Hermione felt her stomach roil as she descended the stairs from the girls' dormitories to join Harry and Ron. Although she knew she had no choice, she really didn't want to go to breakfast because Draco would be there, and seeing him would only make her heart break all over again. This was the fourth day since he had refused to join her in the Order of the Phoenix and the pain wasn't decreasing at all. All Hermione could do was count down the long, miserable days until the end of school, when hopefully she would never have to see Draco Malfoy again.
It didn't help that they shared almost all the same lessons so she was unable to keep away from him and every time she entered the Great Hall her heart sank at the thought that she would have to face him throughout the meal. But she had sat in the same seat for seven years now and there was no way she could change places at this late stage without having to answer some extremely awkward questions from Harry and Ron — and now was not the time to admit to having had a relationship with their worst enemy.
Although she was disappointed in Draco and his refusal to even consider what she was offering, Hermione was mainly annoyed with herself. She couldn't believe she had allowed herself to trust him again after he had broken her heart the first time; that she had opened herself up to him and once again shared her fears and hopes for the future as if he would understand and agree.
Instead, Draco had shredded what was left of her already severely battered heart and she wasn't certain she would ever recover. At the moment she just wanted to flee Hogwarts, to hide away where she could let the pain overwhelm her, but she couldn't even run away and go home. She no longer had a home thanks to Voldemort and his despicable plans, so she had no choice but to stay and suffer the pain that constant contact with Draco brought.
Hermione had found herself becoming hysterical on several occasions and worked hard to stop it from showing, especially around her friends, but it was getting harder not easier as the days went on. She just wanted it to stop, wanted to get on with her life the way it was before Draco turned it upside down with his easy, pleasant manner and his wonderful kisses. As they entered the Great Hall Hermione took a deep breath, girding herself for yet another ordeal. She was determined that today she wouldn't be a pathetic wuss on the verge of tears. She would show Draco that she didn't need him, that she was perfectly happy without him in her life.
She managed to eat something, although it was only half a slice of toast, but this was an improvement over the previous few days when a cup of tea was all she had been able to manage. Ron was regaling them with a story that Hermione was only half listening to as she had just realised that Draco was watching her. Now was the perfect opportunity for her to show that their argument hadn't left her maudlin and tearful.
Still not really taking any notice of what Ron was saying, Hermione began to laugh. She knew it sounded false to begin with, but as she forced herself to continue, making it clear to everyone that she was carefree and happy, she thought it became more natural. She was having a wonderful time and wasn't missing the arrogant blond Slytherin who had broken her heart at all. In fact, she was on top of the world. She was having so much fun that she couldn't stop laughing.
The problem was that laughing wasn't actually an appropriate response to the tale at that moment, especially the sort of loud and hearty laughter somewhere on the edge of delirium that Hermione was doing and it wasn't long before her friends were staring at her worriedly. Hermione couldn't stop, the mixture of hysteria and the knowledge that Draco was still watching her drove her to laugh ever louder until it seemed she would snap.
'What's the matter with you, Hermione?' Ron hissed, breaking off from the story. He was looking at Hermione as if she was completely deranged.
'There's nothing wrong with me,' Hermione trilled. 'I just don't seem to be able to stop laughing at the moment. Probably because I'm in such a good mood and feeling really happy.'
Harry looked sceptical. 'You're never this happy. In fact, if anything you seem a bit manic this morning. Are you sure you're okay?'
'Of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be?' Hermione asked, her voice just a little too brittle.
'I dunno, you seem a bit—'
'There's nothing wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine,' Hermione snapped. She could feel the tears filling her eyes as they had done so often over the last few days and knew she needed to get out of the Great Hall before she had a total breakdown. She stood up and without saying another word she ran out of the room.
'What the hell's the matter with her? She's even more mental than usual,' Ron moaned. 'I thought she'd be okay once the exams were finished but if anything she seems to be getting worse. At this rate she'll have had a complete psychological breakdown by the time we've finished school and they'll be carting her off to St Mungo's to live with old Lockhart.'
Harry turned to watch Hermione go, noticing as he did so that Draco Malfoy was also watching her intently and he couldn't help but wonder whether her outburst had something to do with the Slytherin. Although it had now been several weeks since the two of them had finally finished their project, and as far as Harry was aware they hadn't had any interaction outside of classes since, he knew Ron had long suspected that Hermione's sometimes irrational behaviour throughout the year stemmed from Malfoy's treatment of her while they were working together.
Perhaps the boy had managed to drive Hermione slightly insane after all. Ron had suggested this on more than one occasion, but Harry had always shrugged it off, aware that his best friend had a bit of a blind spot where Hermione was concerned and hatred for Malfoy, rivalling Harry's own dislike of the boy, that would always make him unfavourably biased against the blond Slytherin from the moment he and Hermione were paired up for the Potions project.
Although there had been a few lows, Harry had always got the impression that Hermione and Malfoy actually got on quite well once the first few difficult weeks had passed, and apart from the odd blip and that massive meltdown just before the exams, when it seemed that they might not get their project finished, there had been much less tension between them than might have been expected from a couple whose dislike of each other was well known.
Harry realised now that he might have been incorrect in this assumption. Maybe Ron was closer to the truth after all and Malfoy had been subtly undermining Hermione all year, chipping away at her self-esteem and leaving her destabilised and erratic, which now the stress of the exams was over was revealing itself properly. Knowing that she probably needed help, he stood up.
'I think we need to go and find Hermione,' he told Ron, sounding worried.
'Oh, gods, do we have to? She's bound to be in a really bad mood and she'll take it out on us,' Ron pointed out with a sigh.
'We're her best friends, Ron, and there's obviously something seriously wrong with her so we need to go and find out what's the matter,' Harry said. 'If you don't want to come then stay here by all means, but I'm going to go and find her.'
He began walking towards the door, shooting another glance at Malfoy as he went. After a couple of seconds, Ron joined him as Harry knew he would. However much Ron complained about Hermione, Harry knew he was worried about her, too.
Hermione hadn't managed to get very far before the tears overwhelmed her. She sat down on the corner of the gold statue of the Architect of Hogwarts in the currently empty Entrance Hall, desperately rummaging in her bag for a clean tissue with which to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. She was already in so much pain from what Draco had done to her and now she could add mortification to her extensive list of feelings.
All she had wanted to do was show her ex-boyfriend that she was fine without him. Instead, she had ended up revealing her instability to Harry and Ron. She cringed as she imagined what they must be thinking of her. That laughter had been manic rather than sparkling as she had intended and they must have realised that she was undergoing some sort of stress; the way she had run away from them would have given them the clue if nothing else.
For a moment she wondered whether she could use her impending breakdown as a way to get away from Draco, maybe she could stay in the Hospital Wing away from everyone until the end of the term. That wouldn't be so bad. If Madam Pomfrey thought she had gone mad she wouldn't think anything of her breaking down in tears a million times a day and Hermione wouldn't have to live in fear of being asked for an explanation of her behaviour as she currently was. She could do exactly what she had wanted to do ever since Draco had first rejected her — curl up into a tiny ball and shut out the outside world while she waited for the pain to dissipate, if it ever did.
Hermione knew she needed to move before anyone else came out of the Great Hall. She must look a complete fright and the last thing she needed was more gossip about her from bitches like Pansy and her friends. It was Herbology next, which wasn't exactly the best lesson for forgetting about her problems, especially as now their exams were over they weren't likely to be doing anything too interesting. They would probably be cleaning up the gardening equipment, which wouldn't do much to keep her mind occupied. But before she could go to the greenhouses she needed to go to the loo and try to make herself look a little more presentable. She definitely didn't want anyone to know she had been crying.
She wiped away what she hoped was the last of the tears and blew her nose loudly, then stored the tissue in her bag. Hermione stood up, hoisting the bag over her shoulder.
'Hermione!'
Harry called out her name as he and Ron spotted her heading towards the corridor where the girls' toilets were located. For a moment she ignored her friends, closing her eyes and breathing deeply, wishing they would leave her alone with her misery. The problem was that she knew they wouldn't. They would be determined to find out what was wrong, so she had no choice but to put on a cheery face and pretend she was okay, otherwise they wouldn't stop bugging her until they had managed to winkle it out of her. She opened her eyes, forced a beaming smile onto her face — hoping it didn't look as false as it felt and that her eyes weren't too red — and turned to face her friends.
'Whatever is the matter, Hermione?' Harry asked gently.
He could see from her glistening eyes that Hermione had been crying and could sense the fragility behind her too-bright smile. Harry suspected that if he said the wrong thing she might go completely off the deep end. He hoped Ron had the good sense to keep quiet and let him attempt to draw her out. As much as Ron cared for Hermione, he also had a propensity to irritate her easily.
Hermione shrugged, hoping it looked nonchalant. 'There's nothing wrong, Harry. I just had one of those completely inappropriate laughing fits and I couldn't stop, no matter what I thought of. Everything just suddenly seemed completely ridiculous so I came out here to try to stop it.' She turned to look at her other friend. 'I'm sorry I ruined your story, Ron.'
Ron frowned at Hermione's explanation but fortunately, he didn't speak.
Harry hesitated for a moment, then said, 'We know there's something wrong. You've been acting strangely for weeks and it's getting worse. You do know you can talk to us, don't you? We're your best friends and we're here to support you.'
'I told you there's nothing wrong,' Hermione repeated blandly.
Harry stared at her for a moment and then wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug.
'I know it's got something to do with Malfoy,' he told her quietly.
Hermione stiffened in his arms and pulled away from him, looking anxious.
'Harry, please don't do this, I can't—'
'You need to talk about it, Hermione, and that's what we're here for,' Harry persisted.
Hermione looked around her wildly, worried about other people who were now beginning to exit the Great Hall. No one seemed to be taking any notice of the three of them, which was a good thing, but what Harry was talking about threatened to set her off crying again, which would be extremely embarrassing, especially if Draco emerged.
'I can't talk about it,' she whispered although part of her suddenly felt a desperate urge to open up and share with someone else the pain she was going through.
'Whatever it is it's tearing you apart,' Ron said. 'We can't let that happen to you. Tell us what's happened and we can help you.'
'I don't see how,' Hermione replied miserably.
'Well, until we know what's wrong, neither do we,' Harry said sensibly. 'But tell us and we'll find a way to help you.'
'There's nothing you can do . . . there's nothing anyone can do. It's too late so there's no point in talking about it,' Hermione said.
'I don't believe that,' Harry told her. He stared at Hermione's miserable face as he tried to work out how to get her to talk. 'If nothing else, talking about it will get it out of your system and that'll help you feel better. Please, Hermione, we really want to help.'
Hermione could feel the tears welling again, this time at the kindness of her friends who had stood by her through thick and thin. For a moment the love she felt for them pierced the pain that surrounded her heart and she wondered whether they might be right. Maybe talking to them about it would help, although she knew they weren't going to like what she had to say.
'I fell in love with him,' Hermione admitted her voice just above a whisper, not looking at either of her friends. 'Draco, I mean. I fell completely and utterly in love with him.'
Ron looked horrified at her sudden confession. 'Merlin's pants, Hermione. You didn't sleep with him, did you?'
For a moment Hermione bristled at Ron's tone and Harry thought they were going to lose her, that she would stop talking to them and walk away, and he wished his friend had kept quiet. But then she seemed to deflate.
'No, Ronald, I didn't sleep with him,' she replied coolly.
'But something happened between you,' Harry probed.
Hermione gave a small, sad laugh and shook her head. 'He's so different when you get to know him, Harry . . . and I got to know him so well during the course of the project.' She wrapped her arms around herself as she added wistfully, 'I thought he loved me, too, but—'
Harry realised that Hermione was crying.
'What happened, Hermione?' he asked gently.
Hermione sniffed, retrieved another tissue from her bag in order to wipe her eyes, then gave a small, bitter laugh. 'He chose his family over me.'
Not waiting for her friends she began to walk, heading for the door with a sudden need for fresh air. Harry and Ron followed her, looking at each other anxiously, torn between a need to help Hermione and a desire to not know any more about a relationship between their best friend and their worst enemy. They drew alongside her, one on either side, as they descended the stairs out of the castle.
'I don't want to talk about it,' Hermione said, pre-empting anything Harry and Ron might say.
'But maybe you need to,' Harry told her. 'Maybe the pain will ease if you talk it out.'
Hermione shook her head. 'It hurts too much, Harry. I can't talk about it.'
'I dunno why you're so surprised that he's treated you badly. You know what a tosser he is so it's not really a shocker that he's hurt you, is it?' Ron said.
Harry glared at him as Hermione sobbed.
'Ron, I don't think that's a particularly helpful comment under the circumstances,' Harry hissed.
Ron shrugged. 'But it's true. He's always been a git so why would Hermione have fallen in love with him?'
'You don't know anything about him. He isn't anything like you think he is,' Hermione retorted, suddenly angry.
'Well, I know he's upset one of my best friends, so whatever he's like I'm not very happy with him,' Harry said.
'I'm scared for him,' Hermione admitted.
Ron looked at her in surprise. 'Scared for him? Why, what's he done?'
Hermione sighed. 'Look it'll take too long to explain it all and I'm really not up to doing that at the moment, but Draco's a blood-traitor now and Voldemort knows that.'
'So what? You just said he chose to stay on his side so it's not going to matter. Voldemort will be happy to have him and his rotten family swelling his ranks,' Ron shot back.
Hermione wiped away her tears and glared at Ron. 'It doesn't work that way, Ronald, you know it doesn't. Voldemort will punish him for what he'll see as a betrayal.'
'But how does Voldemort know?' Harry asked.
He now realised that there was a lot more going on than he had thought, that Hermione's relationship with Draco ran a lot deeper than some silly teenage dalliance even though she had told Ron they hadn't had sex — although whether that was true or not he couldn't quite decide. But whatever the case, something serious was going on and Harry felt it was important to get to the bottom of it.
'That's the long story.' Hermione rubbed her forehead as if trying to shift a headache as she tried to think what to tell her friends. 'Look, I'm really not up to explaining it all to you now and we haven't got time anyway with Herbology about to start but let's get together after dinner tonight and I promise I'll tell you all about it if you really want to know.'
Harry frowned. 'Are you sure you're going to be okay to wait? We can always skip Herbology if you want to tell us now. We're not going to miss much.'
Hermione gave him a wan smile. 'I'll be fine, Harry. You're right, talking to you both has made me feel better already. Telling you about it tonight will give me a chance to get my thoughts in order — but thank you for being so concerned.'
Ron took hold of Hermione's hand and squeezed it gently. 'You know we worry about you,' he said.
Hermione smiled. 'No need, I'm fine now, Ron.'
She knew this was true. Even just the small admission of her feelings for Draco without her two friends going completely ballistic with her about it had been enough to raise her spirits. It still hurt like hell, but now she was certain she would survive because she had her friends to help her through it.
Ron didn't look convinced but he shrugged and said, 'Come on, then, let's go to Herbology if you're sure you're okay.'
The three of them continued on their way, Ron still holding Hermione's hand.
Draco had been watching Hermione the same way he did every day since their argument in the potting shed hoping for some sign, however small, that she was willing to give him another chance to talk to her. If she really loved him the way she had told him she did, surely once she calmed down she would understand that she had to make up with him or at least try to clear the air between them.
So far it hadn't happened, but he wasn't giving up hope. He had set out to talk to her a couple of times over the last few days but Hermione made sure he couldn't get anywhere near her without other people overhearing their conversation and he definitely didn't want what he had to say to be heard by anyone other than the girl he was so deeply in love with.
Although his anger with her after the argument had extended all through lunch and even into his Divination lesson, which he shared with the two knobs he had always detested yet she had so much time for, by the time he came down to breakfast the following morning his mind had cleared. He was now only annoyed with himself, for being such an idiot and losing for the second time the best thing he had ever had. If Hermione really was still in love with him after everything he had put her through — and she had said it enough times for him to believe she was telling the truth — then he was mental to let her go, especially when there was such an easy way to get her back.
Of course, if he was being honest, it wasn't easy at all. In fact, it would be the most difficult thing he had ever had to do in his life. Admitting that he wanted to be with Hermione, that he wanted to stand with her when the war came, would leave him without a family and with no friends either, especially if he had to stand up publically and be counted. But after a great deal of soul searching he took what she had said about opposing the Dark Lord to heart and realised she was right. Despite what he had thought, he hadn't learnt at all from their previous argument, and instead of taking the time to understand properly what Hermione was telling him about what the Dark Lord's victory would mean for her he had continued to selfishly think only of his own needs and rail against what he perceived as a lack of justice — namely her continuing refusal to have sex with him.
It was no surprise that she wouldn't, he could see that now. Why would she even consider someone so selfish? He had thought her selfish in her request that he join her and her friends in the Order of the Phoenix, thinking she had no idea what she was asking of him; but hadn't she sent her own parents away in order to keep them safe from the sort of torture she was terrified the Dark Lord would inflict on him when he joined him? Once again she had been thinking about him and planning ways to keep him safe, and he had thrown it back in her face like a petulant jerk and started talking about sex again. She must think him a complete degenerate. No wonder she didn't want to have anything more to do with him.
Now he had made his decision, implementing it wasn't as easy as Draco had hoped it would be. When he had first conjured the scenario during a study session with Blaise when he should have been revising for his final exam, he had imagined pulling Hermione to one side during one of their shared lessons and getting her to agree to go somewhere quiet where they could talk. Eager to smooth things over between them, she would agree and he would tell her about his decision to join the Order of the Phoenix, a revelation which would result in her falling into his arms, allowing him to kiss her; something he missed desperately. Of course, sex played a small part in the fantasy although he made an admirable attempt to push the thought away. But Draco honestly couldn't see any reason why she wouldn't finally make his dreams come true and give herself to him if he was willing to do as she asked and betray his family and friends. Surely that was the least she could do, wasn't it?
But however hard he tried to get near enough to talk to Hermione she had so far managed to elude him. It was extremely frustrating and he knew his temper was on the verge of getting the better of him again, so he had to be careful. The last thing he wanted was to end up having yet another argument with her when he was supposed to be laying the tracks for their future together. But it was now day four since they had last talked and Draco wasn't sure he could wait much longer without exploding in some way — the problem was he wasn't sure which way it would go.
The one thing that cheered him, although he knew he shouldn't think of it in that way and felt a bit guilty about it, was that Hermione was clearly as unhappy about their separation as he was. Every time he saw her she seemed on the verge of tears, as if a breakdown was on the horizon and moving closer every day, held back only by her final exam. This made it even more important to talk to her before she completely crumbled; he was already worried that she wasn't eating properly, her meals less than enough to sustain a bird, and he hadn't seen her smile once, not even when she didn't realise he was watching her. The loss of the bright, bubbly girl he had fallen in love with was worrying, and he urgently needed to do something to bring her back.
When Hermione started laughing at the breakfast table he was astonished. Days of gloom and mournfulness had given way to almost manic laughter. At first his heart lifted at the thought that she was finally feeling better and that maybe today would see him get his chance to talk to her. But the almost hysterical overtones froze all the good feeling leaving him scared instead, for her sanity. A flash of annoyance rushed through him when Potter followed her out of the Great Hall, flaring even higher as the boy glared at him as if he was the cause. Draco knew the fault was his but there was no way Potter could know that. Draco didn't believe Hermione had told him or Weasley about their relationship otherwise they would surely have confronted him about his treatment of Hermione by now.
When Weasley followed, Draco knew he had to go, too. They all had Herbology as their first lesson of the day and knowing Hermione as he did he was sure she wouldn't be willing to miss the lesson even though they had already taken their exam. She would stick all the lessons out to the bitter end, still trying to learn as much as possible in their last few weeks, although Merlin only knew what more there was to learn, especially in a subject as dull as Herbology.
Although Draco knew he would have no chance of getting anywhere near Hermione with her two friends protecting her, he might at least get near enough to get an idea of what was going on. He would be able to judge just how close she was to cracking up and he might even get some idea of whether or not Potter and Weasley knew anything about their relationship. Telling Blaise he had a headache and needed to get some fresh air and that he would meet him at the greenhouses, Draco rose and followed the Gryffindors towards the door.
He was just in time to see them leave the castle and so he followed, watching as Ron took hold of Hermione's hand. She smiled at him and Draco realised with a sinking heart that it was genuine, not one put on for his benefit — she didn't even know he was there. As they walked towards the greenhouses still holding hands, the redhead leant in to whisper something to her and she laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. Draco almost stopped breathing as he waited anxiously to see what she was going to do next, his heart thumping and his temper rising again. Hermione kissed Ron on the cheek, then swinging his hand they carried on walking.
Draco watched as they continued to walk, trying to work out if there was something between them. He seemed to recall that they had always been a bit awkward around each other in the past, and he remembered Hermione admitting she had fancied Weasley; had always expected that he would be the one to whom she would lose her virginity. He wondered whether the awkwardness was because Weasley fancied her in return but they had never quite managed to get it together.
Whatever the case, that stiltedness between them had disappeared and they seemed perfectly content in each other's company, and Draco found himself furious with both of them. It seemed to him that Hermione had forgotten that he even existed, which was bad news for him, and Weasley had stepped in and taken advantage of her unhappiness, the foul git. Was she going out with him now? The idea made Draco feel sick. He hoped she wasn't because she belonged to him, not that lumbering ginger idiot.
Although he tried to stop it, Draco's anger grew as he continued to follow the trio. Their carefree, laughing chatter annoyed him. He couldn't believe Hermione had suddenly had this amazing turnaround. How dare she be so bloody happy when he was still feeling as miserable as sin. He felt the urge to grab her and shake her, to ask her why she wasn't still mourning the loss of their relationship, but Draco knew that would be suicidal. Others in the class were now heading towards them and he didn't want to give himself away, especially if Hermione really had moved on and abandoned him for good.
He slowed down, waiting for Blaise and Theo to join him, leaving Hermione and her friends to their own devices. He had to keep control until he could get her alone, but that had to be soon. He couldn't risk Weasley gaining too much of a foothold in Hermione's heart, otherwise he might never get him out.
