From now
Until forever
And ever, my darling
Forever
You will always be the only one
You will always be the only one
If you should ever need me
Unfailingly, I will return to your arms
And unburden your heart
And if you should remember
That we belong together
Never be ashamed
Call my name
Tell me I'm the one you treasure
Forever- Mariah Carey
Going After him!
Chapter 12: Commitment
"Good morning Beautiful" I said to her. Would I ever get tired watching her wake up, not likely. "Hi" she said back while opening up her eyes. I leaned in to kiss her and she pulled back from me. Instantly I felt nothing but rejection. She had realized last night was a mistake. I calmed my voice so I didn't sound as frantic as I was feeling.
"Whats wrong Bella?"
"Nothing is wrong Edward." She looked like she was trying so hard not to laugh. What was so funny? I didn't get it, whatever it was. Here she was rejecting me after the best life of my existence and she was laughing. I felt like my dead heart was again breaking. "I would just really like a human moment before I kiss you, if you know what I mean?" She said raising one eyebrow at me. All the while obviously trying not to laugh. Real smooth Edward. She must of seen the panic on your face. But all in all I sighed in relief. She still wanted me. "Your to cute; you know that?" She said. She blew me a kiss than she wiggled out of my arms and stood up off the couch. As soon as she stood on her legs a look of pure pain ripped across her face. She shrieked a little and was falling to the floor as her knees gave out.
Of course being the creature that is me I was able to catch her before she hit the floor. She wouldn't even look up at me. She knew I was going to be furious. Was this why she had just stayed in bed and kept sleeping. She didn't want me to know how much I had hurt her. I was disgusted with myself. The first time was bad enough but I continued on for hours. To wrapped up in the passion and intimacy to worry about anything else. I can guarantee I am not going to be getting caught up in anything else again. I couldn't believe I had stayed silent all this time. I had just caught her and pulled her up into my lap. I was to angry to even think straight. And she still would not even look at me. Like a little kid that knew they were in trouble.
I just pick her up and walked silently into the bathroom. I couldn't trust myself to talk. I did not want to take my anger out on her. Yes I was upset that she didn't tell me she was in pain, but I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at myself. And what I had let myself do. I was suppose to be stronger than this. What kind of disgusting creature was I really? There was one thing for sure I was never going to touch her again. DAMN IT!!!!! And it had been so amazing. But that is not what matters, Bella's safety is most important and I had sacrificed that for my own pleasure. I sat her on the counter and walked back into my room. With my vampire speed I was back in a matter of seconds with her toiletries bag. I sat it on the counter next to my Bella and started to walk out.
"Edward wait!" She said with desperation in her voice. I turned to look back at her. I had no idea what my face looked like but it seemed to make her sad. But right now I felt so messed up I wasn't sure what emotion I really felt. Remorse, self-hatred or sadness. "You can stay in here with me." I just looked at her for a minute. I had to walk away for minute and clear my head "Call for me when your done and I'll come back and carry you wherever you want to go." I said, and my voice sounded just as emotionless as I felt. Like I was dead; huh! which technically I am. "Edward please don't go. I don't like to be away from you. I was away from you for too long before." I stiffened instantly. I could not talk about that right now. Not when I was already so upset. But you could hear the desperation and pain in her voice. Begging me with her beautiful deep chocolate brown eyes to stay. My angel didn't deserve to hurt. I know she was not trying to hurt me when she said it, she was just scared. I also knew that my long silence was scaring her too. "I'm sorry baby." she whispered "I wasn't trying to hurt you I was just trying to show you how much I want you here with me. I want to be around you as much as possible. Please stay. I love you." I couldn't even look at her now. I would stay if I looked back at her. And I needed to walk out for at least a minute or so. So I could stop mentally abusing myself and think how I was going to handle this.
"Please Edward. I could use your help. I wanna take a shower and you can help me. You know in case it's to hard to stand." What the fuck! Did she really think she was making me feel better or making me not want to be angry. She just brought up two of the worst things I had ever done in my life. I looked back at her in shock and instantly relaxed a little. You could tell by her face that she had meant that in a good way. Not throwing it in my face and I instantly cussed myself for thinking negative about this perfect woman in front of me. She was just trying to do anything to get me to stay with her and was saying all the wrong things. She was using my weaknesses; she knew I wouldn't want her to be in pain. She would never intentionally hurt me. And I would never intentionally hurt her but it seems that is all I kept doing. Whether it was mentally or physically I was always hurting her in some way.
I had always been stubborn but now I was going to be more than just stubborn. I couldn't be without her but I couldn't mentally take hurting her again. I would just have to put back all my carefully erected boundaries we had back in Forks.
"Look at me Edward." I couldn't. "I swear Edward I will lock you in this bathroom with me until you look at me so we can talk. And don't even say you'll just break the door, because I know you won't. Esme would be furious and you know it. Now look at me or do you want me to get up and walk over to the door and lock you in."Again she knew I wouldn't really want her to walk to much and risk hurting herself more. She made to get up off the counter. She was so not playing fair. I instantly turned and looked at her. "There that's better. I'm fine Edward. You need to stop beating yourself up over this; and don't just roll your eyes at me. Talk to me damn it."
"What do you want me to say to you Bella. Look at you." How could she expect me to not be upset. She could barely stand for christ sakes. I again felt disgusted with myself. And longed to go down stairs and beg Emmett to beat the crap out of me. All because I wasn't strong enough to control some hormones.
"What! What's wrong with me? I am a little sore! WOW!!! Great reason to act like this Edward. It's not like I am all beat to hell. I am sore that's it. But lets think about this for a minute. Yesterday was the first time I have ever had sex and we did have sex alot. So it only makes sense that I am a little sore. It's not like this is a everyday thing for me." she shouted at me "A little sore Bella really. You could barely even stand. And I know this is not a everyday thing for you and it won't ever be. I will not cause you all this pain. I have caused you enough and it damn near killed us both. I will not be the cause of anymore. Mental or physical pain. I can't take it" I shouted right back at her. I couldn't believe we were yelling at each other.
"First just let me say that I love you but you are acting like a giant baby right now Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. You are not the only person in this relationship. And did you ever think that one reason it was so hard for me stand is because on top of all the phenomenal sex (I had to roll my eyes. She was ridiculous, trying to make excuses for my disgusting behavior. But I love her.) we had last night I was also laying in that bed for what like 10-12 hours if not longer sleeping. So add sore newly used muscles in my legs to laying in a bed all day getting stiff. Makes a little sense to me. And another thing you are not just gonna tell me that we are not going to do that anymore. Like I said you are not the only one in this relationship, and if I say I am fine I am. Do you think I want to hurt myself. I don't and I wouldn't no matter what was causing the pain."
"No Bella. I'll agree with you about laying in bed that long effecting your legs; but we are not going to make love again. It is to dangerous for you and I have always known that." I was just the idiotic vampire that went against my instincts "So you just think that you are gonna put up all those stupid boundaries again?" she snarled at me. She literally snarled at me. I don't think she even realized it. "That's exactly what I plan on doing." She just looked at me for a few minutes. And she looked down right pissed. I could see it in her eyes that she was thinking over all this. I started to get a little worried.
"Fine Edward that's just fine. Have it your way." She got up off the counter and as soon as she put her weight down you could tell she was in pain. That wouldn't help this situation any. I watched as she just gritted her teeth and walked towards the door. She turned towards me when she reached the door. "Bye Edward."
"What the hell do you mean BYE?" I think I was about to hyperventilate and I don't even need to breathe. I could feel my hands start shaking while all these thoughts started running through my head. Stop her, Tell her you love her, Tell her your sorry, Tell her you'll make love to her right now. Tell her anything just don't let this be it. But I couldn't get my mouth to move.
"I'm leaving. I'm going to see if someone can drive me to the airport. If this is the way our relationship is going to be than I am just going to leave. Regardless that you are a vampire and I am only human we are suppose to be a team. Not one against the other. This is all ridiculous and you know it. What are you regretting it already. Sorry that you went through with it?"
"No Bella love, not at all. I ju..."
"No" she cut me off mid-sentence. "It's obvious you do. Or you wouldn't be using this stupid ass excuse to not be around me. Well I'm not going back to the kind of relationship we had before Edward. The one where you barely touched me or held. Where we could never really be close, be one. Now that I know what the other way is I refuse to go back. Obviously you have more control over yourself than you can admit since you just had hours of sex with me and the only thing wrong with me is sore muscles. So there has to be something else. I'm sorry for whatever it is Edward. I truly am. And I love you. Always."
And with that she walked out my door. I didn't even have time to respond. To beg and plead. I lost her again and I instantly started spiraling down the path I was headed 24 hours ago before she showed up and saved me. I heard her start sobbing as soon as she was out my door and I listened as she walked upstairs to Alice. I heard Alice start to comfort her. And for the fifth time in my life I felt like my already dead hurt was breaking again. I had to get out of here and quick. I grabbed the keys to Volvo and ran outside. Making sure to steer clear of everyone. I did not want their anger, remorse, pity or whatever they would feel towards me. Because I once again fucked up the best thing that has happened to me is this very long life I have had. "You are an idiot Edward." Alice thought to me in her head. I just kept driving. She was right. There probley wasn't a bigger idiot than me. She was leaving. She didn't want me anymore.
I drove around for hours. Not really looking or thinking just driving. I could drive these roads without looking. Finally I realized there was only one place I could go right now. It took me about twenty minutes to get to where I needed to be in this moment. Well the only other place I needed to be. I really needed to be with my Bella but I screwed that up. I parked the Volvo on a deserted road and ran the next 30 miles. Here it was, my new thinking place. It was a bad substitute for what it was replacing but it worked. In all my years I don't think I had ever found somewhere as beautiful and serene as my meadow; our meadow in Forks, Washington. And the fact that I had spent so much time there with Bella made it that much more spectacular to me.
I couldn't believe I had messed this up so royally. Again! What was wrong with me. Did I not deserve happiness like I had always thought. But whenever I was with Bella it always made me think maybe I did after all deserve to find happiness. I mean all my brothers and sisters had found their one and only. The one person they couldn't be without. They were all happy. Was I that much more terrible than everyone. Maybe Alice, Rosalie, Emmett Carlisle, and Esme. They were all better and more descent than me. They had not left the family to go out and kill humans. Even if I was only killing the murderers and rapists. I was still taking lives, I was not God. It was not my place to say who lived and who died. But I put my conscious at ease by thinking another girl would not die or be raped by taking out this one monster. But Jasper was no better than me. He too hurt tons of people. And I did not in anyway look down on him for these things. It was what he was taught. He took humans lives and turned them into the monsters we were and than when their strength was deteriorating he took away the second non-life he had given them. And all the countless vampires he killed during the wars he helped fight and the innocent humans he fed off of. Jasper had more on him and he was happy.
So there was no way this was punishment for my horrendous crimes. I was just a hopeless idiot. Plain and simple. I was not being punished by God or any other being. I was being punished by myself. How masochistic can one person be? I obviously had no idea what I was truly doing in a relationship. I mean hell I had went 108 years without a relationship. Not an intimate one. I had relationships with my parents; both human and vampire. And I had relationships with my siblings. But those were completely different kinds of relationships. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships were new to Bella too, but she still knew that the relationship was suppose to be even. Both members of said relationship having an equal say in every aspect of the relationship. Not one person dominating the whole thing.
But she walked away from me this time. She left me standing alone in that room. She ran to Alice. And that's when it clicked. I really was an absolute idiot. She hadn't left me, she had just gone to calm down and let me calm down so that we both could think. Think before both of us or either of us said something to outrageous. Not that I thought that either of us would actually say something we would really regret, but it was smart of her to remove herself just in case. I bet she thought of that from experience with her mom and Charlie and her mom and Phil. She hadn't left and wasn't planning on it. She just went to Alice for comfort. And though I was a little peeved that it was Alice she was going to for comfort not me. I was glad that she had someone like Alice who really cared about her that she could go to for that sort of thing when it was me that caused the need to be comforted. I was jealous because I wanted to take care of her and love her and comfort her when she was scared or sad. But I was grateful. It would be selfish of me not to be. I thought of all the girls back in Forks who pretended to be her friends and was even more grateful for Alice
I continued to lay there and think about everything. It was obvious she hadn't given up on me; like she probley should. So what was I still doing here. Why did I leave in the first place. Because Edward you always overreact. Especially when it comes to Bella. And usually with Bella again you make the wrong decision. But you can't be without her. That was blatantly obvious. Earlier you felt like you were worthy of her and now you are second guessing that again. Did she deserve you? Probley better, but I was what she wanted and no one would ever love her as much I do. I feel like I do deserve her just because how much I love her; regardless of the dumb things I did sometimes. But what about the issue we were arguing about. Could I let her stand alongside me without freaking out. Looking back now on earlier it is obvious now that she wasn't in to much pain. Nothing life threatening. Just some bruising and sore muscles. Hell she did worse to herself just walking across the room. I had to chuckle to myself thinking about how clumsy she was. So could I let her be my equal. Of course I should but could I bring myself too. Not because I didn't see her as an equal just because it was my second nature to instantly be protective of her. To guard her and make sure she was safe at all times.
How was I going to change that. How was I going to let her stand tall next to me, instead of hidden behind me. I mean she had definitely proved herself to be strong, despite the fact that she was human. She handled the fact that I was not human without even throwing up or passing out. And yes she was scared and got injured but she was strong enough to deal with and survive the James situation. She was strong enough to go alone with me when we first meet knowing I could kill her instantly, ah hell she dealt with that daily from my family when she was around. She survived me leaving her and was strong enough to fly across the country to fight for me when she wasn't willing to give me, to give us up. She has definitely proved that she is strong enough to be my equal and I would be a fool to not allow it.
But how could I prove to her that I was willing to quit thinking that way. That I accepted her as my partner; my true equal. And than the solution hit me. Even harder than the reality that she didn't leave or want to leave. How much more moronic was I going to get. I had to get better at this relationship stuff. I jumped up without hesitation and ran all the way to the Volvo. I made it home in an hour from how fast I was driving. But what I met when I got inside was definitely not ideal. Alice instantly ambushed me.
As soon as I walked in the door she shoved me against the door than I guess that wasn't enough to let out her frustration because she than screamed at me and punched me in the face. I fell back against the door again. Jasper instantly grabbed her to calm her down. Hell I wasn't mad at her. She was just defending her best friend. And in all honesty I deserved it. I deserved much more than just the push against the door and being decked in the jaw. If Jasper hadn't of pulled her away I would of just let her wail on me until she wasn't hurting or angry anymore.
Alice continued to scream obscenities at me and try to get free for a few more minutes. I knew that Jasper was trying to calm her but she was so upset it wasn't working fast enough. I just stood there by the door waiting for her to calm enough for Jasper to release her. It was so loud and so much going on that I couldn't hear Bella anywhere in the house; even with my vampire hearing. Not only was Alice trying to kill me, but Rose and Emmett were both hollering at me and Esme and Carlisle were yelling at them to calm down. Eventually after about 5 minutes or more, though it felt like forever everyone calmed down enough so that Alice could just holler at me a little.
"Edward, what the hell is wrong with you?" she didn't even give me a chance to answer. "You left her like an idiot, and than after she comes to you to make it right. To fight for you, you leave again. Seriously do you really even love her?" That's when I got pissed.
"What the hell do you mean do I even love her. Of course I do, she is everything in this world to me. Yes I messed up when I left her; but you know even if I was wrong at the time I was doing what I thought was right. Yes I overreact to alot of things when it comes to Bella, but that is only because I am new to this and she is human and I was never use to interacting with humans. And tonight well earlier, yesterday whenever. I took her all wrong, I was upset and of course overreacted and took her words seriously. But I know she would never leave me, I am the idiot that left. But I didn't leave as in leaving her. I just couldn't breathe and I don't even need to. I thought she was leaving me and I felt myself spiraling. I had to get out and think. But I am here now because I realized what a complete idiot I was being by overreacting. So don't any of you dare even suggest I don't love her. You guys don't know what its like to be in love with someone your scared shit less to touch, but all you wanna do is touch them. And it takes every ounce of strength you have to fight those urges. Afraid that you could hurt her just because you were careless for one second. Your relationships aren't anywhere near complicated and you still mess up, all of you."
Everyone just looked at me for a second, Alice actually didn't have anything to say back to me. Which was very surprising. And than it happened. I seen Alice tense as she went into a vision. And I felt like I was going to die right than. All I seen in her head was Bella killing herself. It was just different flashes of her killing herself in different ways and flashes of a suicide note. I fell to the floor while watching this and when she snapped out of it and screamed I realized I was on my knees on the floor with my forehead on the ground clutching my chest. I jumped up and was ripping my bedroom door off the hinges before I could help myself. She was laying on the floor sobbing, tears freely falling down her face. With one arm wrapping around her knees bringing them up to her chest and in her other hand was the suicide letter I had wrote about 3 days ago.
"Bella, my love." I said as I crouched by her head. Her eyes popped open and I swear she jumped up faster than I ever thought was possible. I jerked up and stepped back away from her. She just glared at me for a few minutes.
"How dare you?" she shrieked in my face. "I swear to you Edward I could rip your head off right now. How could you do this." And she threw the letter at me. "Do you really think that would of solved anything? Did you really think that little of me that I could not love you the way you love me. That eventually I would find out you went and had your self killed and be fine with it. That than I would be able to move on. What the fuck is wrong with you. Are you really that masochistic?" She blew out a breathe and looked around at her surroundings a little.
"Have I not been clear enough before Edward. A world without you in it is no kind of world to me. Your not the only one who feels that way. I could tolerate living without you, as long as I knew that you were out there alive somewhere living your life. Even if you were living your life without me. Hell even if you had chosen to be with someone else. I could go on with my pathetic life as long as I knew you were still there. But if I was to know that some how you no longer existed. That Edward Cullen was nothing but a memory I could no longer go on with my pathetic life. And that is exactly what my life was when you left: PATHETIC!!! Do you wanna know what I would of done after I got that letter Edward." I didn't answer her. I wasn't quite sure what to say. Well that wasn't true I had lots of things I wanted to say I just couldn't get any of them out.
"Well Edward. Answer me. Do you want to know what I would do?"
"I already know Bella. I just seen all the things in Alice's vision. What did you think that note was from today? Why were you thinking all these things."
"Let's ask you a few more things first Edward. Like why the fuck would you go off to do this again today ." She said pointing at the letter. Oh shit that is why she freaked. I was gone so long that after she found this note she assumed the worst. "I could rip your arm off right now and beat you with it. Did you really think this was a solution?"
"No Bella, You got it all wrong. Today when I was gone I wasn't going to have myself killed. I was ou...... Cut off again.
"So lets get this straight, you weren't off doing anything stupid but you also didn't come back here. And how long have you been here Edward. Leaving me up here thinking that we were over or that worse you had gone off again to have yourself offed."
"I haven't been here that long Bella. And when I got here I was violently ambushed by Alice. Than she had the vision. The one of you, of you well you know and I ran right up here. I thought you were leaving me. I took you words seriously and overreacted." She stared at me for a minute. And when she spoke she sounded so sad and broken. "I wouldn't leave you Edward. Don't you know that. I could never even think about leaving you. You doubted me again. I just needed to think and let you think. Let you see that I can be an equal." And with this she started sobbing. I took this as my cue to lay it all out there.
I instantly sank down on one knee in front of her and grabbed her hands. I looked up at her and I fell in love with her all over again. "Bella. Oh my Bella. I have been such a fool. And the only excuse I have is that when it comes to you I lose all my sense. But you are my everything. And yes leaving you was a mistake, thinking about killing myself was a mistake and leaving today to go THINK was not the smartest move. But I love you my Bella. And I am so sorry that I am always so over protective and I am sorry if I have ever doubted you or your strength. You have proved your strength to me more times than should have been necessary. Be I see now. And while I was gone today I was thinking about what I could do to prove to you that I do see you as my equal. That I want you beside me standing tall; facing anything and everything we might have to face together. Not you crouching behind me because I'm to afraid to let you handle anything."
I stopped talking for a minute and looked into her eyes for a minute. She looked a little nervous, but I was positive that she had no idea what I was about to do. I was down on one knew but the words I was saying didn't really go with a marriage proposal. I looked into the beautiful chocolate brown eyes of the woman I love, the woman I want standing along side me for all of eternity. And I asked her one of the most important questions I would ever ask her. One I never thought I would. "Bella I love you and I want you beside me always. Can I change you? Can I make you immortal? I need us to be together, and though I do see you as my equal. I need you to be in every way and to know I truly see you that way. And I need you to feel that way too. This is what I want. I want forever with you" And than there was silence.
A/N: Hope you like it! Next is Bella's reaction. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! I need more reviews. So I am thinking I might not updat til I get at least 15-20 more reviews. I actually love this chapter and I hope everyone else does too. And don't forget to check out my other story. I have lots of good things planned for it also. Thanks to everyone and especially the ones who always read and review. You know who you are.
