I feel the tears rolling down my face as I try to calm down. These words, the sadness and the realisation comes in waves, overwhelming me each time. Just when I think I have no more tears left, it crashes down on me again. Just when I think I have gotten myself together to a point I can get up and at least wash my face, another wave of excruciating pain rushes through me.

I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to our children.

My ringing phone rips me out of my heartbreaking state. I pick it up and see my brother-in-law's face smiling at me. Lucas. How the hell am I suppose to break it down to him? I take a deep breath and try to get myself together before I decide to get the call. "Hi." I greet him, hearing my own voice for the first time this morning. It sounds weak and broken.

"We are on our way back and wanted to stop by your house for a quick breakfast since our fridge is still completely empty." He chuckles, but I can't force myself to smile. They were in Swansea for the last two weeks, enjoying the last few sunny days of this year. The triplets are still in France. School trip. They won't be back in a week. I have one week to figure this out. To ease everyone into this. To explain to them that he is - suddenly another wave of tears overwhelms me and I place the phone on my bed upside down as I try to calm down. I take a few deep breaths and refuse to give into the emotions. Not now.

As I have pulled myself back together again I place the phone back next to my ear. "Yeah, come by. But the triplets are still gone so it'll just be me with you guys."

"Troy's at work? It's Sunday." He sounds suspicious. Weekends are for family.

I cover my mouth as I feel the urge to scream in order to ease in the pain in my chest. It takes me a few seconds to calm down, "Yeah. When will you be here?"

"Twenty minutes."

Twenty minutes. I have that time to clean myself up and find a way to break it down to them. Twenty minutes are not enough. "Good. See you then." I hang up before he can respond. I place the phone on my bed and my eyes rest on the letter next to it. I am sorry.

I let out a scream.


I change into a pair of jeans and a simple white shirt. My eyes rest on his side of the dressing room after I turn around. I gulp. His side of our dressing room still looks the same. His suits, his workout clothes, his casual clothes, jeans, shirts, coats, shorts, ties - everything is the same. The items are placed neatly on the walnut shelves, the suits hang on wide walnut hangers, the drawers are still closed and in place. He took nothing with him. There's not a single item that's missing. He left me. It still hasn't settled in.

I put my hair into a ponytail as I hear my phone ringing again. Hopefully, Luc got stuck in traffic. That would give me more time to make a plan. I still have none. I walk over to my bed and see my brother's face. "Just wanted to check in with you. Just landed at Northolt. Thanks for giving me the jet. I needed that me time during this twelve hour flight." My brother starts rambling as always.

"Ry..." I feel all the strength I collected in the last minutes vanish out of the sudden.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" He must have heard it in my voice.

"He's gone." I breathe out, feeling tears rolling down my face. I can't believe these words would ever leave my lips.

"What? Who is gone?" I can hear the car door opening and closing. He must be getting into a limousine.

"Troy left me." I shrug as if he could see me.

"Wait, what?!" Ryan sounds shocked.

I shake my head as if that would stop the tears from falling and the pain from increasing. "He left me..." I inhale as I start shaking. "He left me a letter." I finish my sentence.

"I'll be there in thirty minutes." He promises me. "Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?"

"I have..." I start sobbing again. It takes me a minute to get myself together. "Luc, Miley and Liam are coming in five minutes."

"They know?"

I am about to break down in tears again, so I inhale deeply. "No."

"Okay... do you want me to bring you anything? Tequila? Scotch? Vodka?"

I don't even think alcohol would ease my heartache. Nothing ever will. "No." I say as the bell rings, "They are here." I say before hanging up. I leave the phone and letter on the bed before I rush downstairs. I don't look at my reflection as I pass a mirror. I know my pain is written all over my face. They will know the moment they see me. They will know something is wrong. I rush down the staircase, passing our gallery wall. Memories of trips to all over the world are hanging there. And now he left us.

I open the door and feel tiny arms wrapping around me a second later. "Gabi!"

I embrace Liam as well and force myself to smile, "Hey there big boy. How was Swansea?"

"So cool!" He says before releasing me from his embrace, "Where are Nate, Jo and Rory?"

"Still in France." I answer as I watch him walking inside.

"I have the trampoline all for myself then?" He grins at me.

I nod, "Go ahead. No sharing this time."

"Yes!" With that I watch him running through the foyer and outside to where the trampoline is. I keep my back on his parents on purpose for a little longer. How can I explain a situation I don't even understand myself?

"I hope you don't mind us crashing in." Miley breathes out as I hear the front door shutting behind me. I feel a wave of pain rushing through my system and I try very hard to not start crying. But my lips can't form any words, so I shake my head instead.

"Okay, cool. You didn't make anything for breakfast in those twenty minutes, did you?" I hear Miley asking me.

I shake my head again, my eyes focused on the backyard. We built this house for our children. We built this life for our children. He fucking promised me forever! And then he took off! My hands start shaking from pain and anger at the same time. I knot them together. I can't even keep myself together in front of my brother and sister in law, how the fuck am I going to break this down to our very own flesh and blood?!

"Okay," Luc claps into his head, "I'll get started then."

He sounds just like his older brother. I can't help but sob. Fuck.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Miley asks, concern written all over her voice.

I slowly dare to turn around, revealing the emotional stage I am in.

I watch Miley's and Luc's expression change as they see a glimpse of the emotional damage he has left me with.

"Have you guys had a fight?" His green eyes are full of worry and anger.

I shake my head, "He left."

"He what?!" Miley asks shocked.

I shrug, "He left us." I feel tears rolling down my face as Miley's arms embrace me. I sob heavily into her blouse, allowing some emotions to release its strength as I don't have the power to hold them in anymore. For minutes we just stand there as I feel wave after wave of excruciating heartbreak rush through me. Just when I think I have enough strength to talk, another wave hits me mercilessly. It feels like drowning. Her hand starts rubbing my back, but I barely feel it. All I feel is the pain he left me with. The excruciating pain. It's horrible. It breaks me apart.

"Honey," for the first time Miley's voice breaks through my heavy crying and sobbing.

I slowly lift my head and stare into her bright blue eyes. She's in pain as well. Because he left me. He left me...

"I guess you haven't eaten anything as well. How about we get to that now?"

I nod before I let go of her body. I follow her through the hallway and into the kitchen. Lucas has taken advantage of our kitchen, using the whole space. There is flour all over the marbled kitchen island, dirty dishes are stacking in the sink and the oven is on. The pans are on as well. He's cooking eggs and pancakes in the oven. There are fresh fruit cut in bowls on the kitchen island. It's so much for my eyes to recognise properly. For a moment I think my husband made all of this. He's just as efficient as his younger brother, maybe even more. But he would have kept the kitchen clean and tidy. And not as messy as his younger brother did.

"Sit down." Miley orders before giving Luc a look. "Coffee?"

I nod and watch Lucas getting out three mugs. I am a freaking mess. I don't know how to function without him. "Take out four. Ryan is coming as well." I breathe out. It's the first sentence I managed to say after they found out he left us.

"Okay." Luc whispers before filling three out of four with coffee. Miles gets out the milk and fills two cups up with a little milk. I drink mine black. Just like my husband. Fuck, the tears start coming back within a second.

I watch her walking over to me, carrying two mugs. She places one in front of me, "Here."

I nod and take a sip. I don't even appreciate the taste of these Hawaiian bones.

"What happened?" Miley asks slowly.

I shrug, "I don't know."

"Did you had a fight?" Luc asks as he turns over the eggs in the pan.

I shake my head, "No. We had a great weekend..." I trail off. It was filled with togetherness, lots of sex and love and - fuck, this was his goodbye-sex.

"What?" Miley asks me with concern.

"He planned this." I breathe out. He chose this weekend on purpose! He wanted us to have a week for ourselves before leaving! How dare he do that to us!

"What do you mean?"

"He..." I sigh, there's no other way to say this. "He fucked me senseless last night. We had a lot of sex during this week as the triplets were gone, but last night was... we didn't slept." I frown, "I mean, I must have fallen asleep at some point and he took advantage of that. I didn't hear him getting out of bed, grabbing his stuff and leaving."

"Then how do you know he really left? Maybe-"

"He left me a letter. It said that he was sorry. He never wrote me a letter. And he would never apologise to me in that way. Unless he was for real. Unless he would do something unforgivable." I explain, shaking my head. "My God, how could I have been so blind?!"

"Were there no clues?" Miley asks softly.

"No!" I say looking at her. "There was no secrecy between us. I mean, I thought that. We went through this shit again and again... I have no idea why he left. Or where he went to."

"Have you tried calling him?"

"No, but I know he won't answer."

Luc gets his iPhone out of his jeans and starts calling his number. "The number is not assigned." he breathes out shocked.

"What?" Miley asks him shocked. "He threw his iPhone away?"

"SIM Card."

"Whatever!" she waves with her hand.

Somehow that doesn't surprise me. I brush through my hair, "God, how am I suppose to explain that to our children?!"

"Okay, you need to eat something before we start making a plan." Luc says, getting out plates before placing the omelettes on it.

"I have a week to figure this all out." I breathe out in shock, "A week to get myself together. I have-"

"Us." Luc interrupts me as he places the plate with the omelette in front of me along with a knife and fork. "Eat." He demands.

God, sometimes he is so much like his older brother that it scares me. "I don't know what to do..."

"You eat that omelette. We're going to figure this out." Miley explains as I can hear the bell ringing and rise from the barstool. "You eat, I get the door." She orders before leaving me and Luc in the kitchen.

I look at him as he looks at the oven. "Lucas," I start but stop as he turns around.

"We will find him. And I will drag him back here personally." He promises me. "In one piece so you can rip him the hell apart however you want."


I fill the glass up with scotch, needing to numb the heartache at least for a few seconds with the strong alcohol.

"That's your fourth." I hear my brother's voice saying to me.

I twist my upper body and see him standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "And it won't be my last." I say before picking up the glass and having a big gulp. The amber coloured liquid burns all the way down my throat and into my stomach. I will have a serious hangover tomorrow because I barely ate the omelette for breakfast and I didn't touch my salad for lunch - I skipped dinner.

"Getting drunk is not going to help you." He says, slowly walking over to me. Luc and Liam left a while ago, but Kelsi, Miley and Ry choose to stay. I don't know why, I am broken with or without them. It doesn't change the fact that he left us. It doesn't change the fact that I'm getting drunk like never before. It doesn't change anything.

"Feeling this burn is better than feeling this heartache, Ry. For five seconds, I feel that burn and not this heartache and as long as I can have that - I'll choose it over and over again." I say into my brother's blue eyes.

He sighs before bringing the bottle to his lips and having a strong gulp as well. "Alright, I'm giving you today to get drunk and roll yourself in this heartache, but tomorrow you will be the strong woman I know you are."

"I am not strong."

"You survived worse than this." He stares at me with hostility. "You survived domestic abuse, you survived rape, you survived kidnapping - you survived all the shit that's been thrown at you, Gabriella! Don't let him break you! Don't let him tear you apart. You are stronger than any of us combined. You stand up with your head high and-" I raise my hand to make him stop.

"If I needed a pep talk I'd go to Miley." I say before taking another sip. "I am not in the fucking mood for your shit, Ry. Drink with me or get out of my sight!" I hiss at him, taking the bottle out of his hands.

He sighs before opening the cupboard next to me and getting out a scotch glass as well. I pour in the amber liquor, "Right choice."

"I swear, Gabriella-"

"No talking. Just drinking." I interrupt him before finishing my glass already. I pour myself another drink, seeing that the bottle is almost empty. I finished the whole bottle by myself. "That's not going to be enough." I want to drink until everything starts spinning, until I faint and have a blackout about what happened. I want to forget just for the next few hours.

"No, it is."

I gaze at Ry, "Ry," I hiss at him.

"I'll get you another bottle from his study." I hear Kelsi's sweet voice. I look behind Ry and notice her petite figure standing at the kitchen island. "But I need you to fetch me another two glasses. Miley and me are drinking with you as well."

I nod, "That's sisterhood!" I say before looking at Ryan.

He turns around and stares at Kelsi, who shrugs in response.

"Just pretend to be in her shoes for a split second and you want to empty the whole wine cellar down there." She says to him before turning around and walking down the hallway to his study.

I get out two more glasses and pick the bottle up before walking into the living room. Surprisingly, the alcohol doesn't affect me yet. I don't feel hot or walk wobbly. I feel normal. Shit, this is going to take a lot more effort than I thought it would.

I let myself fall on the couch before placing the two crystal glasses on the coffee table. Ryan sits down next to me, placing our glasses on the coffee table. Miley joins us from outside. She places her phone facedown on the coffee table before sitting next to me. "I'm staying here for this week."

I furrow my eyebrows at her words. "What?"

"We're staying as well." I hear Kelsi saying as she comes back with a full bottle of scotch.

"No, guys, you are not staying."

"Yes, we are. Someone has to make sure you don't choke on your vomit tomorrow morning. Someone has to hold your hair back when you vomit. Someone has to make sure you don't continue drinking for the whole week. Someone has to make sure you eat something other than coffee and scotch. Someone has to make sure you don't kill yourself, Gabi!" Ryan hisses at me before grabbing my hand.

I feel him squeezing my hand, "I didn't thought of suicide."

"Don't lie to us. We know you. We saw the love between you guys from the very first moment you laid eyes on each other. We watched it grow, we watched it flourish, we watched it shatter you... we saw it destroy you." Kelsi opens the scotch bottle before pouring herself and Miley a drink.

"We'll be your parents for this week, so you can be one for your children when we're gone. I understand you need to let yourself suffer for a moment and we're here with you. We're your safety net. We're suffering with you." Miley says and takes a gulp of her scotch. She makes a grimace as the burn floats through her body. "And tonight we're drinking with you."


"Someone has to tell Diana." I slur, pointing at Miley. "Your husband should do that. She likes him more than me."

"He's her son." Kelsi slurs back, being somehow the most sober out of the four of us.

"That woman is going to freak out." Ry sings.

"That's why Luc has to do that. Maybe that way we can avoid a nervous breakdown..."

Kelsi shakes her head, "There's no way to avoid that."

"Luc wants another baby." Miley's drunken voice fills my ears before she takes another gulp out of the Tuscany red wine bottle, "A bambina." She stares at the label that shows the Tuscany countryside. It's the fourth or fifth bottle we share together. We're leaning against the glass facade in the living room, because I couldn't take staring at our fucking picture perfect garden any more.

"I'm so glad we don't have any children. It's never been a topic with us!" Ry places his hand on his wife who nods.

"Do you want another one? A bambina?" I ask before taking the bottle out of her hand. That wine tastes even better than our French one does.

Miley shakes her head, "Liam is already enough to handle. I mean all these water polo matches, parties, sleepovers, parents-teacher conferences..." she shivers, "And all of that again? Let alone the pregnancy, it nearly ruined my career the last time!"

"You could adopt."

Miley rises her forefinger at me, "Don't plant that idea into his head. I barely got the bambina-wish out of there. No more bambinas and bambinos for us."

"I totally understand." Kelsi nods before taking the wine bottle out of my hands. "That one is empty."

"I'll get another one." Ryan gets up from the floor in the living room.

"The wine fridge is empty. You have to go downstairs."

Ryan nods, "If I'm not up here in five minutes, will someone come look for me?"

"Absolutely not!" Miley shakes her head with a giggle.

My brother waves with his hand before disappearing in the hallway. His walk is a little shaky, or maybe my head is already staring to spin. I have lost count of how much I have already drunken.

I stare at the Monet that's hanging underneath the gallery. It is my husband's favourite painting. To me, there are just water lilies. I bought it for him. I don't even like water lilies that much. "What do I do with it?" I ask, nodding towards the painting.

My best friends look up and stare at Monet's water lilies for a few minutes. They do have something mesmerising. Especially when they start tripling in quantity.

"Burn it." Miley suggests.

"Sell it." Kelsi says.

"Spray graffiti on it." Miley grins at me.

I let out a sigh, "I won't destroy it and I won't sell it. Della loves this painting. I'll probably let it hang there and collect some more dust." I growl, "I hate him! He left me with that stupid panting!"

"Give it to Della."

"Maybe..."

"I'm working on that amazing script right now." Miley starts babbling, "Boss Lady. That's the title of the first book. There are nine in total." She opened a film production company a few years ago and already had some huge hits in the theatre and on tv. Unlike me, she didn't hesitate to join Bolton's Enterprises. She even committed to the Bolton family so much that named her firm Bolton productions.

"Do you want to turn it into a movie?"

"Maybe a TV series. Nine movies would be too much to sell and I don't want to cut out too much otherwise the whole charm of this book gets lost." She shrugs, "We already started with the casting process. We found the male lead role but not the female."

"What's the book about?"

"Two fucked up souls caged in the New Yorker society."

I laugh, "Story of my freaking life."

"The main male character Diesel is after one of Tatum Titan's firms. But she won't sell."

"You sure Gabi didn't write this?" Kelsi asks grinning.

"They are both alpha billionaires and start having a sexual relationship. Eventually after some back and forth."

"Sounds interesting."

"There're lots of sex scenes. I think this could go as viral as Fifty Shades once did. I mean the internet is full of good reviews!"

"Even better. Sex sells after all." Ryan answers as he comes back with two bottles of Chardonnay. "Hope these are alright."

"You didn't get lost!" Kelsi grins at him, "First time in twenty two years."

He sits down next to her and opens the first bottle with a cork screw. "Who plays the female lead role?"

"I kind of want to do it." Miley says with a shrug, "I mean, I nearly signed Amber Heard for it but then thought it over. I want to do it."

"You're sure?" I ask her slowly.

"What's there to not be sure about? She's freaking hot!" Ryan start arguing.

"Yeah, but she's also a thirty nine year old mother of a thirteen year old. She is not twenty anymore!" I hiss back at him.

"Does Luc know?" Kelsi asks her.

Miley shakes her blonde head, "No, all his thoughts were focused on a bambina." She sighs, "Perhaps I should just cut my tubes in secret."

"Not a good idea." Ryan says.

"The tube cutting?" I ask him.

"No, the secret." Ryan rolls his eyes at me before looking at Miley, "Listen, talk to him about this project you want to do. I mean, he's going to have to be okay with the whole world seeing you nude."

"I won't be fully nude on camera."

"I know that, but the world is going to think that thanks to the cutting and special effects. You're basically going to have simulated sex on camera - multiple times. Keep that in mind."

"And Liam is already thirteen that means by the time the first movie or episode will come out he's going to be fourteen and get his hands on that material somehow. At the latest with fifteen he's going to see his mother having sex in front of a camera with a stranger she claims to love. It's basically soft porn."

"It's not soft porn. It's called erotic movie." Ryan argues.

"Or TV series." Kelsi adds.

"My point is, do you really want to do this to him? I mean the whole world will see you this way, which you clearly don't give a fuck. But Liam? Nate? The twins? Our family?"

"Oh, come on! We're all professionals around here. We know how this business works. We've been in this business for twenty years! Sex sells, that's how it has been and that's how it always will be."

"And I'm not saying it doesn't work or that it won't have any success. I'm sure it will go viral, but maybe you should have your name on it as a production company, a producer or director... but not your face in front of the camera."

Miley growls, "You talked me out of this." She narrows her eyes at me. "You're no fun!"

"I'm just being reasonable here."

"The reasonable mother? No, we agreed to leave her out of this tonight. We agreed to get totally recklessly drunk tonight."

"I can't help it." I say with a shrug, "I'm a mom after all."

"A mom of five." Ry narrows his sky blue orbs at me.

"There's no way I will have another child." Miley takes a gulp out of the Chardonnay bottle. "I'm choosing my career over bambinas and I don't feel ashamed about it!"

"Amen, baby!"


I stop in the doorway of our bedroom - of my bedroom. I feel chills going down my spine and I wince several times as the memory from this morning hits me again. Only yesterday we were fucking in that bed before making slow pricking love - the whole night. Or so I thought.

Shit, I thought the alcohol would help me forget. My lower lip starts trembling and I inhale deeply to calm down. Fuck, I can't sleep here anymore!

I walk into the the room, still smelling his smell, hearing his laughters and seeing his crystal blue eyes. I lay down on the bed and roll into a ball as the pain suddenly hits me again. I start sobbing, crying into the sheets that he has left almost 24 hours ago. How could he do this to me! How could he do this to our family! Our children!

I miss him so badly already because I know this was infinite. He left without saying goodbye, without a warning - and he left without having the intention to come back. I inhale with a shaky breath, already missing the way his weight made the mattress sink in. I can't be without him! Our children can't be without their Daddy! How is this suppose to work? How am I suppose to ease them into this mess he left me with?

Suddenly, I feel slender arms embracing me from behind as Miley spoons me in. She rests her chin on my shoulder, not having any words on her tongue as well. I cry through the pain, hoping it would decrease with the tears that escape my eyes. But it doesn't. Instead it gets stronger and stronger, until it almost rips me apart. I start crying harder, not having the strength to show any positive or even neutral emotion. Miley brushes though my hair, trying to calm me down her way. But it doesn't help. Nothing will help me. Nothing will heal me. I am a wreck. I am broken beyond repair.

The bed shifts again and I focus my gaze to what's in front of me. Kelsi crawls on the bed before laying across me, her bright blue eyes are filled with tears as well. I know she wants to ease my pain, they both do, but they can't. She hugs me tightly from the front, trying to be the same protection shield as Miley. But they can't protect me from this heartache.

From this fucking heartache.


I wince as the loud sounds of my Blendtec blender fills my ear drums, nearly crushing them. The headache in my head is so strong that it feels like my head's going to explode, shattering my skull in a thousand pieces.

Shit, I am hungover.

I see Miley standing across the blender, Kelsi and Ry at the kitchen island. They are already having their morning coffee. I stare at the clock that's hanging above the round arch that leads to the dinning room. It's already eleven thirty. And I feel like shit.

I cover my ears before I walk down the staircase that leads into the kitchen.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Miley greets me with a smile as the blender finishes blending. "I made us a hungover smoothie." She starts pouring the liquid into four crystal glasses.

"You look like shit." Ry says as I reach the kitchen island.

I growl before sitting down on a bar stool next to his wife. "I feel like shit."

"Not for long." Miley places the glass in front of me.

"What's in there, Mils?" Kelsi asks her with an arched eyebrow.

"You guys better not know. Drink up." She says before taking a sip of the green, brownish liquid. "It'll help us all."

Ryan stares at his wife, "Cheers."

I don't touch my glass. I feel too sick to drink anything.

"Drink, Gabi."

I shake my head, "This won't help." I stare at the glass.

"It'll ease the pain in your head."

I look up at Miley, "But it won't ease the pain in my heart."

"No..." she whispers, "I think only time will help."

"Not even time will heal the tremendous ache." I say before lifting the glass. I take a sip, surprised it doesn't taste as bad as it looks like. In fact, it doesn't even taste bad at all.

"No more whining. I gave you yesterday to roll yourself in heartbreak and self pity." Ryan says to me, "Today, you will call your daughters and tell them about what happened. We will figure out a plan on how to ease them in. We will figure out how to break it down to the little ones as well. I'll call Krimov and have him come over-"

"No." I interrupt him. "I don't want to tell them yet."

"Gabi, you have to. Sooner or later they will find out. I suggest you tell the big girls first and the triplets after you picked them up from the airport." Kelsi says to me.

"Troy promised to pick them up. They will know something's up right away." My children aren't stupid.

"Gabriella, it's either sink or swim and you will fucking swim! You will not let him break you, do you hear me?!" Ryan says to me, his bright blue orbs serious. "You will swim."

I inhale deeply with a shaking breath.

"Say it."

"I-I will s-swim." I breathe out with tears in my eyes. Miley, Kelsi and Ry all grab my hand and nod.

"You will fucking swim." They promise me the unbelievable.


I hear the ring on the other end of the line and bite my lip. I'm not sure if I want her to pick up or not. But I have to inform my older daughters about their father leaving us. I have to.

"Mom, I'm kind of in a rush." I hear Ana's voice as she picks up. "I have to turn in the assignment and work on my article for the law review newspaper. I have my lunch break for that. Plus I have to eat something somewhere in between. Can I call you back?"

I exhale, "Yeah, sure. Call me whenever you have time. But please do call me back."

She hangs up without saying a word. I stare at the display for a moment before deciding to call Della. She picks up after the first ring. "Do you have a minute?" I ask her in a whisper. I have no idea how to tell her. She'll hate me. They all will.

I hear the chair cracking as she leans back, "As a matter of fact I do. What's up?"

I take a deep breath and feel a huge knot in my stomach. I can't tell her. "I..."

"Mom, what is wrong?"

Everything. Everything is fucking wrong! "N-nothing." I whisper.

"I know when you're lying. I can hear it in the tone of your voice. Spill it out."

"Your father has left me." I say in one breath.

"What?!" She sounds as shocked as I still feel.

I let my gaze wander through the backyard, seeing the infinity pool, the rose garden and the barbecue area. "He left me. Three days ago."

"What do you mean he left?"

"He just left."

"No, he couldn't have just left. Did you guys fight?"

"No."

"Was there a discussion in which you didn't agree?" She asks me again. "I mean sometimes I have apparently fights I didn't even know I had!"

"Adaline, we didn't fight. There was no bad blood between us. In fact we had a really nice week and enjoyed the empty house."

"But why did he leave then?!"

"I don't know. There was a letter on the bed when I woke up. It said that he was sorry."

"That's it?"

"That's it." I hear her picking up the keys before a door shuts. "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming over. I mean that's what an empathetic person would do. Hug you, tell you comforting words..." she trails off.

For the first time in three days I feel my heart beating in my chest. "Della," I don't know what to say as I feel the tears building in my eyes and my throat tightening.

"I'm coming over whether you like it or not. It's my free day and I choose to spend it with you." I hear a car door closing. She starts the engine. "Did you already inform Ana?"

"She's busy. Told me she'll call me back." I can hear her driving down the streets of London.

"My uncles and aunts?"

"They know."

"I assume the triplets don't know yet."

"No. I haven't figured out how to break it down for them."

She chuckles on the other end of the line. "Who knew that my low EQ would be a blessing for once?"

"Della, it's not like you feel nothing."

"Oh, I'm feeling a lot right now. I just refuse myself to give into it. I can choose between allowing myself to feel or not."

I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. "Adaline..."

"I'll be there in ten minutes." She hangs up.

She's incredible in her very unique way.


"Mom," I turn around at the sound of my oldest daughter. Her chestnut coloured curls are a mess, her navy blue eyes are covered in a thin film of tears. The twenty minute drive from Kensington to Richmond must have given her enough time to analyse our conversation earlier. She runs into my arms and I embrace her tightly.

"Della..." I whisper. I feel her shaking in my embrace, feel how the emotions start getting the best of her. I inhale deeply, trying to be the strong one, the parent really. I am fucking swimming and not sinking.

"Is he... is he really gone?" She sniffs before looking at me.

I feel my heart cracking, "Yes." My heart shatters into a million pieces and I feel a kind of pain I have never felt before. It's even worse than when I found out he left us - and I have to feel that four other times.

"But... but why?"

"I don't know. I wish I did."

"There has to be a reason!"

I wipe away the tears that start rolling down her cheeks. "I'm sure he has one, but he didn't tell me. I woke up with a letter from him saying he's sorry. Nothing more."

"And you really didn't fight?"

I shake my head, "No."

"Are you sure? Maybe you didn't notice it like I sometimes do."

"There was absolutely no fight, no disagreement - nothing."

She sighs, "But Daddy wouldn't do this to us. He wouldn't just leave from one day to another, totally out of the blue."

"Except he did."


I open the safe in his study, hoping to see a sign of why he left. But all I see is loose papers and two folders. I know what these contains: our prenup, trust fonds we opened for our children, buyer contracts of the real estates we bought and a twenty year old signed paper to make me Co-CEO of Bolton's Enterprises. He always wanted me to join him and Luc, to make Unfaithful Records a family company under their umbrella. But I refused to give up my little piece of independence. I still do. I shut the safe. Nothing new. Damn it.

I sigh before brushing through my hair. I need a reason for this. I have to find a reason! Not just for me - but for our five children. They deserve to hear a reason! They deserve to know!

I start scanning his mahogany desk but there's just bills, drafts and statistics on it. Nothing I haven't seen before as well.

He can't have left us without a reason.

But he did.

I pick up my phone and start dialling a number that could be my only help now. I press the green button and hear the phone ringing.

"Hello?" The heavy Russian accent of my former bodyguard fills my ears.

"I need your whole team to help me find someone." I breathe out without greeting him.

I can his chair crackling as he leans back, "Who do you want me to find?"

"My husband."


I stare at the red tomato soup with a dollop of coconut yoghurt. I feel so numb, so... hallow that I can't even eat the fucking soup my daughter - my daughter - made me.

"Eat." Adaline demands, sitting next to me at the kitchen island. "Or I will force feed you. With a tube that's going to go into your nose." She hisses at me as I don't move. She hasn't left my side ever since I told her. I know she's hurt as well, I know she misses him just as much as I do... but I can't force myself to be the mother she needs to have right now. It's been only three days.

I pick up the spoon full of tomato soup and wince as I hear my cellphone ringing on the kitchen counter. For a second I fear it's Ana, she hasn't called me back yet and I have no idea how to tell her. I lower the spoon back into the bowl and take a peak at the screen. It's Valentina, my nanny. She has been home in Italy for the last week and a half, because we didn't need her while the triplets were on the school trip.

I pick up, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Bolton, hi. How are you?"

I rise from the bar stool, "O-okay." I force that word out of my mouth, knowing it's probably one of the biggest lies I ever told.

"That's good... it's good. I don't really know how to say this..." she trails off.

I walk over to the sink, having a clear view of our backyard through the window above it. The fucking backyard of my dreams, of our dreams, for our children. "Spill it out."

"My mother's sick. She's in the hospital."

"You want to stay longer in Italy."

"Yes."

"Until she's better."

"Or until she's buried." She answers back.

Shit, it's bad. "How long?"

"What?"

"How much time do you need? Are we talking about a month? Two? Six?"

"A year." She whispers. "Maybe two."

I close my eyes, I just lost my husband and now I'm losing my nanny as well. Hell is breaking down upon me and all I can do is open my arms and greet it with a fucking smile on my lips. "Good. Take as long as you need. I won't go into the guesthouse. It will stay yours until you return. Mail me a list of things you need and I'll send it over."

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Bolton."

"Don't thank me. Family is the most important thing in life, Valentina." My husband has clearly forgotten that.

"Alright. I'll get in touch whenever I have some news." With that she hangs up.

I place the phone next to the sink and take another look at the backyard. We built a fucking dream house for our fucking dream family. And now there's nothing left.

I vomit into the sink.


I empty the glass, finishing the scotch I poured into it. It's still noon, but I don't give a fuck about time. I am sitting behind the mahogany desk in husband's study. This is going to be one of the hardest phone calls I ever had to make - fuck that, it is the hardest. Della offered me to slowly tell Ana, but I refused. I am her mother and I have to break it down to her. I run my fingers over the rim of the glass before I pick up my iPhone.

"Gabriella," I hear Jake, Ana's boyfriend, greet me.

"Jake," I breathe out, "Are you going to see Ana today?"

"Yeah, I'm leaving at around six."

I look at the watch that's hanging above the mantelpiece of his marbled fireplace. It's only three. If I drive over to Oxford now, I can be there at about seven thirty maybe six considering the traffic. I rise from the armchair. "I need you to come by her place at seven sharp. Not a minute earlier." I say as I rush out of his study.

"Okay..."

"Be prepared for her being very upset. I have some really bad news but I don't want to tell you before telling her."

"I understand. I will do my best to comfort her."

"Get her favourite pizza, chocolate and ice cream. Lots of it. And maybe a bottle of scotch or bourbon..." I frown, did I really give him permission to get my daughter drunk tonight?

"Ana's not much of a drinker. She prefers non alcoholic drinks."

"That's good..." I stop as I see Adaline staring at the Monet painting that's hanging underneath the gallery in our living room. "Seven sharp." I say and hang up without waiting for his response. I walk over to her, seeing the sadness in her navy orbs. Water lilies is his favourite painting and I got it for him for our first Christmas together, that we didn't even spend together because I fucked up by fucking Luc... I shake my head, trying to erase the sad memory that's sticking to this painting. But he loves it and Della does as well. "Hi." I greet her with a soft smile on my lips before wrapping my arm around her slender figure.

"Hi." She says back, still staring at the painting. "I can't believe he's really gone."

"I know..." My heart still aches like he left yesterday when it really has been four days. "I want to drive over to Oxford. To tell Ana." Or rather break her heart. "Do you want to come along?"

She shakes her head, "But I probably should since you won't be able to drive home after telling her." She knows me too well.

"We can take the Ferrari if you want to." I say with a shrug.

She nods, "I always loved that car."


Adaline parks the white Ferrari in front of the semi detached luxury Victorian house that's Ana's home in Oxford. The other parking space is occupied by Ana's silver Tesla. Hopefully she's home. I know she barely uses the car within Oxford as everything is in walking distance. Located in the Golden Triangle of North Oxford the house is situated within a short walk of the campus and within cycling distance of both Oxford rail station and Oxford Parkway rail station, making it ideal for commuters. Within walking distance of highly-acclaimed restaurants and beautiful walks through the University Parks. The Cherwell River is just a few minutes away from the house.

"Do you want me wait here?" Della's navy orbs stare at me.

I shake my head, "Don't be ridiculous."

"Okay." She says before we both get out of the car. Suddenly, the lights in the sitting area in front of the round window gets turned on. "She's home."

I nod before walking over to the front door. I ring the bell and wait for her to open it. Shit, my pulse is racing. Della grabs my hand and squeeze it, showing me a side of her I have never seen. She's never been as empathetic as she is right now.

A few seconds later Ana opens the door, wearing grey leggings and a black long sleeve lululemon shirt. Her blonde hair is up in a ballerina bun and her earlobes are glittering from the diamond stud earrings she's wearing. Her forest green eyes widen as she sees me, "Mom, Della! What are you doing here?" She asks us surprised before pulling us into a hug.

"Can't I visit my sister?" Della asks back with a smile on her lips.

Ana lets go of us, "You came here with Dad's car. Does he know?" Ana asks her older sister suspiciously.

"Don't worry, we used it with his consent." Della says before walking into the house. "Don't tell me you were just about to do yoga." Her navy orbs stare into the living room.

I follow her inside and see the light blue lululemon yoga mat spread on the oak hardwood floor. Shit, she was just about to find her inner peace and now I'm here to fucking break her heart.

"Ah, don't worry. I'll just do that later." Ana waves with her hand as Della and me get seated on the navy velvet couch in the beige room that's getting floated by sunlight. My green eyed daughter shuts the front door before following us into the living room. Ana sits down cross legged across us in a light grey armchair. She's not wearing a drop of makeup, allowing me to see every single one of her freckles that are sprinkled on her nose and both cheeks. She looks so radiant, so happy - and I will fucking break her heart in a few minutes. "Do you want anything to drink?" She asks us.

"Yeah, sure I could do with-" I stop Della by placing my hand on hers.

"No, we're fine, Sweetie."

"Okay... why are you here?"

"How are you and Jake?" I ask her back instead. I should lift her mood, allow her body to create some endorphins before I will make her feel miserable for days, weeks, months and maybe even years. Shit, she's going to hate me!

"We're doing very well, but I'm sure that's not why you guys came here for. Especially not Della."

"Hey, I am happy for you and Jake. For the record."

Ana looks at me, "Mom,"

I look down at my knotted fingers. Shit, I can't do this. I inhale deeply, "Ana, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

"Are you sick?" Ana's voice breaks and I look up, feeling my heart cracking already.

"No, no I am not sick." I ensure her.

"Is Dad sick?"

"We don't know that."

"Della!" I hiss at her, staring at her navy orbs.

"What? It's the truth. Maybe he is. Maybe that's why he left you."

"No, he's not sick. I would have known." I say and frown. He looked healthy when I last saw him. In fact, he was glowing with that after-sex glow. He was fucking glowing! He is not sick. Definitely not sick.

"Not if there's a tumour-"

"Dad has left you?" Ana's high voice interrupts her older sister. Our heads swing around and I stare into her glassy bright green orbs. Oh shit! No!

I rise from the couch and rush over to her as she starts sobbing.

"He left?" She asks as I embrace her, holding her tightly to my chest. She's crying her heart out. I broke her heart because he broke mine. Gosh and I have to do this three more times!

"Yes." Della says, looking at us from the couch.

"When?"

"Four days ago." I answer with a sad smile on my lips.

She lifts her head off of my chest and looks at her big sister, "How long do you know?"

"A day. I found out about it yesterday."

"You didn't call me back so I decided to drive up here and tell you in person."

Ana's puffy eyes look at me, "What, you were going to tell me over the phone?"

I shrug, maybe it wasn't the best idea.

"Don't worry, she told me over the phone and I am fine." Della says to her.

Ana's head swings around, "Fine?! You are not fucking FINE, ADALINE!" She yells at her before getting up from the armchair. "He is fucking gone! He fucking left us! You are not fine!" She hisses at her, looking like she wants to strangle her.

"Ana," I breathe out.

Her head swings back and her green eyes scare me for the first time. "You! What the hell did you do, Mom?! Why did he leave you?! Did you guys argue?"

"I-"

"No, you didn't argue. You guys never argue." She opens the ballerina bun on top of her head, letting her blonde waves come loose. "Does he have an affair?"

"No, he's too much in love with her." Della answers, completing ignoring me with her sister.

"True." Ana says, shaking her head. "So, they didn't fight, he doesn't have an affair, he is not sick... why did he leave her then? For business?"

Della shakes her head as Ana sits down next to her. "No, he wouldn't take off, leaving a letter saying he's sorry. Besides, he wouldn't even be gone for more than an hour without calling Mom or one of us. He always lets us know where he is."

I let myself fall into the armchair as I stare at my two oldest daughters. They're picking each other's brains like I had been for the past four days.

"Bet you want a drink now. Do you have gin?" Della asks her.

Ana shakes her head, "No, this is an alcohol free house."

Della's mouth falls open, "You're kidding!"

"No." Ana says, "But I have kombucha."

"What the fuck is that?"

"It's a sparkling drink. Kind of like champagne."

"No, I need alcohol."

"With your history, you shouldn't be drinking at all."

"I thought we all agreed that I wasn't a drug addict - any kind of drug."

"Well, the world thinks-"

"The world is not here. It's just you and me and Mom. So where's the scotch?"

"I don't have any."

"You've got to be joking me."

"No, I'm serious."

"Then we should head to a pub and get drunk there."

"Della, no if just one student snaps a photos of us-"

Della lets out a growl.

"Jake's coming over with Scotch. Or Bourbon. Or wine, I don't know."

"How do you know?"

"I don't."

"No, how do you know he's coming over?" Ana asks me again.

"I called him."

"What?! I thought we agreed that you keep your nose out of my relationship, Mom! You are fucking unbelievable!"

"Hey, cut her some slack."

"I called him to comfort you. I already guessed that you'd be very upset about your Dad leaving us so I thought he could be your shoulder to cry on." I explain softly as the door unlocks.

"He has a key?!" Della asks her younger sister shocked.

"Don't look at me so shocked, of course he has a key!" Ana says before rising from the couch and rushing down the hallway.

"He has a key!" Della breathes out shocked at me.

I chuckle, "They love each other."

"I know, but he has a key! They're practically living together!"

The smell of pizza starts filling my nostrils, "And he brought pizza."

Jake appears in the doorway, dressed in a simple pair of jeans and a white Oxford shirt, with two plastic bags and three pizza boxes. "The pizzas, the ice cream..." he places the pizzas on the coffee table between us before holding up one plastic bag, "Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup as well as Häagen-Dasz Belgium chocolate ice cream. Plus a strawberry version." He explains.

"I'll get us some spoons." Ana says before turning around to walk into the basement where the marbled open kitchen is.

"Did you brought some booze?" Della asks him.

He nods and holds up the other bag, "A 1865 old scotch and a 1967 old bourbon."

"Perfect."

"I'll get some glasses-"

"Oh, no need, we'll just drink from the bottle." Della says, getting the bag from him.

"What happened?" Jake asks us, sitting down cross legged on the floor in front of the coffee table.

"Daddy left us." Della explains, opening a pizza box filled with a simple salami pizza. She gets out a slice and starts eating it like she didn't just drop a major bomb on him.

Jake furrows his perfectly dark brown eyebrows before looking at me with his light green orbs. "What?"

"Give me a slice." I say to Della, waving with my hand. My oldest daughter picks up another slice and hands it over to me. "She's right."

Jake stares at me in disbelief, "No, no, he couldn't-"

"But he did. Four days ago. I told Della yesterday." I bite into my pizza.

"And Ana?"

"Right now." Della says while munching on her slice.

"But..."

"Why? I don't know."

"No, but how can you guys sit here and eat pizza like nothing happened at all?" He asks us both.

"Jake," I finish my slice of pizza. "The last six days have been hell on earth for me. I drank, I cried, I vomited... and I cried some more. I have no tears left to cry, no vomit left to puke out and there's not enough booze to make me drunk enough to forget. I have no energy left to feel miserable."

Jake looks over to Della, "And you?"

Della opens the bottle of bourbon, "I'm choosing the booze." She says to him before looking at me, "You're driving us home." She says, taking a sip.

"Bullshit. You guys will sleep here with us. This is a five bedroom house after all." He says to her before looking at me. "How are you?"

I shrug, "Numb and somehow broken at the same time."

"How did Ana take it?"

"She cried and then started to look for reasons." Della explains, "She's not as heartbroken as I thought she'd be."

Jake turns around and looks back at Della, "And you?"

Della shrugs, "I'm deeply upset, but I don't have the time to allow myself to feel it. I'd rather drink." She says before taking another big gulp from the bourbon bottle.

I wince as suddenly shattering noises start filling the room. It sounded like glass. Another sound appears, this time it's deeper. Maybe china. "That's Ana." I breathe out as more noise starts filling my ears. With every noise my heart shatters a bit more.

Jake's on his feet before Della can say something. "I'm going." His words linger in the air as he's long gone.

I hear more things shattering and I feel my heart breaking. Tears start building in my eyes.

Suddenly, I hear her screaming.

So loudly that I wince from the pain.

I broke her.

Because he broke me.


"Mom, where's Daddy?" Rory asks, being the first to question the obvious.

My hands around the wheel tighten so much that I can see my white knuckles. I put on the light before turning left. We made it home almost without this question. I didn't want them to have to sit in the car when I break the news to them. They need their space when I tell them. They might run into my arms or out of my arms. I need to ease them into this as much as possible.

Yet, for a moment I consider lying to them.

I will break their hearts. In just a moment, I will break their perfect beating tiny hearts. I will shatter them - and there's nothing I can do to prevent that.

"Is he out of the country again?" Nate asks.

"Oh, if he's in the States can he bring me some new Bed Bath and Beyond candles?" Rory asks.

"You have enough of those." Nate snorts at her.

"I don't."

"There are fifteen stored in the cupboard of your bathroom." He narrows his eyes at her in a way his father does as well. Shit, I can't break their hearts.

"Still not enough. And how the hell do you even know this?!" Rory hisses at him. "Have you been sneaking around again?!"

"Well-"

"Mom, I want a key to my room. I have to lock it."

"If she gets one I want one, too!" Jo says to me.

"Me, too!" Nate says.

"No one is getting a key." I say as the iron gates of our home open. I almost made it home without breaking their hearts.

"But Mom!" they all say in choir.

"We'll talk to Daddy when he's coming back then." Rory says to Jo and Nate, who nod at their little sister.

"He is not in the States." I explain as I drive down our driveway. Not even the sight of our two stories Spanish mega mansion lifts my mood. Our fucking dream house.

"But he promised to pick us up." Rory sounds sad already. He never broke his promise towards them. Never.

"He must have had a work emergency then." Nate says as I park the car in front of the house. "Maybe something with the healthcare projects."

I pull the key out of the engine before turning around. I stare into their innocent faces, seeing his eyes staring back at me. Icy blue, navy blue and a sky blue. God, this is so hard! I take a deep breath as my lips start shaking.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Jo frowns at me.

My vision becomes blurry and I shake my head, "Daddy is..." Fuck, I can't tell them. I can't!

But I have to. "Daddy has left us."

"What?" Jo asks shocked. I watch their eyes fill with tears. "He's dead?"

"No! No, he is not dead." I clear out, "He left us. He is gone."

"Gone?" Rory asks, her voice sounding broken.

I feel my heart shattering in my chest. "I don't know where he is. He hasn't contact me."

"What did you do?!" Nate yells at me out of the sudden. There are tears of anger running down his face. He opens the safety belt before tearing the door open.

"Nothing."

"I hate you!" He yells while hot tears roll down his face.

"Nate-" I stop as Nate shuts the door of the Range Rover Velar. At this point I can't hide the tears rolling down my cheeks.

I'd die to spare them the heartache.

"Mom, did you guys had a fight?" Jo asks me. My eyes see Nate storming into the house through the back window.

"Yeah, maybe he needs to have five minutes away from you. I know I sometimes do after arguing with Nate." Rory likes Josephine's way of thinking.

"No, we didn't fight." I say before looking at them. I can see the way I broke their hopes in their eyes.

"Then why did he leave?" Rory asks me.

I shrug, "I don't know, honey. I don't know..."


I take a deep breath before knocking on the door with my free hand while the other holds a tablet. As predicted he doesn't answer me. "Nate, may I come in?" It's been six hours since I broke the news to them and while Rory and Jo wanted my comfort, Nate decided to hide in his room. I sent Rory and then Jo to check on him and call him for dinner but he refused any contact. He's hurt and he's mad at me. I don't blame him. But I'd rather hug him than feel this icy cold distance between us. I open the door and walk in, "I brought dinner." He is laying on his bed and staring at the sky through the window that is placed in the ceiling. He loves to watch the stars as much as his oldest sister. He doesn't even look at me. He's punishing me with silence. I sigh before closing the door behind me. "Nate please..." I can't bear this.

"I'm not talking to you." He barks at me. He isn't talking much to his sisters either.

I decide to walk over to him, "Nathanial, you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry." He growls.

"Well then drink at least the hot chocolate I made for you." I stop next to his bed. His eyes are still trained on the ceiling. I place the tablet on the nightstand. I stare at him for a moment before I turn around. He needs to calm down. He'll reach out to me when he's ready - at least that's what I tell myself.

"Why do you always have to ruin everything?!" Nate hisses at me as I stop at the closed door.

I turn around as his voice shoots icicles into my heart. He's looking at me, his dark blue eyes filled with a sea of tears. Oh god, no... "Nate,"

"You always do that! What did you have to scare Dad off?!" He asks me again.

I bite my lip, trying to keep my emotions under control. "Nate," I start again.

"No, this is all your fault! He left because of you! Because of you!" He yells at me as tears stream down his face.

I rush over to him before tears start rolling down my cheeks as well. "Honey, I swear nothing bad happened between us."

"No there must have been! Because Daddy would have never left us otherwise! Never!" He shakes his head strongly and although he's crying I can see his father's determination coming through. "He loves us! He would have never left us if you didn't do anything! He promised us he would pick us up! He never broke his promises!"

I take a deep breath before sitting down on the empty bedside. "We didn't fight. We didn't argue while you were gone."

"You're lying." He insists. He's stubborn - like me.

I wish it would have been this way because then I'd have some kind of explanation for them and myself. But I don't. Because it wasn't that way. "No, I am not lying. Nothing happened. I swear."

He punishes me with silence for a little longer.

"Really?" His lower lip starts shaking and I embrace him tightly not caring about his anger for me.

"Really." I whisper before kissing his hair.

"Then why did he leave us?"

I look at him, "I don't know. I wish I knew."

"That's unfair."

True, it really is.


I wake up in the middle of night with sweat covering my skin. My heart is racing in my chest, working hard to keep me alive. I feel the same weight on my chest as I did in my dream. But there's also weight on my lower body. I look to my left and see Nate sleeping next to me. His left arm is resting on my chest, his left leg on mine. I frown before I look to my right. Rory and Jo are sleeping on the other side of the bed.

His side.

Jo's arm is wrapped around my stomach and her head is resting on my chest. My children slept with me. Because they are afraid.

I close my eyes as I feel tears and anger building inside of me. He fucking left us. His family. His very own flesh and blood! How dare he! How fucking dare he!

Carefully, I unwrap me from my children before I climb out of the bed. I brush through my curls as I look at the mess he created. He traumatised them. He fucked them up.

He promised me it would never happen.

He did it anyway.

Anger starts rushes through my system and I restrain myself from shouting. How dare he! How dare he fuck our children up! I rush out of the bedroom unable to control my emotions. I close the door before I rush down the hallway. I need a drink.

With my naked feet I walk through the kitchen before I reach his study. Bourbon is what I need. And he keeps the good stuff in his study. My hand rests on the doorknob. I bite my lip before withdrawing my hand. No, I won't walk into there. My children need me in good condition. Not hungover.

I sigh before my eyes rest on the end of the hallway. I walk down the hallway. Maybe there's another way to burn off the anger. Without alcohol.

I stop in front of the gym and tear the door open. It's dark so I switch on the lights. There's a mirror wall at the end of the room across the black lululemon yoga mat and the barre. In the mornings there's natural light coming from the glass facade that leads to the lounging area in the backyard. Another door leads to the spa. It's a huge gym. Absolutely massive but we use it lots. All of us - just never at the same time. The boxing sack stares back at me, glittering in black leather. We buy a new one about every twelve to fourteen months because he wrecks it every single time. But I never used it.

Until tonight, I decide.

My eyes scan the gym for the bandages he uses to protect his hands from blisters. I see the different free weights, the stair master, the treadmill, the exercise ball, the barre, the heavy ropes, the medicine balls, the kettlebells, the waterrower and two benches. It's the perfect home gym.

My eyes stop at the black bandage tape and the boxing gloves. I walk over to the towel unit before I pick it up. Carefully I wrap the bandages around my left hand. The way he used to. I pull on tight afraid my hands will be bloody after I am done. I don't want the triplets to see bloody hands. I don't need their questionable glances. They've been through enough already. I start bandaging my other hand being more efficient now. I press the play button on the music station. The music he last heard here starts filling the gym. Upbeat songs. My upbeat songs. He created a playlist with remixes I made in my studio here at home. With my voice - not like the other songs that were recorded by famous singers. I used to motivate him. I used to be his guide through his tough two hour sessions he called a quick warm-up. Those songs were part of my gift to him for our twenty second wedding anniversary: I recorded his favourite songs and made remix versions about it. 8030 songs. One song for each day we've been together. I put the volume up until my ears hurt. This gym is soundproof so I don't have to worry about the kids to wake up above me.

Now, I'm going to motivate myself.

I walk over to the black leather bag and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and let out a scream from the bottom of my heart. How dare he fucking leave! How dare he fuck our kids up! How dare he create a mess and then fucking leave me with all the shattered hearts! How- I open my eyes and hit against the black bag with all my power with my left fist. I stabilise my body with my naked feet on the marble tiles and rotate from my hips as I punch with my left hand. My core is tight and I feel the muscles working in my back, shoulders and arms as I punch with full force against the bag with my right fist. I continue punching the bag with all my power until I feel sweat rolling down my body. I start adding kicks with my legs. Left foot, right fist, right foot and left fist. I repeat and start I feeling hot. My breath starts becoming shallow. The muscles in my limbs start burning. My core starts burning with a raged fire. My lungs burn. Breathing hurts.

But I don't stop.

So many buried emotions start coming to the surface. I don't fight the tears. I don't fight the hurt. I don't fight the anger... the frustration... the devastation... the longing... my broken heart.

I punch it out. I let it al out on the black punching bag.

It'll be my therapy to keep me calm. To be the mother my children need me to be.

To stay sane.


Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews on that last chapter. I enjoyed reading about all your theories for why Troy might have left them. :)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well. If so, please review!

The next few chapters will show how Gabi adjusts to the situation and what she's doing to find him. Do you think Krimov will find Troy? What do you guys think Gabi might do?

Keep your eyes open for my other story, My Shadow, because I'm going to upload that more often until the story of Della has caught up with A Million Times More (which will be in a few chapters). So please favourite and follow My Shadow!

Thank you for taking the time to read this chapter.