Wow, you guys are the best! I've had some great feedback from you and it's pretty overwhelming. I'm glad some of you think I'm hitting the nail on the head (so to speak) with Dean's PTSD. To answer your questions, I have done a fair bit of research into PTSD and have tried to take Dean's reactions to situations from the show and incorporate that into how I think his PTSD might manifest, but I don't have any first-hand experience – I do apologise if at any point it doesn't seem quite right, let me know because I don't have a beta and can always re-write if it doesn't seem genuine. I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression so am using some of my own (newly realised) feelings and emotions to help shape Dean. Please keep the feedback coming and enjoy some more Dean and Cas interactions (if you can with this chapter, I'm sorry already).
WARNING: Mentions of 9/11, the war on the Taliban, suicide, brain injury and implied suicide bomber.
Chapter 12
When something sparked Dean Winchester's interest he was like a dog with a bone. In his youth it had been girls - Rhonda Hurley, Cassie Robinson, Lisa Braeden to name a few – which only ended in heartbreak, although more often than not it was Dean's heart being trampled on. As he got older it was the idea of joining the Marines – fighting on the front line for his country, rising through the ranks, just like his daddy – which again ended in pain and heartache. His current focus had turned to his cross-country road trip – he had mentioned the idea to Chuck in a few of his sessions and the therapist agreed that it would most likely help Dean, once he was able to make the trip physically, to gain a sense of closure and aid in the healing process – but with all the planning under his belt, the trip was on the back burner until he could get behind the wheel of his pride and joy and drive off into the sunset. So naturally he needed something else to distract him. Unfortunately that something was not playing ball.
"Old girlfriend?"
"No Dean."
"Boyfriend then?"
Cas let out an annoyed huff. "No Dean."
Driving along in the Colonel's horrific Lincoln Continental, which Dean could only describe as beige in colour, the oldest Winchester tried to piece together everything he knew about Cas, which really wasn't a lot. He liked history, he went to college, he was a retired Colonel and he was slightly older than Dean. It wasn't a lot to go on at all.
Dean crossed his arms across his chest glaring out at the road ahead, frustrated that the other man was giving him nothing.
Cas smirked, the corner of his mouth turning up as he eyed Dean in his peripheral.
"What?"
"Nothing," Cas replied steeling his grin. "Just…"
"Just what?" Dean bit, turning his head to face the driver.
"You're acting like a child, I was just going to ask if you needed a nap." Cas smirked again at the death stare he could feel emanating from the passenger side of the car, he didn't need to glance over to know it would be adorable.
Dean took the opportunity to study Cas for the first time since they'd met. The older man had dark hair flecked with the odd silver streak, which no doubt could be attributed to the years of stress as a Colonel on the front line, his skin was tanned from months spent under the harsh Arabian sun and a few days' worth of stubble lined his angular jaw. The lines on his forehead between his brows spoke of someone who would frown in deep concentration, but the crow's feet around his eyes gave hint to happier times, times when he would laugh and smile. Dean got the feeling that those days were long gone. The dark rings under his eyes only seemed to add to Dean's impression of the tired soldier – did Cas always look this defeated?
"Did you get something to eat at the hospital or do you want to stop somewhere?" Cas interrupted, shocking Dean out of this thoughts.
Dean blushed realising he'd been staring and quickly turned to face the road again.
On receiving no answer Cas quickly glanced over at Dean.
"You know the tips of your ears go pink when you're embarrassed." Cas stated, eyes back on the road as if nothing was amiss.
"Huh? What?" Dean's head whipped to Cas then back to the road again, his brain taking a while to catch up. "Oh, I grabbed a sandwich between sessions."
Cas enjoyed flustered Dean, flustered Dean was amusing. He knew he shouldn't toy with the guy but he was feeling playful after a rather crappy day and they still had roughly fifteen minutes left of the journey back to the Winchester house.
"We should play a game."
"What, like I Spy?"
"No, I was thinking the question game. You ask a question, then I ask a question." Cas explained. "It's an ice breaker."
"Dude, we're not teenagers reading Cosmo for dating advice."
"Fine. I'm thinking of an animal."
"Alright, I'll play your damn question game." Dean threw up his arms, determined not to play twenty questions for the rest of the journey. "New Star Wars or original Star Wars?"
"Original, no contest. What did you want to be when you were a kid?"
"Batman. Then a Marine, like my dad. Cake or pie?"
"Homemade pie. Boxers or briefs?"
"Boxer briefs. Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson?"
"Are you really going to stick to either or questions?"
"Fine, first album you ever bought?"
"Michael Jackson's Thriller, 1983."
"Really?" Dean scoffed.
"I was nine and it topped the billboard chart for most of the year, I was the envy of all my friends. Of which I had two. What's your biggest regret in life?"
"Getting a bit deep aren't we?"
"Just answer the question Winchester."
"Sir, yes sir." Dean muttered. "Joining the Marines. What did you actually do today?"
"I told you, I visited an old friend. We served together in Kosovo in '99 then again during Op Enduring Freedom." Cas replied sadly.
"First ones in?"
"I believe it's my turn to ask a question. What are you most proud of?"
"Sammy. He had a rough patch or two but he turned out alright in the end, got himself through college and law school." Dean's voice hitched slightly. "Cas, is your friend dead?"
"No. No he's not." Cas sighed, maybe it would help to talk to someone he thought. Maybe it would help Dean through his own issues. "Gabe Milton is the only other surviving member of my original team. We were the first ones in, Alpha Company, all hyped up and ready to bring down the Taliban after 9/11. Boys, some of them barely past training. Those first few months took their toll. The enthusiasm didn't last long. Luke put a gun to his head six weeks in. We saw a lot of fucked up stuff but we didn't think… never expected them to use a kid…"
"I'm sorry Cas," Dean whispered.
"Gabe lives in Topeka, at a care home. His sister Anna visits every day; sometimes he knows who she is, sometimes he doesn't." Castiel's eyes were glistening with unshed tears but none fell. "He remembered the captain's name today when I took him to the memorial, found it on the wall. I guess it was a good day."
Dean felt a tear run down his own cheek. Sure he'd seen things, experienced some goddamn awful things, but he still had his mind. That was something to be grateful for.
End note: I'd like to just make a note about Dean in this AU and his approach to women (from the first paragraph). We all know canon Dean gets around and has slept with many, many women (mostly one night stands or very short flings), but I think this is a self-preservation technique brought on by being forced to move around all of the time and a need for affection. Dean in this AU has lived in Lawrence his whole life until joining the Marines and has gotten the affection from his family canon Dean seems to crave so hasn't had to love 'em and leave 'em so to speak. I think both Dean's fall fast and fall hard when they like someone, in this AU Dean has mistaken lust/like for love in past relationships and had his heart broken by women/girls who have used him for his looks (and his car no doubt) – he hasn't experienced love properly. Rest assured, this is a Destiel fic. A long sloooooow burn Destiel fic.
