January 4th

"When is it okay to use violence?"

I'm getting real sick of this shit. Are we five now?

Damien chuckles. "Self-defense comes to mind. If I didn't know how to fight I would be dead by now."

"You got to protect yourself okay, self-defense is acceptable. What other times is it okay?"

"Revenge?" Chuey asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Okay let's say my boy got jumped right? I should be allowed to go and find the fuckers who beat him and kick their asses."

"In theory yes, but then again history has proven that violent retaliation is never the answer. It usually ends in death. How many of your friends have you had to bury because they were out looking for revenge?"

Chuey shakes his head. "Only about five so far, the rest are upstate. They ended up killing the other guys."

"My point exactly, so while wanting revenge is nice, there is no real positive outcome. Is there any other reason to use violence?"

"What about for protection?"

Leon smiles. "Sure, police have to use violence to protect others, but you're not an officer are you Gerald? Why would you have to be violent to protect someone?"

"Let's just say you know...you saw some dude beating on like a little kid or something. If you start beating on the dude to stop him, aren't you protecting the victim?"

"Have you had to do that before Gerald?"

Hell I had it happen to me.

"Once or twice I suppose. You know like when my friends got into a fight or something, I've got to jump in and protect them."

"Helping out those in need is very noble. While I do not condone it, I can see that as a justifiable reason to use violence."

"I guess that makes me a martyr." Timberly better be fucking grateful.

"The key thing I want you to take home today is knowing when it is not okay to use violence. Just because you're pissed off at someone, particularly your partners, doesn't give you the right to smack them around."

"So what are we supposed to do when we want to start using our fists?" Kyle asks.

"I personally find comfort in showering in ice cold water. But you should do whatever you find calming. Go for a run, read, write, anything to just get away from the problem."

"But what if you can't get away from the problem? Ellie just loves to follow me around, antagonizing me even more." Damien scowls.

"Then run like a bat out of hell. Do whatever you can to get away from him. You gentlemen may not know it but that's a form of abuse as well. However, you are still responsible for your own actions."

Chuey sucks his teeth. "No offense man, but you seem to be asking a lot from us these days."

"No, I'm asking you to stop being little boys and to start acting like men."

"Motherfucker we are men."

"Real men wouldn't be sitting in this class Chuey. Real men know how to control their anger." Leon looks me dead in the eye. "And real men confront their problems head on, instead of taking their frustrations out on unsuspecting victims." I break our stare, ashamed. "Class dismissed."

I linger by the door pretending to be preoccupied with the bulletin board. "Something on your mind Gerald?" I look around, everyone is gone.

"Can I ask you something?"

I can't read Leon's face. "Sure, what's up?" I sit back in my chair as he watches me gather my thoughts.

"I want to get better, I really do. But I don't think I can confront my problems."

"And why not?"

"It's…I…I mean…" I sigh hard. Why isn't this working? "I know what I did to Phoebe was pretty bad, but I don't understand why I can't be with her. Our relationship…from my end it was perfect…how did it get so toxic so fast?"

"I can't answer that for you Gerald."

"Then what are you good for?"

Leon smirks. "I can only guide you, that's my job. Look this is clearly weighing heavily on your heart, but until you reflect on whatever it is you did to Phoebe, this shame and confusion your feeling won't go away."

"I just love her so much. I want to be with her so badly. Part of me doesn't care that I'm not good enough for her, I just want her to be mine."

"That's the control talking Gerald, and that only comes from one place." He touches my chest. "You need to be honest with yourself. What's the real problem in your life?"

Leon is a therapist. He probably hears this sob story ten times a day. I'm no one special. "Well… my family isn't that perfect…you see my Dad…" Shut up you idiot! You are damn near eighteen there is no reason for you to be acting like a little bitch. I stand up quickly. "I have to go Leon. I forgot I have a ton of homework to do this weekend."

"Hey Gerald wait," My hand is on the door knob. "Listen if you don't want to be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. I know you have to write in that journal. Write down the truth okay? I promise you will feel better."

"See you next week Leon," I'm out.


My Dad has always been big on time. Either you're on time or you're late. Even before he started working for Big Bob it was a lesson Dad wanted me to learn real quick. I guess I'm a slow learner. I have never been too fond of my eleven o'clock curfew, it interfered with my partying. I can always qualify my actions and chalk it up to typical teenage rebellion. With others, I am less forgiving. Let Arnold tell you, I hate waiting around for people. And this is fairly common knowledge in my circle of friends Judge. Hell even Lorenzo knew not to try my patience when it came to time, and he's been fucking with my head since Phoebe and I got together. I do not tolerate lateness.

I kicked my tire wishing it was her head. Why was she keeping me waiting?

Where the hell are you? I texted her. No response, again.

I checked the time, it was almost four, school got out forty-five minutes ago.

Will you hurry up? I have to get to my boxing class!

She wasn't in eight period either. Come to think of it I hadn't seen her since lunch. There was an incident where Curly attempted to woo Rhonda for the umpteenth time.

"Oh my sweet, I have a present for you." Curly appeared by Rhonda's side, arms behind his thin back.

"You fucking freak get the hell away from me!" She shoved him away. Curly stumbled but that did not deter his grin.

"But my love I have a present for you and after this you will no longer be able to deny my love for you."

"Curly I swear to God if you are not out of my sight in five fucking seconds I'm kicking your ass!" Everyone in the cafeteria was staring at him, Curly always loved an audience.

"Just have a look my dearest." He then presented her with a painting of real beating heart. "It's my heart; it beats solely for you Rhonda."

Rhonda rubbed her temples. "Please tell me this is not happening." She muttered.

"Wow…that's umm…really unique Curly. I like how you used all that red; it makes it look pretty cool." Arnold said trying to diffuse the situation.

"Thank you Arnold, it's my blood."

"What?" Rhonda backed away from him.

"Well yeah Rhonda, it's not a pretty accurate picture of my heart if I didn't use my blood to help me paint it." His grin widened. "Do you like it?"

"I think I'm going to be sick," Lila pushed her food away.

"Damn I knew Curly was crazy but I didn't know he was a fucking psycho." I said putting an arm around Phoebe as Curly tried to get Rhonda to look at his painting.

"You don't know anything about him," Phoebe said under her breath.

I was about to respond when Helga walked over and put a firm hand on Curly's shoulder. Brainy was right behind her, looking ready to help Helga take him down. She whispered in Curly's ear and slowly guided him away from Rhonda. Phoebe moved to follow her but I held her down at the table.

"Where do you think you're going?" Her eyes darted between me and Helga. Helga looked over her shoulder and Phoebe bit her lip. The blonde rolled her eyes and led Curly out of the cafeteria, Brainy in tow. "Don't get involved Phoebe, you don't need to be seen with those freaks," I held her close and went back to eating my lunch. Curly did something crazy like that fairly often although this was the first time in months he had done something so extreme. Phoebe stayed quiet the rest of lunch, not bothering to partake in the gossip now surrounding Curly.

Phoebe if you aren't out here in the next five minutes I'm leaving your dumb ass.

I leaned against my car. I wouldn't leave her, I was too worried. Why wasn't she answering her text messages? A little heads up is all I wanted, is that too much to ask for?

I was ready to text her again when she walked out of the side doors with Curly and Helga. She was holding his hand. That trifling ass bitch. It wasn't enough for her to cheat on me with Lorenzo, now she had to go around with the school freak? Phoebe stroked his hair and gave him a hug; he was unresponsive. She and Helga exchanged a few words before Phoebe walked over to me.

"I'm so sorry baby; I know you must have been worried sick." I looked away, ignoring her. "I know you said don't get involved with Curly and his problems but he needed me today..." Helga and Curly had walked back inside the school building. "…and he told us that he stopped taking his medicine and…" I lowered my eyes down to her innocent face as she looked up at me. "...and I'm really sorry."

I backhanded her.

It felt good.

Phoebe fell on her ass holding her cheek.

"G-G-Gerald,"

"Get up," I grabbed her arm and flung her up against the side of the car. "You think I give two shits about what you had to do with Curly?" I gripped her arm tighter; I could feel her bones "I told you not to talk to other guys, I told you not to hang around Helga, and I told you not to keep me waiting." I said through gritted teeth. Phoebe was breathing heavily, trying to get free of my grasp. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm s-s-sorry."

"I'm sorry," I mocked. I had no sympathy for her. Phoebe knew what the rules were, if she didn't want to follow them she deserved to get punished. "You just love making me look like a fool don't you? I bet you three were having a good laugh at my expense huh?"

"Gerald please, you're hurting me!"

"No I'm not bitch," I shoved her against the car again. "I ought to beat your fucking ass for disrespecting me like this. Is that what you want?" Phoebe was bawling. "What are you crying for you dumb bitch? You knew this would happen! It's your fucking fault for getting me this pissed off."

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to get you upset." She cried.

"Phoebe!" Helga's loud ass voice rang across the parking lot. I put my arms around Phoebe holding her close as to hide her cheek. "Phoebe are you okay? What's wrong?" Helga ran over to us.

"She's fine Helga," I tightened my hold.

"I wasn't talking to you Geraldo." She glared.

"And I said she's fine," I shot back. "She's just feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole Curly thing. Try to keep that freak under control; we don't need him ruining anymore lives."

Helga huffed and rolled her eyes. "You know you can be a real asshole. Phoebe if you want to talk about it when you're not with this dickwad, give me a call. I'm always here to listen, about anything okay." Helga frowned at me for a second longer before turning away.

I didn't release Phoebe until Helga was a good distance away. Her cheek was starting to redden.

"Ice your face when you get home, you don't want to come to school tomorrow and let everyone see how bad you fucked up, do you?"

"N-n-no" She stammered.

"Good, now get your dumb ass in my car so I can take you home. I'm already running late and in no mood for any more of your fucking games."

I peeled out of the parking lot before Phoebe was even buckled in properly.


I can feel it coming.

The familiar blood flow, my veins are flooding with adrenaline.

What made me think I could write about that? Tell the truth?

I try to swallow. No saliva.

Confront my problems? Yeah right.

I fall to my knees as I try to get out of my desk chair.

What did Leon know?

This one isn't going to be so bad, I mean I can still breathe.

Sure keeping the abuse inside is painful, but is this any better?

I lie down on the floor. Why is the room spinning?

Admitting what happened only causes me to freak out.

Was my floor always this close to the ceiling?

It doesn't change the fact that my Dad will beat the shit out of me whenever he feels like it.

Where is Dad? I can't let him see me like this.

It doesn't change the fact that Phoebe is dating Lorenzo.

Why am I so sweaty?

It doesn't change the fact that things will never go back to how they used to be.

Oh God will my heart ever stop beating?

Timberly finds me an hour later, hiding in my closet, wrapped in an old blanket. She doesn't know about the attacks, and thankfully does not question my condition. "Your phone has been ringing for the past thirty minutes." She holds it up. Fifteen missed calls from Nick. I take it from her as it rings again.

"Hello," My throat is dry.

"Gerald buddy, I knew you would pick up eventually. Remember Gerald, never give up. Success depends partly on determination."

"What do you want Nick?"

"Meet me out front in ten minutes. I've got plans for you. And I'm not taking no for an answer."

Something told me he never did.

January 12th

"Where's Vanessa?"

"She's getting an ultrasound today."

"You don't want to be there with her?"

"No, that stuff is boring besides, I know she's having a girl."

I nod my head and sip the beer in my hands. I don't know why he invited me over to his house. Sure it is nice having someone to hang out with again but I hardly know the guy.

"I'm happy for you Nick I really am, but don't you think you're a little young to be having a kid?"

"I get that speech ten times a day Johanssen; I don't need to hear it from you." My eyes widen as I watch him throw his empty beer bottle on the floor. "Yeah I'm seventeen and my girlfriend is having my baby. If you haven't noticed I can provide for my child so I don't see any problems."

An older Hispanic woman walked into the room with a broom and dust pan. She paid no attention to us as she knelt down to clean up Nick's mess. "Hey watch this," He walks over to her and kicks the poor woman down to the ground. "Lucinda what took you so goddamn long? My friend and I could have cut ourselves on this glass!"

"So sorry Mister Nick, please forgive me." I wonder what country she's from.

"I don't know Lucinda, maybe I should tell my Mom and have you and your family deported."

"No! Please! I clean, I clean and I stay."

"What you don't want to go back to that fucking third world country?"

"No sir I stay. Me and family stay. I stay and clean."

"That's right you will," He spit on the front of her shirt. "Now clean this shit up you useless bitch."

"Yes Mister Nick."

Nick laughs as he sits down on the sofa again. "Good help is so hard to find these days."

"So is finding a statement that's not so cliché."

"Fuck you," He grins. I set my beer down. "Have you been talking to Phoebe?"

"I've tried but…"

"But?"

"I don't think I want to anymore. I mean yesterday in class we talked about obsession and I think I'm obsessed with her. I don't want to worsen that."

"You're in love Gerald; you're supposed to feel obsessed with her. I mean I love the hell out of Vanessa. Yeah I'm not with her right this second but I know she's coming straight home to me."

"Yeah but…"

"No buts! I told you that crazy therapist was going to make you doubt your love for her and now you are. You're never going to get her back now."

Am I ready to commit to a life without Phoebe? "I still love her…but I don't want to hurt her. I don't like it when it happens to me so it's not fair for me to subject Phoebe to it."

"I knew you were abused."

"What?"

"You have Daddy issues written all over you. To the untrained eye it's not so obvious, but you and I are alike. I know you want to kill him sometimes. Don't worry I do too. I hate that fucking sperm donor for abandoning me and leaving me in this hell hole. Everything that has ever happened to me is his fucking fault."

"Man…are you sure you don't want to come back to the class? It sounds like you could use the help."

"I don't need any damn help!" He crossed his arms. "Get out of my house man. I invite you over to hang out and you want to give me the third degree. Some friend," Why does that sound familiar.

I stand to leave, not wanting to listen to his madness a second longer. "One question…would you really deport Lucinda and her family?"

"Nah it's just to remind that lazy bitch whose boss…besides, I got her daughter knocked up."

I nod my head and go home.

I don't think I will be hanging out with Nick anymore.


You know Judge Banks, spending time with Nick has put some things in perspective for me. For starters, that fucker is crazy. I think he's the abusive son of bitch that you saw in me. Just a heads up sir, you're going to be seeing him in your court room soon. I don't know how someone can be that unstable and still function.

Anyway today when I got home I saw Dad sitting on the couch and he was going through another bottle of rum. For a while now I've had this fascination with killing him, you know just ending all the pain and suffering. But as I watched him sitting on that sofa I felt nothing but pity. I don't know why I didn't see it before but my Dad is getting old. I mean yeah he can still kick my ass whenever he feels like it, but his job has really taken its toll on him. His hair has taken on a more salt and pepper tone, and there are frown lines where they didn't use to be. I know I drink to help me forget about him and my family, but I only thought that he did it to be an ass. Now…I'm not so sure. Yeah his job is demanding mentally and emotionally but I guess he drinks for the same reasons. It's not fair though. I'm being punished right now but he isn't. I want to ask him about it, you know try to get inside his head like Leon does with me. I'm scared of what he will say. Scared that he's really evil; scared that he has that same rage that I have inside me. If I don't understand it myself how could I possibly expect him to? I mean I only flipped out once, but him? He's been beating the shit out of me for years. That's what makes me want to just bash his face him sometimes. The fact that I could end up like him in a couple of years. Knowing that I put Phoebe through the same shit I've been living with, hiding from everyone. I'm just like that bastard and I hate seeing myself in him. I want to be someone else so badly. I have spent the past seven years trying my hardest to not be his son, wishing every day that he would wake up and see what he has done to me and this family. Now look at me? The love of my life has taken a restraining order out on me, I'm fucking alone and I have to accept the fact that I have become a monster. I am my father's son. Now that's a lot of heavy thinking Judge Banks, and I don't know what I would do if I ever let these feelings loose. Probably break down like a bitch and beg my Dad to love me. And then kill him when he starts beating on me again. I didn't want to put murder on my rap sheet so I left. I'm sitting outside Phoebe's house now. I know you ordered me to stay away from her but I can't help myself Judge. Especially for what I'm about to tell you, I need to be close to her. You know to help make it more real. To help me understand the severity of it all.

It was in March, just like how Phoebe said. You see every year our school throws this crappy carnival style Quiz Bowl Tournament on the fourteenth. Pi Day. Supposed to be fun right? Yeah for nerds. I mean who the hell does something like that in the middle of March Madness.

"So Phoebe are you signing up this year?" Arnold had asked. We still had a week before the tournament.

Phoebe looked over at me but I just poked at my lunch. "Maybe I have to see if the extra studying will fit in my schedule."

"Oh come on, I bet you will win first place, I mean you're like the smartest girl in the school." He put his hand on her shoulder. Phoebe shrugged away, closer to me.

"Well I don't know about being the smartest girl, last year I came in second in the tournament."

"Don't be so meek my flower; you can win the competition this year." Lorenzo said.

"I don't think she will have enough time to study," I put my arm tight around her waist. "We have been spending a lot of time together after school, and we wouldn't want some nonsense like Quiz Bowl getting in the way of that." Blood rushed to Phoebe's cheeks as Lorenzo's eyes narrowed. I'm not that modest and didn't really care if they knew I was fucking Phoebe senseless almost every day after school.

"I was thinking about signing up Gerald," Phoebe said as I cuddled with her in her bed. Her parents didn't come home until six, which was perfect since I had my boxing class at five. No overlap, no risk of getting caught.

"Hmm?"

"The Quiz Bowl…I've done it for the past two years. Helga usually helps me study; maybe I could spend the next few days with her…" She trailed off.

I sat up. "What you don't want to study with me?"

Phoebe bit her lip. "It's not that baby, it's just that every time I ask you to help me study, this happens," She gestures to our naked bodies. "Besides I tutor you in Math so I don't see how much of a help you would be."

"So Pataki is smarter than me now?" I frowned.

"No that's not what I'm saying at all. But Helga is in my AP Calculus class-"

"I can't believe you would rather hang out with that bitch than spend time with me."

"Gerald please-"

"No, what makes her so damn special?"

"She's my best friend!"

"All she does is use you Phoebe! The only reason she keeps you around is because you know her secret."

Phoebe's eyes went wide. "What secret?"

I smirked knowing I had some leverage over her. "Her favorite flavor of ice cream,"

She gasped as it hit her. "No one is supposed to know about that…how did you find out?"

"Whenever he shows up you two start talking about getting ice cream. Besides it doesn't take a genius to see how her face lights up every time he's around."

"Please Gerald, you can't tell anyone. Helga will think I told you and I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"Don't worry I won't tell anyone, not yet anyway. But if you still want to hang out with her be my guest. Just know that I tend to let secrets slip out. Especially when I drink."

"Gerald!"

"Isn't Rhonda throwing a party over Spring Break? There's sure to be lots of alcohol there."

"Fine…I won't talk to Helga anymore. But can I still sign up for the Quiz Bowl?"

"Hell no! That shit is so stupid. If I find out you did that I will so pissed off, you don't even know."

"But Gerald this is important to me?"

"And aren't I important to you too?"

"Yes but-"

"So if you love me you would want to make me happy right?"

"Yes but Gerald-"

"Well I will be happy if you didn't sign up for that stupid tournament. Unless you don't want to make me happy. Because if you don't like making me happy I can break up with you right now."

"No, please no I don't want that. I won't sign up okay? I promise."

"Good, you're not smart enough for it anyway. I mean you don't want to get up there and embarrass yourself. Leave all that stupid stuff to those other geeks." I glanced at my watch. It was almost five. "I have to go baby. Call me around eight okay?" I kissed her head as I got dressed.


I strain my eyes. It is getting too dark to stay out here and continue writing. Guess that's a sign from the universe that I'm not ready to go there yet.

January 14th

Hey man it's Nick. I'm really sorry about the other day. This whole baby thing has gotten me a little on edge. Call me back I want to go shoot some pool with you.

January 17th

So Vanessa finally told me the sex of our baby. She's having a boy. A boy Gerald! I mean yeah I'm going to be a father but that's not what I wanted. I don't know what to do. I'm not prepared for this situation. Can you come over and talk about this with me?

January 21st

That fucking bitch! Vanessa wants to put my son up for adoption! She wants to take my flesh and blood away from me Gerald! She seemed to like you when you two first met, can you please call me back, I need you to talk some goddamn sense into her.

January 25th

Why have you been ignoring me man? I thought we were friends? Vanessa broke up with me. Apparently I'm not stable enough for her. I bet that bitch is cheating on me. I swear if that baby isn't fucking mine I'm going to kill her….Look I need someone right now, someone who gets me. I got beer. You want to drink with me? Just call me and I'll come pick you up…..Please Gerald.

January 31st

Hey Gerald man, you got it in good with Leon right? Vanessa said she would take me back if I can get back into that anger management class. Can you just talk to him for me, please? Come on I was helping you get back with Phoebe, now you got to help me out. Just talk to him for me okay. I need to get back in there so Vanessa won't leave me. I'm begging you.

I delete every single voicemail.