Author's note: once more, thank you for the reviews!
Langford90: hahah I hate Richard too much to have him appear here ;D
This chapter is dedicated to Babatomyfriends haha I hope it's not too weird, and you guys like it :D
Late 1997
Seriously, what was it about?
It wasn't like he expected her to be in love with him or something, but the fact that she had laughed too hard at his "joke" unnerved him way more than he was willing to admit (never mind the fact that it was more of an honest offering than a joke in the first place). That's why he just couldn't let it go. He knew it was sad and pathetic, bordering on begging, but he could not let it go. He had kept pestering Monica for the past two days, using any opportunity to try to prove – unsuccessfully – than she was wrong and he was, in fact, boyfriend material.
Seriously though, what was it about? Was he hideously unattractive? He didn't thought of himself as a handsome man, but it wasn't like he looked like Quasimodo. He was aware of the fact that he wasn't the most mature man on Earth but, come on, just a year ago he was having a serious relationship! He was okay as a candidate for a good boyfriend, wasn't he? Good enough to count as a future back up, at least. Sure, he made an awful lot of jokes, but if anything that was his charm! His thing! Not something to deem him unlovable.
He had spent the previous night and even a good part of the morning telling her she was missing out on foot massages and soda refills for not having him as a boyfriend; Monica didn't seem to be bothered enough by any of that. After Phoebe had gotten home from her night breaking and entering, telling them she'd just found out her namesake was actually her mother who had abandoned her, she'd summoned Monica for a private conversation, leaving Chandler and Joey behind with their lingering questions.
"Hey, you guys wanna go to the beach?" Monica had asked after coming back, telling the guys Phoebe just needed some rest.
Chandler saw an opportunity in that.
"Asking me out for a date by the sea? Very romantic, aren't ya?"
Monica just stared at him blankly. She didn't need to say "really?" out loud because her eyes did it for her.
"I said you guys." She added anyway.
Chandler ignored Joey's snickers. "I'm not here to judge kinks, so it's okay if you enjoy being watched."
Monica rolled her eyes. While they gathered their stuff to leave, he got a little pensive. Chandler figured asking for the reasons why she wouldn't date him wasn't the most effective way to approach it (was anything effective at all? Maybe not, but he still wasn't ready to let it go); that's when he started talking about hypothetical scenarios.
"Okay, imagine you could choose from all the liars and cheaters you've dated before and me. Who would you pick?" He asked while opening the door for the three of them to leave.
"Chandler, I'm not going to date one of my best friends just because men are pigs."
The two miles of walking allowed them to talk about other things. When they got to the beach, Monica took off her shirt and lay down on a towel. Chandler mimicked the action, lying down himself, and Joey just left to do something with the sand. He wasn't paying much attention to his roommate, as his mind was still trying to come up with scenarios that would make her admit that he could be boyfriend material after all.
"Alright, I'm rich. Filthy rich. I have enough money to buy three restaurants and have you run them all. Would you go out with me?"
"Are you calling me a gold digger?"
He stuttered. "N-no!"
"Well, it looks like it." She arched her eyebrows as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. "Besides, Pete was rich. If that was what I'm looking for, I would still be with him, you know?"
Right. Pete was a millionaire. Well, maybe another perspective…
"Okay. I go to the gym, and I'm a very hunky, muscular man. Would you go out with me?"
"Now you're saying that I'm shallow?"
"Right, like you wouldn't want to date some hot guy."
"Yes, that would be nice, but, again, it's not what I'm looking for."
"Okay, let's say I want to get married and have tons of babies." Monica just stared at him incredulously. "Okay, I can't even go through with that." He let a shaky breath out, scared shitless by his own made up scenario.
Monica laughed out loud. "Chandler, it's not about what I like in guys. It's just that you're Ch-"
"I'm Chandler. I know. I agree that's a stupid name."
She sighed, looking exhausted. "It's not about the name. You're my friend. That would be weird. We've been over this."
Yeah, they had been over this. Still…
Chandler looked at her as she closed her eyes, letting her head hang, enjoying the gentle touch of the morning sun. She looked beautiful – and way out of his league, as usual. He just wanted to hear one affirmative response though. Just something that came from her mouth that indicated that a girl like her dating a guy like him wouldn't be that ridiculous.
"All right. There's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?"
He could tell she wasn't invested in the discussion anymore.
"Eh."
Whoa, was that an affirmative response?
"I've got canned goods." And she showed him a big smile. Well, at least he got that smile out of all the silliness.
Interrupting that bizarre moment, Joey called out to them, showing off the big hole he had just dug in the sand, beaming with pride. Joey was a just a huge, manly child, wasn't he?
Chandler and Monica got up, taking their time to appreciate the random piece of art by the Italian artist Tribbiani until a wave came closer. Joey mourned his work being deformed by the seawater before Monica let out a soul piercing screech, startling both men.
"Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts! It hurts!"
The two of them crowded her, trying to come up with solutions and offering help. The way she loudly damned all the jellyfish indicated how much pain she was feeling. Joey sounded far too chilled when he remembered something about The Discovery Channel and peeing on the place that hurts to kill the pain. The more you know.
"Well, forget it. It doesn't hurt that… baaaaad!"
Joey even offered the hole for some privacy and Monica really must have been in some serious pain as she took the offer and got into it. The water in it was only ankle deep so she could do… her… business… with no real obstacle.
Chandler definitely didn't want to see that. He assumed Joey didn't either as both turned their back to the hole at the same time.
To think just a few minutes earlier he was trying to get this woman to admit she could someday date him. Now he didn't even want to look at what she was doing.
Not much time had passed (although the few minutes had felt like forever) when they heard her faint little voice utter "you guys". It was almost heartbreaking. When they turned around, they were faced with a very forlorn Monica. "I-I don't think I can bend that way."
Was she really suggesting one of them do it? He didn't have to dwell on that thought much as Joey hopped into the hole with a serious, nearly military demeanor. He looked like he was going to the war. Chandler just watched the scene unfold with a horrified expression. Monica turned around in the hole, not really wanting to see Joey's thing. The angles were generous enough to allow Chandler to see what was going on without seeing Joey's thing (he didn't want to see it either). Joey put his shorts down and rummaged inside his trunks.
Here we go, Chandler braced himself.
Nothing came out.
Chandler could predict what would happen next.
He suddenly became a very pious man, praying for all the good entities worshiped around the globe that what he thought would happen next would never actually happen.
Still no pee coming out.
No no no no no, please, no.
And yet, nothing.
Monica was breathing hard. "Joey, what's going on?" She asked expectantly, hope keeping her in the same position.
Joey craned his neck to look at Chandler with pleading eyes. Somehow he felt like explaining to him before explaining to her. Chandler knew why but no, please, god, no. "I think I've got the stage fright."
Oh, dear Lord, no, I beg of you.
"I guess you'll have to do it." Joey finally announced the words Chandler would never forget for the rest of his life.
His roommate didn't even wait for an answer. He pulled his shorts back on, and climbed out of the hole, pushing Chandler inside right after that.
Monica turned her head briefly to look at him – a different pair of pleading eyes. She was in pain though; he couldn't hold it against her.
"Can you just do it, please?" She begged, almost out of breath.
Okay, she's my friend and she needs help. I gotta do this.
Joey was up there, watching the whole thing with his hands resting on his hips. Suddenly, he had a stern expression on, looking like some sort of crude general. He knew from watching before that the angles would prevent his friend from seeing his thing and Monica was already with her back turned to him.
Everything was set.
Just do it, he thought to himself while he dreadfully slowly pulled his shorts down. I can do it.
"Do it!" Joey's unexpected, harsh scream made him jump. "Be a man! Step up! Do it! Come on, do it!"
So much for using the hole for privacy. He could feel the stares coming from other people taking a walk on the beach – judging stares. They all probably thought he was going to have sex with Monica right there while having a very loud man watching. Talk about kinky. Chandler didn't know if letting them think that was better than letting them know what he was actually going to do.
"Do it now! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it now, come on! Don't be a baby, be a man! Do it!" With Joey's constant screaming, he let out his little guy. Gathering all the strength he'd never known he had, he finally let the warm liquid out. It didn't need much for Monica to make an agonizing noise followed by a much relaxed sigh. He gathered his tools back inside his trunks, thanking the universe for that moment had come to an end.
When Monica looked back at him and they locked eyes, he could tell it had been as terrible for her as it had been for him. They got out of the hole, and Joey looked at them, seriousness gleaming in his eyes – now he looked like a soldier who came back from the war. Chandler rolled his eyes; he didn't even go the battle!
"Let's never tell anyone." Monica offered.
"It's a promise." Chandler followed.
"It's between us and the sea." Joey concluded.
They gathered their stuff, ready to leave the battlefield. Walking silently side by side, they carried the scar of the most horrifying experience they had ever shared. For a second Chandler wondered if this was the universe responding his questions about dating Monica in a very sick and twisted way.
Well, now she had a damn good reason.
