Chapter 11: Zhao Kuai Le De Ren (The Person who Tries to Find Happiness)

It's times like these when I feel like I don't have to care who I am, or where I am. I'm in a content state of just floating around in my mind, a state of mind known as dreaming. The only time when I'm not wracked with pain from missing my home and my life before. This is the only time when I don' t have to worry about the life that looms before me. I don't have to gather up the strength to stand up, I don't have to do anything... just... watch the shapes that my mind create float across my non-existent vision.

It's the great and loved lull that comes after any chaotic event such as a concert. I love these moments. The few days that I don't have to care about what happens to the boys, what goes on in their lives, whatever... it's just me.

In the immortal words of Marlow from "Heart of Darkness..." "It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream... making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is the very essence of dreams... No, it is impossible, it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one' existence--- that which makes it truth, its meaning--- its subtle penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, and we dream-- alone..."

It is this simple, sweet feeling that I love so much, that I treasure so dearly in this world of pain. They tell me so many things here... How I have the job that millions of girls would die for, how I'm surrounded by the most beautiful men in Korea, how I'm such a great designer, how I'm such a great person... All these things they tell me. But I wonder... how many of them are true? How many of them are really a truth and not just a fabrication of word of mouth, not the falsities that spew from the mind to cushion the truth...

The truth that I ... I am...

Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep! Beep beep bee---

SMACK

It's also great that I can wake up at the crack of noon and not before dawn. These days are great. There's nothing to care about... just what I want to do and where I want to go. Nothing in the world to care about but myself. It's good to have the feeling of me, myself, and I. This would also be known as, the feeling of being important.

Beep... beep... beep...

Ahh... warm bagel with eggs, cheese, and whatever unhealthy contraption I could find stuck into it, from the microwave. Actual FOOD. For a the while before I had started to believe that eating less than five hundred calories a day was a normal thing for a human to go through. Good to have something unhealthy for once. Not being able eat in that damned room for the fear of dropping anything onto their precious clothes.

It's good to be able to relax. Perhaps... this is the feeling of happiness? To be able to sleep? To be able to eat? To do the simple things that were always taken for granted before they were taken away? I suppose I'm just that easily amused at things such as this.

"Or... you just need to get a freakin' life..."

That too. I should get one... where do they sell them?

"Somewhere where they care about people..."

Great... Korea sucks... I can't get a new conscience, and I can't get a new life. Why me?

Knock, knock, CRASH

"... Well Hello to you too?"

A pile of men. Probably suffering the effects of a hangover or something, but none the less, a pile of men.

"Hi... We're sorta drunk..."

"I noticed as much."

"Wanna get drunk with us?!"

"No thanks. Last time that happened, I passed out from too much remember?"

"No problem! We can get Sung Sung to carry you back!"

Sung Sung? Oh... HOT DAMN, Black mail material right there. Too damned bad I can't really use it against anyone at all.

"... He better be damned sober..." The expression on the band mate faces were priceless, something within a the range of disgusted, anguished, and perhaps a bit of shocked were there. Quite frankly I couldn't have asked for a better day than this.

"... I am. And ignore them. Guys... why are you harassing her? And why are you guys pretending to be drunk? Kangin, I thought you knew better..."

What? They're not hung over? Aw... that's not fair. I wanted to poke fun at them with my super mental powers of flaming the world.

"I wanted to have some fun..." Kangin whined, so I decided to go and poke fun at her cause she's always so freaky weird!"

You know, at this point, I thought I would have gotten used to the insults. But this one was a new one, normally it's just bitch or whore, but freaky weird. That's a new one, I suppose I can take that as a compliment.

"... Kangin... I thought you had more reason in your brain than that."

Nope. He's a man remember? And I'm running commentary in my head. Damn. I really have no life. But no, he doesn't have too much reason other than to listen to random babbles of nonsensical things such as what beauty is, what to eat next, what to do after practice. The mundane things that bore anyone, but at the same time, it is extremely crucial to his life for the reason that he, has no idea what to do next without a schedule.

"I do TOO have common sense and a brain! I just got out of class at the university! Why can't I relax? Especially after a concert too! Y'all are trying to kill me here!"

"That's great. But can you explain WHY again why you're here to bother me? Don't you have homework or something?"

"No, too lazy to."

"And so you go and harass the poor person."

"Yeah, pretty much. Why don't you tell us a story? I wanna hear a story!!"

The circular motion of eyes rolling has always been one of my favorite things to witness. However when Sungmin and his peers did a synchronized parody of it, I couldn't help but smile a bit. It's the simplest things that can make a smile happen, funny how true that can be at times.

Might as well humor them while I have this chance.

"Alright Kangin, I'll tell you a story, what do you want to hear about?"

"I wanna hear about the one where you came out of no where and somehow became out designer!"

I swear, I need a defibrillator for my face, the habit of twitching whenever under stressful conditions or anything that is slightly annoying to me is quite the annoyance in itself. Ah well, nothing I can do about it now.

"How I came here... Well... let's see I got the call from your manager, got on a plane with a ticket and some money, and then flew here in about twenty hours. That's how I got here."

"Nonsense! Tell us from the beginning!" Kangin commanded as a loud 'Fwump' was sounded from him jumping onto the couch. "I wanna know about your life and everything! Mr. Manager didn't tell anything to us when you came in. He just told us that you were new."

Sungmin nodded, synchronized perfectly with the other two, Hankyung and Heechul, who had also decided to crash at my place.

Seemed like everyone had their day off.

Damn.

Ah's well... might as well just humor them while I'm at this.

"Alright. If it really makes you happy to know the details of one insignificant person, I only request this. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking. My train of thought doesn't like being wrecked too much. Got that?"

"Yeah... Just start telling us the story already."

"Alright. Well, as you all should have surmised by now, I'm not from here. I'm actually from the States. Born and raised in a little city near the capital, I pretty much had a normal life. Yashi Mogami... really isn't my name, the story of that is something else. Anyways, I had the usual American Asian parents, very strict, very cold, not too loving, not too supportive of my endeavors, the usual..."

"Jenni... What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I wanna be a writer mommy, I want to write for a living!"

SMACK.

"I don't ever want to hear something stupid like that come out of your mouth again! You think you're good enough to write?! You'll never be as good as those white people! The only thing that will be able to support you is to go into the medical field!"

It's always been like that... always been her way. I don't think I've ever remember a moment when she actually cared about my wants and my desires.

Maybe that's what made me what I am today. Someone who's always neutral, someone who's never really had her own opinion.

Just... always following the flow that the world created. Following the niches that society created.

I'm such an emo.

"Eventually I got to high school, met some really cool people and got myself connected. After those four years of Hell on Earth, I went to college. I swear I left my heart down there, those were the best years of my life. During my service there, I majored in Biology and Creative Writing, with a minor in psychology. That was my life. No matter what I wanted to do myself, my parents wishes and wills were always above mine. I suppose that's what I get for being so submissive over the years, but that's basically over with..."

"What are you going to major in?"

A question dreaded by anyone who was within the age range of eighteen and twenty seven.

"Pharmacy."

An answer that was a lie...

"Ooh, that's nice, you'll be able to help out so many people then!"

"Yeah... I'm going to get a major in Biology first though."

An explanation that was just an excuse to run away.

"That's good for you! So good for you!"

"Yeah... thanks..."

A thank you that doesn't need to be there...

A life of lies that I have to live.

"And yeah... I somehow got my art portfolio teleported here or something, cause one day when my best friend and I were about to starve on the streets, I got a call from you all and got the job here. The end."

"Oh.. so that's how it happened..." Kangin muttered, his face wrinkled and distorted in deep thought. "I see..."

"Are you happy here?"

The question took me aback. Something that I hadn't expect from them.

"Well? Are you?"

The fact that all of them are leaning over and listening intently freaks me out slightly. Its as if they're stalkers or something.

"... I don't know..."

I really don't. I don't know if I should be searching for that happiness that I once held so dear... or just keep hating... just keep hating this world that I don't belong in.

Which brings me to wonder. Why was it that I hated them in the first place? For their impudence... yes... for their complete lack of humility... yes... for their complete lack of common sense in one person... yes... for their sheer stupidity at times... of course... and ...

And?

Because I envy everything that they have.

Maybe... maybe that's why I'm so bitter towards them... why I'm completely blinded by hatred. Because of envy.

God... I'm such a moron.

"You... Don't know?"

Such a simple question, but at the same time, so hard to answer. Should I tell the truth? Should I tell them the lie that I've been living for so long?

"No... I don't know..."

Might as well... they'll find out about everything else later anyways. A lot easer just to get it over with now...

"Why not?"

"Because... I have no idea... how to search for it when I'm blind..."

"Blind? How so? You can see perfectly from what I can tell..."

"Never mind... Just... never mind..."

"Does... that mean that you're happy here then?"

The tone, the way that Hankyung had interrupted and asked the simple question makes me wonder.

What makes a happy person?

"I... I suppose I'm not... I suppose... all I am... is a person... searching for that happiness in this world..."

"Searching huh..."

"Yeah..."

"Well... Welcome to the club. Let's all search together!" Heechul announced suddenly, making this situation a bit lighter than what it should be. "Let's be a secret organization in SM Entertainment where we go and search for happiness beyond what we have already!"

"Here, here!" Kangin cheered and threw his fist up in the air.

"Yes... Let's all search for that happiness that everyone's missing..."

"Yes... let's..."

Dear God... Thank you. I haven't loved you too much... and quite frankly, I still don't believe in you, but... thank you for giving me a second chance to see things differently.

It's good to know there's going to be some sort of support in this business... even if it [iis[/i from a bunch of boys who already have all the happiness in the world.

But you know... it's good to have company again...

Yes... it's good to feel... the pursuit of happiness again.

To feel friendship again.

I only wish I knew if this were real or not.