A/N: Chapter's title is from a song by Within Temptation.

Get ready for the feels!

I'm sorry if there are mistakes, English is not my language.

I don't own all the characters.

Enjoy! And if you like it, please leave a review


Chapter Twelve: Paradise (What about us)

A couple of rough days go by, the two girls don't sleep together again, they speak little and Clarke is careful not to touch the other one. Every night Lexa listens to Clarke's soft crying before the blonde passes out from exhaustion, and she cringes at thinking that maybe her presence will always hurt Clarke.

On her part, Clarke is spending way too much time thinking, she's torturing herself with wondering about whether she could let herself be vulnerable and love Lexa. Could she take all those risks, could she let the girl who betrayed her have all that power over her again? She wants to let herself love and be loved, she wants to let go of all the blood and the pain, but it's a too heavy weight to simply lift it from her shoulders by loving Lexa.


When Clarke walks in the tent Lexa is almost done packing her things. Lexa turns to see her and she stumbles over her words. "I...I'm healed enough to be on my own. I'm moving in another tent...I don't want to make it harder for you..." she pauses more than once, never looking at Clarke, insecurity written all over her face.

The blonde simply stares at her, but when Lexa shyly goes back packing a hand stops her own and Clarke is pulling her away from her sac. "Clarke" Lexa whispers questioningly, but the other girl keeps pushing her backwards until she hits the bed with the back of her knees. "Clarke what are..."

"Undress."

Lexa looks up shocked. "What do you mea..."

"Take off your clothes" Clarke's fixing her with an intense gaze and Lexa is still not sure she heard right. She wants to ask again, but the blonde is looking at her waiting and she starts hesitantly taking off her shirt. When Clarke doesn't give sign to be moving away a bit to give her space, Lexa struggles to slide down her pants. They're not off yet when she stops and looks at Clarke again, searching for some explanation.

Clarke doesn't reach out to help Lexa, she can't move, she's struggling to keep her emotions in check and not break down. She feels like running, and she feels like tearing Lexa's clothes apart until there's nothing left hiding her from Clarke's eyes. She forces herself not to do either of those thing. She doesn't want to run away anymore and she doesn't wish to force Lexa into something she doesn't want. She thinks about retreating a little so that Lexa actually knows she has a choice, but she finds it too difficult to move, also because Lexa has resumed taking off her clothes and Clarke doesn't think she could bear to be further away from her than she already is.

Lexa is slow in her movements and her clothes seem suddenly all too difficult to take off, especially with Clarke's eyes never leaving her own. Clarke's eyes are not roaming her body as she expected, and maybe both feared and hoped, instead they are fixed on her face, they keep switching between Lexa's lips and her eyes.

After what feels like eternity Lexa is standing naked before a very much clothed Clarke and she's all too aware of their unmatched conditions. Clarke wakes from her trance a little then and gently pushes Lexa to lie on the sheets. Only then she stops to finally take a look at Lexa's body, her scarred skin and soft breasts, her strong legs and firm belly, her chest rising and falling at a maddling pace. Her parted lips and pleading eyes, though Clarke isn't sure if they're pleading for Clarke to touch her or to let her go, they're conflicted and lost, but they show so much trust it makes Clarke want to cry. Instead she collects herself and starts leaning over Lexa.

"Can I?" the whisper is so soft and low that Lexa almost doesn't catch it, but she does and her heart explodes of love for the blonde who, even now, is being careful not to hurt her, not to do something the brunette might not desire. She gulps and nods slowly as best as she can, her eyes wide open watching Clarke climb on the bed.

Clarke takes her time again, positioning herself so that she's hovering over Lexa. She drops the first kiss on Lexa's hip, feeling her shiver beneath her fingers that are tracing slow patterns on her side. The second kiss falls on her belly and her hands move to caress her arms. Then Clarke moves up and plants kisses on Lexa's neck, her hand going to trace her collarbone. Down her shoulder, her arm, she lays a butterfly kiss on her hand, her resolve on having sex with the grounder faltering as she feels the quake her gentle touches provoke in Lexa and in her own heart. The girl beneath her is trembling, shaking more at every kiss, her gasps and sighs are mixed with tears and Clarke can't decide if it's a good thing.

Lexa is a mess of emotions and feelings, she never wants Clarke to stop but at the same time she doesn't want to have sex with her, she fears the hurt of when Clarke will be done with her and will discard her and walk away without looking back. She's terrified of thinking that this would not mean the same for Clarke, she's scared to be left craving for a love that was never meant to be given. She's not worried about being so exposed in front of Clarke, she's not worried about Clarke not wanting to be just as exposed in front of her. But it tears her apart to think that this thing that Clarke is letting happen between them won't be anything near love making. And she cries because of how good it feels to have Clarke kissing her and because of how the fear makes it hard to breath. She gasps every time Clarke's lips kiss away some pain from her soul, she sighs at each stroke of gentle fingers on her tired body. Clarke's hands still haven't wandered anywhere too intimate, her kisses are still chaste, but they hold Lexa together. And she fears she will fall apart if Clarke stops.

And Clarke does stop. Her kisses fall on Lexa's wound and suddenly she's jumping up from the bed and she's standing there confused and afraid. She looks at Lexa as if the clueless girl had the answer she herself is looking for without even knowing the question. She turns slightly as if about to leave and Lexa shuts her eyes tightly not able to bear watching her walk away.

Clarke sees the tears slipping from Lexa's closed eyes, her clenched fists and trembling arms, she watches the way her body curls into itself like the one of a child and makes up a decision, maybe the wrong the one, maybe the best one so far.

She takes off her jacket, her boots, her pants, until she's only in her underwear and a shirt and she gets back on the bed, lying next to Lexa without touching her. She sees surprised eyes snapping open and staring at her and lips parting in a silent question immediately replaced by a plea not to leave.

Clarke struggles to move the furs beneath their bodies and slip under them, waiting for Lexa to do the same before settling the furs back down on top of them.

For a couple of all too long minutes they stay perfectly silent, perfectly still, then Clarke moves to face Lexa and the other girl looks up at her. Clarke doesn't know what to do or what to say and she panics a bit thinking she shouldn't have gotten into bed with Lexa naked. She becomes nervous and turns her head to look up away from Lexa's confused eyes. When she's about to turn her whole body away from Lexa, she feels a hand shyly reaching out for her arm under the furs. She immediately stills and slowly she turns her eyes back on Lexa.

There's insecurity, care, fear, love, sorrow, regret, pleas and so much tenderness in those eyes that Clarke can't take it any longer. She pulls Lexa into her arms slowly, carefully, she lets her rest her head on her chest and she welcomes the warmth of her body pressed against her own. A small, only almost there, sigh escapes her lips then, as Clarke finally stops fighting and lets herself cry and feel home, even if it hurts to do so.

Lexa cries too when her cheek lies between Clarke's covered breasts and she cries more when arms hold her and hands caress her back, she cries of relief, she cries of regret and, for a short beautiful forever, she cries of happiness. She gasps at realising she's in her love's arms, safe, home.


When Lexa realises that Clarke has been crying as well, the blonde has already fallen asleep, and Lexa's heart breaks again at knowing that even naked in the arms of the woman she would gladly die for, she causes her pain. But that night, pressed against Clarke warm body, the blonde's hands still in their positions on her back, that night Lexa doesn't think about how much she wants to change the past, that night she thinks about how much she longs to change the future. That one night Lexa is actually able to believe there can be a future where her presence won't hurt Clarke but at least aid her. And she swears she will do anything for that future to become true.