XXXXX

"Coward." The word cut through Janeway, pierced her soul and a good part of her agreed. For a moment her expression betrayed her as she snapped her head back to look at the petite adolescent girl whom had seen right through her. Coward.

After following trails speaking to various aliens Voyager had finally found the ship and crew responsible for the devastating crime Tom and Harry had been unfairly convicted of; a young man and his little sister. The fourteen year old girl, a child really, had offered Janeway the coordinates of the prison in the hopes that she would attack it. "That's not how we do things." Was Janeway's response. Always the diplomat Captain Janeway preferred a peaceful conclusion, a compromise, to violence every time, or almost every time. That's when the declaration came, "Coward."

Once it was evident that negotiations had failed the Captain would figure out a way to save her crew, she refused to leave them behind. Over Chakotay's objections, and to his major dismay, she would lead the rescue team into the prison to recover Tom and Harry. She would put her life in danger to save her crew without giving it a second thought. No, Captain Janeway wasn't nearly as afraid to die as she was to live. Coward.

Using Voyager as a distraction, she used Neelix's shuttle craft to gain access to the prison. Sliding down a large chute, despite her condition, she emerged ready for a fight, weapon drawn firing at those who dared approach. She recovered her men and they made their escape despite being detected before the rescue was complete. Risking her life was easy, second-nature to her. She released her two prisoners on a friendly M-Class planet and resumed her course; her course to the Alpha quadrant, her course to loneliness.

She returned to her quarters, muscles aching, and exhausted. She hadn't slept. It was her stubbornness that had kept the rejuvenating comfort and peace from her. Chakotay had been so sure she would need him to sleep. He saw through her, too. She refused to give him that satisfaction; instead she tossed and turned all night. Still, when morning came through the exhaustion and the cloudy haze of thoughts that comes from an utter lack of rest she felt a brief moment of self-satisfaction. She had been strong and hadn't gone to him, but the moment was, in fact, very brief. She saw him sitting on her couch, exhaustion worn upon his face. "You didn't sleep, Kathryn. I heard you toss and turn all night." Then a whisper, "I waited for you." Then she had felt guilt. Running through these events in her mind as she sat, muscles weakened and sore, legs shaky from the day's efforts, she reevaluated her initial assessment. She hadn't been strong she had been a coward.

She had already admitted to herself that she was afraid of raising her child alone. That night, the night they fought, she cried because she thought he wouldn't be there to help. Now he had apologized, offered her comfort, offered to be there for her, offered an apology and an explanation. An explaination she still hadn't heard, one she could probably surmise, but hadn't allowed herself too until now. She knew he was jealous and allowed it. She knew he was watching when she placed her hand on Tom's shoulder and she deliberately let it linger there just a bit longer then she normally would have. She heard his words the day he saw Paris hug her, the day she found out she was having his child. Still she had made no effort to explain to Chakotay that she had no romantic interest in Tom Paris. If she took a moment to think about it she knew those awful words he said to her, the day she told him of her pregnancy, were a jealous tirade, one who's creation she had contributed to. Coward.

As afraid as she was of being a single mother and a starship captain, she was more afraid of depending on him, of loving him, but mostly of needing him. She had loved before and the loss had left such cold and devastating wounds that she had feared she would never again feel warmth or comfort. Mark had been safe, she wasn't passionate about Mark. Chakotay was different; his love had the power to destroy her. They had one night on New Earth and still, that one night had left her unable to get a decent night's sleep without him, leaving next to her a void of frosty darkness, a void of anxiety and loss where his body should be. No, she wasn't nearly as afraid of dying as she was of loving.

Her door chime rang. She knew who it was, they had unfinished business. He wasn't going to let misunderstandings stand for long anymore she knew that. "Come in."

"Kathryn." No response.

"I thought we'd finish that conversation, if you're up to it." Chakotay said cautiously. She nodded in response this time so he continued. "I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry; I thought some awful things…"

"Stop." She cut him off.

"But I want you to understand…" he tried again.

"I didn't sleep with Tom Paris, Chakotay." She blurted out.

A bit shocked that she knew exactly what his assumptions had been he answered. "I know that now, I was stupid to be jealous."

"I let you believe that… I saw you getting jealous, Chakotay; I knew you noticed him coming to my quarters. I knew it was for the prenatal scans, you didn't, and I knew it was eating you up. I allowed things to get as bad as they did. It was another way of pushing you away from me. I'm a coward." She admitted her deepest failing to him. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because I love you and that scares me. I'm afraid I'll need you, I'm afraid I'll lose you, but I already need you; I can't even sleep without you." She was fighting the urge to cry again. She hated being vulnerable.

He reached for her and pulled her close to him. He wrapped his arms around her and lowered his lips to hers, "In that case you should be sleeping with me, Kathryn." He said just before he covered her lips with his. With his kiss her legs, already week from the strain of the day, buckled underneath her, but his arms, still wrapped around her, held her tight. When the kiss broke she spoke. "I really need to sleep, Chakotay. Will you hold me for a little while?"

"Of course." He scooped her up gently, and carried her to her bed. He set her down and lay next to her pulling her close to him. He caressed her body in slow and soft strokes. His touch had a calming effect on her and she fell into a deep comforted sleep. He stayed with her all night, he had no intention of ever leaving her ever again.