Chapter 12

The tears rolled down her cheeks silently, her eyes distraught and welling over, as she stood in front of the one man she never expected to cry in front of, even though it had happened before. Those times she had never expected to lose it the way she had, but it had still happened, and she was always powerless to stop it. Still, she tried. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she blubbered in a whisper, her head drooped, her shoulders curved over.

It's times like these

I can't make it on my own

He pulled her to him and wrapped two big arms around her small and fragile frame. "Hey…" he said into her hair. "Don't be sorry Jen," he smoothed her hair with just a few strokes. Months ago, when he had held her in the carpark after she had been held hostage, she had misinterpreted what he had meant – whether on purpose or otherwise – and he had wondered what he needed to do to convince her to stay with him – not to walk away, not to mention Emma, not to just keep things strictly work related. If it was ever going to happen, now was the time, even though neither felt they had any control over it.

He kept an arm around her as he led her to the couch they had passed when she had greeted him at the door earlier and sat her down amongst the bulging cushions. She sat dejectedly upon them, and as he took a seat close beside her she didn't shuffle away uncomfortably, instead almost moving in closer, needing to be close to someone she trusted, and who, when he held her, made everything bad just dissolve away.

She couldn't seem to get any words out for all her tears, so it was he who spoke first, breaking the silence between them in the dimly lit room. "I was worried about you today," he admitted quietly, holding her hand.

She smiled a small smile, barely noticeable. "Where have I heard that before?" she asked, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand.

He smiled back in return. "No, I really was," he confirmed. He shook his head, looking away. "I can't believe I let you go there by yourself." He was so ashamed, and so mad at himself that it was now he who couldn't meet her eyes.

She didn't have an answer, instead being enveloped again in her own despair, her smile from just a second ago forgotten. He pulled her into him again, if for only his own benefit. "You did everything right today Jen," he whispered. "Everything right. Even if you don't feel like you did."

She leant back against the cushions, still in his arms and looked at him. "I was so angry at myself for not having clicked onto it earlier," she admitted. "But at the same time all I could think about while I was in that barn was everything I hadn't done and everything I hadn't said."

He pressed her for more, curious, even though a part of him knew what she meant already. "What did you wanna say?" he asked tentatively.

She shrugged, utterly clueless now that the opportunity to explain was before her. "I dunno…" she replied. "I just…I just I didn't want it to all end like that you know? I wanted to be able to see you again, like this, and just…for a while there I didn't think I'd get to." It was gibberish and she knew it, but it seemed to be coming out in a way that explained her feelings inside so well, and he seemed to be understanding. She was afraid of his reaction, especially given the precarious position they were currently in, but nothing happened to ruin the moment, and it all felt just so right. The awkwardness was gone, the embarrassment was gone, the shyness was gone. They were finally making a connection on a level that had nothing to do with work.

Matt sat beside her, flushed in the face a little at the closeness of their presence and the totally unguarded way in which they were speaking to each other. He didn't know what to say to her – what would sound right, what would sound sympathetic and understanding – but she didn't seem to mind. She smiled at him. "You're such a good listener," she said quietly, full of appreciation. She looked down at their linked hands, wondering how they had ever got to this point. When did this happen? When did it all change? Was this the right thing to be happening?

The feeling of everything in her life being out of her own control today – with Matilda, with the barn conversation, with Nash, with Matt, with her thoughts on her career – overwhelmed her suddenly and she fell silent beside him, slumping down a little more in her place on the couch. She didn't know if he would understand if she tried to tell him how she was feeling deep inside, so she kept it in, fighting off the tears and the uncertainty, just not sure if he would get it. Sure, they connected, but could he understand this much?

They sat in silence for a long time, still holding hands almost unconsciously, their link going unnoticed by the both of them. Matt felt it was a way to help Jennifer feel better. She felt it was a way to feel closer and more understood by her most trusted colleague. And that was what she needed right now, as she became more and more caught in a puzzle of self doubt.

He enjoyed sitting beside her. Somehow it felt like a turning point, and rightly so, because today had changed them both forever, he was sure. He didn't want to mention Emma to her…it would only complicate things that were already complicated enough. He didn't know what to do about it, but one thing he did know was that he couldn't go back to the way he had been with Emma, last month, last week, even yesterday, so he was content to just sit there with Jennifer, because right then it felt like the easiest thing in the world. They only faced and talked about what they wanted to.

They sat there for so long that it was past midnight when Matt finally looked at his watch. He wouldn't blame her if she had fallen asleep, but when he squinted and looked closely at her in the semi darkness, trying not to make it obvious, he noticed that she was still very much awake, her eyes unblinking and wide, reliving over and over again what had happened hours earlier. He wracked his brain for what to do – they could just sit here all night, but he felt it important that she sleep. However, it wasn't appropriate that he stay, on the couch, or anywhere else, which really did present him with a dilemma. He didn't want to leave her alone, and she hadn't moved for more than an hour, so she obviously didn't want to be alone either. Finally he concluded that he should go, and if she insisted, he could stay on the couch, but nowhere else. He eased himself up to the edge of the cushions.

She squirmed ever so slightly, cramped at having sat in such a position, however comfortable and cocoon like, for so long. She looked at him, knowing exactly what he was thinking. "I should get going," he said quietly to her. "You need to go to bed Jen. Just…sleep it away." She nodded and stood up as he did. Together they walked into the entryway and to her front door, their hands finally tearing apart when she went to turn the key in the lock. It was a slow and smooth parting of fingers, as if not wanting to let go, and they both felt it. Jennifer finally let lose a wave of fears she had been holding in for the past eighty minutes there on the couch.

"I didn't do good today," she whispered to him, her face crumpling as they stood in the doorway, the cold wind of the night time biting at their exposed hands and faces. He reached for her hands, holding each in his own and they faced each other, two strikingly similar souls, together. She sighed sadly, her brow still deeply furrowed. "It wasn't supposed to be like that. I had no control over what happened, when I should've. I should've Matt!" They embraced for the third time that night, feeling less self conscious about it than the previous times, and with ease he held her tightly, understanding exactly how she felt as she shed a few more tears. And then out of nowhere he kissed her left cheek, grazing her high on the cheekbone with his lips.