, but when they ask you for an explantion, you just die inside, because you wish they wouldn't question you, and just do it? Thats what I was feeling, I just wanted her to understand that I needed her, without the questions, without the explanations, without it all.
"I can't tell you Sara . . "
I hear her sigh and my heart melts. I wanted to tell her everything, sometimes I wanted to just sit there and stare at her, hoping she would just know, but then, I didn't. I had said it before, no one cared, no one listened, even though she told me she wanted to know me, all of me, Im still afraid of what her face will look like when I tell her.
"Why . . . if you tell me, I can help you Tegan."
She says, making me start to get nervous. I told her I can't, please just take that Sara.
"You won't understand . . ."
I whisper, feeling the tears in my eyes start to form, the images of that mans fingers tangled up in my hair flooding my mind.
"You don't know that Tegan."
I felt the nerves in my skin rise and my blood start to boil. It was impossible for her to understand, no one did. But one thing I know, is that I can't go in that shower, I'm not ready to face that memory, I'm not ready to relive it all.
I take in a deep breath, feeling the small puddles in my eyes start to build up again. I lift my head up slowly, my eyes imediately locking with hers, we were a mirror. The small puddles in both of our eyes were the same amount, waiting for one of us to blink first and let the first fall. I blink and the first tear falls from me. She blinks her eyes and the first tear from her eyes falls. I felt the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks to my chest. I didn't want that . . . I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want her to leave me because I did, I just wanted her to realize that I couldn't tell her.
"It's impossible to . . ."
I whisper, seeing another tear slowly fall from the rim of her eye. The guilt made me not want to look at her, I didn't want to see her cry, because of me. I drop my head back down to the floor, and slowly turn my body around, feeling a light breeze from the hallway hit my skin.I feel my stomach flutter and I start to move my feet slowly across the cold tile. I keep taking the babysteps until I'm fully out the bathroom, and in the middle of the hallway, but stop when I hear her soft voice.
"Tegan . . ."
My heart slowly starts to fall, the sound in her voice was so familiar. It was the same sound I heard the day she came into my room and made me stop squeezing my arm, by asking me to hold her hand. I was hurting her more than I had thought . . .
I take in a shakey breath and another tear rolls down my cheek, I couldn't do any of this. I start to move my feet again, feeling my heart completely fall down to the pit of my stomach as I finally got to the doorway of her bedroom, the light beige walls, the white wooden furniture, and the light blue curtains covering the window, making me feel a little at ease. I step into her bedroom and head straight to the bed,standing at the edge and looking down at the sheets. The indents of our bodies were still there, mine on the left, hers on the right. I climb into the bed and slowly crawl to the indent my body left, and lower my body onto the sheets, they instantly hug my body and it makes everything worse. What was I doing to her?
Sara POV:
I watch her body disappear inside my bedroom, the sound of her small feet tapping against my old wooden floors. I didn't mean to push her . . . I just wanted to know why she needed me to shower with her. Why she needed me to do something, thats usually done in private, with her? I understand that she feels safe with me, and I understand that its scarey being here, but what I don't understand is how her mind works. How she could feel so safe around me, how can she let me hold her, and still not trust me . . . I just don't understand. When she asked me to do this with her, I saw the look in her eyes, the look of pain that i've seen before so many times in her. And in that moment, I didn't care what I had to do, I just wanted to make that look go away, I just wanted to help her. But then, something stopped me, one thing held me back, one thing made me re-think my hearts desire to help her, My Mind. My Mind told me that this was wrong, that I was her nurse and it was inappropraite. And in a way, it was right. I am her nurse, she is a patient, a 'Mental' patient. I couldn't do that,what where to happen if Doctor Renolds asked Tegan how she showered, and she said with me? I would get fired, I would loose my nursing license, I wouldn't be able to get a job in the medical field anymore, there was so many things that could happen . . . even not seeing Tegan anymore. But the look in her eyes just moments ago, was also enough to make me push away those thoughts,they were just watering in front of me. Her telling me that I wouldn't understand, that I couldn't understand. And in a way, that hurt me, it hurt me so bad because I feared that maybe she might be right, what if she were to open up to me and I wouldn't understand, what if . . .
I take in a deep breath, forcing my lungs to fill with air. I blink away the new tears that want to form and turn around, looking at the Foggy Clear Curtain, the steam seeping from the top and filling the room. I had to go to her . . . I couldn't let her be scared and alone, especially alone . . . it's not just her biggest fear, it's everyones. I make my way to my shower and pull back the curtain gently, reaching inside and feeling around for the knob. I find it and turn the water off, closing back the curtain and turning around. I look at the doorway of my bathroom, seeing the dim hall, only lit by the bright snow covering my belcony. I walk to the doorway and lift my hand up, switching off the light and stepping off the tile, to the wooden floor again. I take small babysteps as I make my way to my room, wondering what on earth I was going to say, what was there to say?
I stop a foot away from my door, feeling my heart start to race inside my chest, my ribs keeping it from falling out. I was always a person who thought about things before, I made sure I knew the consequences, I made sure I knew the outcome, but here I was, so confused for the first time, about what to do. For once, I think I should have listened to my heart, for once, I don't want to know what the outcome will be, I just want help her.
I feel my eyes start to sting as I take the last step to my doorway. I lift my head and my eyes imediately go to the bed, my heart stopping at the sight in front of me. Tegan, she was laying on her back, both of her arms hovering above her face, her eyes glued to them as the small tear slipped from the corner of her eye, she was looking at her scars. I blink away the water starting to build at the rims and start to make my way to my bed. When I get to the edge, I felt everything in my body shake as I saw how red her eyes were, like she had been crying for months, but in reality, it was only 5 minutes. She doesn't take her eyes off of her arms as I slowly climb onto my bed, the matress moving as I lay down and turn on my side, facing her, watching her as she watches herself. It's like looking at someone and watching them die, moments before they take their last breath. Only this person was different, she was broken in so many ways, that she didn't look the way others did. She didn't look like she was remembering her life, she didn't have the sparkle in her eye because she was thinking about the people who made her life fun, that was no where in her eyes. She looked like she was ready to just leave, to just end it all with one deep gash, and that scared me, There was no way to stop the small tear that broke free from the puddle.
"32."
She says, barely above a whisper. I look at her eyes, seeing another tear roll down an already made path.
"32 times . . . I tried to leave."
She whispers again.I felt my heart drop as I realized what she was saying now. I tear my gaze away from her eyes and look at her arms above her face, the forming scars resting perfectly on her skin. In the corner of my eye, I see her head start to turn towards me, I tear my gaze away from her arms and look at her face.
Oh my god . . .
Her eyes were ten times more red, eyelashes clumped together from her tears, and the stains on her cheek looked like they were indented in her skin. I bring my eyes back to hers, finding her looking straight into mine, another tear falling.
"32 times . . . I failed."
She says, letting out a muffled sob.
Tegan . . .
"I failed. . . each time"
She closes her eyes and drops her hands to her stomach, my heart shattering into a million pieces. If only she knew that her failing, was probably one of the most best things she's ever done. I blink and the puddles in my eyes break completely, streaming down my face. I lift my hand up from the sheets between us and trail it through the air, hovering over her hand. I lower my hand down and rest my palm against the back of her hand, feeling her bones lightly shake under her blanket of skin. I curl my fingers down in the spaces between her fingers and rest my tips on her palm. She slowly opens her eyes and I lock our gaze instantly, wanting her to see that I was happy she failed . . . because I needed her around.
I grip the back of her hand gently and lift them off her stomach, trailing them through the air and bringing them inches away from my chest. I keep my eyes on her as I lower our hands down, her palm resting above the place where my heart is, my beating heart. She tears our gaze and looks down to our hands, I felt her bones start to ease inside her skin. How I did that, I still didn't know.
"Im happy you failed . . ."
I say through my tears. Maybe if I told her what I thought about her, what I felt for her, what I felt because of her, she would know that failing really was the best thing she's ever done, because she had someone who cares . . . someone who didn't want her to leave, someone who was now, willing to do anything, without questioning it . . . someone who was me.
"Why . . ."
She whispers. I stare into her eyes, wondering when did she start to question her worth, her value to someone. She lifts her eyes up from our hands and looks at me, her hazel eyes piercing straight into mine, waiting for me to answer.
"Because . . . I need you Tegan."
I whisper, feeling my eyes water more as she just looked at me. I needed her, in so many ways. I didn't grow up like her, with whatever past she had, but something I knew the familiar feeling of, was being alone. When Bryan and I were kids, my life was perfect. I had a brother who loved me more than anything and protected me from the bullies at school, I had my mother who was a stay at home mom, cooked, cleaned and tucked us into bed every night, and I had a father, who came home from work and went straight to his chair, scooping my brother and I up onto each knee and bouncing us up and down, placing kisses on our cheeks. That lasted for a while, until we found out about Bryans condition. My Dad would come home and go straight to his chair and turn on the TV, My Mom checked up on us while we tucked ourselves into bed and locked our doors, and the talks at the dinner table stopped. Our family completely changed, my mom, who I once could talk to about anything, was to stressed to listen.
"Can I hear it?"
She whispers, the sound of hope laced in it. I take my eyes off hers and search her face, seeing the dried up tear stains on her cheeks, no more was I ever going to question anything she asked. I was her nurse and my job . . . was to do whatever I could, to help her.
"Please don't ever ask me again . . . "
She blinks her eyes and I see more water flood into them, making me continue.
"My answer will always be yes . . ."
She looks at me and I couldn't help but weakly smile as her eyes blinked away the water. I keep my eyes on her as she turns her body facing me. She glides her body across the sheets, getting closer to me by the second, until she's centimeters away. I watch her more and she scoots down, aligning her head to my chest. I look at her face, seeing her watch my hand linked over hers, resting above my heart. She starts to gently wiggle out of my grasp. I help her out and take my hand off hers, the emptiness not hitting me like usual. I bring my hand up to her forhead and extend my fingers in her hair, running them back against her scalp. Suddenly, I feel her hand lightly grip my hip bone, making me look down. She was still looking at the place where our hands were moments ago. She pushes up the material covering my hip, and I feel her warm palm touch my skin, sending small bolts of electricity up my spine. I feel her thumb start to slowly circle against my skin, making my stomach start to flutter at her touch. Her hand suddenly leaves my skin, the patch where her hand once was burning, until I feel her grip the hem of my shirt. My fingers freeze in her hair, stopping right above her neck when I feel her start to slowly pull up my shirt, the small breeze hitting my exposed stomach. But suddenly, her hand stops.
"Sara . . ."
I hear her voice and it rings through my ears, it was clear to me now what she was asking. She wanted to hear my heartbeat, without the material covering it. I stop running my fingers through her hair, my mind starting to voice the facts. I feel her thumb start to trace small figures into the skin right under my ribcage, it was about her, anything. I push away the facts, and slowly lift my hand up from her head. I bring my hand down to her face, hovering it close to her jaw, then gently pressing my palm against it, feeling it instantly clench in my palm. I rest my fingertips against her cheek, lightly gripping her jaw and lifting her head up. I stare into her eyes as she looks between the two of mine, thinking she might have crossed the line.
"Anything you want."
"Anything?"
She whispers. I felt my heart warm inside my chest as I looked at her, feeling like she was a begger asking for money. I turn my body over and lay on my back, looking up at the white ceiling. I loosen my grip on her jaw and gently lift my hand off. I trail it through the air and bring it to the hem of my shirt, already bunched up under my rib cage. I bring my other hand up from the matress to the hem and grip my shirt. I arch my back and slowly pull up the material, feeling it slide against my back. I pull it over my head and toss it off the bed. I take in a deep breath and slowly lower my head down, looking at my chest, only covered in a white bra. I arch my back again and bring my hands under my body grabbing hold of the straps and unhooking them. I feel it pop off my chest, making me slightly jump.
She needs this
I bring my hands back around and place them on my shoulders, gripping the straps and sliding them off my arms. I toss it off the bed too, looking down at my chest, my bare chest. The nerves in my body were sworming around my skin, making my breathing start to grow heavy.
"You don't have too."
I hear her voice, her soft sweet voice. It was enough to make the nerves in my surface sink back down. I slowly turn my whole body around, her head leveled with my chest still, but she was looking up at me. The look in her eyes made my lips slowly curl into another weak smile.
"I know . . . but I want too."
I whisper. I bring my hand up from the sheets and trail it to her neck, hovering centimeters away from it. I gently press my palm down on her skin, feeling my palm burn with tingles. She tears our gaze and trails her eyes down my neck, to my chest. I watch her face as her eyes scan my skin. I thought I would feel exposed, I thought that I would feel awkward with her looking at me, wearing nothing but my flesh. She slowly leans her head forward and turns her face to the side, her cheek colliding with my skin, making my eyes skin was warm against mine, like two flames colliding with one to create the massive outcome. I feel a shock when her hot breath ghosts passed my nipple, my mouth slowly opening. Suddenly, everything in my mind fades as I feel her palm press down on my ribs, under my breast. I slowly move my hand to the back of her neck and lightly grip it, feeling her small hairs tickle my palm, what was she doing to me?
Minutes pass by as I lay there, feeling her steady hot breath hit my breast every couple of seconds. I have never had this before, this kind of connection with someone. Im an understanding person, I love to make people happy, but I had my limits. I had limits with everyone, but not with her. For some reason, they all seem to fade when I look at her, like they had never even existed.
I hear a small sigh, another chill running up my spine as her breath hits my skin. The corner of my lips start to slowly curl as her even breath sinks into my pores, was she?
"Tegan?"
I whisper. I was answered with another breath. She was asleep. I felt my body ease into the sheets as I sighed, the connection was something I didn't understand yet, but that was okay, because I'm pretty sure she didn't either.
"I'll be here when you wake up . . . I promise."
Tegan POV:
I walk to the doorway where Ms. Miller is standing, collecting the name cards we made takes Billy's name card, then turns and looks down at me. I smile and she giggles back, holding out her hand for my card. I hand it to her and she takes it, putting it on top of the others.
"How was your first day Tegan?"
I smile wide, remembering today. I played handball with my friend Anthony, then we played Kickball. I made a new friend, her names Laura, and we decorated our name tags together, school was fun.
"I had Fun, I made a new friend too!"
She smiles and nods her head, placing her hand on my back and gently pushing me out of the door.
"That's good, Be here tomorrow bright and early."
I nod and she smiles at me, one last time, before I turn around and walk down the hall. As I walk, I look at the colorful paintings on the walls, the large Math Problems, Paintings of People, Paintings of Science experiments. I get to the end and push open the large double doors, the cold winter air hitting my face. I smile as I look at the crowd of kids, holding their parents hands, I didn't have to do that anymore, my mom said I was a Big Girl now. I walk down the stairs and push my way through the kids, feeling my stomach turn as I think about my dad. I couldn't wait to get home and tell him EVERYTHING I learned today. Even though it was the first day, I learned alot already.
I step out of my school and onto the sidewalk, seeing nothing but people in big puffy jackets and beanies on their heads. I walk with the crowd, looking at all the stores I've been inside before. I look straight ahead as I stop at my first crosswalk, mom said to always wait for the white little man walking on the meter, thats when I go. I stand in front of the crowd and look at the busy street. The cars passing by, steam leaving that little metal tube at the bottom. Seconds later, the man appears on the meter and I smile, stepping onto the street and crossing it.
I keep looking at all the stores, wondering what was in them now. My mom and I used to come to them every weekend, but its been a long time since then, mom just hasn't been the same. But, Im planning to change that, I told my mom that when she gets home today, I wanted us to bake Brownies and Watch Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, she said thats her favorite movie in the world.
I look up and see my apartment building, my stomach tingles as I remember what my mom said.
'Your dads going to be home when you get out of school.'
I smile wide and run through the crowd, stepping in front of our building's door. I grip it tight and pull it back with all my strength. It swings open and I smile bigger. I run inside and climb up the one flight of stairs, feeling my heavy backpack hit my jacket with each movement.I get to the top and look at our door, in the corner of the hall. I run as fast as I can, and finally stop in front of it. I'm gonna tell him about Laura, Im gonna tell him about Handball today, Ms. Miller, What I had for lunch, Everything! I place my hand on our doorknob and twist it, pushing it open fast. It hits the wall behind it and I run in, looking around for my dad.
I scim the living room and kitchen, finding it empty with the lights off, he was probably asleep. I sigh, closing the door and walking to the living room.I get to the couch and set down my backpack on the floor, I wonder if dad will mind that I wake him up? I shrug and run over to my parents room, seeing the door closed.
"Dad?"
I lightly tap on the door and wait. When I don't hear anything, I twist the door knob and push the door open. I peek my head inside and look around the room, the bed was still messed up, there were clothes thrown around the room, but one thing I noticed, was that my dad wasn't in there? I close the door and walk back over to the couch,I sit down and grab the small blanket on the arm rest. I unfold it and put it over my body, snuggling into it. I was excited to come home and tell my dad everything, but he's probably still at work. I sit there and watch the door, waiting for it open and for my parents to walk in, smiles on their faces, ready to hear about my day.
I feel a familiar fingertip lightly trace the outline of my lips, the small tickling sensation making the memory start to slowly fade away.
"When are you going to wake up . . ."
I hear the sound of her soft gentle voice, ringing through my ears. I start to take in a deep breath, feeling her fingertip stop moving against my skin, and rest in the middle of my bottom lip. The wave of comfort started to slowly crash down on me as her finger started to move again.
"You're so beautiful . . . "
I hear her whisper softly. I felt my heart start to shake inside my chest, and my lips tremble at her touch. My nerves start to slowly rise as my eyes start to open, seeing nothing but a familiar blurry blue glow in front of me. Her finger stops again in the same spot and I blink my eyes, my nerves exploding at the sight in front of me. Sara, she was centimeters away from me, the blue glow casting upon her skin again. I felt my heart stop shaking once I trailed my eyes to hers, finding her looking directly into mine already. She starts to move her finger again, a small weak smile forming on her lips.
"You're awake. . ."
She whispers. In that moment, as I stared into her eyes, I started to see our old white apartment door, the door I sat in font of and watched for 2 days . . . I saw it inside her. I felt my eyes start to sting as the memory started to come back, why did they leave me . . .
"Tegan . . ."
I look at her and watch as her small weak smile starts to slowly fade away more and more each second. I tear my gaze away from her eyes, not wanting to see the pictures I drew of our family, taped to the back of that door, and close my eyes. They start to sting again as the picture of our old white door floods my mind again . . . that was the worst part of waiting. While I waited for my parents to come home, I studied that door, every inch of it, memorized each scratch, each piece of chipped paint, and every scuff mark we created . . . I had studied it all. I felt my body start to tremble as my eyes scimmed the door, watching as the knob started to slowly turn.
"Tegan . . . whats wrong?"
I felt my body breakdown and my eyes start to form puddles behind my closed lids . . . I lived with this memory for so long, I've played it in my head a million of times, trying to figure out, why the door never opened, even if the knob always turned. Suddenly, I felt her finger leave my lips, my lips starting to tremble more without it. But they stop, once I feel her warm palm press against my jaw, her fingers lightly resting against my skin. I start to slowly open my eyes, but stop once I feel a big tear break free and roll down my cheek.
"I wish I knew how to help you . . ."
I hear Sara whisper. I slowly open my eyes and look at her, watching her search the skin on my face. She's done so much for me already, she saw me almost leave this world, but brought me back . . . she let me hear her bare heartbeat, she holds my hand, always at the right moments, she's done enough.
She trails her eyes back to mine, our connection locking instantly. It was then, that I saw them, it was then that I saw the small tiny crystals forming in the corners of her eyes, it was then, that I saw what I was actualy doing to her . . . I was blocking her out. The only person who made it clear to me, that they cared, the only person who told me to never ask them for permission, because her answer will always be yes, that was the person I was blocking out . . . that was the person I was pushing away. What was I doing?
I tear my gaze away from her eyes and trail them down her skin, passed her jawline, down her neck, and stopping at the skin that layed over her heart, glowing under the same blue ray. I slowly move my eyes down her skin more, stopping once my eyes land on her breast. I felt my eyes start to sting again as I looked at her skin, her pale bare, untainted skin. No gashes, no bite mark scars, no ring scars, nothing . . . just skin. I forgot what untouched skin looked like . . . the beauty of it, the feeling of it.
I take a deep breath and let it out shakily, feeling my nerves rise again. I felt the small amount of Envy hit me as I just stared at her skin, mine once looked like that, mine was once untouched and unstained. . . mine were once beautiful, like hers.
I trail my eyes to the center of her breast, looking at her light tan nipple, just like the rest of her skin, it was untouched, just like the rest of her skin . . . it was beautiful. I feel my heart race as I gently lift my hand up from the space inbetween our bodies, feeling the sheets stick to my palm. I slowly trail it through the air and bring it inches away from her breast. My heart starts to speed up more as I extend my index finger out and gently press it down onto her bare flesh, a bolt shooting through my body and up my spine. I feel her body start to flutter as my finger starts to slowly move around her skin smoothly, not once stopping because of a deep scar. She was willing to do this for me . . . open up a part of her body that was private, just to prove to me, that she ment Anything, I owed her so much . . .
"Sara . . ."
I say barely above a whisper. I stop moving my finger and let it rest against her flesh, feeling the small patch burn under my fingertip. I trust you . . .
"Yea Tegan?"
She says low. I close my eyes, feeling my heart start to speed up, I didn't want her to leave me, god I didn't.
"Are you going to leave me . . ."
I whisper, feeling my eyes start to burn. I wouldn't be mad if she said yes, I would be hurt, but not mad. I had gotten so used to not being able to depend on someone. After My Mom and Dad left, I had to depend on Myself, Until Jay took me in, and I depended on him so much, because I thought he cared . . . but he didn't. I got so used to the feeling of being let down, that that kind of pain was numb to me. It also taught me to depend on myself, but sometimes, I didn't even do that.
"What?"
I slowly open my eyes, finding her staring straight at me, the shiny coat of tears covering her cheeks still. I felt my heart start to crack into pieces as she just looked at me, like she was hurt.
"Are you going to leave me . . ."
I repeat, the same shakey tone. She was bringing everything out of me,my pain, my memories, my weaknesses, she was slowly breaking me down. I didn't want her to knock down my wall, then leave when it came time to repair it . . . .that's the reason I built this wall, to keep that from happening, to keep me from feeling anything . . . but here she was, turning my life upside down,and I didn't want to stop her.
"No . . . . . why would you even ask me that?"
A small tear rolls down the side of her cheek and my heart stops. She said no. I had never asked my parents if they would leave me, because they were my parents, I just assumed they wouldn't. I never asked Jay, because he was the one to invite me in, I thought that ment he wanted me around . . . but it didn't.
I look into her eyes again, feeling another brick fall from my wall, exposing a small piece of my naked body behind it.
"Because . . . My Parents did . . ."
Sara POV:
In that moment, I felt my heart break, split down the middle and crash down to the pit of my stomach, breaking in to tiny, unfixable, pieces. Her parents . . . they left her. As I look into her eyes, watching her struggle under my spotlight, It all became clear to me now, everything made so much sense . . . why she was this way.
"Tegan . . . ."
I didn't know what to say, this is what I feared so much. She told me I wouldn't understand, and she was right. What do you say to someone who is afraid of you leaving, because their own flesh and blood left them? What do you do to make them feel better? . . . What do you do to make them understand, that you are not going anywhere. . .
I take in a sharp shakey breath and look at her, watching as each tear left her eyes. I wonder what she looked like that day, the day they left her, I wonder what went through her mind, I wonder what she was feeling . . . she probably felt like she was nothing to them, like she wasn't good enough. And it was then, that I realized something . . . something that would change my life forever . . . She was becoming everything to me.
I feel another tear drop down from the rim of my eye to my cheek, my skin tingling as it rolled down. I loosen the grip my fingers have on her jaw and slowly slide my palm down her to her chin, feeling her strong bone craddle in my palm. I lift my thumb up and slowly bring it to her lips, hovering right above it, watching them tremble.
"I'm never . . . going to leave you Tegan."
I whisper. She looks at me and I look at her, staring directly into her eyes. I ment it, there was no hiding it anymore, I needed her and she needed me, there was no way I could leave, even if I tried.
I tear my gaze off of her and look down, seeing her finger, lightly resting on my breast. When she pressed it down on my skin, I felt my whole body melt at her touch, I was a mudd brick turning back into in that moment,I only wanted to feel one thing from her, I wanted to feel her cling to me, I wanted to feel her head in my neck, I wanted to feel her breath sink into my skin.I wanted to feel what I did to her.
Tegan POV:
I stare at her eyes, watching them look down. Why did I need her so much . . . I wanted to know. I wanted to know why her touch could calm me instantly, I wanted to know why I felt so safe around her, I wanted to know what she's doing to me . . .
I feel another tear break and run down my cheek. She lifts her gaze up and looks into my eyes again, making my body flutter. Thats something else I wanted to know, why her eyes made me shake, why they made my heart stop, why they made my heart race . . . why they made me crazy.
"Can I hold you?"
She whispers low, and just like that, my heart stopped. Thats all I wanted her to do.
"Please. . . "
I whisper. I look at her, pleading with my eyes, I needed her arms around me, especially after what I had just told her. I needed her to show me that she was never leaving, I needed her to see that for once. . . I was depending on someone with my life.
She looks into my eyes and starts to slowly glide her hand up, my jaw once again, craddling in her palm, her warm soft palm. I feel my heart start to tremble as she just looks at me, never once breaking the connection.
"Come here."
She says, slowly lifting up her head, exposing her long stern neck. I tear my gaze away from her eyes and look at her skin, remembering the feeling of it, the warmth it brough to me, how many times it has soaked up my tears. Her neck was my favorite place in the world.
I slowly lean foward, getting closer by the second. I turn my face to the side, and let my cheek collide with her skin, my left cheek resting under her jaw. I felt the comfort wash over me once again, making my body instantly melt, only she did this to me. I feel her palm start to slowly move up my jaw more, passing my ear and tangling up in my hair, her soft fingertips lightly grazing my scalp.
Suddenly, I felt a familiar thump on my left cheek, hitting the center of my skin. Her Pulse. I slowly close my eyes,letting the small faint beats sink into my memory. It still amazed me just how Alive her heart sounds, how each beat sounds like it comes from a brand new drum . . . it was still so beautiful.
"Tegan?"
I hear her whipser softly. She stops moving her fingers through my hair and I feel my body start to tense, maybe she was regretting everything now? Maybe she realized exactly what she just got herself into. . . maybe she was going to leave.
"Yea?"
I whisper hesitantly. Please don't leave me.
"Thank you . . ."
She whispers. I felt my body ease as the words lingered through my ears. She was thanking me. And in that moment, I reazlied something . . . I realized that It should be me saying those words, not her.
I slowly turn my head to the side more, my lips grazing her skin. I stop once I feel her pulse lightly beat against my lips, just like before. I was Thankful for it,I was thankful because It was keeping her alive, because she was keeping me alive.
I close my eyes and purse my lips, feeling them sink into her skin, the beats still hitting, only harder. I feel her muscles start to tense and her fingers freeze in their spots. I slowly pull away my lips and and lift my head up a little more, resting my forhead on the side of her jaw. Her skin was so soft against my lips, but what made my heart skip a beat, was how perfectly my lips molded into her skin, like they were made for her flesh.
"Thank you ."
I whisper into her neck. I felt my body start to relax as her fingers started to dance across my scalp again. Suddenly, my body goes numb once I feel her soft lips graze against the top of my head, the same burning sensation I had on mine, in her wake. I open my eyes and stare at the dark space in front of me, knowing her skin was centimeters away. As her lips linger against my scalp, I felt my eyes grow heavy.
"Go to sleep."
I feel her whipser into her scalp. As her lips stayed there, I closed my eyes and let our a sigh. I could sleep like this forever . . .
