I didn't get any sleep that night. I laid awake in Sirius' bed, feeling him toss and turn all night long. I listened to the cold rain patter against the window outside and listened to the different sounds of each of the boys breathing. Each time I felt my eyes closed all I could see was him so I would quickly open my eyes which didn't allow me any rest. It seemed like time passed by slowly until I could see the sun in the horizon and heard James get out of bed. I listened as the shower ran, while it was a surprisingly soothing sound.
I laid and thought about yesterday and everything that had happened. I didn't understand how one day can be just right and then the very next day be so horrible. I thought about how glad I was to have given myself to Sirius. Not because of the way he was treating me now, but because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if Tomas had taken that away from me. It was nice that Sirius was being so nice to me, but I still knew I was going to have to break his heart eventually and that thought weighed on my mind heavily. I wasn't ready to be with someone who wanted such commitment, especially not now.
Sirius shifted next me and stretched his arms above his head before whispering.
"Ana?"
"Mhmm?" I said quietly.
"How'd you sleep?" He asked, moving my hair behind my shoulder. I didn't reply, I couldn't find the strength to speak.
"Do you want to get dressed and go for an early breakfast in the great hall?" He asked as he sat up.
I laid still, not wanting to move. I knew Tomas would be in the great hall and I knew I would see him. I didn't want to be anywhere near him ever again and if that meant not eating then that's what I would do.
"Ana please answer me." He sighed.
"No." I whispered, not even sure he heard my voice.
"You have to eat." He said but I ignored him once more.
I guess he heard me.
Once he was off the bed completely I pulled the covers up over my head, trying my best to escape from everything. I wanted to hide, I wanted to be alone.
It seemed Sirius got the message because instead of insisting I come out I heard him tell Remus he was going to take a quick shower, which Remus argued about for a moment saying that Sirius' showers were never quick but eventually let it go.
"Did Ana go back to her dorm?" I heard James say once the bathroom door opened.
"No, I think she just wants to be left alone." I heard Remus answer quietly.
I felt my eyes stinging, about to leak for the thousandth time. I wanted to stop crying, I really did but I just didn't know how. It hurt to cry. My sore stomach clenched and my body shook with each whimper and all my muscles ached greatly. Both my mind and body felt numb from the pain and the lack of sleep but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the image of his twisted face away from my closed eyes.
I didn't know how long Sirius was in the shower, whether it was short or not but I did feel him pull the covers off my face gently. I turned my head and looked up at him, my vision blurred. All I could make out was his pale face and shaggy black hair. When I adjusted my body I suddenly felt something sticky near my thighs. I pushed the blankets off me and looked down, seeing my once gray panties turned red while surrounded by a pool of deep crimson. I let out a loud scream and sat up quickly, pulling my legs to my chest. The sight of my blood terrified me for the first time in my life.
"That doesn't look good." Sirius said, scratching the back of his neck.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to. I'll clean it." I rushed and tried getting out off the bed but a wave of dizziness hit me hard, and I stumbled on my feet and grabbed onto the pillar of James' bed which was next to Sirius'.
"Relax Ana, it's okay you don't need to clean it but we should get you to the hospital wing." Sirius said as he helped sturdy me.
"I'm not going to the hospital wing I don't want people to know." I whispered, crying more while trying desperately to stop. My sides ached terribly.
"No one has to know what happened, only Madame Pomfrey will know and she's not going to tell anyone. Please, you need to be seen." James said sadly but I still refused.
I was not going to have everyone bombard me with questions on who did this to me, and to tell me how stupid I was. I already knew how stupid I was for letting this happen and I didn't need to hear it from everyone else.
"I'm not going." I said, surprising myself with how firm I sounded. James sighed and I watched as Sirius pulled out his wand and waved it. The blood that stained the mattress was instantly cleaned.
"You should clean yourself up." Sirius said, eyeing my blood soaked underwear. I attempted to cover myself with my hands, not wanting anyone to stare but it didn't work. Sirius looked at me with what looked like hurt before knocking on the bathroom door to tell Remus to hurry with his shower.
A few moments later after standing awkwardly, leaned against the wooden bed post the bathroom door opened and Remus emerged. I took this chance to quickly make my way to the washroom while ignoring the intense pain. I shut the door behind me and leaned my back against it, breathing heavily. Once regaining my composure I leaned into the shower and turned the nobs, wanting the hottest temperature possible without scalding myself, then stripped and stepped in. I felt the heat disinfecting my dirty skin as I stood under the falling water. I could only stand for a few minutes before I felt my knees start to shake so I sat down on the hard ground, leaning against the shower wall and letting the water soak me. I watched the door intently, hoping no one would come in to bother me while I let my tears flow freely. I didn't know it was possible to cry this much.
I didn't know why I was acting so pathetic. It's my fault all this happened and no one else deserved to suffer because of my stupid mistake. All the boys had been so great about it, so considerate but they didn't need to be. Instead they should all be focusing on their school, on what they planned on doing for the rest of the day. Not on trying to get me to go to the hospital wing, and not sharing their dorm with me. Peter was probably upset that I cut in on his shower time, Merlin knows he needed it.
I could feel my head getting heavy and it slowly started leaning down to rest my forehead on my knees. I closed my eyes and focused on the warm water soaking my body and took deep breaths.
I was sitting in the Astronomy Tower, looking out at the starry sky. The moon was full and the sky was cloudless, allowing its glow to reflect down on the calm grounds and distant hillside. Everything was calm, the breeze was warm like it had been summer and I could smell green, as though it had just rained. My mind was clear and my thoughts were of nothing but contentment. I closed my eyes and inhaled the smooth scent deeply before I heard footsteps approaching me, clanking loudly against the stone floor. For some reason I couldn't make myself look to who it was that was coming closer. Instead I kept my eyes shut, bathing in my serene surroundings.
The footsteps came to a halt and I could feel someone place a gentle hand on my shoulder. I leaned against the warm hand, pressing my cheek to their skin and smiling slightly. I heard them sit down next to me, not moving their hand away from my shoulder. For a moment, we sat like this. Not speaking, not moving, until I opened my eyes to look at them.
It was Sirius. His composure was relaxed and comforting. After looking at his face I looked down to the arm that was outstretched, placing the hand on me. He whispered my name ever so gently, coaxing me to look up at him, so I did but when I looked into his eyes I didn't see Sirius anymore.
Tomas' eyes appeared, glaring daggers at me. They were filled with arrogance mixed with hatred and when I was finally able to pull my gaze away from them and look back to Sirius' soft features I saw that they had been replaced with Tomas' harsh ones. The smirk across his lips made my heart pound and I lifted my cheek away from his skin and stood. I backed away from the man sitting on the stone floor while keeping my eyes on him the entire time, only tearing them away when I made my move and bolted to the door that lead out of the tower.
I pulled on the handle but the door had not budged. I heard a sickening laugh coming from him before the sound of his footsteps came once again. I felt my breath catch in my throat as he grabbed my wrists forcefully and held them behind my back. He shushed me quietly and moved me away from the door. For some reason I did what he lead me to do without an ounce of fight. He pressed me against the wall and pulled my pants down, exposing my bare arse to the air that had suddenly gone from being warm and inviting, to cold and piercing. I could feel him touching me, his hard hand exploring every inch of my naked skin.
There was suddenly a loud bang, and I screamed loudly.
My head shot up off my knees and I realized that I wasn't the only one in the room anymore. Sirius had opened the door and was looking at me, panic evident on his features.
"I've been calling your name for ten minutes Ana, why didn't you answer me?" He asked loudly.
"I-I didn't hear you." I said quietly.
"Don't do that again, you had me worried." He said, lowering his voice slightly. I nodded and looked away from him, waiting for him to stop looking at my naked body.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on you like that." He said before he left the bathroom and shut the door.
I sighed and touched my face, which was slippery with not water, but sweat. I stood and shook the dream from my head while I washed my face and the rest of my body with a mint smelling cleaner that I recognized to be James'. Once done with my shower I turned off the taps and wrapped myself with a towel. I was about to put my clothes back on when I looked down and saw the stained bottoms. I sighed and rubbed my eyes which were extremely itchy then slowly creeped open the bathroom door.
"James?" I said quietly, sticking my head out of the opening.
"Yeah?" He asked, turning all attention to me.
"Could I maybe borrow some bottoms?" I asked, looking around for Sirius who wasn't there.
"Of course." He said and quickly dug around his trunk. I guess boys didn't see the need to unpack their clothing.
He handed me a loose pair of plaid boxers and I thanked him pleasantly before locking myself back into the bathroom and changing. It took a while because my body was still in such pain but once they were on I felt so much better, so much cleaner. I hung the towel and threw my underwear into the garbage before leaving the bathroom, and walking past Peter who finally had his turn.
I sat down on the edge of Sirius' now made bed and looked at James who was looking back at me.
"Where did the other two go?" I asked, referring to Sirius and Remus.
"Uhm, they went for breakfast I guess." James said, not looking directly into my eyes.
"What is it?" I asked slowly, knowing he was hiding something. I just hoped Sirius wasn't going to do something stupid about Tomas.
"Well, I guess Charlene kind of showed up. She wasn't too happy about you staying the night so she dragged Sirius away for some alone time." He said cautiously.
"Oh." I said, ignoring the sudden pain in my heart.
"I'm sorry." He said, looking at me mournfully.
"There's nothing to be sorry about." I shrugged. "I told him I didn't feel the same way, I don't expect him to just hang out and wait for me to come around."
"Yeah I know but, after everything you've been through-" He started.
"James please. I'll be fine, I don't want any more sympathy." I interrupted and he looked at me, his eyes sad.
"Ana, it's a bigger deal than you're making it out to be. He raped you. He violated you physically and emotionally. It's okay for you to upset." He sat down on the bed next to me.
"I know, and I will get through it, but I don't need you guys to suffer with me."
"We love you, we don't care if we're suffering with you because all we want it to help you get through this." James placed a friendly arm around my shoulders and squeezed.
"Just don't worry about me too much James." I sighed and closed my eyes.
I didn't go to classes all day. I stayed in the boys dorm resting my body but not my mind. I thought about everything. All the things I could have done differently to avoid Tomas, all the things I could have said to him that would've made him happy and not want to hurt me. I even thought about regretting not sleeping with him that night in the Astronomy Tower. Everything was going so well until I had turned him down, that's when it all fell apart.
My stomach rumbled constantly throughout the day and I could feel my eyes struggling to stay open but I knew if I gave in, I would have to relive everything over again and I just wasn't strong enough. My body ached now from being held up in the same position for so long so I decided to cautiously enter the common room. I slowly walked down the stairs and to the vacant couch, dragging Sirius' comforter behind me before I wrapped it around myself and sat down. I stared into the flickering flames and watched as the coals glowed and the wood burned. Although I was wrapped in a thick blanket and sitting only a few feet away from the warm fire I still felt cold.
Classes must've ended because every so often a group of Gryffindors would flood into the room, some giving me weird looks and some not bothering to acknowledge me at all.
I soon heard laughter coming from the hallway that entered the common room and the
voices coming into the room were clearly recognizable so I shrunk down in the couch hoping that no one noticed I was there.
"Did you see the look on McGonagalls face when the cup blew up? She was livid!" I heard James exclaims then Sirius' barking laugh followed. I didn't think they noticed me until I felt the couch sink down near my feet. I peered over the top of the blanket that was covering my face and saw Sirius watching me with a slight smile formed on his lips. I managed to smile back but we both know it wasn't sincere.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked.
"Yes." I lied, blushing slightly.
"I'm glad. Maybe you'd want to join us for dinner?" He asked, raising his brow. My mind was telling me no way in bloody hell was I going to the great hall where my rapist was definitely going to be but my stomach complained. I hadn't eaten since yesterday around lunch time and I could practically feel my body eating its self. I nodded in agreement which made the smile on Sirius' face grow.
"I'll rub your feet if you want." He offered and I gladly accepted, while I stretched out my legs and placed my feet in his lap.
"Don't you have homework?" I asked as he began to massage both feet.
"Yes I have way too much, but I'm just not in the homework mood right now." He sighed and leaned his head back against the couch and closed both eyes. I watched as his hands caressed each foot gently. It was mesmerizing to watch his hands move so delicately across my skin and the simple gesture made my who body tingle with warmth.
"How's Charlene?" I asked curiously, stupidly.
"Ana about that, I didn't mean to say that to you I was just upset that you blew me off. You know I don't even like her."
"I wasn't talking about that." I said slowly. He opened one eye and looked at me through it.
"What were you talking about then?" He asked.
"James said you left this morning to spend time with her." I shrugged.
"Oh, right." Was all he said.
"So, are you guys back together or were you ever even separated?" I questioned, ignoring the pained feeling in my chest.
"I guess we were never really separated." He said softly.
"I see."
"If you don't want me to see her I guess I could end things." He said quickly.
"Don't be silly Sirius. I told you I don't think of you that way, I wouldn't expect you to break up with your girlfriend just because you say you have feelings for me."
"I thought you said you didn't regret what happened between us." He said, sounding a tad bit angry.
"I don't regret it, but not because I like you that way." I tried, not wanting to fight with him again. I still wasn't completely over everything he said to me the day before.
"Right." He said. "Then I guess I should stop touching you, it's probably too intimate for you to handle."
"That's not what I meant and you know it." I defended.
"I feel so bad for you Ana." He said raising to his feet. "The worst happens to you and you have a perfectly nice guy sitting in front of you, willing to do anything for you yet you're still to proud to admit that maybe he's worth it."
"Of course you're worth it Sirius, but I just don't think right now's the best time." I tried.
"What the bloody hell does that mean?" He said, voice loud.
"Relax Padfoot." I heard James say from a table by the window where he was sitting with Remus and Peter.
"It just means that I'm not ready to be with anyone right now, no matter who it is."
"I don't understand what you're saying Ana." He said, frustrated while sitting back down on the couch.
"I just mean that I like you, a lot. Maybe I can see us going somewhere in the future since I know there's no way we can go back to being the friends we used to be. I just don't want to get together now, and find out we weren't meant to be together." I said, looking down and away from his piercing gaze.
"Ana," He said softly. "I know we're meant to be together."
"If two people are meant for each other they don't have to be together right now, but they eventually will be." I looked at his now gentle eyes and smiled lightly.
Sirius sighed and nodded his head.
"Does this mean I have to coax you into wanting to be with me?" He asked, grinning.
"It wouldn't hurt." I smiled. "But you need to work on that anger issue you have Mr. Black."
"What anger issue?" He said, pretending to be hurt.
"You can be a dick some times, yesterday was a perfect example." I explain and he nodded.
"I am really sorry about that, you do believe me?"
"I believe you, but I don't forgive you completely."
"Ana that's not fair." Sirius wined.
"It's perfectly fair." I shot back, and he huffed before grabbing my feet once more.
Talking with Sirius was easier now, even though I didn't fully believe what I said I knew that maybe things would change and if I gave Sirius a chance to be there for me and make me happy then what harm could possibly come out of it? He had always been a complete gentleman to me, other than his random outbursts which I, along with all the other marauders managed to live with. He couldn't help that he had the temper of a Black, but other than that was always there for me when I needed him most like right now.
I didn't want him to see that I was still hurting inside from what happened because I didn't want him to worry and I didn't want him to think I was weak. Maybe it was my sleep deprivation that told me this was a good idea, but hiding it seemed the best way to go. It seemed like the best way to continue with my life as it was, as if nothing even happened. If I kept pretending I was alright maybe even I would start to believe it and I would be able to get over it
