AN: Sorry, I know it's been a whole week since I updated. Harry Potter and everything…plus this chapter DID. NOT. WANT. TO. BE. WRITTEN. Like all of you, I much prefer Bobby and Alex happily together and having lots of crazy sex. This angst is not so much fun. Anyhoo- Review please.
Parting
The day before Goren was to leave brought rain and thunder. New York was drenched in early spring clouds and puddles pooled around the city's gutters and allies. The morning was quiet and restless as Alex hurried around the apartment getting ready for her day. She had an important arrest to make down in the financial district and her energy was bouncing off the walls. Bobby was careful to stay out of her morning rush. Instead, he slowly mixed batter for pancakes and gracefully flipped them in the frying pan, humming unrecognizable tunes. When Alex emerged, she rushed past his pancakes and kissed him goodbye absently.
Bobby ate his pancakes alone as he flipped through channels on the small TV Alex kept in her kitchen. He made his way around the apartment, tidying up and getting ready to go out for the morning. There was an art exhibit in Soho he really wanted to see before he left the next day and he needed groceries for the dinner he was planning for Alex that night.
As he pulled his wool hat over his ears and stepped out onto the wet New York street, he could feel his dark mood swirling around him. Agitation was edging in on him and as he walked down the deserted street, he tried to narrow down the reasons for his edginess. He was leaving the next afternoon; which was definitely a source of anguish but he had expected a certain amount of melancholy about his departure. There was something more. Things with Alex were good. On almost every level. They made each other happy and they loved each other so completely. Bobby felt a return to fullness that he had missed in the last couple of years. And Bobby knew they were still best friends. But her refusal to talk about what they would do after tomorrow, after he left, sat uneasy with him.
They would have to discuss it tonight. And somehow, he suspected the conversation might not go smoothly especially because he would most likely have to force the subject. And on his last night, the last thing he wanted was to fight with Alex.
But the conversation was critical. A few nights ago, in the middle of the night, Alex had suddenly ripped away from him and when he had come to and sat up next to her, she was hot and breathing hard. A look of sheer terror was fixed to her face. One look at her eyes had told him everything he needed to know. This nightmare was about him.
"Alex," he had whispered. She just shook her head and took a few moments to calm her breathing. She refused to meet his gaze. He had gotten closer to her and whispered her name again. Slowly, her eyes found his and, there, he found confirmation. She had dreamt of his death. Their silent communication drifted slowly between their eyes until he finally spoke.
"I'm right here, Alex. I'm just fine. Look," he reassured. She had nodded dumbly and just listened as he continued promising her he was just fine. Finally, he had convinced her to lie down again and then he kept his voice as soothing and true as possible as he whispered her to sleep.
Bobby had laid there next to her and watched as she allowed sleep to blanket her. And then his mind had spiraled into the uncontrollable place. He couldn't get ahead of his thoughts to stop them. He couldn't make himself calm. No wonder she didn't want to discuss the future. She wasn't certain he would be alive to be apart of her future.
That first night he was back, when they at the restaurant discussing their careers, she had said something about his job being dangerous. And he had tried to brush it off. But she wasn't convinced.
The truth was that his job was dangerous. When he was in the field, not a week went by that he was not involved in some type of perilous situation. And he was always careful but there were never any guarantees. And Alex worried.
As Bobby walked down the wet street towards Soho, a foreign thought registered in the foremost part of brain. Maybe he should think about making a change. Maybe it was time to get out of the international game. Two and a half years ago, he had been running and the appeal of the CIA was in the global aspect. But now, he had come clean with Alex. The hair samples were tucked safely in a bank box. He found himself wondering just how Alex would react if he decided to take a position in New York. He shrugged the thought away for a later date as he stepped inside the art gallery.
Later that afternoon, he stopped in the lobby of the apartment to pick up the mail. On top of the pile was a small envelope addressed to him. It had no address or postage. Someone had hand delivered it. He waited until he was inside Alex's apartment before opening the envelope. Enclosed was a plane ticket in one of Bobby's pseudo names. The destination was St. Petersburg.
Bobby's earlier agitation returned with a vengeance. He hadn't cleared things up here yet but nevertheless, here was a plane ticket for an international destination. Frustration was not one of Bobby's favorite emotions. He paced for a few moments before turning his nervous energy to the kitchen. He was cooking Alex's favorite; parmesan chicken. Just as he was putting the finishing touches on dinner, his cell phone rang.
He walked swiftly to the back of the apartment and closed the door of Alex's home office before answering the phone.
"Goren."
Alex entered the apartment and was met with silence. A quick glance around the kitchen assured her that Goren was somewhere inside. As she passed the kitchen, she took a quick peak in the oven. The chicken parmesan looked fabulous and it smelled heavenly. She headed down the hall and into the bedroom, expecting to find Goren. When a quick search of the empty bedroom and bathroom revealed nothing, she opened the door to the office.
Goren was sitting on the phone, speaking in a hushed voice into his cell phone. He waved from his position on the floor and immediately bid farewell to whomever was on the other end of his conversation. Alex leaned against the doorway and smiled.
"How's Cooper?"
Bobby returned her smile and nodded. Alex searched his eyes for honesty. She found it.
"He's good. He says hello."
Alex leaned forward to offer a hand as he pulled himself off the floor. Bobby led her down the hall to the kitchen and poured her a glass of Chianti.
"Where is he?" Alex questioned.
Bobby was leaning over the oven, pulling the dish out. "He's in Boston. Visiting his mom."
Alex accepted the answer without question. She hadn't been able to see Bobby's eyes, however, so she wasn't convinced it was the truth. Her mind swirled as she tried to convince herself it didn't matter. What did she care what Cooper was doing? She closed her eyes briefly and commanded herself to let it go just as Bobby pulled out a chair for her to sit in. She took the seat and he leaned down to sweetly kiss her temple.
As they ate, they made casual conversation. Bobby told her about the Soho art exhibit and the pastrami sandwich he had for lunch. She listened with interest. Bobby was always able to find something to do. For three weeks now he had occupied himself all day long while she was gone to work. And he always had great stories. But after he left, when they spoke, he wouldn't be able to tell her stories about his day. Everything would be back to secrecy once he was in the field again. As she looked back up at him, she realized he had asked her something.
"I'm sorry, Bobby. What was that?"
Bobby squinted at her a little. She had been contemplating him, he was sure. It wasn't like her not to pay attention when they were talking. He smiled and asked quietly, "What were you thinking about?"
He could see her gasp in a little air. She was still surprised when he read her so easily. Instead of dodging the question, however, Alex nodded and spoke quietly, "I just realized how much I like listening to your stories. I'm going to miss them when you're gone."
Bobby felt the air leave his lungs. He nodded seriously. "I know." Despite the implications of her statement, he was relieved that she was willing to approach the subject of his departure. "I know you don't really want to talk about this but I think we should…"
She nodded fiercely and interrupted him. "I haven't exactly been forthcoming with all of my emotions this last couple of weeks. I just…I guess I didn't want to face you leaving again. Talking about it makes it feel real."
"I know."
They both contemplated for a moment before Alex whispered, "I don't want you to go."
Bobby nodded and took her hand. "I know," he repeated, this time more pointedly. He intertwined their fingers before he stated, "You worry." He paused for a moment before he solemnly added, "You have nightmares."
Alex nodded as her honey eyes widened in remembrance of the particularly gruesome ones.
"The
worst…nightmares," she confirmed.
Her expression was clearly
pained and Bobby's body desperately wanted to comfort her. He
commanded his arms to stay locked at his sides. They needed to say
these things, right now, and he was actually very shocked at the easy
way the conversation was progressing.
"I'm always careful," he pledged. He didn't want to negate her feelings and he definitely didn't want to minimize them. She looked at him skeptically.
"You can be as careful as you want but the reality is that it's dangerous. I don't even know the details and I know it's dangerous."
Goren's eyes focused on the table until Alex's silence pulled his eyes to hers. He nodded in acknowledgement of her statement.
After taking his time to choose his words, he carefully whispered, "I can only promise I'll be careful. That's all I can do. I wish I could do more to make you feel comfortable. But I promise I'll stay in contact. I'll check in as much as I can and I'll be careful."
Alex's eyes only
nodded and then she cleared her throat and asked, "What time is
your flight?"
"Four o'clock."
"I have a meeting."
"That's okay. I'll take a cab. I was thinking maybe I could be back for your birthday this summer."
"That'd be nice," she said as she nodded and stood up. She cleared the table as Bobby watched. She was tense, he could see it in her shoulders. As she stepped to the sink, he approached her from behind and wrapped his large arms around her chest, pulling her into his chest and kissing her head. At first, Alex stayed rigid but as Bobby's kisses continued, she relaxed into his arms and sighed heavily. As she whirled around to face him, his eyes promised hers that everything would be fine. And even though she knew better, she wanted to believe him so instead of contradicting him, she just allowed him to steer her towards the bedroom.
That night when they made love, it was slow and powerful. It was as if Bobby was making promises to her with his body. And Alex willed herself to just stay in the moment and not worry about tomorrow night. Tomorrow night, he would be gone.
After he was done promising her with his body, he whispered his promises about his heart and his soul. And she just let herself lie in his arms and soak all of him up. And she promised herself some things as well. She decided there would be no crying come tomorrow night. He'll be back, she though reassuringly. She nuzzled in closer and her mind chanted her new mantra again and again. 'He'll be back'.
The next morning brought sunshine despite the dark cloud Alex felt swirling inside her. She took her time getting ready for work. Her makeup application took twice the time it normally did. She changed her outfit three times. And then it was time to go and time to say goodbye to him. Alex had promised herself that Goren's last image of her would not involve any tears or theatrics. He watched as she simply shrugged on her coat, pulling her long hair out from the collar and then reached for her black shoulder bag. He toed around in a small circle as she gathered her keys and phone.
"Goren," she smirked.
His eyebrows rose at her playful tone.
"You're twitching. Where'd your chi go?"
Bobby grinned wide and waggled his eyebrows, "Guess all that great sex…"
She threw her head back and laughed as she finished for him, "Zapped you of your chi?"
He laughed a true laugh that started in his gut and rang through his mouth. The sound was the best thing Alex had ever heard.
They slowly made their way to the door. She turned to him and smiled gently before lifting herself up and kissing his cheek. She whispered intensely, "I love you."
She went to pull away, but Goren's arms kept her close. He pulled her tighter and kissed her long and hard. And when they were both breathless, he pulled his tongue away and against her lips, stated very clearly, "I love you. You are everything for me."
Their eyes held each other's for several long moments before she finally pulled away.
"I have to go. I'll be late."
Bobby nodded and walked to the elevator with her. They remained silent but smiled at each other as the silver elevator doors closed, carrying her away.
He spent the morning gathering his things and cleaning. He went to the grocery store and even had time to do a little of her laundry. He may have to leave, he reasoned, but at least she'd have food, clean clothes and a spotless apartment.
As he walked out of the apartment, he vowed to himself that he'd be back by her birthday that summer. And maybe, if everything worked out right, he might be able to stay for good.
