Chapter 12

The drive back to the beach house was delayed while the debate of where John would sit raged. Meg felt John should ride in the backseat of Finch's car so that he'd have room to stretch out. John however, was adamant that he was going to sit up front with Elise. He'd been away from her long enough and was not willing to be separated again, even by the back of a car seat. So, Bear ended up with all the room in the backseat after they dropped Harold off at the library.

John dozed off before they got out of the city. The pain meds Meg had given him kicked in and he slowly relaxed his long frame in the passenger seat. Elise smiled to herself as she heard a slight snore coming from him. The open road was calming to her and her mind wandered. She had so many questions for John but she didn't know where to start. Nor was she sure she wanted to know the answers. Or even worse, John might refuse to answer her. She wanted to know about Kara Stanton, his work in the CIA and what had really happened between them.

She knew they had been partners but Elise knew almost nothing about her. She knew firsthand how close partners can become. Your very life depended on the other person. You usually spent more time with that person than anyone else in your life. You lived, breathed, ate, worked and played together. She'd had that kind of relationship with Tim when she worked in HRT. They'd never had a physical relationship, he'd been married after all, but they knew each other's hearts and minds intimately. She'd always felt she had been closer to Tim than his own wife. So what did that mean for John and Kara? Especially as they were often the only person each other had in a hostile, foreign country. And why was John so careful to never talk about her or his job within the CIA?

Bear had been dozing in the back seat but finally woke up. Hanging his head over the seat, he sniffed Reese and nudged him with his nose but got no response. Looking over at Elise, his ears perked up as he heard her softly call his name. "Hey Bear, have a nice nap?"

Responding to her voice, he snuffled her ear and made her giggle. Laughing she pushed him away, "Bear, stop that! I have to drive!" Which of course only enticed Bear to nuzzle her ear again. Elise's giggles brought John out of his drug assisted sleep. Squinting he saw Bear again trying to nuzzle Elise's ear and her trying to push him away.

"Bear, Stop ermee! Dat is mijn werk! Stop that! That's my job!' John commanded. Bear immediately stopped and sat back on his haunches in the back seat, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Reaching over to the giggling Elise, John carefully tucked Elise's hair behind her ear. The answering smile he got from Elise warmed his heart. The intensity of his feelings for her still amazed him. He sometimes felt like he was in a fog, barely feeling or seeing things unless she was there. She brought everything into sharp focus. Shaking his head slightly, he didn't understand it but he welcomed it and the light she'd brought into his life.

"Have a nice nap? Not too cramped? You probably would have slept better if you'd been able to stretch out in the back seat." Murmured Elise. Cocking one eyebrow at Elise, John said nothing. The subject was closed. He was where he wanted and needed to be, by her side.

Carefully moving around until he found a more comfortable spot, John's sleep had not been restful. There was so much to say, so much to explain to Elise that he didn't know where to start. He knew she had questions about Kara and about his work in the CIA but he wasn't sure he was prepared to tell her everything. There were times when he'd been so deeply in the dark that he was almost invisible, even to himself. The things he had done, the people he had killed still haunted his dreams. He'd wanted to keep that part of his life away from Elise. He didn't like the man he'd become while working with Kara. He had been a cold, killing machine. He went where he was sent and did what he was told without questioning the morality of what he was doing. And yet, he'd never enjoyed it the way Kara did. She'd literally got off on the killing, the torture, the brutality of her job. She truly LOVED her job and he'd thought he did too. He'd gone down that path, following her willingly, but that one line, the one that Kara gleefully jumped over, stopped him. He never had that stone cold core that she had. He'd tried to emulate her but it wasn't in him. It was that inability to become completely under her thrall that spelt the beginning of the end of their partnership and their relationship. Snow must have realized that and used it to his advantage to get them to take each other out in Ordos. But all Ordos had done was free them both. The CIA no longer held their reins. They were killers with no masters.

Apparently Kara had found a new master quickly. John had almost died but finally made it back to Jessica but too late. Closing his eyes, he again felt the deep ache he had every time the memories of how he'd failed Jessica surfaced. Shaking his head again, he knew thinking and looking back at the past was going to be painful but he knew he needed to talk to Elise about that dark time in his life. She deserved to know. He felt he was secure enough in her love for him that when the horror of his deeds were revealed, it would not cause her to flee from him in disgust...well, almost secure enough. Even so, there were some things he'd done, terrible things, things he'd locked away in his subconscious and was not willing to face himself. Those things, those he couldn't share with her now, if ever.

Cutting her eyes at John, Elise could tell something was weighing heavily on his mind and she had an idea what it was. "Talk to me John," was all she said.

Her voice was soft but neutral. The only tension she showed was in her grip on the steering wheel. When she noticed her knuckles turning white, she forced herself to relax. She knew she had to handle this moment carefully...for both of them. She needed to be as non-judgmental as possible. John's obvious reluctance had her afraid. She wasn't sure if it was fear for him, for his having to drag up painful memories or fear of how the knowledge might change their relationship. She KNEW she could take whatever he was going to say and she'd still feel the same, but would he feel the same about her once he'd told her? Or would the idea that she knew about the darkness within him cause him to turn from her in an attempt to avoid thinking about that part of himself he hated so much? She took a deep breath and waited.

It took a moment for her voice to register but then John looked over at Elise. Her eyes were on the road, a slightly bemused expression on her face. She seemed to be concentrating on driving. "Talk to you about what?" he asked.

Glancing away from the road, she looked at John. Reaching over with her right hand, she laced her fingers in with his and said, "You can tell me now John, it's ok".

The warmth of her hand and her voice finally broke through the iron control he'd held onto for so long concerning his time in the CIA and what it was like having Kara as a partner. For the next two hours John slowly told her of his life during those dark, empty years. He was open and up front about what he had done, what he had witnessed and his convoluted, complicated relationship with Kara Stanton. The anguish in his voice during his monologue tore at Elise's heart. Knowing the man he was now, she knew how difficult it was for him to talk about the man he had been then. The shame and disgust for his deeds came through in the rawness of his voice, at times delivered in a monotone and others with a catch in his throat.

Glancing at him every so often as the story spilled out of him in fits and starts, she could see what this was costing him. He was bringing to light all that he had done during those awful, black and lonely years. Still holding his hand, she squeezed to let him know she was still here with him.

Eventually, John's words came out slower and softer. He was emotionally wrung out from his ...what? Confession? He guessed that's what it really was. They say that confession is good for the soul but the raw and bleeding feeling he was left with had him doubting that wisdom. Giving Elise's hand an answering squeeze, John turned his face away from Elise and stared out at the passing landscape. He'd laid his soul bare. For the first time he'd come face to face with his own demons, demons of his own making. And he didn't like what he saw. He realized he wasn't that much different from Kara Stanton and that sickened him.

Seeing the inward stare on John's face, Elise knew he'd emptied himself of all the darkness once and for all. But she could also tell that he didn't like what he'd found looking back at him. Glancing in the rearview mirror, Elise put on the blinker and slowly pulled off the side of the road.

"What are you doing? What's wrong?" asked John, looking in the side view mirror, ever alert for danger.

Once the car was stopped, Elise unbuckled her seatbelt and got up on her knees as close as she could to John. Taking his face in her hands, she turned him toward her. Using her thumbs to wipe the tears that had silently run down his face, she looked him steadily in the eyes.

"Thank you for telling me John. Thank you for trusting my love for you enough to know I wouldn't turn away from you. Not ever." She gently leaned in and gave him a light kiss on the mouth as she caressed his dear, beloved face. Sitting back down on her knees, she kept her hands where they were. "You are not the same man you were then John. You did what you were trained to do, required to do, made to do just to stay alive. They were your actions but they were not YOU. YOU are the one who walked away. You walked away before they could steal your soul. That is what makes you different."

Elise could see the inner torment behind his beautiful blue eyes. She could tell he wanted to believe her but he still had doubts about himself. But only he could come to terms with those doubts. She'd done all she could by be being there for him. Her acceptance and non-judgement of him was the most she could offer, that and her unconditional love. Wrapping her arms around him she hugged him as best she could in the confines of the car, trying to be careful of his injury. She was surprised at the strength of his return hug. He buried his face in her neck and sighed. Burying his hands in her long dark hair he pulled back and looked at her with openness and hope in his eyes, something that had been missing since they'd gotten him back. Elise felt she was once again gazing at her John.

Pulling her toward himself, John carefully set her on his lap, careful to keep pressure away from the dressing that Meg had so meticulously wrapped. Hugging her close, he whispered in her ear, "Thank you". The answering smile he got from Elise was what he'd been waiting for. He leaned down and found her lips.