Chapter 12:

Her Choice

After a long and sleepless night, Friday did finally arrive. Lucy was my only client today and she and her uncle weren't scheduled to be here until later in the afternoon. The rest of my day I would be spending my time cleaning and doing paperwork. I needed anything and everything to keep me busy to pass time. I gave Alice the day off to prepare for her date, and I couldn't wait to hear her dish about it on Monday.

Unfortunately, my house was clean, though it was rarely ever dirty anyway. I did laundry and dishes, and took a break for lunch on my porch. I cut an apple and had some sweet tea sitting next to me in my rocker. I laid my head back on the chair, and closed my eyes, finally allowing my mind to wander back to Edward for the second time since I woke up.

I couldn't help but envision his naked body entwined with mine as we moved together as one. Sex was slowly starting to overrule all other thoughts when I hadn't had a release in more than a couple of days. It was unnerving, and it was starting to scare me because I felt powerless. My swing on top of that lonely hill, was beginning to swing faster than it ever had before.

I also couldn't help but wonder about Riley and Kate. Were they together? Was Riley still angry or was he slowly realizing the truth about us? And why was I the only one who saw that Lucy didn't care much for Kate? I worried about that, too, but what could I do? When my mind filled with too many questions, I opened my eyes and yelled in surprise. My mother stood in front of me with her arms crossed, and her foot tapping impatiently.

I clutched my chest and tried to catch a breath.

"Mom, what the hell?" I gasped. My eyes noticed her horse tethered to the end of the porch and eating out my flower bed. Renee continued to stare at me. "Well?" I furthered. "What are of doing here?"

"I told you that we needed to talk, and that I would come over."

"Yeah, well you almost gave me a heart attack, dammit!" I cried, still clutching my chest. Renee rolled her eyes, and pulled Riley's rocking chair from beside me until it was in front of me. I groaned inwardly.

"Talk about what, mom?" I whined.

"About life," she said with a light smile. Talks with my mother usually ended badly since my father passed away, because she was the one that did all the talking. Where was he now when I needed someone to listen the most?

"Not if I won't get to talk at all," I blurted. Renee raised an eyebrow, then sat back in her chair.

"Fair enough." She dug around in her riding vest. "Hand me a liter, dear. And don't tell me that you don't have one. You're as bad as your father when it comes to lying."

I frowned, and could have protested, but I reached into my back pocket silently instead. I gave her my yellow Bic. My eyes went wide when I saw her light a green apple, Black & Mild. She grabbed another from the skinny pack, and offered it to me.

"But..." I took the cigar carefully. "Dad smoked these." I was thoroughly confused. Renee chuckled and passed the liter back.

"Who do you think got him started?" She laughed.

"I've never seen you smoke," I continued.

"I never wanted you to. It was something I did on occasion for me, and no one else."

"Oh," I said. "Me too."

Renee smiled, then cleared her throat. I lit my cigar and took a long drag.

"Now, tell me what is going on with you and Riley," Renee ordered lightly. I was about to protest again, but Renee held a hand up to stop me.

"Remember, you can't lie."

I chuckled softly because I couldn't help it. I was too much like my father in that regard. I took another drag, and leaned back into my chair.

"We split up."

"That much I've gathered," Renee said dead panned. "I'm here to talk about why you split up." I didn't bother asking how she knew, because after all, she was my mother, and because this was a small town that loved to talk.

I shrugged, ashamed. "It's been coming for a while, but he won't face it," I said.

"Good men are stubborn, Isabella."

"Good men are?" I scoffed.

"Yes. He could easily be like most men and give up, treat you badly by cheating, screwing around, or he could care enough to fight. Even if the marriage is over, at least he knows that he fought."

"But fighting for what, mom? It's only made it worse."

"Some people need things to get worse in order to realize the truth." I shivered slightly because she was starting to say everything that I had been saying for years, only I was just now strong enough to say them out loud.

"I haven't heard from him, so he still isn't facing it. He's holed up at the lake house," I said sadly.

"He'll come around. I wouldn't worry about him for taking some time. He's a good man, Bella, and you know that."

"I do know that," I whispered.

"You miss him," she stated matter of fact.

I shrugged, then nodded. "He's my best friend."

"There's more to marriage than friendship."

"Exactly," I agreed. We smoked in silence for a moment, but Renee studied my face intently.

"You think you've made a mistake, don't you?" She asked carefully. I frowned and immediately shook my head. When I looked into my mothers green eyes, I stopped shaking my head.

"I don't know," I whispered sadly.

"I can help you decide," she said. I raised my eyebrows in interest, then took a drag, listening intently.

She leaned forward slightly and her short chestnut hair fell from behind her ear. She pushed it back. "Find what you're lacking with Riley. Do you know it?"

I nodded, my cheeks beginning to burn. I didn't want to tell her.

"What is it?" She asked.

I looked to the floor.

"Oh," Renee replied softly. She knew what I wasn't saying. "Okay, but that isn't enough."

"How is it not?" I countered. "That's a lot, mom. If there's no sexual attraction, then I'm just living with a friend...a roommate."

Renee grinned. "Ah, so there's no communication between you two?"

I nodded my head strongly.

"There you go," she said. I frowned, not understanding. Renee sighed, and put her cigar out. I did the same.

"Being in love isn't what people think," she began slowly. "I know you love him, and he loves you, but love isn't enough, sweetheart. Love is made by two other very important things." I waited patiently for her continue, and suddenly began to truly understand the issues between me and my husband.

"First, you need communication. With communication, you gain trust, and with those two key factors in place, you create love. A love that lasts forever but only if you work daily on communication."

"So you're saying that my marriage is able to be saved?" I asked.

"Not necessarily. I'm saying that your key factors aren't there anymore. At least, not in the marriage sense. Some people loose them over time, and some people never truly have them at all. Bella, I believe that people can be in love with an idea so strongly that they choose the wrong path, and the wrong person."

I swallowed hard and noticed that tears had begun to swell up in my eyes.

"And I also believe that people can love a friend so strongly that they misconceive them as their true love."

I didn't know how to respond, but everything she said made sense, and spoke directly to my wounded heart.

"So," I cracked. "It was a mistake from the start?"

Renee leaned forward and placed a hand on my knee. "No, sweetie. Everything happens for a reason, and you were meant to be with Riley. It's the path you chose. But I'm proud of you for realizing that it wasn't what you wanted anymore before it was too late."

"Too late?" I asked.

"You're not even thirty yet. Wouldn't it be harder if you began to realize this at my age?" She countered.

"Yes. But it's complicated, Mom. Someone is going to end up heart broken, and it's going to be Riley, and I hate that. I don't want to hurt him, but it's inevitable."

"But what about Edward?" She asked nonchalantly. I frowned and averted her eyes. How did she know?

"I...I mean-"

"Isabella," she scorned. "Don't lie. I saw you two at the benefit. I saw the look in your eyes."

I scoffed. "What look?"

"Danger," she said quietly. "Lust. That's when I realized that things weren't right with you."

"Riley suggested everything! It wasn't all me!" I argued. Renee raised her eyebrows, and I relented. "At least, not all me."

She sighed and sat back. "You know, I was with a man for years before meeting your father. We were engaged, actually." My eyes filled with curiosity.

"What? When?" I asked.

Renee laughed. "Keep in mind, I didn't have you until I was twenty-four," she noted. "And I married your father about eleven months before that.

I nodded, sat back to listen, and swiped my face clean. Renee took a deep breath.

"His name was Aaron, and we were inseparable," she began fondly. "We met as kids in our first year of high school. I knew he was the one, I was sure of it. When we graduated and went to college, I noticed that things began to change. I accepted that, though, because everything changes after high school. We planned to marry after college graduation but just a few months before, I met your father."

"Wait, at college?" I piqued. "I thought you met Dad at a lumber yard."

Renee chuckled. "I did. I went to his lumber yard looking to begin building my barn and fences. I had college loans to pay off, so I needed to start work as soon as I graduated."

"Oh. Okay, so you and Dad became friends?"

She shook her head. "Not right away. He was interested, but I had Aaron." She sighed, and was quiet for a moment. "But I will say, there was something about Charlie...all I had to do was look at him and he made me feel things I had never felt before. That's when I began questioning my current relationship. I felt good with Aaron. I was protected, cared for, and we had fun, but as hard as I tried-and I did try-I just couldn't get those feelings from him that your Dad gave."

My mind was reeling into the past as I listened to my mother's story, but it kept jolting to the present, and reminding me of my current situation.

"So what happened?" I urged, when she didn't continue. "Did Dad and Aaron make you choose?"

Renee's face fell. It took her a moment to reply, almost as if she was trying to gather the courage to do so.

"Just before graduation, I told Aaron about Charlie. He was furious. I feared for your father's life until I was able to calm him down. We had life plans already set, and I was breaking them. I broke Aaron's heart, and it ended badly. He screamed that he never wanted to see me again. He couldn't understand. I wasn't sure if I was even explaining it well enough. All I could say was that I loved Charlie, and he was the one. I apologized, but Aaron didn't want to hear any of it. We broke up, and I went to Charlie."

I had a blank stare on my face like I was waiting for more, but when Renee swiped a tear from her left eye, I knew that there wasn't anymore. She made her choice, and it broke a piece of her heart off.

"Do you regret it?" I whispered.

Renee smiled softly. "No. I never have regretted it, because it was the right decision."

"What about Aaron?"

"I saw him years later at a horse show, and I had you on my hip," she said, chuckling lightly. "And Aaron was engaged to be married with a baby on the way."

My heart eased. "So, it was good, then. I mean, it all worked out for the best," I said hopeful. Renee nodded.

"It took time, but yes, it did. I couldn't marry someone when I realized that he wasn't the one. I would only be hurting myself, and Aaron. It wouldn't be fair to him in the long run." Renee leaned forward and looked me in the eyes. "Baby, if Edward is the one, then you need to go for it. Don't loose him. Riley will be okay, and thank you one day."

My heart now sank to the floor and I began to cry. Just hearing her say Edward's name again had me gasping for air.

"Mom," I cried. "I'm ashamed. I don't know who I want. I think with Edward, it's strictly physical, and with Riley, I have the rest." I threw my head in my hands. "I just don't know."

As sure as I had been for over a year that my marriage was over, why was I second guessing myself now? Renee put a hand on my shoulder to soothe me. She let me cry for a minute before speaking again.

"Find your heart, baby. Who holds it?"

"Both," I whimpered.

"No, not both," she countered. "Who holds that certain part of your heart? The one that takes your breath away..."

I peeked up from my hands and sniffled. Renee smiled. "You're going to be alright, sweetie. I promise."

I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't. My swing was spinning furiously in a vortex of confusion. I was waiting for someone to save me, but it was only me that could stop the swinging.

Suddenly, my phone rang loudly from my pocket. I jumped in surprise and reached for it. Renee sat back.

I cleared my throat. "Hello?"

"Hey, Bella."

I almost gasped. "Riley. Hi."

"We need to talk." He didn't sound angry or sad, but absolute.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"When are you free?"

I couldn't cancel on Lucy, and I couldn't refuse Edward because we needed to talk as badly as me and Riley did.

"I have a late lesson today, so I'm free until this evening." There was a pause on the line. "Or we could meet this weekend?"

"No, I can come today. Give me half an hour?"

We got off the phone and relief pulsed hot through my veins. Maybe everything was going to be fine. I had to make a choice just like my mother did. I smiled because I could physically feel my swing starting to slow down.