Chapter 12
Acceptance
Last night it had taken a long time for me to fall asleep. Common sense told me that Kenshin hadn't meant to frighten me. That he had only been trying to keep me dry. His actions had been done in kindness, yet I couldn't shake the instinctual fear that had been instilled in me since the day of my parents' death…'No, do not go there' I forced my mind away from those kinds of thoughts.
It had taken years for me to think of them without crying and still no matter what I refused to relive that day even in memory.
Somehow I felt that I had betrayed my family's memory, I had felt safe being cradled against Kenshin; my mind was still undecided. I didn't think Kenshin would ever hurt me intentionally, but he had an immense power that frightened me. For a long time I wrestled with whether or not to acknowledge his actions before I realized in all likelihood nothing I did would be able to hide the truth from him.
Finally I worked up the courage to face the day. It was still raining, a steady down pour that could last all day. Getting up I padded over to the clothing chest. Glancing down I realized that I had fallen asleep at the window without changing into a sleeping yukata. 'Well that's comforting. At least I wasn't in sleeping garments when he picked me up.'
So I slipped out of the wrinkled lavender kimono and pulled on a clean gray green kimono with a jade colored obi. Grabbing a hair tie I slipped out of my bedroom and walked into the washroom. After cleaning my face I grabbed a brush and pulled my unruly hair into a pony tail.
Then I stepped out into the hall which was thankfully empty. Poking my head into the infirmary I saw Megumi was already awake she glanced up as I entered,
"Good morning Megumi" I greeted her
"Hi, Kaoru, do you mind waiting for me?" she asked
"Sure, are you just labeling the packs?" I replied
"Yeah, I don't want to have to search through all of these things to find one packet of ginseng." She said with a smile
"Very true" I agreed as I walked in and settled onto one of the stools by the counter.
Soon she finished and we walked down the halls to the meeting room. Stepping in I saw that everyone but Misao and Aoshi were already present. Nervously I walked over and sat quietly beside Kenshin thanking him with a nod as he slid me a bowl.
Though my mind told me he couldn't possibly have known of my past when he had carried me inside, I couldn't convince myself of that. After a few moments of struggling with my mind I succumbed to the inviting flow of memory. Retreating behind my calm mask I did the unthinkable and began to relive my memories from before…
When Kaoru had entered I quickly looked up to greet her, before I realized something was wrong. Quietly I had passed her bowl to her and she had barely acknowledged my presence. Her distant and cold mask was in place. I studied her face worried; even at our first encounter she hadn't been this withdrawn and unresponsive.
For the life of me I couldn't figure out what had unsettled her. Questioningly I glanced at Megumi who shrugged helplessly. Kaoru seemed to be lost in her thoughts. Even Misao noticed something was off. After a few minutes Yahiko attempted to snap her out of it,
"Umm, Kaoru, are we still practicing after we eat?" startled from her reverie she glanced up,
"Of course Yahiko. If you're done we can begin now." She said
"Okay Kaoru, I'll meet you in the dojo." Getting up he left the room. Kaoru followed with a silent nod to the room.
As the door closed everyone looked expectantly at Megumi, who looking a bit uncomfortable under our scrutiny exclaimed,
"I don't know! Really she was fine earlier but she started getting quiet after we left the infirmary." Sano shrugged his shoulders saying,
"Huh, well that was strange; missy was almost as grim as you are sometimes Battousai." I glanced at him surprised before standing and replying,
"I need to head to the dojo. I told Kaoru-dono that I would watch her training session with Yahiko." they nodded and watched me go. As I walked to the dojo I wondered what had made Kaoru close up.
Though her expression had been calm her eyes had a haunted look that worried me. As I entered the dojo I considered what could have happened. Immediately last night came to mind but I quickly dismissed it she hadn't even stirred as I moved her.
Standing in the dojo I quickly strode to the back of the room and leaned against the wall near the weapons rack. Soon a subdued Yahiko entered. Looking surprised to see me he walked over and picked up a bokken before asking me quietly,
"Hey Kenshin, what's wrong with Kaoru?" looking down at him I replied,
"Honestly, I don't know." his face clouded with worry,
"She seemed happy yesterday" just then Kaoru entered.
She was still subdued but when she glanced up and saw me she tensed minutely. Only another warrior trained would have noticed. Recovering quickly she strode over once again the cool and collected woman she usually was.
Grabbing the bokken she had used earlier she acknowledged my presence with a nod, before going straight into the session with Yahiko. At first she seemed a bit off balance but gradually she relaxed.
She was a good teacher. Patient yet firm and while her mind was focused on Yahiko she seemed to pull away from what ever was burdening her; watching her practice while not actually sparring with her was engaging.
She had a delicate almost elfin physique going through various attack routines with a feline grace; her long black hair swinging out behind her.
Soon she called for a halt. Surprised I realized I had been here for over three hours. I stood quietly while she congratulated Yahiko and sent him off to change. When she turned to face me her face had regained its detached look, but her eyes had lost their haunted cast. Then I spoke,
"Are you alright Kaoru-dono?" I could hear he shape intake of breath from across the room. Then she replied,
"Yes, I'm just fine."
"Are you sure?" I inquired concerned. I noted the slight slump of her shoulders as she exhaled with a quiet sigh.
"No, Kenshin, I'm not alright, but I will work through it on my own if you don't mind." I nodded I understood personal pain when I saw it.
"In that case Kaoru-dono, I am sorry."
"For wha-," she smiled tiredly, "Oh, I get it am I becoming grim?"
"Only marginally grim," I replied, "do you feel up to sparring?" for a moment I thought she would turn me down but then she grinned and said,
"Of course, Kenshin," So grabbing a bokken from the rack beside me I walked toward the center of the room. Bowing we faced each other squarely. This time she made the first move, a straight forward lunge that I easily blocked. Then I moved trying a low cut directed at her knees.
She jumped and easily cleared my bokken. In return at the height of her jump she executed an over head cut which I blocked forcing her back a step. Then I lunged forward, she leaped aside to avoid the main thrust but I still managed to rap her smartly on her arm. In retaliation she made a rush from the side landing a quick hit on my shoulder.
Unlike our first match Kaoru's tactics were more offensive forcing me to take a more defensive stance. Her movements were less smooth but stronger than the last time. After about ten minutes of sparring we were both sweating, so with the finesse of long practice I waited until she moved in for a diagonal uppercut and instead of the traditional block I merely deflected the blow snaking my bokken around hers and with a quick flick of my wrist, neatly disarmed her once again.
Before she could lunge for her weapon I sidestepped quickly getting behind her and pulling her quickly to my chest my bokken resting at her collar bone. Suddenly her body tensed violently, I heard her gasp and a ragged
"No!" escaped her throat before she whirled and lunged away from me her breathing ragged and her body was tensely coiled her arms wrapped about herself.
Worried I had quickly let her go. Staring at her obviously distressed figure I noticed her eyes. They had a glazed panicked look. Keeping my eyes on Kaoru I slowly bent and set my bokken on the floor. Gradually straightening I began to speak soothingly,
"Kaoru, it's alright, your fine. Nothing's wrong, here breath, I won't hurt you." Slowly I moved closer trying to look unthreatening.
Slowly her eyes began to clear; I was about a foot away from her when reason returned. Throwing up her hand she set it against my chest and shook her head firmly,
"No, I'm alright Kenshin. You just startled me, that's all." I looked at her in disbelief, about to retort when I saw the naked fear and pleading in her eyes.
So stepping back to give her some space I said,
"Alright Kaoru, why don't you sit down," Tight lipped she nodded and sat right where she had been standing relief evident in her deep blue eyes. Kneeling down I meant to comfort her when her soft voice met my ears,
"Please, Kenshin could you just stay over there for a bit." I nodded concerned for her and sat facing her about three feet away. She was seated her knees pulled to her chest. She had her arms wrapped about them and her face pressed against her legs. Quietly I waited while she composed herself. After a few moments she raised her head.
"Are you alright, Kaoru?" she nodded
"I'm good now. I suppose you'll want an explanation." She replied
"Not if it makes you uncomfortable." I said. She shook her head saying,
"No, you of all people deserve an explanation."
"If you feel up to it," She took a deep breath,
"I'll try…" I nodded encouragingly and she began to speak
"Kenshin, last night I fell asleep at my window sill." I nodded wondering where this was going…"and when I woke later-" I understood
"Kaoru I apologize I did not intend to frighten you. I assure you I had the most honorable intentions-" she cut me off
"No it's alright. You didn't let me finish. I know you meant no harm. I felt very safe in your arms." She said quietly, blushing slightly before continuing, "It just brought up some bad memories. I guess I've been dwelling on then a bit much…" she trailed off blinking rapidly
"What memories?" she just closed her eyes and shook her head, "It's alright, I'm sorry I shouldn't press you. You don't have to tell me." Then I moved beside her and gently lowered my arm around her shoulders. She tensed her eyes shooting open before she let out a shuddering breath and hugged her knees to her chest more tightly, allowing me to sit quietly beside her one arm wound comfortingly about her slender shoulders.
I don't know how long we sat in the dojo listening to the quiet patter of rain. I had relaxed against his shoulder feeling the peace he seemed to carry with him settle over me. After what seemed like an age I opened my eyes and uncurled from the ball I had become. At my movement Kenshin glanced down and lowered his arm
Standing he reached down and helped me up. Gaining my feet I looked up into his eyes they were a very mellow amber color today though they still held a worried edge
"Thank you," I whispered he smiled kindly saying,
"You'll probably want to change before lunch." I nodded gratefully, "Kaoru, would you mind if I walked you to your rooms." Surprised I glanced up at him a very protective look hovered in his eyes. Pushing aside my grief and pain I said,
"Sure," then realizing something I said" hey Kenshin?"
"Yes, Kaoru,"
"When did you drop the honorific?" A surprised look crossed his face,
"I hadn't realized," he said, "Does it bother you?" I attempted to smile at him
"No, I don't address you with an honorific." He smiled softly at me and we walked down the hallways toward our rooms.
After she entered her rooms I debated whether or not to stay and walk her to the meeting room. I decided she would probably want some time alone to compose herself, so I headed to the meeting room.
Thinking back I was surprised by the surge of protectiveness I had felt for the girl. She had looked so vulnerable. The fact that her past still held such crippling horrors for her worried me.
Again the thought that I ought to push her away occurred to me, 'She shouldn't feel safe in my presence.' But again I understood myself well enough to know that I wouldn't. She was already meant too much to me. Kaoru was so warm and trusting, even to those who didn't deserve her trust.
Again I wondered what could have happened to make her fear being restrained by a man. I felt a sudden and strong surge of hatred toward whatever had hurt her so deeply. Then I shook my head she would tell me eventually and then I would be free to hunt down the bastards.
Once more the strong emotions Kaoru incited in me shocked me. I had never acted in rage. Centuries of life had taught me that planning and careful calculation accomplished what rage and blind passion accomplished during my human years so very long ago.
All I knew was that deep inside Kaoru was hurting and somehow I felt the need to protect her. The strong young woman whose indomitable spirit allowed her to walk head up into uncertainties was hiding some part of her heart away. Yet this was just the side of herself that Kaoru had allowed me to witness.
I was sitting in my darkened bedroom leaning against the foot of my bed. I had made a mistake. One I had not made in a long, long time. I couldn't believe I had slipped up like that. I had managed to avoid thinking of the day of my parent's death for over three years. I thought I had gotten over my fears.
A small ironic part of my brain chose that moment to intrude with, 'apparently not.' There hadn't been an episode this bad for three years how long would it take for old wounds to heal. Kenshin's actions last night had left me seriously unbalanced, weakening my usual ability to block out all forbidden memories. And that was dangerous, I couldn't let myself slip up like that, not again. I would not let my mind liger upon the past. 'I am safe from the past here, I only need to lock it away once again.'
So I pulled my mind firmly back to the present and got dressed in the gray green kimono. Walking into the washroom I undid my ponytail. It was looking a bit ragged. Running a brush through it quickly I pulled it up once again. Then tightening my obi I stepped out into the hall.
Quietly I made my way to the meeting room. My mood was still subdued but better, much better. So when Megumi exited the infirmary I managed a small smile,
"Hi Kaoru, you feeling better?" she asked
"Yeah, thanks Megumi, sorry for going all catatonic on you," she smiled at me,
"Oh, you weren't that bad, promise." I smiled at her grateful for her forgiveness,
"So what are you doing this afternoon?" I asked we were walking toward the meeting room.
"Well, I've finished packing all my medical supplies so I guess I'll do a bit of personal packing. I leave in three days, hey Kaoru do you know who you're going to be going with?" I shook my head saying
"I figure Kenshin will inform me when he figures it out himself." She nodded a grin on her face,
"True, Himura will make his wishes known. Well, I won't be doing anything interesting this afternoon but you're welcome to hang with me anyway." I smiled at her,
"I'll probably do that, if you don't mind."
"No problem," she said as we entered the meeting room. Kenshin, Sano and, Yahiko were already seated.
From the looks of it Yahiko wanted to go with them to Kapta. Finally an exasperated Sano asserted,
"Yahiko we have one more day before we leave let's just wait and see how your training goes." Walking over Megumi took a seat beside Sano and I took my place next to Kenshin.
"Hey Sano, what did you do this morning?" I asked trying to make up for my earlier reticence.
"Well we have all the men who will accompany us to Kapta have been chosen." He said
"That's good," I replied, "did you end up with 15 men like you planned?" This time it was Kenshin, who spoke up,
"We're hovering around 13 including Sano and myself." I nodded
"I see," then Megumi began interrogating Sano,
"You all leave day after tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, why?" he asked disgruntled at her tone
"Well you better figure out logistics and pack if you expect to be ready." Kenshin nodded turning to me as he said,
"Kaoru may I speak to you after lunch?" I nodded wondering why he didn't just ask me now.
"No problem" I replied
Then Aoshi and Misao entered as soon as they were seated Misao exclaimed,
"Hi everyone!" then turning her attention to Yahiko began pestering him with questions, "Sooo, how was your morning?"
"Pretty good" he mumbled before Tsubame entered saving him from having to answer anything else.
She carried steaming bowls of what smelled like a fish stew. I smiled as she greeted us and set down her platter. Then she hurried back in with a pitcher of water and a pot of tea. She waved shyly to Yahiko as she hurried back to the kitchens. Quickly Megumi passed around the stew so I handed around the cups for tea. I pored two cups one for myself and one for Kenshin, before passing the pot to Megumi.
Settling into my place I snagged the water pitcher and pouring myself a cup drank thirstily. Then I turned to my food. Taking a quick sip of tea I tried the stew. 'Mmm… it's good'. Listening intently to the conversations going on around me I finished off my meal.
After the meal, almost everyone had packing to do so they quickly left the room. Turning I faced Kaoru, who was gazing at me expectantly.
"Kaoru, what do you think of Yahiko accompanying the group going to Kapta?" for a moment she looked thoughtful,
"He wouldn't be much help. His training is going well, but he still needs someone to look after him." I nodded this confirmed what I had seen this morning. "Hmm, Sano and I will be right in the center of the fighting. I wouldn't be able to look after him, nor can I thrust him upon one of the men."
"Why is it so important that he goes?" she asked
"He insists on staying close to the fighters and I prefer he stays somewhere I can keep an eye on him." She nodded,
"In that case you need to find someone whose presence he will not resent," she smiled, "He's small but he has a grown man's pride." I looked at her pointedly. "Kenshin, I teach the sword that protects life. I won't take part in a covert military operation." I had expected this so I had an argument ready
"But, who better than his training master to keep an eye on him, and this way he can continue his training." Her blue eyes had hardened, she wasn't listening "Kaoru, I'm not asking you to kill, or become one of my soldiers. I just need someone I can trust looking after Yahiko. If I tell one of the men to look after him, in the heat of the fight they're likely to forget him and leave him to his own devices." Slowly the ice in her blue eyes softened as she listened to my words,
"Only to teach and continue to look out for Yahiko? Nothing more?" she asked
"You have my word." Her azure eyes gazed searchingly into mine.
"In that case I guess your group has fifteen." I nodded approvingly,
"Good, now I assume you will need more appropriate clothing for the road?" she nodded and began to list,
"I'll need one more pair of trousers and another gi; as well as a more sensible pair of shoes. All I have are geta. I need a pair of zori, and an oil cloth cloak." I nodded
"I can get most of that from the quartermaster but I'll need you with me for the clothing. We'll need to see the tailor for that. We can see about all of that this afternoon, if you don't mind."
"Alright," so standing I helped her to her feet and walked out into the hall way. Entering the front hall I could here the gentle patter of rain so stopping at the door I said,
"The quarter master's tent is just inside the wall near the gates, it's raining but we'll be fine." She nodded before grinning up at me saying,
"Don't worry Kenshin, I won't melt, I promise." I smiled slightly before pulling open the door and stepping into the rain. Quickly I walked across the courtyard; I could hear the quiet sound of her footsteps behind me. Keeping my head low we soon neared the tent only slightly damp.
Holding the flap I waited until she was inside before following myself. Glancing around I saw only three men were within the tent; two guards, the quartermaster, Natsu Narazaki and the fortress tailor, Kuri sarranya. As the men stood and bowed Kuri dropped a curtsy; nodding to them I said,
"Good afternoon Mistress Kuri, I was actually looking for you."
"Well, Himura-sama what can I do for you?" Kuri asked as she hurried over.
"This is Kaoru she needs a pair of pants, a gi, a good oilcloth cloak, and a pair of zori." Kuri nodded and walked over to Kaoru
"Hello dear, I am Kuri, I work here as a seamstress." She introduced herself, "Hmm, I think I have every thing you'll need up in my work room except the cloak, and zori." She said gesturing toward Narazaki who walked over and nodding to the women listened intently as Kuri rattled off what she needed.
"Okay Kaoru-dono let me see what I can do." quickly he walked back to his supplies and returned carrying a tan cloak and a pair of zori. "Will these work Kaoru-dono? They are the smallest pair I have."
"They look fine" she replied taking one and while carefully balancing on one foot slipped the zori on. Gently I gripped her arm to help her keep her footing. Nodding to me with a smile she removed the shoe and replacing her geta stood.
"They fit very well thank you" nodding Narazaki held out the cloak.
"Here try this on to see if we need to adjust the length." Taking it Kaoru threw the cloak about her shoulders and attached the clasp. The cloak completely covered her slim frame; over a foot of excess cloth pooling about her feet. Grinning Kaoru looked down
"Hmm, maybe it's a bit too long." Pulling a packet of pins from her obi, Kuri moved closer saying,
"Let me help" bending down she began to pin up the hem. When she finished Kaoru took off the cloak and surrendered it to Kuri's waiting grasp. "I'll finish this up in my workroom." motioning to the both of us she walked out into the rain.
I turned and taking the zori from Narazaki held aside the tent flap for Kaoru to walk ahead of me. Soon we reentered the fortress and followed Kuri upstairs to her workroom. Kuri had already laid the cloak on her work table and was rummaging about her cabinets to pull out a knotted string, a pincushion, and some paper.
"Okay dear, let's get your measurements." Kuri said grabbing Kaoru's arm she gently lead her behind a screen set up in a corner. After a few moments Kuri hurried out to write down her measurements, "Well my dear, aren't you petite, hmm I think I have something that will fit that waist of yours" she chattered happily as Kaoru emerged from behind the screen. I watched as Kuri flipped through a few neatly folded piles of clothing before she came back carrying two white gi's and a pair of dark gray wide leg trousers.
"Here you go dear these should fit you."
"Thank you, Kuri" Kaoru said smiling at her
"Not a problem, now it will take me just a moment to fix the hem on that cloak. If you don't mind I can do that now." With that Kuri sat down and set to work. Within five minutes she stood and handed Kaoru the bundle of clothing.
"There, now if there's anything else you need, dear don't hesitate to ask." And with that parting sentiment both Kaoru and I thanked her and left.
As we walked toward her rooms I spoke,
"We leave the day after tomorrow soon after dawn. Can you ride?" glancing over at me Kaoru shrugged saying,
"Honestly, I wouldn't know I've only ridden two or three times, and that was with someone else."
"Hmm, well that's a problem. I guess that's going to be your afternoon activity for the next two days." She looked at me skeptically,
"I'm going to learn how to ride in two days?" I nodded
"Yes, well more or less. I'm going to teach you how to stay on a horse in two days."
"Now?" she asked
"Yes," I replied, "it's only drizzling, so go change into your gi and pants and we'll go to the stables." She nodded then snagging her zori from me entered her rooms. I leaned back against the wall.
After lunch her demeanor had changed decidedly for the better. Once again Kaoru was the cool and collected young woman whose fiery spunk was so intriguing. I was glad she had snapped out of her stupor.
Soon her door opened and she exited her room wearing her navy blue pants and a white gi. Smiling I stood and walked down the hall outside.
Soon we came to the stables. Nodding to a few grooms I breathed deeply the smell of fresh hay and horse. Then glancing back to make sure Kaoru was still following walked down the aisle toward the tack room. Walking in I instructed Kaoru to grab a handful of grain as I picked up a saddle blanket and a simple leather bridle.
Then I beckoned to her and she followed me to a stall near the back of the stables. As we neared the stall door a lovely little buckskin mare poked her head over the top of the stall and nickered softly.
Setting the tack over the stall I gently placed my hands on her head and brushed the horse's thick black forelock out of her eyes.
"Kaoru, this is Thirrin, and she's going to be your horse. So I want you to go into her stall and get to know her." Kaoru nodded and entered the stall. I watched as she spoke softly to Thirrin feeding her the grain and stroking her flanks. Soon Kaoru was laughing softly as Thirrin eagerly nuzzled her pockets searching for more grain.
Kaoru was speaking quietly and softly to Thirrin, getting the animal accustomed to her voice. For all Kaoru's lack of actual ridding experience she knew how to work around an animal. After the two had warmed to each other I handed Kaoru the bridle. "Do you know how to put her bridle on?" taking it from my hands she shook her head,
"Not really will you show me?" I nodded and entered the stall.
Taking the bridle I pointed out the various parts of the simple leather bridle. Then taking the bit in my hand I gently fed it into Thirrin's mouth and pulled the bridle straps up over her head. Slipping her ears through the leather straps I loosely did up the buckles beneath her head and chin.
"Do you think you can do that?" I asked looking at Kaoru.
"I think so." She replied.
"Alright then remove the bridle and put it on yourself." I said stepping back to give her access to the bridle.
Moving forward she stood beside Thirrin's head and undid the buckles gently sliding the leathers over her ears to remove the bridle. Then she tried to orient the bridle in her hands like I had. From my position behind her I reached around her back and carefully helped to straighten the leathers in her hands. Surprised she had shied from my hands but quickly recovered thanking me quietly.
Then stepping back I watched over her shoulder as she gently fed the bit into Thirrin's mouth before lifting the leathers over her ears and doing up the buckles. Glancing over her shoulder at me she asked,
"How tightly should I clinch the buckles?"
"Snug, but still loose enough to slip two fingers under the strap." She nodded and checking her work, tightened one of the buckles.
"Good," I said as I opened the stall door and held it open, "I want you to lead her out. Grip the reins about a foot down from the bit and walk at her shoulder. "Taking the reins she led Thirrin out into the aisle and stopped. Closing the stall door I grabbed the saddle blanket.
"Okay lead her outside, I'll get the barn door behind you." Kaoru nodded and walked down the aisle. Opening the stable doors she led Thirrin through. Following I closed the door behind us. Then I gestured toward the fenced rectangle along the far wall of the stables.
"Lead her in there, I'll get the gate."
"Okay" Kaoru said as she led Thirrin into the enclosure. Entering I closed the gate behind myself. Walking over to the pair I threw the saddle blanket over Thirrin's withers
"Now, while it's only misting I want you to mount. Do you need a leg up?"
"I think I got it." She grinned at me as she passed me the reins. Then reaching up she took two fistfuls of Thirrin's mane and with surprising finesse swung herself up onto the horse. Thirrin danced a bit at the sudden change. Quieting the horse I looked up at Kaoru,
"Very good, now I can lead her for a while if you want to work on balance, but somehow I think you'll be fine. With that part at least." She smirked down at me,
"Well my balance should be fine. You think I went through all that kenjutsu training for nothing?" I grinned up at her through the swirling mist.
Suddenly she swung her damp hair over her shoulder causing her potent scent to hit me once more. I stopped breathing. Not good, the rain seemed to magnify her scent. Recovering quickly I handed her the reins and backed away, just to be safe.
"Okay to ask her for a walk forward click your tongue and tap her sides gently with your heels. To stop pull back on the reins and shift your weight back. Ask her to turn by shifting your weight in that direction and tugging gently on the left or right rein depending." Kaoru nodded,
"Okay got it, shift weight, reins, and click my tongue." I nodded,
"Just ask her for a walk and see if you can turn her in a circle."
Tentatively Kaoru tapped Thirrin with her heels and clicked her tongue. Thirrin flicked an ear in her direction and began to amble forward. Kaoru tapped her heels into her a bit more firmly and Thirrin snorted softly before increasing her pace to a quick walk.
"Good, try to turn her." I instructed from my position along the fence. Gently Kaoru tugged on the right rein. Thirrin acknowledged her efforts with a nonchalant ear flick before continuing straight. Choking up on the reins Kaoru pulled firmly on the right rein and was rewarded as Thirrin turned obligingly.
"Don't choke up quite so much on the rein. There should be a straight line from your elbow to the bit if you sit straight." I called as Kaoru sat a bit straighter and gave Thirrin some rein.
"Good, bring her back this way and see if she'll stop." She seemed to get her turned easily enough but it took several tries to get Thirrin to come to a halt.
"That's fine, next time shift your seat back as you give the command."
"Alright" Kaoru responded
"Now walk the circuit a few times and we'll see about a trot."
Kaoru was doing very well, her balance and posture was good and even though Thirrin was being stubborn she was handling it well. After they had made about four circuits, I felt comfortable moving them to a trot. Thirrin was being a bit more responsive now that she had warmed up and Kaoru was getting confidant on horseback.
Stopping them after their fifth round I said,
"Now Kaoru, to ask her for a trot get her going at a walk and then click your tongue and squeeze with your calves and heels. Keep a firm grip on her with your knees okay?" She nodded.
Soon she had Thirrin at a walk and asked Thirrin to trot. And for once she obeyed without any extra prompting. Kaoru quickly clutched her mane to stay on with the sudden change in gait.
"Loosen up, relax if you tense up you'll end up bouncing, move with her, and don't cling." Slowly Kaoru straightened up and attempted to sit the trot. Once again her warriors training asserted itself and she quickly regained her balance adjusting to the new rhythm of movement and releasing her grip on Thirrin's mane.
"Good, try to circle around" after they had managed around six circuits without incident I called out,
"Ask her to stop" obligingly Thirrin obeyed… a bit too well. She came to a dead stop pitching Kaoru forward onto her neck. Quickly Kaoru straightened and reseated herself a blush darkening her face.
"That's okay you got it. She's just disgruntled having to work in the rain." By now the mist had thickened into steady drizzle. "I think that's good for today walk her over here and you can dismount." Guiding Thirrin over toward me she handed me the reins before dismounting. Sliding off Thirrin's back she stumbled a bit in a patch of mud. "Careful!" I said as I grabbed for her so she wouldn't fall. I just managed to snag her around the waist with one arm. Pulling her to my side I steadied her while she got her feet under her. Softly she blushed, "Sorry, my legs are a bit unsteady from riding." I grinned
"That's alright. Just be glad we didn't spook Thirrin with that little move. Then we'd both be in the mud." She smiled at me,
"Thanks"
"You're welcome; now let's get Thirrin out of the rain." She nodded and removing the saddle blanket took the reins from me. Moving ahead of them I opened up the gate and stable door securing them as we passed. Taking the saddle blanket I said
"Just put her in the stall" she nodded and led Thirrin to her stall.
While she did that I walked into the tack room and put the saddle blanket up to dry. Then grabbing a dry rag I walked to the stall where a damp looking Kaoru was removing Thirrin's bridle,
"Good just drape that over the stall and rub her down with this." I instructed as I passed her the rag, "In wet weather or after your horse has had a good work out you must rub them down. Just use a gentle circular motion to dry her. If you're in a pinch you can use dry hay instead."
"That make's sense," she said as she rubbed Thirrin's neck, "they're just like your weapons. No matter how wet and tired you are you sit down and clean your blade."
"Yes," I agreed, "that's it exactly." After she finished drying Thirrin I said,
"Here, let's put up her tack and I'll show you how to feed her." Grabbing the bridle from its place on the top of the stall Kaoru picked up the rag and closing the stall door behind her followed me into the tack room. Putting up the tack I waited as Kaoru dropped the rag into the bin of rags along the wall. Then grabbing a small bucket I passed it to her telling her to fill it from the water barrel in the stables. Soon she returned with the bucket.
"Set that down there I want to show you how much grain Thirrin needs. She gets grain once in the morning and again in the evening. About two scoops." Opening the grain bin I grabbed another bucket and put in two scoops of grain. Then handing her the grain bucket I picked up the water and we walked back to Thirrin's stall. Setting them down with her I said,
"We're done here, Kaoru. You did very well."
"Thanks Kenshin." And leaving the stables we walked back toward the fortress. As we neared the quartermasters I stepped in Kaoru followed me. Narazaki bowed and asked,
"Is there any thing else you needed milord?" I nodded,
"I need a set of saddle bags." He nodded and after a little searching came forward with the requested item.
"Here you are."
"Thank you, Narazaki" I replied before both Kaoru and I hurried through the rain toward the fortress; standing just inside the overhand from the roof Kaoru turned and rung out her hair.
"Hmm, well I'd say that's about a pound lighter." I smiled and held the door open for her to enter. Incredulous she looked at me, "You're seriously going to track all that water inside?" I grinned
"Well my hands are kind of full" she snorted
"Men so helpless, here turn around"
"If you insist" I said and with an exaggerated long suffering sigh I turned. Soon I felt her small hands wringing out my long red hair.
"Sheesh, Kenshin yours was even wetter then mine was." Turning I smiled at her and gesturing toward the door said,
"If I am presentable now can we get out of the rain?" she smirked at me and nodded
As we walked toward our rooms I spoke,
"Now what ever you pack has to fit inside one of these saddle bags. The other is for provisions and your water." She nodded
"That's fine, what about bedrolls, tents, and the like?"
"We travel with one pack horse to carry bedrolls, tents, the horses' grain, etc. Anything more slows us down." She nodded,
"I can travel light, Kenshin; can I bring the bokken I've been practicing with in the dojo?" Warily I glanced at her,
"I was going to ask you about that. Kaoru, how do you feel about using a katana? I know you can use one. The bokken you use for sparring is weighted. It's only slightly lighter than a true katana." She stopped and turned to face me her blue eyes snapping with suppressed fire. Finally she spoke,
"Kenshin I can protect myself perfectly well with a simple bokken." Her voice was dead calm which contradicted sharply with her eyes. I stared her down.
"You will be in enemy territory. Surely you see the need for an actual weapon?" For a moment her steely gaze wavered. I pressed my advantage,
"Even your father must have had a sword. Peace loving doesn't have to mean stupid. What is wrong with using a katana if the need arises?" I gazed piercingly into her blue eyes. Finally she looked down and said,
"I'll think about it. Why don't you bring one to the dojo tomorrow and we'll see if I can even use one." I nodded satisfied that she would at least think it over. Handing her the saddle bags I said,
"That is all I ask, get into dry clothes and we'll break the good news to Yahiko." She nodded stiffly. And entered her rooms just as the door was closing I remembered what I meant to mention.
"Oh Kaoru?" poking her head out of her rooms she said,
"Yes Kenshin?" she was going to bite my head of anyway might as well get it out of the way quickly.
"I'll need you and Yahiko to share a tent." For a moment she just looked at me, "Just to keep you both separate form the men." I stated trying to reassure her. She nodded curtly and shut the door in my face.
For a moment I stared at the door. Then I sighed, I suppose I deserved that. But it was only for her safety. First of all she needed a weapon and second of all though he was young Yahiko would be able to look out for her. Not that I didn't trust my men, but until Kaoru was claimed it was a danger. Of course the obvious solution presented itself, 'I could let it be known she was mine.' A small insidious voice said. I banished the thought immediately. I had no right to force that upon her. And from the way she had reacted this morning I didn't think she would even remotely consider letting me come close enough to see to her protection, much less keep up any such pretense for the men.
Didn't she understand? That was the only way for any of the women to stay with my army. Though Megumi didn't act like it she and Sano were together. Misao was under Aoshi's care and protection. And no one in their right minds would bother the women of my staff as they had their lord's protection. As of yet she belonged to neither category.
I shook my head; this was going to be difficult. As I walked into my room to change I wondered. Why I was going to such lengths over a single girl? Yes she was very lovely, but many women were physically attractive. I admired her spirit. I also felt very protective of her. After seeing how she reacted to being grabbed, the thought of another man frightening her like that filled me with a slow burning rage.
And for all I needed someone to look after Yahiko I also didn't want to leave her behind. Oh I could lie to myself and say it was all for her wellbeing, but honestly I wanted to keep this beautiful and fiery woman near me.
I was standing in my washroom taking out my frustrations on my hair. What was wrong with that infuriating man! I was fully aware of the limitations of a bokken. How dare he imply I was being naïve? In my hands a bokken is all that is necessary. What had possessed him to bring my past into this! He knew nothing of my father! Still seething, I savagely dragged a brush through my wet snarled locks. Eventually I managed to get my hair into a fairly decent pony tail.
And that tent grrr… I wasn't stupid. I could understand why but sheesh! Did he think me completely incapable of protecting myself? After a few moments a small voice in the back of my head said, 'It's only because he cares.' I stopped dead. I was in the middle of changing. Where hadthatcome from? Totally dismissing the errant thought I pulled on the gray green kimono. Grabbing the damp clothing I hung it up in my washroom.
For some reason that thought kept bothering me. For a moment I sat down to ponder it. Why on earth had that thought come to mind in the first place? Carefully I though through his actions; if nothing else he was always gentle around me careful not to hurt or frighten me after this morning. All afternoon he had been more than kind helping me with the horses, and catching me when I nearly wiped out dismounting. Internally I cringed ' that had been a both embarrassing and deeply uncomfortable position' I was doubly grateful that he had not questioned me about my strange behavior this morning. And oddly I had welcomed the comfort of his embrace.
Now that I had calmed down enough to think objectively I understood that perhaps he honestly did care… I rolled that thought around in my mind. As I considered this I wondered why it was that I was beginning to warm to him. I shook my head. Those kinds of thoughts were dangerous.
I discovered that for perhaps the first time I had found someone who I felt a connection to. Someone I could trust. I had been honestly shocked when my body hadn't reacted with its usual panic and bolt when he had placed his arm around me so soon after I had panicked. I had felt so safe curled gently against his side. The gentle warmth emitted from his body was so calming. I hadn't been that close to another human other than Tae in years. I got up from my seat wondering vaguely what was wrong with me, before exiting the room and walking to dinner.
When Kaoru entered the meeting room everyone was already seated. She looked pensive and stayed fairly quiet. I thought that perhaps she had forgiven me for earlier. Sitting beside me she had eaten quickly and quietly. I wasn't worried her silence was no longer brooding only thoughtful. So leaving her to her thoughts I had told Yahiko he could accompany us to Kapta. He had been overjoyed. I had smiled at his enthusiasm, and told him I needed to speak to him after dinner. Kaoru had been the first to turn in. right after she finished eating she had excused herself. About half an hour or so later Megumi and Misao had bid us good night followed eventually by Sano and Aoshi. Yahiko looked at me intently.
"Now Yahiko I want you to know now that Kaoru will be accompanying us. She will look out for you." I stated he was looking a bit dejected and I continued, "This way she can continue your training. In return you need to look out for her as well. You two will be sharing a tent on the road and I need you to keep her safe." I said sternly. Yahiko nodded solemnly.
After a brief reminder about packing and such it occurred to me that I didn't know if Kaoru ever fought with a dagger or kodachi. So as he left I said,
"Yahiko?" stopping her turned,
"Yes?"
"Do you mind going by Kaoru's room to see if she's still awake? If she is just run by and tell me on your way to your room." He nodded and trotted of diligently. I hoped she would be more receptive to the idea now that it had had time to sink in…just then Yahiko came in. he looked somewhere between confused and frightened.
"Kenshin, something's wrong." He said. Standing I walked over,
"What's wrong? Tell me Yahiko." I snapped worried
"Well, I went to her door and knocked quietly, and I thought I heard her say something so I opened the door, but none of her candles were lit. I thought it was my imagination or something but I heard it again. She actually spoke. I heard her. So I went into her bedroom and she was just lying there fast asleep but there were tears all over her face." By now he looked quite frightened. Masking my own worry I quickly reassured him,
"I'll go check on her. Don't worry you head to bed." He nodded and left as I walked down the hall to her room.
For a moment I hesitated outside her rooms before entering. Her quarters were dark, but that was no problem for me. Entering her bedroom I saw her and understood what had unnerved Yahiko. She was lying on her bed. Her face perfectly smooth she had tears trickling down her cheeks. Walking closer I wondered if I should wake her when a look of pure terror flashed across her face. Reaching down I lit the small candle at he bedside. Gently I reached out and touched her shoulder softly saying,
"Wake up Kaoru, It's just a dream." Almost as soon as I touched her she tensed her eyes snapped open. The tears continued to run silently down her face. Startled by my proximity she shivered under my touch. Quickly I removed my hand and she scooted out of my reach clutching the bed clothes to her chest.
Her blue eyes were wide with fear and her black hair tumbled about her shoulders. She looked like a frightened child. I was worried, she had yet to speak, and though her eyes were locked on me they had a glassy look and her facial expression was peaceful.
"Kaoru, it's alright, don't be afraid, you're safe." I spoke softly hoping she would return to herself. Slowly I reached toward her but the moment I touched her, a shudder of fear racked her tightly tensed body. I removed my hand.
Suddenly her gaze sharpened and confusion appeared on her face,
"Kenshin, what are you doing here?" she asked her voice cracking. The confusion was quickly being replaced with anger,
"I sent Yahiko to see if you were still awake and he came back frightened. He asked me to check on you." I replied worried
"Whatever for? I was asleep. Nothing's wrong." She said slowly I reached toward her face. She eyed my hand warily but didn't pull away; tensing slightly when I touched her face. Gently I wiped the tears still trickling from her eyes. Slowly I retracted my hand letting her see the crystalline droplets on my fingers quietly I said,
"Nothing's wrong?" surprised she gazed at my hand for a moment before raising a hand to her cheek and feeling the tears dripping down her face. Looking at the translucent drops clinging to her slender fingers I heard her quietly say,
"I haven't had that dream in over four years." I gazed at her concerned. Her voice had taken on a detached tone and though her face remained calm tears made silvery paths down her cheeks. Reaching out once again I tenderly wiped them away and instead of removing my hand left it softly stroking her face with my thumb.
"Would you like to talk about it?" I asked softly wiping another tear as I worked its way down her face. Hesitantly she moved her hand up to cover mine. I continued to gently cradle her face as she leaned into my touch. Quietly she began to speak,
"My mother was a beautiful woman." A soft smile crossed her face, "father always boasted she was the prettiest woman in the country." Her expression darkened slightly,
"Our lord certainly though so," as she spoke her voice got quieter until she was barely whispering the words. "It was spring time mother was sweeping off the porch and my little sister was playing in the front. I was in the front room looking out the window into the front yard when a group of men rode by. They must have been slightly drunk. Laughing and jeering they said terrible things to mother, she was worried and called my sister to her side. My father must have heard the commotion. He came out of the dojo with his sword at his side."
As she spoke the tears fell faster and her grip on my hand tightened. "I was too scared to move. They said they were taking her for their lord." She shuddered, "my father would never have let them take her. The moment they dismounted he attacked. There must have been ten men. He cut down four before they killed him. My mother was begging them to take her and leave my sister alone. But they were so angry. At my father for killing some of them they grabbed my sister and killed her; right in front of mother. Then they tried to grab mother, but she didn't go quietly. She fought back. Finally one of the men grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. After a moment mother stopped moving."
The tears slid unheeded down her face. "They probably would have looted the house except when someone realized they had killed her they panicked. I guess that the point of it had been to take her alive. They left then." I was shocked. She had witness the murder of her entire family. Violent tremors began to rack her thin frame. Sitting down on her bed I gently pulled her trembling body toward my side.
Wrapping the blankets firmly around her I pulled her gently against my chest. Enfolding her in my arms I quietly waited for the tremors to subside. Slowly they ceased and her tightly clenched body slumped against me exhausted.
Carefully I removed my arms and began to shift away from her. I didn't think she would appreciate my presence my presence much longer. I was surprised when I felt her small hand clutch my gi. Looking down at her I heard her whisper,
"Please don't leave me alone." Her face was turned away from me hidden by the thick curtain of her hair. Gently I reached down and lifted her chin so I could see her eyes. Her soft blue eyes were filled with pleading, "Please I'll dream of them again." She whispered
"It's alright, I won't leave you." I replied in what I hoped was a soothing tone. Hesitantly I lowered my arms about her slender form. She settled gently into my embrace. She was exhausted. Soon her breathing deepened and slowed.
Gazing down on her sleeping face I tenderly wiped the remnants of tears from her cheeks. Her tears troubled me. She didn't sob or wail or go into hysterics like other women did when they cried. In fact if tears hadn't been rolling down her face I wouldn't of known she was distressed. Somehow her silent tears seemed more poignant. Like her soul was weeping. If Kaoru had sobbed and screamed I would have known how to deal with her, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to leave the silent girl cradled in my arms.
Silently I listened to her steady breathing. I had extinguished the candle's feeble light long ago, being able to see more clearly without the flickering shadows it cast. Eventually I became accustomed to the cloying fragrance of her blood and it gave way to the cleansing scent of jasmine. She had fallen asleep her head resting on my chest; her blue black hair cascading about her sleeping figure, like silken tendrils of night.
It had been a long time since a woman had fallen asleep in my arms. Gazing at her sleeping face, I was glad that my presence could keep Kaoru's personal horrors at bay, at least for tonight. I treasured the fragile trust she had extended toward me, drifting to sleep in my arms.
I lay with her for a long time. It may have been hours or minutes that passed in that quiet room. Eventually I uncurled her body from its loose curl. Laying her in a more comfortable position I slowly slid out from under her still form and stood. Turning silently I gazed down on her silent figure. Hesitantly I gently stroked her face, running my hand softly over her porcelain skin. She was so beautiful. When she stirred I pulled myself from my reverie and quietly left the room hoping that tonight Kaoru's still bleeding heart had begun to mend.
Wow... long chapter. So much typing...
Hmm that took forever to get write. Please drop a review ^_^ if only so I can tell your still reading the fic
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin... yet...
