You guys. I am seriously. Not. Worthy. I love you so much!
And may I just say: The Zutara Blog Project?!?!? ZOMG THAT'S SO COOL! I love it. I love you! I love…everything.
I bought a tea set this weekend…it's for my sister. So technically I don't own that…just like I technically don't own Avatar.
Katara hated a lot of things.
She hated papaya.
She hated Sokka. (sometimes)
She hated when her hair felt icky.
She hated when Aang would not stop pestering her.
She hated when Appa's fur made her itch.
She hated sleeping outside on hot, muggy nights.
She hated pirates.
She hated the Fire Nation. (mostly)
But most of all, of all the little, big, and in-between things that Katara hated, she hated feeling like she was acting in a manner completely devoid of any reason or rationale. It made her feel crazy.
Which was why she hated the way she was acting towards Zuko.
There was absolutely no call for her to act coldly towards him. She had kissed him back, for La's sake! Hell, she had liked it! She wanted to do it again. (and again, and again, and again…but she wouldn't let her mind go there just yet.)
So why was she acting like nothing had happened? No, not like nothing had happened. Worse-like something bad had happened?
As she sat during her watch, staring at the fire, it dawned upon her slowly.
She was afraid. She was absolutely, completely terrified of being hurt. She couldn't, wouldn't, refused to take the risk of a relationship with Zuko only to have her heart stomped on later. It would not happen. Not again. Not to her.
She would not give him her heart, herself, only to have him throw it back in her face when he defeated his father and became ruler of the Fire Nation. Katara wasn't stupid. She knew how the world worked. She couldn't be his queen, and she wouldn't be his mistress. Not if there was breath left in her body.
True love be damned, she still had her dignity!
True love? She asked herself. When did we get to that point?
Katara concluded that this was getting ridiculous, and it was getting that way too fast for her own comfort. When did hatred become a vague inclination? When did that become a crush, and that a kiss and that true love? True love. Katara didn't even think it existed up until ten seconds ago.
So much can change in ten seconds… her mind whispered, sending her the memory that had haunted her for four nights now. Him. His lips on hers, his arms around her. She had felt so safe, and warm, and loved.
There it was. That word again. Love. How could she know if she was in love? She wasn't even sure she knew what love was. She had seen it, yes, in many different forms, but none seemed to fit now.
Yue seemed to almost have hit Sokka in the chest with a block of ice, she had taken his breath away so much. He, in turn, became her hero. That, Katara was sure, was love.
Her mother had been so wise, so perfect and ethereal, and her father so brave and loyal, that there seemed to be no other fate than for them to be together. That, Katara knew, was also love.
And she couldn't neglect the memory of Jet. She was certain she hadn't loved him, but rather the idea of him. He had been so dashing, and independent, and at the time, it had seemed like he was invincible, able to take out the Fire Nation with nobody but himself and his faithful friends.
She had seen a lot since those days, and she had known very little then. She realized that now. Jet, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, had not been love.
Zuko? Who knew, with him? He acted like he hated her. Insulted her…belittled her. Then, all of a sudden, he wants forgiveness. He is too proud to ask it, and she too proud to simply give it. So he gives her the most thoughtful gift on a day she'd rather didn't exist. And then, suddenly, inexplicably, they are entwined.
Zuko-I don't know if any amount of apologizing will ever make up for the way I'm treating you. It's inexcusable, I know. But what's even more inexcusable is that I'm perfectly aware of it, and I'm not going to-no, I can't do anything about it.
I wish it could be different. I wish that my feelings for you were as clear as yours for me seem to be, but I'm so confused. And you deserve more than my confusion. You deserve somebody who loves you with every fiber of her being and not a doubt in her mind. That isn't me, Zuko, you know it isn't. And I can't bear the thought of hurting you with my selfishness.
Because that's what it would be. Selfish. It would be completely unfair to let you think that I return all of your feelings, when in truth I'm not entirely sure. I don't deserve your attention. Not now, when I can't make up my mind.
And you know what, Zuko? I think you'll move on before I even make up my mind. I think you know as well as I do that there are prettier, nicer, worthier girls than I out there waiting for you. And one of them might make you much happier than I could ever hope to. Because what could I offer you? My love? And what is my love compared to yours? What is my love compared to another woman's love in conjunction with wealth, connections and political savvy?
I would make a terrible Fire Lady anyway.
Since I'm never giving this to you though, let me say this. I think that even though I'm very confused, I could love you. It's a definite possibility. The thing is, even if I were absolutely certain of it, the thoughts I expressed in the last two paragraphs wouldn't change. Because even if I did love you with every fiber of my being and not a doubt in my mind, you would still deserve better than me.
You should have everything the world has to offer you after all you've been through, and I'm not it. I'm just a scared, confused little girl from the Southern Water Tribe.
That's all.
-Katara.
Okay so I'm not sure how much sense this makes…it seems kind of disjointed to me, but I think that reflects on how disjointed Katara's (and my) thought process was in this chapter.
I'm SO SORRY it took me so freaking long to get this up. Review?
