*** Ah, screw it...I was going to post this tomorrow, but it's done and its up, so you are getting it a day early. From now on, expect posts on Sunday though, read updating details in note at the end. 3 GT
Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do own a semi-toddler that decided to start the terrible twos early…..don't own Atonement either, but I do blame the library scene for parts of this chapter...
A HUGE thanks to my lovely pre-readers. Beegurl13 for being a constant cheerleader and holding my hand when I am feeling flaily. She is always excited to find out what is going to happen next. Nerac/Carenl for attempting to cure my apparent fixation with the word 'that'. Some people have commas, I have the overuse of the word 'that'.
Ok, I know several of you have expressed irritation with Bella over her behavior. That's perfectly understandable, she's my incarnation of the character, and she even drives me nuts sometimes. Some of you don't understand her jealously/anger towards the possibility of Emmett and Rosalie. All I can say is she is experiencing what is called transference, which is a common symptom of people who are guilty of infidelity. She is projecting what she feels on Emmett, because she would not want to be in his shoes. I can't say she's right in her feelings, because she has done a lot of things I personally disagree with, but that's just how it is. Call it a character flaw, but it's ingrained, so it's not going to just magically disappear.
Story still earns its M rating in this chapter, so keep a change of panties handy near the end... ;)
Chapter 11: Banging in the New Year
The only problem with tabling the really important conversations until a better time is that sometimes it never arises. Christmas came and went, it was tense, but Emmett was nice. If anything he was too nice to me. Edward was quiet, but he was still very much capable of turning me into a puddle from across a room with a single look.
We didn't speak any more before Emmett and I left, but I could tell we needed to talk about things before one of us exploded from the frustration, sexual or otherwise. There just wasn't time with everything going on right now.
Emmett would supposedly be home until after the New Year, so it would be nearly impossible for me to sneak away to see him. It was probably for the best, because I knew that it was only a matter of time before one of us slipped and we fell back into our old ways.
*** BD ***
Alice was more than up for the challenge of dress shopping when she called me to find out what she needed to wear for the Cullen's New Year's party. We had agreed to meet on Michigan Avenue, despite the snow covered ground, to look in some of the dress shops there. She and Jasper had flown in two days after Christmas to get ready for their last semester.
I could remember that feeling, the knowledge that you were so close to achieving a goal, but you weren't quite there yet. Now I could relate in an entirely different way. I was so close to getting out of my dead marriage, but there were so many things still left to do.
By the third failed attempt to talk to Emmett about our conversation on Christmas, and what he refused to let me say to him, I was determined to get my life into order before I dropped the divorce into his lap.
I had contacted a realtor to help me look for apartments. There were so many terrible rentals around the city. I needed a professional to help find the places in my price range that weren't shit holes. Of course, that would involve me actually getting the permanent position at the high school. I had an interview a few days after the New Year, but it wouldn't be a guarantee that they would give me the position.
"Bella," Alice squealed as she waved frantically from across the intersection she instructed me to meet her at. I was early, and freezing my ass off. Chicago winters could be brutal.
"Finally," I breathed as she linked her arm with mine and started dragging me toward a storefront whose windows were adorned with white icicles. It was strange to see all of the Christmas decorations gone, but it was still very much winter here.
"I'm so excited about this party, Bella," she said practically vibrating with excitement. "I mean, I know it'll be half filled with boring old people, but I've never gone to a New Year's party that required formal attire. Jasper's going to look so hot in his tux. I'm sure you're excited to see your man in a tux too."
I sighed loudly at her comment. I knew she was trying to be vague, but she was talking about Edward like he was mine. I wasn't delusional, I knew that we had strong feelings for each other and technically he would be mine if I wanted, but I couldn't be his. Until my marriage was legally over, being with Edward was wrong. Even afterward it would still be wrong, but at least it wouldn't be illegal anymore.
Luckily, the salesladies seemed to be keeping occupied with the last minute New Year's shopping, and they stayed away from the pair of us. I'd never been so thankful to look like I was much younger than I really was. I hated shopping to begin with; add in a salesperson looking for a nice commission and I wanted to jump from the nearest tall building.
"So how was your Christmas at the in-laws?" I knew that Alice was fishing for information but I was too emotionally exhausted to fight her on it.
"Oh, it was fine; nothing too exciting. Well, unless you consider the fact that I almost told Em I was filing for a divorce. You know; nothing big."
The look on her face would have been comical if I found this situation funny, it was anything but. There were times that I wished I could just walk away from everything and everyone, start over somewhere new where none of this was hanging over my head.
"Seriously?" she whispered as she pushed me into a large fitting room, hanging up the selection of dresses that she'd accumulated while we'd been wandering around the store.
"He shut me down before I could get it out, and he's been avoiding me ever since. This whole situation just sucks."
"Does Edward know?"
I nodded my head as I turned away from her and began taking off my clothes to try on the first dress she held out to me. I knew she wasn't going to leave now that I had dropped this bomb on her, so I might as well multitask and at least find a dress at the same time.
"What does he think about it?"
It seemed like a simple enough question, but I wasn't quite sure. He seemed happy when I told him, but was it giving him false hope when I wasn't even sure if we could be together once the dust settled from me blowing up my life?
"I'm not really sure. I haven't talked to him much since I told him. I don't even know how any of this is going to work afterward. It's going to be a while, maybe years, before this is all resolved, so it's not like we can start planning our future or anything. It'd be stupid of him to wait for me."
She pursed her lips and nodded at my statement. I knew she was an eternal optimist and hopeless romantic, so she was probably envisioning Edward and me riding off into the sunset. I wished I could see that myself, but when I looked at my future, I honestly didn't see anything.
Alice really didn't question me anymore after that. I think she knew I wanted to be left alone. We spent another hour or so trying on various gowns and even made one of the snooty salesladies' quotas for the day when we both purchased dresses well over the three hundred dollar mark. I felt ridiculous spending that much money on a dress I knew for a fact I would only wear once, but at this point I didn't care.
We both agreed to see each other the morning of the party to get our hair and nails done. I wasn't exactly excited about going to the salon, but I needed to keep going through the motions for the time being.
*** BD ***
Emmett kept up his promises about being home and was there every day up until New Year's Eve. He acted completely normal, well as normal as Emmett gets, and he still wouldn't talk to me.
Every time I tried to bring back up our conversation from Christmas, he mysteriously needed to do something. His work Blackberry would beep or he needed to go to the store to get something, mostly beer. After trying about a dozen times to get his attention away from some piece of technology or another, I gave up. I had other things I still needed to take care of.
I spent most of my time running a fine tooth comb over all of the writing pieces, lesson plans and multi-discipline projects that I had compiled for my portfolio. I spent hours combing through boxes of old projects looking for burned CDs that held all of my old work. I had never gotten around to putting them all on a hard drive, but I made sure when I was still in school that I had everything backed up onto discs.
It was kind of a nostalgic experience to filter through all of the work I had done in school, especially knowing that I hadn't really done anything with my degree. I was so idealistic about teaching while I was in school, and then I just let my marriage push all of that aside.
It was disheartening that I worked so hard, for so many years, and now I really didn't have anything to show for it except for the piece of paper that they gave me in the form of a degree. I didn't have any of the experience someone at my age should have. I should have been a veteran teacher at this point in my career, but I wasn't. My employment history for the past six years was a big blank spot on my resume and I didn't have a legitimate reason why.
At least if I had the excuse of taking a different career path or having a child I might feel less like a failure. I let myself become the kind of woman I never wanted to be.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with being only a housewife, if that was your decision, but it was never mine.
I let myself be told what to do and I let it go on way too long. One or two years lost I could explain, but six. I'd be lucky if they gave me this job. They had to give me this job or I was screwed. All of my plans would fall apart if I didn't have some way to support myself.
The divorce could still be possible, but I would be left with nothing. I came into our marriage with next to nothing, and I would probably be leaving it with that as well. I needed a way to support myself, and with my blank work history, I'd be lucky to get a job in retail.
With that resolve, I pushed myself to make sure that my portfolio and resume were perfect. I wouldn't be giving the panel any reasons not to consider me for this position.
*** BD ***
The morning of the party, I awoke with butterflies in my stomach. I wasn't exactly sure what was causing them, the idea of my interview being only a few days away, or…..oh, who was I kidding. I was going to be in the same house as Edward the entire night.
I had seen him in a tux before, at my wedding, just about every New Year's since then, and even last year when he performed in a concert at DePaul. I didn't know why seeing him tonight would be different, but this was the first time I would see him in a tux actually knowing what was underneath it.
The lack of physical contact over the last few months was getting to me. I couldn't deny it. I wanted to be touched. I was craving it. The only problem was, I would only be satisfied by one person doing the touching, and he wasn't an option.
I knew that if I arranged it, he probably wouldn't deny me, but there were still too many risks.
Alice could tell I was wound up when I got to the salon, but she seemed to be trying to respect my privacy; or so I thought.
As we sat side by side in the massage chairs getting our pedicures, she decided to attack. Maybe she knew that I wouldn't try to escape while the tiny Asian woman was using a file on my feet.
"So have you really been that estranged from Emmett?" she whispered as she tried to discreetly lean over closer to my chair.
"What?"
"Are you and Em, you know…" insert crude hand movement that I would never have expected to be demonstrated by Alice.
"God, Alice, no. Stop. I am not talking to you about this."
"So the last time you got fucked was against a bathroom door?" she giggled as I covered my face with my hands.
"Shut up," I whined as she laughed at me.
"Oh come on, I know you've been trying to stay away from you know who. Are you really saying that the last time that you had sex," oh that word she whispers (cue eye roll) "was in October, well it could have technically been November, but you know what I mean."
"I'm not dignifying that with an answer."
"So that means yes. Wow, I mean I heard married people never had sex, but I didn't think Em had it in him to go two whole months without. Damn."
"It's not like he hasn't tried," I scoffed under my breath.
"So you've been holding out. And how long do you plan to go on being celibate, Bella? I have to say that it makes you cranky. I find that it makes my skin look better to be active with Jasper. You know there really are some positive health benefits to keeping up with an active sex life….."
"Alice. For the love of god, shut up."
"Stop being a prude, Bella. It's not like they care," she motioned to the techs that were busy working away on our feet. "Even if they do understand us I'm sure they've heard much worse."
"Why do you even care?"
"Because Edward is all mopey, you look like you're about to explode, and I think the two of you should just do each other and get it over with."
"That's what started all this mess, Alice. That's the problem, not the solution."
I'm so delusional….
"Ok, I'm not saying it's the ideal circumstances, but if you're careful, you two don't have to stop seeing each other."
"Yes, for a while, we really do….."
If only it were so easy to actually stick to that…..
Alice luckily left me alone for the rest of our time at the salon, and gave up on the idea of pimping me out to Edward to improve both of our apparently foul temperaments.
By the time I got home, I only had time to quickly do my makeup and get dressed. Emmett didn't put up a fight getting into his tux, and we shared a quiet ride to his parent's house, the hum of the engine being the only sound between us.
*** BD ***
Esme immediately ushered me into the kitchen to help with getting all of the appetizers onto trays for the few waiters she had hired to circulate throughout the party. I barely even got off a perfunctory hello to Carlisle before she was dragging me out of the foyer.
"So Emmett tells me you have an interview next week." Her comment wasn't a question, she knew about my potential job, and judging from the blank look she was giving me, she probably didn't approve of my choice of schools.
"Yes, I do." I wasn't in the mood to be baited about the benefits of teaching in a private school versus a public one; it wasn't a wonder where Emmett got his views on public schools from.
"You do know that I'm still on the board at Emmett and Edward's Alma Mater?"
"Yup," I smiled as I continued putting the tiny bacon wrapped scallops onto the tray in front of me. When Esme turned to go retrieve another serving piece from the dining room, I absentmindedly brought my tiny tongs up and pretended to squish her head with them as she left the kitchen.
It was a never ending battle with Esme. I loved my mother-in-law, she was a wonderful and kind woman, but when it came to education, she was a total snob. She believed that you could only truly fulfill your potential if you were educated in some snooty private school. I think that was part of the reason there was such a rift in her relationship with Edward, she couldn't understand why he'd turn his back on his potential and pursue something as frivolous as music.
Her grandfather had been a Headmaster at one of the oldest private academies in the Chicago area, and he had instilled her prejudice for public schooling. She knew that the masses had to be educated, and saw the purpose of public education, but she believed that in order to be truly successful, you had to be educated in a certain way.
I'm sure she would have been appalled at the school system that I came from, where upon graduation about thirty percent of the graduating class went on to work in the logging industry, another twenty percent went on to be housewives, and the other half went some sort of higher learning. Given, most of them went to the local community college and only for two years, but there were a few like myself who left the state to go to school. I think there were only four people in my class who went to school out of state.
"Hey," the low voice behind me startled me out of my negative thoughts, and drew me into ones of an entirely different nature.
"Shit," I muttered under my breath as I accidentally dropped one of my tiny appetizers onto the floor in front of me.
Before I could even think of bending down to pick it up, Edward was knelt down on the floor at my feet. One of his large, warm hands crept in the slit at the back of my dress and caressed the bare skin of my calf as the other picked up the offending object from the floor. He was looking up at me through his eyelashes as I tried not to choke on my tongue. It was a wonder that I didn't just jump on top of him while he was down there.
"Uh…thanks," I coughed as he released my leg and stood next to me. He leaned over toward the cabinet where the trash can was and dropped the scallop inside before rejoining me.
If I had any sense of self preservation, I would have stepped away from him, but I obviously didn't as I subtly felt myself leaning into his side.
As I looked up into his eyes, all of the reasons I wanted to stay away from him were flitting through my mind. I knew he was dangerous to be around, but I couldn't deny I wanted him. I could tell by the look on his face that he was weighing his options over whether or not it would be a good idea to kiss me.
I felt my eyelids slip closed as his warm breath fanned across my face, making my mouth water. I could almost taste him on my lips before I was pushed back towards the counter, completely breathless and suddenly feeling cold.
As I opened my eyes, I could see Edward slip out the door into the hallway as Esme came in through the door to the dining room. He must have heard her coming and decided a swift exit was his best strategy. I couldn't say I disagreed with him, but it didn't mean I wasn't disappointed. My resolve to stay away was already slipping.
Once the wait staff arrived, I was able to seek out my husband and put on my game face. I knew the drill by now. I was to stand near him, smile, and be charming to the guests. It was scary how easy it was for me to put on the façade.
The cocktails were flowing by the time I found him, so I slipped in next to Emmett seamlessly and played my part.
About an hour into the party, I could feel eyes on me and looked up, immediately finding the cool blue of Rosalie Hale standing at the entrance to the room with a triumphant smirk on her face as most of the male eyes in the room appreciated her deep red, form fitting dress. Alice and Jasper appeared behind her and the three immediately made their way toward Edward.
I tried not to notice how smug Rosalie looked as she leaned in to kiss him on the cheek as she sidled up next to him and put her arm through his.
Time seemed to fly as I downed my entire drink and refocused my mission to be the perfect arm candy for the night.
The more intoxicated I became, the more hostile my thoughts towards her were, but every time I accidentally made eye contact with Edward, my blood started to boil in an entirely different manner.
The way he'd been looking at me all night had me in a complete tailspin. His smoldering eyes and the way he pursed his lips when he was looking at me from across the room was having a negative effect on the stability of my tiny satin underwear. I was beginning to think I might be able to melt into a puddle of goo on the wood floors just by the way he was staring.
Emmett had been plastered to my side for the past forty minutes, and I was beginning to think he was actually trying to be an attentive husband. Or at least I would have, had he not been staring at Rose's exposed back the entire evening. I wasn't that oblivious, most of the men in the room were doing the same. Except for one man, who had been noticeably absent for the last ten minutes.
I didn't even know that she was even going to be here. She wasn't originally supposed to be here. I was finally looking forward to spending time with Alice in a fun setting without her. It was like she knew exactly when to show up to screw with me.
Her drunken behavior at the Christmas party was bad enough. Did she really need to repeat it? I honestly don't know how Esme could have let her back into her house. Although, I had a feeling somehow my husband must have had a hand in it all. All he had been talking about at home was how rewarding it was to be a mentor to someone who was such a young talent in his field.
Gag me….
I wouldn't be surprised if Rose turned into a statistic and slept her way to the top now that she had a foot in the door. Don't get me wrong, she was smart, but she was also a conniving bitch, so I wouldn't put it past her.
Shaking my head to rid it of thoughts of her, I decided I needed to get some air before I exploded.
"Em," I said quietly, tugging on his sleeve to get his attention. It took a few tries, but eventually he looked down toward me with a goofy smile on his face. Oh yeah, he was drunk. "Hey, I'm going to go outside and get some air. I just wanted to let you know where I was going."
"Oh, yeah sure. Go do that. I'm gonna stay in here and maybe introduce some of Dad's friends to Rosie. Never hurts to have connections, right?"
Rosie? What the motherfu….
He leaned down and placed a wet kiss on the side of my neck before he returned his attention back to his father. But not before running his hand down the material of the dress flowing down my back and giving my ass a little squeeze.
I fought back an involuntary shudder, and not of the good variety as I worked my way up toward the front of the house so I could get my wrap from the entryway coat closet. The front of the house seemed fairly deserted, so I bundled myself up and slipped out the front door. There was a gazebo on the side of the house that I liked to sit in and read whenever we came to visit in the summer; hopefully it wasn't completely covered with snow.
Making the trek along the stone walkway through the side yard, I noticed some footprints through the fresh snow leading to where I was headed. I wasn't quite sure who would want to make the trip through the yard when it was so freaking cold outside, but it didn't take me long to guess, because I saw a familiar cropping of reddish brown hair leaning over one of the side rails, a puff of smoke surrounding him.
"Didn't your mother ever tell you that it wasn't healthy to smoke?" I called out as I stepped up onto the wooden platform.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?" he said with a smirk, turning toward me as I walked up beside him.
"How can you smoke those things?" I asked with mild disgust evident in my voice as I nodded towards his cigar.
"Eh, my grandpa was handing them out," he shrugged as he held the stogie up to his lips and puffed a few times. It was fascinating to watch the little red ring around the end of the thing. And I couldn't deny that I was fascinated by the way his fingers lithely held it in place against his mouth. "You know I don't really smoke, I just needed to get outside and away from all of that," he said nodding towards the house.
"I know what you mean. I don't think I could take anymore fake smiles or boring conversations. Why do your parents invite those boring people into your house? I would rather pull teeth than hang out with your dad's friends."
"I honestly don't know," he sighed as he reached over to a small glass ashtray he'd placed upon the railing. He snubbed out the end of the cigar and propped it against the side before he took a few steps closer to me and turned his back to lean against the wood column next to me. "Now you know why I don't exactly want to follow in his footsteps. I couldn't stand being around that many fake people for more than like ten minutes a day. Maybe even that would be too much."
I pulled my wrap a little tighter around my shoulders and thanked Alice for letting me wear part of my hair down this evening. I could only imagine how biting the cold air would be against any more exposed skin. Of course that didn't stop her from making my stylist do some intricate twisting braid with the top part of my hair using a million bobby pins.
"How did your semester end up going?" I asked softly as I looked up into his eyes.
"It was school; I was on the dean's list again. Not that he cares about me being on the dean's list. He was always up my ass about my grades before I changed majors, and now he doesn't even bother asking. He just sighs and lets my mom deal with me." He averted his eyes for a moment and ran his fingers through his hair before he sighed heavily and leaned down toward me. "Is it out of line for me to tell you that I really like the way that dress hugs your hips?"
I swallowed heavily as Edward licked his lips and lowered his gaze to where my hands were fisted in the thick material covering my midsection. I tried to formulate a witty response to bite back with, but my mouth has suddenly become dry, making it impossible for me to speak. I shook my head slowly from side to side as I tried to keep my cheeks from betraying the effect his words were having on me.
His hand slowly reached for my shoulder as he situated himself more closely to my side. "You really do look lovely. It's taken all my strength to keep from touching you again every time I came close to you this evening."
I looked down to the ground as I processed his words. I was still wary about this whole thing. I had agreed to try being friends again with him, but I couldn't help but feel that we were lucky we hadn't been caught so far.
Alice obviously wasn't going to tell anyone, but I still didn't think that spending much time together was in either of our best interest. I still had to get up the courage to tell the lawyer to draft the motion for divorce. The drafts of the papers were still sitting in my messenger bag, disguised as a lesson plan. The last thing I needed was for Em to see something like that.
"You know why you can't touch me," I said softly, curling my toes inside the dangerously high heels I was still wearing, even though they pinched my feet.
I felt a tug at my chin as Edward placed his finger under it and angled my head towards him. "But that doesn't mean that I still don't want to. I do. So badly. It's hard to stay away from you when I know that I should."
I shivered, but not from the cold, at the intensity of his gaze, his eyes barely lit up by the lights on the side of the house, the green glinting at me enticingly. I could see the conflict in his eyes as he slowly leaned down toward me, regarding me like a scared deer, hoping I wouldn't run at the first sign of danger.
"I know I shouldn't and can't kiss you," he whispered as he got closer, his lips inching closer to my own. "But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to." With that, he closed the rest of the distance and lightly pressed his lips to mine, moving them so my bottom lip was nestled between his two larger ones.
I could barely feel the pressure of his skin against mine, but I could feel the energy pulsing between us as he slowly backed away and then moved in for more. His lips parted slightly, nudging mine to do the same, but a loud crackling noise from the yard made me jerk back away from him.
"Oh god," I breathed as I hugged my arms tighter around my torso and took a step back away from him.
"You can't just do that out here," I hissed at him as I shook my head and took a few more steps away from him. It's not that I didn't want him to kiss me, in fact, I'm pretty sure my subconscious was doing a little victory dance right now, but he knew he couldn't touch me here. It could have been disastrous for both of us. There were too many people inside of that house who knew who we were, and I'm pretty sure if they caught us kissing, all hell would break loose.
"Bella, wait," he whispered as I backed away from him. "Seriously, I'm sorry, I won't do that again." He held his hands up in surrender and took a step back, but I still needed to get away from him. I came outside to clear my head, and now I was more confused than ever. "I promise. I'll be on my best behavior."
"I….I can't," I stammered as I turned back to the house and jogged along the stone path as quickly as my heel clad feet would allow me. I didn't stop as I burst through the front door and turned to go up the large staircase in the entryway. I didn't even know where I was headed as I bolted up the steps, only stumbling slightly as I reached the top and turned the knob on the library door. The last thing that I needed was to be around people right now.
I was wired so tightly it was a surprise that my head didn't pop off. I still wasn't any better off now than I was a month ago, if anything, I was more confused. I was so tired to living in a constant state of anxiety. It was really wearing on me to have to be on edge all of the time.
Part of me wished that none of this had ever happened, but would I really be better off that way?
There was no denying it now. I was in love with him, not just lust. That didn't make it any easier for me. It just made it harder waiting. I felt like I was always playing this precarious game of getting and then retreating.
Edward knew how I felt about him, and I knew how he felt about me, but we still couldn't really do anything about it.
I moved over to the window that overlooked the backyard, peering out into the dimly lit landscaping. I could barely make out the edge of the gazebo in the side yard, but I knew that he wasn't there anymore. The little glass ashtray was missing. He had gone inside as well.
I flexed my fingers absently as I tried not to think about what he might be doing downstairs. My fingers were still cold from being exposed to the elements, but my lips were burning. He always left me feeling like that. Like my skin was on fire from where he touched me.
There was something calming about this room. It technically was the place where I first saw Edward, but I think it had more to do with the contents of the room than the memories it held. The books, in large mahogany cases, spanning the whole length of two walls, all the way from the dark wood floor to the high ceiling, they were what held my attention. I felt like this room would always be my hiding place.
So much knowledge, so much fantasy, sometimes mixed into the same titles. There was a wide array of genre represented in the Cullen family library, but it was all valued the same to me. The written word was golden. So many centuries of words. There was something mysteriously sexy about knowing that all of these writers lived lives in a wide array of economic classes, countries, their experiences culminating into something tangible left behind for posterity.
The noise from the party downstairs was starting to increase and I knew it had to be getting close to midnight. I should probably have taken that as my cue to go downstairs and find my husband, who would be expecting a New Year's kiss, but I couldn't find it in myself to go. Knowing Emmett, he probably wouldn't notice until it was already over, or he would be the adorable momma's boy and seek out Esme to ring in the New Year.
Distancing myself from him and putting up the façade had been getting easier, the guilt over what I was doing subsiding marginally. We just didn't fit anymore, I knew it –recognized it for what it was – but Emmett really hadn't taken the time to notice things had changed. Maybe it was better this way, he would be free to find someone better suited to him, someone who would love his eccentricities instead of resenting them like I did.
I knew I was being a coward, and that the request for a divorce would blindside him completely, but it was better this way, for me. I could just blow up our life together and walk away. Emmett excelled in a crisis, he would be fine, but it was me I was worried about.
Edward was so optimistic that things would fall into place, but I knew it would never be that easy. He would always be either an outcast or my dirty little secret, and I didn't know if I could put myself through that. I also didn't know if I could stop either. Giving him up was always at the forefront of my mind, but I had never actually done it. He was always still there, within arms-reach, waiting for me to acknowledge him again.
Even now, as he was probably making the rounds downstairs, charming his relatives and family friends, if I called for him, he would come. He didn't deserve to be jerked around, but that was what I continued to do to him. I was delaying the inevitable. He needed to let me go.
"I wondered where you wandered off to." His whispered words sent a faint shiver down my spine and I turned my back to him, hoping he'd leave me alone.
"Just trying to get away from all of that," I said gesturing to the door, using his words from earlier. I hadn't noticed that he'd closed it behind him and affixed the latch. My mind began to swim as I considered his plans for me. He had a predatory gleam in his eye as he closed the distance between us.
Before I had even realized it, I was backed up against the shelves behind me, the lower encasement pressing into the backs of my thighs.
Edward was only a few steps away as I heard the volume increase once again downstairs, the countdown would be starting soon. It looked like he had come to claim his kiss to start the New Year. He always knew how to find me, and now I was trapped.
His arms came up to the bookshelf I was propped against on either side of my shoulders. He was boxing me in, trying to prevent my escape. Little did he know, there was nowhere else I would rather be at the moment.
I wanted him to kiss me again, I had been thinking about it –fantasizing about it – practically obsessing about it since kissing him in my car weeks ago. It was something I found myself thinking about far more than I should. The moment we had outside was just a taste of what I had been wanting.
"Were you hiding from me?" he whispered as he brought one of his feet in between mine and nudged them apart so his thigh was pressing lightly against me.
I shook my head, but he smiled and cocked an eyebrow at my response, calling my bluff.
"Why were you hiding, Bella?" he asked as he leaned down and ran his nose along the side of my head, inhaling as he nuzzled my hair. "Did you not want to give me a new year's kiss?"
I swallowed noisily and shrugged my shoulders. Denying it would be lying, but I wasn't ready to admit that to him. I was supposed to be distancing myself from him, only allowing friendship – nothing more –but apparently I was failing at that as well.
"We shouldn't," my voice was nothing more than a breathy sigh. I didn't even sound convincing to myself.
"Oh we absolutely should," he murmured as he moved one of his hands to run down my side. His touch was soft, yet possessive, he knew exactly how to coax a response out of my body.
"Edward," I let out a startled whine when his hand began to blaze a trail under the hem of my dress, finally skimming on the drenched piece of satin that was my only defense against him. His brazen disregard for my protests were doing nothing more than making me even more aroused, and when his fingers pulled the scrap of fabric aside and slipped inside of me, I gave up the will to fight.
His kiss was strong and he invaded my mouth with his tongue in a way that was much more aggressive than I was used to from him. I didn't know whether it was the alcohol or his touch, but it didn't take much for my mind to swim. My head fell back against the books on the shelf behind me as I gave in and opened myself up to him.
My orgasm took me completely by surprise, my back arching and a silent cry falling from my lips. Even though I was lost in the sensations he was creating in my body, I was still mindful to be quiet.
The only sounds in the room as the ringing in my ears subsided were the rustling of fabric as he pulled me up to his chest so he could hike my dress around my waist and the clanking of his belt as he freed himself.
I could hear the crinkle of a wrapper, and smiled at his forethought. I would have hated to explain any mysterious marks on my dress. Before I could waste anymore thought on it, I could feel him at my entrance, heavy and hard.
Oh fuck…
"Shhhh, baby," he murmured as he sucked at the pulse point on my neck. I was faintly worried that he would leave a mark, but I knew he was smarter than that.
I thought I was going to hyperventilate as he lined himself up and began to push inside of me. He was so hard, stretching me to accommodate him as he slipped in. It was uncomfortable as he settled into me; it had been awhile since we had last been together.
I quickly forgot the discomfort as he began to rock against me, hitting me in places I'd forgotten existed.
Edward's mouth returned to mine as he clasped one of my hands and began to raise it up over my head. He pinned our joined hands up over my head as he pressed me harder against the casing behind me. I was completely surrounded by him as he continued to piston his hips into me, pushing me closer and closer with each of his movements.
I could hear the noise from the party downstairs in as a dull roar in my ears that seemed to get louder and louder.
The slicked fingers of Edward's other hand began to rub a tight circle where we were joined. I could hear the shouts ringing in the New Year, struggling to stifle my own shouts of joy for an entirely different reason.
"Happy New Year," Edward panted as he pulled back from me and looked into my eyes. I could see the strain in his neck and knew that he was close as I began to convulse around him.
Edward's pupils dilated completely in my hazy vision before he let out a grunt and his sweaty forehead fell against my neck.
"That was some kiss," I whispered as I brought my hand to run through the back of his hair.
He chuckled as he began to kiss up my chest and neck, stopping to kiss behind my ear. "Yes, yes it was."
We were both quiet for a moment before he backed away from me. I whimpered slightly as he slipped out of me, knowing it might be the last time that I felt him inside of me.
I could hear car engines starting up outside of the house and realized that our time together was sadly coming to an end.
We both went into the motions of straightening ourselves out, although if Edward's was any indication, my hair would probably be a dead giveaway.
Figuring that since we were staying here tonight and I could claim that I was tired of it being up, I began to remove all of the pins from the top of my hair, sending it all cascading down my back. As I finished my task, I could see Edward taking it all in with a darkening stare.
He approached me slowly in long strides, backing me up against the bookcases again, boxing me in with his hands on either side of me.
"I don't want to stay away from you anymore, Bella," he whispered as he tucked a curl behind my ear.
I looked deep into his eyes and saw myself reflected back, he was feeling just as desperate as I was, and I knew I could never keep him away again and mean it without breaking my own heart as well as his. I had no idea how this was going to turn out, but I could only hope we both wouldn't be destroyed in the process.
"Then don't."
It was a whispered plea before I pushed him away from me and strode out the door, knowing that if I stayed near him I would give in to his body again.
As I descended the steps back into the party that was slowly winding down, I hoped he took me seriously and didn't stay away anymore. I was tired of trying so hard to hide from him.
I could only pray that whatever life threw at me next would not derail my plans.
So I obviously dropped the ball on getting chapters out quicker, RL always seems to get in the way as well as writer's block...that being said, I have worked hard over the last few months and have finished this chapter and the next four completely. I am going to post one chapter a week until I run out, hopefully by then I will have a few more past that done. We are at the halfway mark in the story now, and I have to warn some of you that it gets a little rough after the next chapter. I made Caren threaten to put her head in the oven on Chapter 13, so just be prepared if you are not a fan of the angst.
There will probably be 19 chapters and then an epi. It could probably be called a future-take, but it'll tie up a few loose ends too.
Thank you so much to those of you who are still reading. I know that it sucks when authors don't update for months at a time, but I am trying to get this story finished for you all. It'll be nice to have it all out of my head and finally on paper. See you next Sunday, and hope you all enjoy.
Brotherly Devotion is up for fic of the week for 10/31-11/5 at The Lemonade Stand http: / / tehlemonadestand ( . ) blogspot ( . ) com / (take out spaces) Go vote now!
